Chapter 52

It was early evening when they left Cape Girardeau heading northwest, using state highways, toward Columbia, Missouri to catch the I-70 west to the Kansas Cities. Bootback was just north of the twin border cities; near Leavenworth, Kansas. Sam figured it was a six to seven hour drive; and for once, it would be late enough, they wouldn't get stuck in a large urban area rush hour. He figured they should reach the old water treatment plant and reservoir along the Missouri River about 2 AM.

Cassie had called Missouri Mosley while Sam had been loading the car. The psychic was relieved to hear from all of them; and agreed that trying to contact Dean somewhere other than Stull Cemetery was a good idea. She wasn't happy with the time they were to meet, or as she put it, 'that's a god-awful time of day'; but said she'd have no trouble getting there.

Going back to the place where Castiel had loosed the Leviathan on the world, and Sam's hallucinations of Lucifer had started to dominate his mind, was not his idea of good times. But, the only other nearby place, where the barriers between dimensions had been breached, was Carthage, Missouri. Bootback might have horrible memories for him; but he still thought it was better than the place Lucifer had slaughtered most of a town to bring Death forward.

The first two hours passed quietly, both Sam and Amelia were lost in their own thoughts. Just after they crossed over the I-44, about half way to Columbia; Sam pulled the car over to the side of the road and broke the silence. "I understand what Apsu showed me, I do. And I believe, really I do." He paused and turned toward Amelia. "But, now, I finally see what you've been trying to tell me. I'm having a hard time reconciling the two."

Amelia had seen it in his mind, at Cassie's, when Sam had started to realize what the ritual would cost them, both. She had deliberately avoided reading his thoughts since they had started driving. They were both finally ready to talk about Sam's visit into the amulet, and what he had learned from the god. They both knew how important this discussion was to be, and had wanted to be able to concentrate solely on each other. It was why they hadn't wanted to do it while on the road. But now, time was precious because they needed to reach Bootback tonight.

"Sam, I know this isn't how we planned on having this conversation; but why don't I drive, so you can talk?" They stared each other for a second, and then they climbed out of the car and switched places. Amelia could navigate the rest of the trip through central Missouri, while he talked about his readiness to save his brother, and the world, again.

X

"It's strange, I felt like I was in there, with him, for just a few minutes; but when I woke up, it felt like he had been talking to me for ages. And, out here, I was unconscious for over an hour." He thought he should be used to the differences, in how time was experienced, in the various dimensions. Inside the amulet was the fourth, no, the fifth dimension; if you included this one. He was going to call this dimension 'the real one'; but that expression seemed so irrelevant to his life anymore.

Amelia knew he didn't need any prompting, and she was determined not to read his mind. He needed to talk about it, to express it in the words he wanted to use; not have her see the unfiltered randomness of all his thoughts. Being behind the wheel, having to concentrate on driving; made it easier for her listen to what he would say, and not hear his thoughts. So, she just turned to glance at him and let him know she was ready to hear whatever he needed to say.

"I have so much I want to say; but I still don't know how to start." He looked over at Amelia; and a familiar warmth spread over him. "Scratch that, I know exactly where to start. You asked why I changed my mind about having sex." He stopped, smiling at the memories of the last two days. Even trying to avoid his thoughts, his emotions where so strong, Amelia knew what he was remembering, and smiled back him.

"Apsu asked if Dean would expect me to sacrifice experiencing happiness. I had refused you because I thought he would, he had been so upset when I had sex with that girl when he was taken by the fairies. But, Apsu helped me see it wasn't the same. First, because I didn't have a soul then, and I had just been satisfying my selfish physical needs. That's all that girl meant to me. Also, you and I weren't just going to be having sex, we would be making love. Dean would never want me to sacrifice a chance of real happiness."

"Remind me to thank him for that bit of wisdom." Amelia said with a grin. She needed him to move on to another subject; because she was having a hard time concentrating on the road, and staying out of his thoughts.

"Well, that kind of led into the rest of his message. He told me, as the primary donor, the blood relative; I had to understand the nature of my love for Dean. That my purified love had to be more absolute; that it would take more than a simple ablution for me to be purified."

Amelia nodded, knowing he was almost there.

"The next thing Apsu said to me was, 'I know you would be willing to die for your brother, but are you willing to live for Dean?' I had no idea what that meant.

So, he clarified. 'Do you think Dean spent most of his life caring for and protecting you, as a way to obligate you to him?'

'No, of course not.'

'Then why, despite, or maybe because, of everything you two have been through, and have done to each other, does he still love you unconditionally?'

'We're brothers, family. The night our mother was killed, dad put me in Dean's arms and he carried me out of the house. He told me, he knew in that moment, I was his responsibility.'

'Responsibility is not love. True love cannot be earned, or traded; or bought and sold. It just is. It is given honestly and freely.'

'I love Dean. I know him for all his faults and see him for who he truly is; and even when we were almost killing each other, I knew I still loved him. And I know, even when I was deceiving him and doing horrible things, he loved me.'

'Yes, that is true of Dean. He recognizes your intrinsic values, and loves you without reservation. But, what about you? The level of love required from you cannot be given by someone who does not trust himself enough to know he is worthy of that same level of love. Did you feel worthy of that love, then? Do you understand and trust yourself enough to feel worthy of that kind of love now?'"

Sam had been in a near trance, reciting his conversation with the god. He stopped and noticed Amelia had stopped the car and they were parked in a secluded spot. "He was trying so hard to get through to me; but exploring and talking about your feelings is a pretty foreign concept to a Winchester." Sam actually cracked a small smile as he turned to look at Amelia.

"Yes, I know." Amelia replied, with just a hint of gentle sarcasm. She gave him a small smile, before adding, "You can do this, go on."

Sam took a second before starting again. "I guess he figured the only way I'd see the truth was for him to bring out the big guns. Or maybe a knife would be a better analogy, because he went straight for the jugular.

Because, then he said, 'Lucifer almost had it right, you know; when he said you hadn't been running away from your family; that you had been running toward him.' I wasn't expecting that, and it suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe. Apsu must have seen the terror on my face, because he quickly added, 'I said, almost; but he also had it absolutely wrong. The Morning Star took advantage of your feelings that something was always missing; that if you could find it, you would be happy. You believed you had found it in Jess; but you never trusted her enough to tell her the truth.

Do you know why that is? It is because you never trusted yourself enough to risk trusting that someone else could love you.' He paused until I looked him straight in the face. 'Sam, that someone or something you've been searching for all your life; is in yourself.'

It was weird, this ancient god was telling me to 'love myself', and it was like when I to Psych 101 in school. All I could hear was my dad's voice saying 'we don't have time for any psychobabble'. Even the reference to Lucifer didn't get through to me. The frustration in his eyes was obvious as he said 'I can see why you Winchesters are famous for stubbornness.'" Sam stopped, looked at Amelia and shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't know if Apsu knows what a light bulb is, but I could swear I saw one turn on in his eyes. 'Sam, if you won't recognize your worth and honestly see yourself; maybe, if you saw yourself through another's eyes….. She sees you, she knows you, and loves you so much it has given her a faith she has never felt, ever.' That was when it was like an explosion of light went off in my head."

Sam stopped again, remembering the thousands and thousands of images Apsu had put into his mind. Mostly it was a blur of images from the millennia of Mother Nature's lives. But, then his image appeared among her memories. He wasn't positive it was himself, at first; because the man she was seeing; wasn't exactly the face that he had been looking at in the mirror for the last 30 years. He felt something touch his arm, and looked down to see Amelia's hand. Her touch had brought him out dizzying cyclone of images he was remembering.

He nodded at her before he spoke again. "It was like a roomful of infinity mirrors; seeing myself through your eyes. Everything was there, the good, the bad and the mistakes. Or, maybe, like you were seeing into me; like Xray vision. Except, it was more; it was like you were seeing down to my DNA structure. No, that's not it. It was like you could see the individual atoms of each and every cell in my body. And then I could feel it, the faith Apsu mentioned. The absolute certainty you had, that I was the one worthy of you."

He looked down at her hand again, and then took it in his. "If I trust your ability to see the truth, and I do; then I had to trust were right about me, too." He looked up at her face, when she didn't say anything. "I know it's there. Do I have to say it aloud?"

"No, not now." She replied very quietly, hoping he wouldn't ask her what he really wanted to know.

"Then why? Why would we be brought together, to find each other; and this love we both feel so strongly it gives us enough faith in ourselves to free Dean from Purgatory; only to have it ripped apart when we do?" When she didn't answer, he asked again. "I thought this pure love couldn't be bought or sold? Why does it feel like we're going to have to pay this terrible price to free Dean?"

Amelia searched for how to answer him. She couldn't tell him he was wrong, when she felt the same way. "The price was not supposed to be yours to pay. You only needed to learn how to trust and love yourself, to perform the ritual. That we fell so deeply in love was not required by Ea, and the creators of the curse. That was a destiny and burden The One meant to put on me. He just didn't care if you got caught up in his little show of dominance." She stopped, fighting back tears and anger. She turned and saw the anger in his face, too.

"Sam, you can't confuse the two. You've found something, in yourself. You've learned you are worthy; that you can love yourself enough to love others. That is a precious thing. It makes you truly free; because once you get there, no one can ever take that away from you again."

She gave up fighting back the tears. She knew he'd never love like this again. But the thought of him living out his life alone, eventually losing the truth he had fought so hard to gain; and despising her memory as the cause of a lifetime of bitterness; well, there was no way she'd be the cause of that.

"Don't you realize that what this connection we have means to me, too? For the first time, since time began, I understand. If my love of you has helped you find yourself; your love has shown me the reason for, well, everything." As she had spoken, she had climbed from behind the steering wheel and was sitting on top of his legs, staring into his face. "But, you and your brother have shown me something else; you never give up, no matter what the odds or who you're fighting. The One has given me a day, after we get Dean back. We'll figure out something."

Mother Nature didn't know how she was going to do it, but she wasn't going to just leave this time. She had found something she had to hang on to, or die trying. For a split second she thought what that would mean for her vessel, Amelia Stone. Maybe she was no better than The One, for not caring about consequences and using others; but as she felt Sam wrap his arms around her and press the young woman's body tightly to his; she knew she'd never willingly leave this behind.

oooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooo ooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ooooooo

Author's Note: The last few chapters have been pretty angsty. My RL is pretty chaotic and it's found its way into the story.

It is time for Sam and Amelia get down to business and go save Dean!