Disclaimer: I own nothing. Obviously.
Author's Note: Charlie is definitely my favorite character in the show. I love her strength and determination. It was a lot of fun to try and get inside her head on this chapter. Hope you guys enjoy!
***Special thanks to IluvMarkSalling and Gizzi1213 for reviewing chapter 1.***
Charlie
As soon as she knows her mother and Aaron are safely in the camp, Charlie heads off on her own. She doesn't go far. She's still within eyesight of the camp. But she desperately needs some time alone to think. Her mind keeps going back to the moment she realized Randall had her mother. She can still feel that initial crippling fear. She can't decide what scares her more: the idea of losing her mother again or the knowledge that some part of her actually needs the woman who abandoned her. She's tried to push her mom away, tried to hate her for leaving them alone. And in some ways it's worked. But she's already lost her dad, her almost-stepmom and now her brother. If anything had happened to her mother today, Charlie knows it would have completely destroyed what little of her remains. What if a bullet had gone the wrong way? It could've happened so easily. And her mother would have gone to her grave thinking her daughter hated her.
That's the part that really gets to her. She's been trying so hard to hold this grudge because she's terrified that if she lets it go her mother will only let her down again. And maybe she will. But she's trying so hard to be a mother again. Charlie knows pushing her away tears her apart. That's why she does it, really. Because she wants her mother to know what it's like to be rejected by the people you care about. But as she sits against a tree tearing blades of grass into tiny pieces, Charlie realizes she would never forgive herself if her mother died before she got a chance to take back all the terrible things she's said.
She looks up to see her mother still standing over the same campfire. She looks so alone. Charlie takes a deep breath and lets it out. She has to make this right while she has the chance. Because the brutal reality is that she might not get another.
She pushes herself to her feet, using her hands to dust the torn bits off grass off her lap. Then she quietly walks back into the camp. She stops behind her mother and waits for a moment. When Rachel doesn't turn, she realizes she's going to have to take the initiative here.
"Hey," she says quietly.
Rachel visibly disentangles herself from whatever thoughts she's been drowning in and turns toward her daughter. Charlie hesitates a moment. She knows what she has to say, but she's not really sure how to say it. After how cruel she was in the bathroom earlier, she knows that a simple "I'm sorry" won't cut it.
"I owe you an apology," she says finally. "I said some terrible things..."
She trails off as her mother begins shaking her head.
"It's okay," Rachel tells her.
Only it isn't. One look at her mother's face is enough to confirm that. That only makes Charlie feel worse. She honestly has no idea how to fix this. She's never been good with words. She's always preferred to speak with her actions. Danny was the one who had always known exactly what to say. He was also the child who had been closest to their mother. Maybe it was because his constant health problems required so much more attention than independent little Charlie. But either way, Danny had always been Rachel's little boy and Charlie had always been Ben's little girl. Only now her dad and brother are both gone. Aside from Miles, Rachel is all the family Charlie has. And now Charlie has gone and thrown such a huge wrench into their fledgling relationship that she doesn't know how to even begin trying to get it out.
Well, she does have one idea. Rachel has been trying so hard to reach out to her. Maybe it's Charlie's turn to reach back. But that requires finally letting her mother back in and showing Rachel her shattered heart. And that's going to hurt like hell. So much so that it takes Charlie a moment to decide even she even has the strength to try it.
She decides she does.
"For so long, all I wanted was to get Danny back," she explains. She stops there for a moment, trying to gage her mother's reaction. Rachel gives her a small nod of encouragement. She's listening. Charlie has to look away as she forces her mouth to form the next sentence. "And now I never will."
There. She's said it. Danny's dead. After everything they went through to rescue him, she finally had him back. And then he died right in front of her and there was nothing she could do but watch as the life left his body. She failed him. She was supposed to be his big sister, his protector. And when he needed her most there wasn't a thing she could do. She failed.
Tears fill her eyes, but she fights them back. Her mother's mouth opens and closes as she tries to find something to say. Charlie just stands there, waiting for some kind of reaction. She isn't really sure what she wants her mother to do or say. But she does know that if it doesn't happen soon, she's going to turn and run. Those two sentences have practically bared her soul to her mother. And it hurts, damn it. It hurts like hell.
Suddenly she feels like a little girl again, a girl who just wants her mother to hold her and make it all okay. She's had that feeling a lot over the last several years. But this time it's worse because her mother is right there, so close Charlie could reach out and touch her, and she isn't responding. Charlie can feel her heart pounding in her chest as her tears threaten to overflow. What if it's too late? What if she pushed too hard and her mother can't forgive her? She can't do this alone. She's not strong enough.
And then Rachel's arms are suddenly open.
"I know, baby," she says.
Charlie doesn't need a second invitation. She's in her mother's arms almost before the words are out of her mouth. She presses her face into her mother's jacket as tears begin to run down her face. Her arms cling tightly to her mother. She's been trying so hard to be strong. But the truth is that a part of her is still that same scared little girl who couldn't understand why her mom was leaving. She closes her eyes, drinking in the feeling of her mother's arms around her. She's missed this so badly.
Rachel starts to rock them both back and forth and the simple gesture both comforts Charlie and tears her apart. She's holding so tightly to her mother that she couldn't let go even if she wanted to. Which she doesn't. She's already lost her mother once. She couldn't take it if she lost her again. The memory of her earlier panic resurfaces and Charlie's hands tighten reflexively against her mother's jacket.
"Please don't leave again," she chokes. For a moment there's a terrifying silence. But then her mother's arms tighten around her.
"I won't," Rachel promises. Her voice is thick with emotion and Charlie wonders if she's crying to. A few hours ago she would have scoffed at her mother's response. But now her hands loosen their grip and she realizes that she actually believes her mother.
She turns her face into the crook of her mother's neck as her tears finally stop. She lets go with one hand, reaching up between them to wipe away the tearstains marking her cheeks. Then she winds her arm back around her mother's waist to resume its grip on the leather jacket. Rachel leans her head against Charlie's.
"I love you, baby," her mother whispers. She's definitely crying now. "I love you to the moon and back."
Charlie hasn't heard those words in years. That was always her mother's special phrase. For a moment she thinks it's going to bring on a fresh round of tears.
"I love you too," she says.
Somehow that short conversation has said all they need to say. A comfortable silence falls, broken only by the gentle crackle of the fire and the chirping of crickets. Charlie allows her eyes to drift shut as her mother holds her. She's not okay. Not by a long shot. But for the first time since her dad died, she starts to believe that maybe someday she will be.
The next chapter will be about Miles. I've got it pretty much finished, but I'm going to need some reviews on this chapter before I post the next one. That sounds like a fair trade to me. :) Please and thank-you.