I do not own Familiar of Zero/Zero No Tsukaima or any of the other pieces of work mentioned in the story.
The End of the World Spell
What is Love?
Guiche de Gramont was having a Bad Day.
First he had overslept.
Then he discovered that his favourite cloak had blown away in the night.
He stubbed his toe as he made his way into the courtyard.
He still hadn't built up the courage to confess to Montmerency.
He had ogled Kirche (again) after he promised to stop doing that.
Then his luck had changed.
Verdandi was a blessing.
Oh sure, not many people would see a mole as a particularly useful familiar, even if it was magical. But for a golem-crafter of the Gramont-lineage?
There were few that were better suited. Did he need a casting-mold for a giant golem? Verdandi can excavate one. Did he need ore that was especially tuned to magic? Verdandi could find it and bring it to him.
Gramonts didn't need powerful familiars. They needed useful familiars.
Then Louise The Zero had stepped up to summon.
And she had summoned the god of all golems, as far as Guiche was concerned.
It was reddish-brown, so similar to rust or dried blood. It was slightly taller than what one thought was average height. It had the strangest body-proportions, thinning in some places, thickening in others that made no sense.
But it had also arrived dented and motionless, sprawled into a heap with some strange object in his hands and a fine coat of ash covering its metal skin.
Guiche had, a first, not thought much about the apparent heap of junk Louise had summoned. His admiration only appeared after the droid was activated by the Binding of the Contract.
It had suddenly jerked and it was momentarily covered in sparks before it stood up. As it bend down to pick up its fallen tool, it spoke with what was most likely the most sinister tone any of the assembled students had ever heard.
It was the voice of a man, but it was slightly distorted and seemed to be accompanied by the hissing of a handful of snakes.
"Statement: HK-47, ready to serve, Master."
Guiche had never seen such a thing. A golem that could speak, think and learn? All his training said that it was madness, an impossibility.
Then why did he actually enjoy conversations with the thing? Oh, it was sinister, talking about death and destruction, but it was also rather profound. It could speak of philosophy. If that wasn't a sign that his entire family's history was wrong, he didn't know what was.
And so, he had asked the question that had bothered him so many times.
"HK… what is love?"
"Confused query: Why do you meatbags always ask me that? Smug statement: I am a droid. I am above your organic-needs."
Guiche had blinked. Someone had asked the 'droid' that question before?
"Resigned statement: But I suppose I will tell you what I told that particular Master. Definition: 'Love' is making a shot to the knees of a target 120 kilometers away using an Aratech sniper rifle with a tri-light scope... Love is knowing your target, putting them in your targeting reticule, and together, achieving a singular purpose against statistically long odds."
That was… spectacularly unhelpful.
What had he been thinking?
AN: HK-47 is one of my favorite characters ever.
He is my favorite character in any Bioware game. That said…
I do not own Knights of the Old Republic or any aspect of Star Wars.
Anyway… each of these takes place in a slightly different universe than in canon. This doesn't just affect the summons, but also the history of the characters.
In this world, the Gramonts aren't warriors, but golem-crafters. These golems fulfill roles as servants, guards and soldiers. There are many crafters, but the Gramonts are considered the best of the best.
These golems are all just mindless servants though, hence Guiche's surprise at HK.
I know it's short, but I'm struggling with the humor-aspect of my idea. Consider that the horror-humor-horror-humor format is now void. Another reason why it's so short is because I don't think I can do HK justice.
"Command: Read, enjoy and review."
~GrinGrin
Written: 19/12/2013
Posted: 19/12/2013