Chapter 20

Elliot grabbed 2 bottles of beer and headed down to the lake he spotted Dickie out on the raft. He walked down to the end of the jetty.

"Dickie!" he shouted to him "We need to talk"

Dickie turned his back on him and looked out over the lake pulling his knees up to chest. Elliot put the two bottles down and jumped in the water, before grabbing the two bottles and swimming out awkwardly to the raft, Dickie never once looked back at him. He climbed out and sat next to Dickie resting his elbows on his raised knees. He cracked open a bottle and put it down in front of Dickie. Dickie looked at it, then up at his dad. Elliot opened his bottle and took a drink. Not saying a word.

Dickie picked up the bottle and took a drink. Elliot noticed the red marks on his knuckles.

"How's your hand?" he asked him.

"It's fine" he mumbled.

They sat in silence again.

"How's your face?" asked Dickie.

"Sore, you got a good punch"

Silence fell again. Elliot took another drink.

"I should have talked to you" Elliot said his eyes looking over the lake. "I should have come to you when I knew I was losing it after the shooting, but I couldn't. I was …I was too ashamed and scared"

Dickie looked as his dad.

"I was too ashamed to admit to my son that I wasn't this strong man that he had always known, that I needed help and needed someone to look after me. I was scared you would hate me for shooting a girl your age for taking her life at such a young age. I was scared of losing you by telling you I was in love with another woman that wasn't your mom." The tears flowed freely from Elliot's eyes and he didn't try and hide them.

Dickie looked at his dad it was the first time he had ever seen him cry.

"I overheard Doc Haung talking to mam he said you had hit rock bottom, what did he mean by that?"

Elliot looked at his son "Nothing" he told him.

"No dad he meant something, he had already told mom but I missed that bit what happened?"

"You really want to know?"

"Yeah I do, what did you do that was so bad it made mom cry for hours last night after he left."

"I thought I had lost everything. I had just flipped out at you kids and smashed up the house, I had hit Olivia, shot Jenna. I hated myself; I hated what I had become. I went to a hotel room got drunk, put a gun in mouth and pulled the trigger. There you happy now. You got your old man to admit he was weak and pathetic" Elliot stood up and moved away from Dickie to embarrassed and ashamed to look at him.

Dickie just sat staring out over the lake not saying a word. He stood up and stood next to his dad.

"I doesn't mean your weak or pathetic Dad, it just makes you human, God your always trying to be this big man what is wrong with needing help, I just wish you could have come to me, I'm your son, and I'm not a little kid anymore."

"I know you're not a kid anymore Dickie, but I just didn't know what to do anymore, I'm sorry". Elliot sat back down letting his legs hang down into the water and looked up towards the lodge.

"Are you ok now…..I mean do you still want to die?" he asked him sitting down next to Elliot.

"God no I promise you, when I think what I would have left behind, you, your sisters, your mom and…"

"Olivia"

"Yeah Olivia. You have to know son she isn't to blame for what happened between me and your mom."

"But you left mom for her cause you were sleeping with her."

"No Dickie, I left your mom because we weren't in love anymore, we just fell out of love over the years. We tried again after she fell pregnant with Eli but it didn't work, you know how strained it was in the house. I won't have you blaming Olivia and calling her names because you think she split us up, she didn't."

"Do you love her?"

"Yes I do. She understands me; she knows how to control me. We have a connection like I've never had before even with your mom, it's different with Liv".

"Do you love her more than you did with mom"?

"No Dickie it's a different type of love. I still love your mom, how can I not she gave me you kids, I'm just not in love with her anymore like I should be."

"How long have you been in love with Olivia?"

"Honestly, I don't know. I just realised one day that the feelings I had for her had changed, but I never acted on those feelings or told her, yet again I kept everything bottled up and hidden away. She done exactly the same cause she knew how I felt about my family. She always tried to get me to work things out with your mom, despite her feelings for me. Even after I moved out she never told me how she felt. It wasn't till we got here we admitted our feelings".

Elliot looked at his son. "I love Olivia son, I'm going to be with her whether I get your blessing or not, because I can't give her up, I can't live without her."

"I wouldn't want you to dad" he said. "I can see how much she means to you, I'm sorry for calling her names and blaming her, I was just so angry with you, her and mom for keeping everything from us. I was angry with mom when she told us about you and Olivia having feelings for each other. She told us she wasn't even angry with Olivia. I guess that all comes down to Olivia saving her and Eli in the crash."

Elliot looked at his son and smiled "Like father, like son huh" he smiled. "Lash out first get facts later."

"Yeah I guess" laughed Dickie finishing his beer. "Thanks dad, for telling me the truth and opening up to me. It means a lot".

"I never meant to shut you out I thought I was protecting you, but judging from that right hook you have, I reckon you can protect and handle yourself alright" he said nudging Dickies shoulder.

"It was a pretty good punch wasn't it" he laughed as Elliot put his arm around his sons shoulder and pulled him in for a hug.

"I love you son" he told him "Don't ever think I don't".

"I know dad I love you too" said Dickie resting his head on his dads shoulder.

Olivia stood on the steps of the lodge and watched Elliot and his son on the raft and smiled, she didn't notice Haung standing next to her.

"Looks like things have been sorted out" he said following her gaze.

"Thanks to you" she smiled at him.

"Hey all I done is get people together to talk you guys done the rest".

He turned and walked back in to check on the grill. Olivia watched Elliot and Dickie dive into the water and swim back to shore, and walk together up to the lodge talking and laughing. Olivia felt nervous as they got close wondering how Dickie would react to her.

"Hey"said Elliot as they got close.

"Hey, the girls and Haung are sorting supper",

Elliot smiled at her as Dickie walked up the steps and stood in front of her.

"I'm so sorry Olivia" he said tears forming in his eyes "I didn't mean the things I said about you I was…."

Olivia moved forward and put her arms around Dickie pulling him towards her, his arms went around her back as they held each other. "There's no need to apologise" she whispered to him. Elliot stood back watching them hold each other and smiled. They parted and Olivia wiped away his tears that had fallen. "Why don't you head out the back and help Haung I think he could use a hand."

"Sure" he said smiling.

Elliot walked up the steps and put his arms around her.

"You okay Baby?"

"Yeah, you?"

"Never felt better, Liv" he smiled kissing her gently his hands running up and down her back.

"Come on" she said breaking apart "lets join everyone else" she said opening the door.

Elliot just stood not moving "Liv everything will be okay wont it."

"El the hard bit is done your kids know, Kathy knows even Cragen knows, if anything goes wrong now then that's down to us. Now I don't know about you but I'm not planning on letting that happen anytime soon."

"Yeah you're right Benson" he smiled at her walking through the door to join his family.

Don't worry I still have a chapter or 2 to go before I wrap this one up.