"Hiya, folks!"

Snape: Oh no, I like you even less than your compatriot.

"Arschloch."

CandleJ: Did I hear my name?

*Shakes nervously* Ahh, no , sir. I just...called Snape something in German.

CandleJ: Oh, sorry.

Snape: Who the hell are you?

CandleJ: I am He Who Must NEVER EVER Be Named. Like, ever.

Snape: You are not!

CandleJ: Are too. Say my name and find out. *Chuckles*

"No, don't!" *Tries to muffle Snape's mouth*

CandleJ: My name is-

Marie: Shush, or you'll spoil the chapter for everyone!

CandleJ: Oh, sorry.

"I own nothing! Well, except for my OCs and the plot."

The world of Ellie's email was a strange and backward world. From end to end of the stark white walls there were messages stacked haphazardly miles into the infinite ceiling. The most recent ones were being crushed beneath the weight of the others and the edges were pixelated in a mockary of the fraying of roughly handled UPS packages. Marie, feeling sorry for the mistreated abandoned messages, picked up a rather chubby one and cuddled it.

"You never open your mail." She admonished Ellie while petting the forlorn email as if it were a cat. "You're going to be the cause of psychological problems because of your abandonment!"

Ellie, unaffected by the negelected mail, raised an eyebrow. "Well, if you're so Pro-Email-Rights, why don't you open it for me?"

Marie grinned and pressed the levitating button beside her chosen chubby email. She frowned. "Who is 'Thatdamnbastard' supposed to be?"

Ellie's eyes suddenly went wide with alarm and she lunged for the email. "No, Marie, WAIT! Don't touch that button!" But it was too late as Marie, in her curiousity, had already done the deed. The email loaded quickly and cheerfully, happy to be of use. With an overenthusiastic 'bleep!', what must have been a foot of text suddenly appeared on a hovering page.

Marie read a few sentences and went red. "Err..." She giggled shyly. "How is that even possible?" She wondered aloud as Ellie fought through a toppled pile of emails to get to her. Marie read even further and soon she was red as a tomato. "I've read the Kama Sutra, Ellie." She said to her friend who had mangled several spams to get to her. "But...I've never heard of that kind of stuff before. Is it something Alucard came up with?"

Ellie, who was redder than Marie, snatched back the email and savagely pressed the delete button. The email perished with a sad 'bloop'. "ARRRRGGGHHHH!"

"Are you alright?"

Ellie paced the length of her email room and each step was forceful as if she were trying to break through the floor of the Internet. "I told him!" She shouted, hands waving in the air wildly. "He has a restraining order! He isn't supposed to contact me!" She grabbed ahold of Marie's uniform and shook her like a rag doll. "IT IS SO CREEEEEPY!"

Marie patted her head soothingly. "But, dear, it's Alucard. Being creepy is practically his job."

Ellie sank to the floor. "You weren't there, Marie! WE WENT TO LAS VEGAS! HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO LAS VEGAS WITH A CRAZY VAMPIRE FULL OF LUST? AND NOT JUST THE REGULAR LUST EITHER! IT HAD TO BE BLOODLUST, TOO!" Marie shrugged weakly, blissfully unaware of the ravenous appetites of vampires in both appropriate and inappropriate contexts. Ellie shuddered. "It is impossible to un-see things, Marie. But what I wouldn't give for a bottle of brain-bleach."

Hatter popped up beside them both with two white jugs labelled Blorox. "Regular or extra-strength?" He asked, offering the bottles with a smile.

Ellie blinked slowly. "You're half-mad, but you are absolutely brilliant!" She gave the milliner one of her rare (and highly sought-after) hugs out of desperate gratitude. "So I just pour this over my head?" She examined the directions. "Wonderful!"

Marie turned to Tarrant. "I'm not one to ask questions, but where in the world did you get that?"

The Mad Hatter gave her a pained smile in return. "Tha' bluty cae' 'as tried many a thing tae ge' mah 'at."

Marie mulled this over, then decided that she truly didn't want to know anything about the brain-stains that Chessur had inflicted upon her friend. Some things were better left undisturbed. After all, she enjoyed keeping her innocence. "Well, I'm just really glad we left Vergie with Iceland. I'm sure that he's doing age-appropriate things with that nice country."

Meanwhile, at Iceland's place...

Iceland's demon (whose real name was Modreapharonaton) had been christened (hah) by the still verbally challanged half-Dwarf child as Muddereffer. Muddereffer was unofficially Vergie's new pet. "Muddereffer mead Bobber?" Which translated from Vergie-ese to English as 'Have you ever met Bubba, Modreapharonaton?'.

"Dvergatal!" Called Iceland. "I'm ordering a movie and I've got popcorn, come on and let's watch it together!" The Scandanavian country scrolled through the PPV channels movie descriptions. "Oo!" He said excitedly on finding something promising. "Guts 'N Gore 4, that sounds promising and healthy for an infant." He quickly ordered it and screams immediately began issuing from the sound system. "I'm sure that this will in no way give him nightmares."

"My mother senses are tingling." Marie said suddenly.

Snape snorted and rolled his eyes. "Ripping off Stan Lee is unhealthy for your creativity, Marie."

Marie huffed. "My creativity is perfectly healthy, thank you. I let it run wild for 26 hours a day and give it plenty of carrots. Not to mention a nice dose of orange juice and potato salad."

"Ah LURV potato salad." Hatter announced, spontaniously doing a Mexican Hat Dance with a random sombrero. "Potato, potato, potato, potato, potato! Potato, potato, potato, TEAAAAAAA!"

"Wow, I didn' know tha' hidin' me rum in 'is tea kettle would make 'im ac' like tha'." Jack observed with interest. "Is tha' how I ac' when I'm drunk as a lord?"

Legolas was staring at Marie, while Aragorn angrily confronted the pirate. "You mean to tell me that this-" He pointed at poor Tarrant, who had suddenly passed out mid-dance and was lying flat on his face. "Is your doing?"

"If I said yes, would somebody give th' poor wanker ah breath mint?" The captain asked of the others, motioning to Aragorn. The Ranger's hands clapped over his mouth.

"Oh, give him a break. "Wonka said. "I'm sure that it is hard to find time for personal hygiene when protecting a world from a supernatural megalomaniac."

"Is that sarcasm dripping from thine lips?"Jareth smirked at the chocolatier. "Or merely empathy mixed with envy as your father was a dentist who, I'm sure, would not allow a single meal to pass with at least a mouth wash routine?"

"Why is everyone so snappish?" Marie asked of no one in particular.

"I call it , it's a disease that causes bouts of sarcasm, sensitive snappishness, grammar mistakes, and senseless rants about stupid things." Said an unfamiliar voice. "It is, in fact, a side effect caused by my presence."

"Who's there?" Everyone was immediately on alert as a man in a beige suit came striding forward.

"Hello, I am Trollolol Rageface Derp Herp the Snarky, esquire." He held out his hand and Aragorn made to shake his hand, only to be shocked by a joy buzzer and fall to the floor. "Sorry, bub, part of the job." He stepped over the zapped Ranger. "You may call me Mr. Troll . And I'm here to be a pain in the ass."

Ellie surged forward like a wave, obviously incensed. "A Meme? What the hell is a Meme doing in my email?"

Mr. Troll gave her a look that said 'seriously?' and shook his head. "I am a Meme. By my very definition, I am everywhere."

"Are you tagging along?"

Mr. Trollrolled his eyes. "Are you an idiot? Of course I am, you little Derpina." Marie, who did not take criticism well, gave him a hurt glare and snuggled up to her husband.

"If you stick around, then we'll have to continue to deal with this silly bickering! It'll make a mess of everything!" Ellie growled threateningly. "And if you insult Marie again, I'll do some very violent things which would raise the PG-13 rating to an R."

Mr. Troll shrugged indifferently. "I am apathetic to your feelings on the matter. I intend to stay, although I do suppose you have a small point. I will turn off the effects, mostly because I am serving myself an incredible amount of amusement due to your bumbling antics."

Aragorn had recovered from his shock and was being leant a steadying hand by Legolas. "We don't exactly have a choice. Memes are quite powerful, you know." Mr. Troll smirked a smirk that made Snape glower at him in envy. "Maybe if Gandalf were here we could get rid of him, but I'm afraid we are stuck with him since he's determined to stay."

They all glared at Mr. Troll. Unaffected, he smiled amiably and conjured a soda and cinema candy. "Oh, don't mind me. I'll just be right behind you all. Mocking and entertaining myself with derisive comments about various things concerning each of you. Please, do carry on."

"I hate him already." Muttered Gimli. He spat a Dwarvish curse at , who merely smiled amicably.

"You know, I'm wondering what happened to Svalbard and the others." Legolas mused, looking around. "We landed in their cannon, but we seem to have lost them in the transition to your email, Ellie."

"What are you talking about?" Ellie seached the entirity of her email room, even going so far to heave the newly concious Tarrant to his feet in order to look under him. She began to panic. "Wait, where in the world are they?"

"A better question would be where are Alex and Jereomy." Marie piped up. "They've disappeared as well!"

"Haha, you are all such idiots that you've managed to lose half your cast already!" Jeered Mr. Troll.

"Shut up!" Ellie snapped. She turned all over email over, toppling entire mountains of junkmail, spam, and messages as she combed through a second time. "They've got to be here somewhere!"

"I found rope!" Hatter slurred happily, holding up a thick length of it. "It says Property of Candlejack. Who bluty hell is Candle-"

Out of the blue, a floating scarecrow-like entity appeared. His head was covered by a sackcloth bag with eyeholes and a jagged mouth cut out of it. He grabbed Hatter and tied him up neatly with the rope.

Mr. Troll snickered. "Hahaha! You were caught by Candlejack!" His snickers dried up when he realized what he had done.

Candlejack grinned. "I'm gonna need more rope."