Rito's New Troubles: Collection

by Diablo Ex Machina

Every chapter of Rito's New Troubles, now in a single, streamlined package. Contains all 6 Volumes, the Finale, and an Epilogue. Reviews motivate me to work harder and faster! Rito x Lala x Ryoko x Yami x Yui x Tearju x Nana x Momo x Oshizu x Risa x Mio x Run x Mea x Nemesis x Mikan x Peke x Kyouko. On indefinite hiatus due to lack of interest and fan response.

5. Yami 1

One Minute After the End of The Previous Chapter

Rito twitched in pain in an uncomfortable position on the ground.

"Shameful!" Hissed Yami, still rather red-faced. "Shameful! Shameful! Shameful! Shameful!" She managed to regain enough of her level-headed attitude to fight back most of her blush as she used her hair to grab Rito by the scruff of his neck and hold him at eye-level. "Who do you think you are to make a pass at me?" She seethed.

"I...I'm sorry." Said Rito through the pain. "It was... an accident."

"An accident?" Yami parroted, clearly not believing him. "You addressed me by name and then... confessed to me." She said disdainfully. "How is that accidental?"

"I what?" Asked Rito, totally confused. "I never said your name!" He panicked as Yami made her hair into a fist again. "I was confessing to Haruna, but then you appeared suddenly! I don't even know what happened!"

Yami scrutinized him, looking for any deceit in his words. Finding none, she knew that something was amiss. "You claim you were confessing to Haruna?" She interrogated. Rito quickly nodded. "She was not anywhere in sight, and I recall you saying my name. How could you have been confessing to her given these facts?" Rito's eyes widened.

"She wasn't anywhere..." Rito breathed, thinking this over in befuddlement. In spite of the danger right in front of him, Rito found himself more curious than scared. After pondering it over for no more than ten seconds, Rito facefaulted as he realized what must have happened. "Sallem..." Rito groaned.

Yami's eyes widened marginally, before she quickly changed back to her usual calm demeanor. "I see." She remarked as she let Rito go. "That would explain it." She began walking away, but turned back. "It's no concern of mine who you decide to proclaim your feelings for, but I recommend you put all thoughts of romance aside for the duration of Sallem's stay on this planet." She went to walk away again, but at that moment, her stomach decided to rumble. Her face turned slightly red again.

"Uh... Are you... hungry?" Asked Rito nervously, not wanting to offend her.

Yami stared at him blankly for a few seconds, though Rito wasn't sure why. "I have... not eaten any Taiyaki all day."

"Taiyaki?" Rito wondered aloud. "Is that all you eat?"

Yami stared at him for a few seconds again, though Rito still wasn't sure why. "It is... sufficient." She finally replied.

"Not really," Rebuked Rito as he stood up. "It's good on occasion, but if you eat nothing but Taiyaki, your diet will be unbalanced, your body will start feeling weird, and there's even a good chance you'll get fat and lazy." He noticed Yami's eyes widen and cheeks redden uncomfortably at the words 'fat and lazy'.

"It could cause that?" Yami asked slightly fearfully. Rito nodded. "But then why do people eat it?"

"For one thing, it tastes good." Rito answered, starting to regain his nerves. "That, and most people balance their diets so that they only eat it on occasion." Yami looked somewhat lost.

"'Balance your diet'?" Yami wondered aloud. "I've seen the term used in books before, usually alongside the term 'Food pyramid', but exactly what do these terms mean?" Now it was Rito's turn to look somewhat lost.

"You mean you don't know?" Asked Rito in slight astonishment. Yami shook her head. "I would've figured someone who reads as much as you would know something like that."

"I do read quite a bit, but books about food never really held much of my interest." She admitted. "I've always thought food was food."

"That's a pretty bad mistake to make." Scolded Rito mildly. "The first food from Earth you ate was that Taiyaki I gave you, and you seem to have almost exclusively eaten that since, though Taiyaki's not all that bad for you. If I'd given you something like ice cream or fast food and you made the same habits with one of those instead, you'd be pretty obese and possibly on your way the hospital due to lack of proper nutrition by now." Rito was shocked by the look that suddenly appeared on Yami's face. If he didn't know any better, he'd say that she looked... scared. But that was impossible; Yami never got scared.

"Rito Yuuki," Began Yami shakily, which was usually a sign of bad things to come for Rito, so he reflexively did his best to shield himself. "Tell me more about 'balancing your diet' and 'food pyramid'."

Rito stared at her for a few seconds, wondering why she was acting like this, before he realized something. Even though she was pleasant enough when nothing was bothering her, Yami was still a serious assassin, and assassins had to stay in shape. The idea of becoming obese, lazy, and sick enough to require a trip to the hospital is probably the closest to nightmares that she can get... Well, that and anything ecchi. "Alright," Rito agreed. "You seem pretty shook-up about this, and you are one of Mikan's best friends, so I'll help you."

"I am not 'shook-up about this', Rito Yuuki." She said, defensively, sternly, and slightly red-faced. "I just need to stay in top condition so that I can complete my mission to kill you."

'Like I haven't heard that one a thousand times before.' Though Rito sarcastically, though he knew much better than to put that thought to voice. He took a moment to look around. "Follow me." He said as he walked across the street to a small market. Yami hesitated for a few seconds before following.

---

Inside the Market

"What are we doing here?" Asked Yami once they were inside.

"I'm going to show you a few things about nutrition." Replied Rito. "And the best way to do that is to have some examples at hand." Looking around again, he walked to the edge of the store. "Do you see these?" He asked, gesturing to many vegetables beside them. Yami nodded. "These are vegetables. They're plants that keep your skin and body clean and healthy. You need about two or three servings of these a day."

"Servings?" Asked Yami.

"Basically, about ten bites." Rito elaborated, though Yami could tell he was largely guessing.

"I see." She replied as Rito led her around the edge of the market to a new section.

"These are fruits," He said, gesturing to the wide array of fruits beside them. "They're plants, like vegetables, and it's good if you get just as many of these as vegetables in your diet." He noticed Yami looking at the display oddly. "What is it?"

Yami turned to stare at him oddly for a few seconds, as if she was uncertain about answering him. "What's the difference between fruits and vegetables?" She finally asked.

"Well..." Rito hummed as he thought it over and led Yami-chan to the middle of the market. "Fruits tend to be softer, juicy, and usually sweet or sour. While vegetables are crunchy and have a more subtle flavor."

Yami stared at him once again, like she was pondering something important. Rito noticed that she seemed to be doing that a lot today. "It's cold." She finally observed as she rubbed her arms slightly.

"That's because we're in the refrigerated section." Rito explained. "Most foods need to kept at low temperatures or else they'll spoil. It's especially true for meat and dairy." He noticed Yami looking deep in thought again. "Dairy is anything made of milk and meat comes from animals." He elaborated, guessing what she would ask.

Yami glared at him dully. "I know where meat comes from." She said in a slightly defiant tone.

"Right, right," Rito replied awkwardly. "Anyway, meat helps build muscle, and dairy helps your bones get stronger and helps you grow taller." Rito noticed the obvious interest in her expression at the mention of the words 'muscle' and 'taller', and couldn't help but chuckle.

"Is something funny?" Asked Yami in a slightly too serious tone.

"Um, nothing, nothing, nothing!" Rito responded in a panic. "Anyway, you need to get as much meat and dairy in your diet as fruits and vegetables!" He said quickly as he walked off, trying to direct the conversation away from topics that were likely to get him beaten half to death.

Yami followed him in awkward silence for what felt like forever. Rito could literally hear his heart pounding in his ears, worried and frightened by her unusual silence. "Is there anything else I should know about nutrition?" Yami asked, finally breaking the silence and making Rito jump slightly.

"W-Well..." Rito stuttered nervously, frantically looking around for anything he could find to continue this conversation and help keep his pulse normal. Finally, something caught his eye. "There's also breads and grains." He said as he quickly grabbed a bag of rice. "They give you lots of energy, but you need to get about six servings a day." He explained frantically, glad for a way out of the scary silence and death glares.

Yami clearly didn't feel the same about the silence, as she continued her silent stare. Rito slowly found himself shaking and sweating nervously under her impartial and thoughtful eyes. "You seem to know quite a bit about these things, Rito Yuuki." She finally said after two minutes of silence. "It's odd that you would, since every time I've come to visit Mikan, she's the one who prepares the meals. Whereas you don't do much aside from... ecchi things."

"I'm really not like that." Rito facefaulted. "Weird things just seem to happen to me." He tried to regain whatever composure and dignity he had left. "And just because you only seem to see me in those situations most of the time, doesn't mean there isn't more to me than that." He gently scolded.

Once again Yami was silent, though Rito wondered why. She'd never hesitated to voice her opinion on anything before, especially whenever it involved insulting or rather, assaulting, him. So Rito wasn't really scared, so much as confused. Suddenly, the final straw occurred when Yami suddenly began trying to nervously avoid eye contact with him! She never looked away unless she was reading, and she certainly didn't ever look nervous! She always kept a watchful eye on whoever she was talking to, and her expression was always either neutral or embarrassed, the latter of which always quickly made way to anger. "What are those?" She finally asked, breaking the silence and Rito's concentration.

"Those?" Rito said as he looked in the direction she was looking at. "Those are candies."

"What do they do?" Asked Yami.

"Not much really." Admitted Rito. "They taste good, but aside from that, they have no nutrients and they're pretty bad for you as a whole. I'd stay away from them and junk food as a whole, aside from a rare treat every so often."

"'Junk food'?" Yami-chan parroted, showing that she didn't understand.

"Food with oils, high fat content, and added sugar, salt, and preservatives." He elaborated, though he could see it went over Yami's head somewhat. "You might just want to read a book about nutrition." He finally suggested.

"I think that would be best." Yami responded a bit too quickly. "I should find one and come back later."

"Wait a second!" Rito said as a reflex to Yami's bizarre behavior, planning to question her on it, before quickly backing off under her glare. "Uh... Why don't I help you get any groceries you need for a while, and you can take your time finding and reading a good book on nutrition?" He quickly substituted for what he wanted to say.

Once more, Rito found himself under Yami's piercing gaze. Afraid she might hurt him, in spite of the fact that the rational part of his brain kept telling him even she wouldn't attack him for just that simple suggestion. "Very well." She finally relented, much to Rito's relief. "I suppose I'll need to have nutritious food available to me within the near future."

"Alright then." Rito replied, relaxing once more. "Let's go get a shopping cart and we can get started."

---

After Shopping

'That could have gone better.' Groaned Rito inwardly as he nursed a bump on his head that he had, once again, done nothing to deserve. 'As if being confused and terrified by how weird Yami is acting, for her anyway, some chatty girls had to mention what a 'cute couple' Yami and I make. What part of us would look like that!' His head hurt even more just thinking about it.

"Thank you for your help, Rito Yuuki." Said Yami evenly. "I was unaware that my eating habits could cause me harm. I'll have to look into the matter in more detail later."

"Don't mention it Yami," Replied Rito. "After the misunderstanding earlier, this is the least I could do to apologize."

"It's not entirely your fault." Admitted Yami. "Sallem is quite famous for his sadistic mischievous streak. Whenever something catches his interest, he's extremely unlikely to let it go until he's done playing with it."

"Yeah, that fits him to a T." Rito deadpanned.

Yami once again stared at him, as if debating whether or not furthering conversation with him was a good idea. "Regardless, this has taught me that you're not as useless as I originally thought."

"Um, thanks... I think?" Responded Rito.

"As a reward, I'll allow you to live a bit longer so that you may do some good for those around you." Yami conceded before walking off.

Once he was certain she was gone, Rito let out a breath he wasn't aware he'd been holding. "Will she ever let that go?"

"Maybe~." Came a deep, scratchy, grizzly voice from just to his right, causing Rito to practically jump out of his skin as he shakily turned to face whatever it was that had said that.

"GAHHH!" Screamed Rito as he fell away from the mangled face he saw. "Sallem!"

"Yohohohohoho!" Laughed Sallem. "That gag never gets old! Your reaction is richer than someone in a zombie attack, and they have a very good reason to be scared!"

"What are you doing here?" Rito asked, shortly afterwards mentally kicking himself for asking a question with such an obvious answer.

"Seems like you already know why I'm here." Observed Sallem.

"Why do you insist on doing this to me?" Asked Rito. "Aren't there other people you could be annoying right now?"

"Probably," Replied Sallem bluntly. "But none of them are involved with any childhood friends of mine, and Lala's always been like a little sister to me, so I'm just looking out for her happiness."

'While ignoring mine.' Grumbled Rito inwardly.

"Not true," Rebuked Sallem. "Aren't you happy about falling in love with Ryoko?"

"Ryoko and Yami are completely different!" Rito denied. "Ryoko loves me, while Yami just wants to kill me!"

"Are you certain about that?" Sallem asked as he tilted and turned his head so that his scar was noticeably pronounced. "If she really wanted you dead, do you really think she would have let you live so long?"

"She's friends with Mikan," Rito reasoned. "She's probably waiting for some way to get rid of me without any trouble."

"But what about before she became friends with Mikan?" Sallem countered easily. "Her actions are easy for me to comprehend, but not so much for you, are they?" Sallem knew he was going into territory so unpredictable that even he wasn't completely aware of how it would go, but this was a necessary gamble, and he'd already stacked most of the deck anyway, so there was little risk. "You'll try not to think about it, but like Pandora's box, you'll eventually find yourself unable to resist the temptation," He assumed a demonic face. "And when you do, you'll either find yourself better, worse, much worse, or perhaps even dead for it." He glared at Rito for a few more seconds after saying everything he felt the need to. When Rito looked about ready to piss himself, Sallem relinquished his assault and walked off. "Just some food for thought." He remarked before pulling out his remote and vanishing.

---

Morning - The Next Day

"Hey Rito." Came a slightly dark voice from behind Rito as he walked into school.

"I'm really not in the mood this morning Sallem." Rito brushed him off.

"Sallem?" Quirked the speaker. "Rito, it's me, Saruyama." He explained bitterly.

"Ah, Saruyama!" Rito jumped when he realized his mistake. "I'm sorry. It's just that, with the way you were talking, I thought you were Sallem for a second." He explained. "Why do you seem so grumpy today?"

"Same reason any other guy at school is pissed at you," He explained. "Picking up a babe like Mikado-sensei is bound to get you some jealous looks."

Rito sighed. He should have known it was something like that. After all, Ryoko had the kind of body and attitude that just demanded attention. The idea that she was off the market was bound to be upsetting to everyone who found her attractive, which was pretty much every guy at school and several people who'd seen her on the streets and at the gym. They could have taken it a lot better than they had though; trying to beat someone up out of jealousy was a very bad way to deal with disappointment.

"But that aside, why did you think I was Sallem?" Saruyama asked curiously.

"Well, Sallem is almost always trying to scare or hurt me in some way, so when you tried to sound scary from behind me, I thought it was him." Rito explained.

"Seriously?" Asked Saruyama. "Why would he do that? I mean, I may not know him very well, but since he's an old friend of Lala's you'd think he'd be at least a little nice."

"I'm pretty sure it has something to do with Lala." Rito replied, not wanting to go into the details of how he obviously wanted him to have a harem. Mentioning that would most likely get him chased by the entire male population of the school... again.

"Ohh, I get it." Nodded Saruyama, trying to look sagely. "So he's basically just jealous of you and expressing that envy violently. Envy's not a pretty thing. I pity anyone who stoops to that level."

'Says the guy who led the charge against me for getting Ryoko's love without even trying.' Rito thought bitterly. Not only had Saruyama made himself look stupid just now, but Rito also seriously doubted that Sallem had any interest in Lala, whatsoever. After all, he'd rudely turned down an offer from Lala's dad to become one of her fiance candidates, he already had three wives of his own, and he seemed to be actively trying to set Rito up with her and a few other women. But Rito knew Saruyama didn't know that, and had to admit that it was actually a rather logical conclusion based on his limited information.

"Hey, speaking of romance, have you seen Riko around?" Asked Saruyama, cutting off Rito's train of thought. "I know she's a relative of yours, so I was wondering if you've seen her around."

"Uh, no, I haven't seen her!" Denied Rito frantically. "Uh, I gotta get to class now! SEE YA!" He panicked as he ran off, leaving a large dust trail in his wake.

Saruyama just stared vacantly in the direction Rito ran off in for a few seconds. "He runs really fast." Saruyama observed.

---

Later - With Rito

"It feels kinda weird," Rito observed. "Walking home without Sallem bugging me, that is. Not that I mind, in fact I actually like it better this way, since he's not hurting me or forcing me into anything... I guess I've just grown used to it, like with Lala's weird inventions and every other weird thing in my life. They may bother me, but it just feels natural by this point." At this point, Rito became aware of a loud barking and several people screaming. Turning to see what it was, he was very surprised to see some kind of dog running his way.

Ordinarily, loud barking and a few people screaming would easily be clues to a mad dog of some kind getting loose, but this case was different. The dog in question was some kind of mechanical canine, however that was possible. While he was confused at how something like that could be happening to him, he wasn't gonna stick around to find out, and quickly ran screaming.

After running aimlessly around the neighborhood for about five minutes, Rito came across someone he desperately wished he hadn't.

"Oshizu!" Panicked Rito.

"Oh, hello there, Ri-Ri-Ri..." She trailed off fearfully as she saw why Rito was running. "DEMON DOG!" She shrieked. Then, all of a sudden, Rito found himself flying through the air, courtesy of Oshizu's psychic powers, which had clearly gone into overdrive, based on the speed and height Rito was at. Not that this was surprising however, given how scary and mad the dog looked in comparison to the dogs she normally freaks out about.

---

With Yami

Yami didn't like this. She didn't like that, even with all the ingredients Rito Yuuki had helped her buy, the food she made didn't taste very good. She'd eaten it, though. She saw no sense in letting good food go to waste. But she wanted to prevent something like that from happening again. She wondered how she could get the food she makes to taste better. Then she remembered the food she'd eaten when she visited Mikan. It was quite good, so she figured that she could get cooking lessons from her. This is how she found her feet leading her to the Yuuki household.

The moment she found herself right outside the door however, she heard a faint yelling. One which quickly grew louder and louder, until something, Or rather, someone, crashed into her.

"Owww." Groaned both Yami and Rito as they tried to gather themselves. Normally Yami wouldn't be so disoriented, but the speed at which Rito was going caused him to ram into her harder than he usually did. Not surprisingly, Rito was the first to gather his wits about him and the first thing he noticed was that his left hand was on Yami's chest, while his right hand was grabbing her thigh. Needless to say, Rito got up instantly.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Apologized Rito frantically. "There was this weird dog, and I ran into Oshizu, and she..." Rito trailed off when he realized that, not only had he not been pummeled yet but Yami was still trying to get her head back on straight. "Um, are you alright, Yami?" He asked as he helped her up.

"I'm fine." She replied bluntly, still disoriented. "You landed on me harder than you usually do."

"Does this really happen that much?" Asked Rito awkwardly.

"Enough times for me to know how fast you usually fly." She answered as she finally got her head on straight... Only to notice Rito was holding her closely. "Let go of me... Now!" She seethed red-faced as her hair turned into a giant fist.

Rito quickly let her go and tried to get away, but got a powerhouse straight to the face regardless. "I'm sorry." He apologized pitifully.

"You'd better be." Remarked Yami as she changed her hair back to normal.

"I wonder how far I flew," Rito pondered as he got up. "And where I am now." Looking around, it didn't take him long to find out. "This is my house." He realized. "What are you doing here Yami?"

Like she had yesterday, Yami just stared at Rito for a few seconds before responding. "The food we bought yesterday was difficult to prepare. I was hoping Mikan would teach me how to cook." She finally responded.

"Is that so?" Came a slightly mischievous voice from the gate. Turning to see who it was, Rito and Yam saw Mikan with a playful and knowing look on her face. "You two went shopping yesterday, did you?" She asked. "And now Yami came here for cooking lessons. Did I hear right?"

Like she'd done with Rito, Yami just stared at Mikan for several seconds before responding. "Yes. I was informed that my current diet could be detrimental to my health, so Rito Yuuki informed me of some more appropriate foods to eat. Though like I said, I know little about how to prepare anything."

"Well you've come to the right place, Yami." Replied Mikan happily. "Unfortunately, you've also come at the wrong time." She continued, oddly still happy looking. "School wiped me out pretty badly today, so I'm gonna get some rest right now. Though I'm sure that Rito would be more than happy to help."

"Me?" Panicked Rito. "B-B-But I don't know how to cook! You know what a disaster I am in the kitchen!"

"I'm sure that you'll do fine, Rito." Mikan shrugged him off casually. "I'm sure you two can manage something. Two heads are better than one, after all." Walking over to Yami, she quietly whispered to her. "Don't worry. I know how to keep a secret." She reassured a slightly confused looking Yami, before going inside to call Lala and tell her to stay at Haruna's house for a while, and try to keep everyone at home in their rooms, so Rito and Yami could make some progress. After all, Yami was one of her best friends, and if she really wanted her brother, then she'd help her out as best she could.

---

In The Kitchen With Rito and Yami

'This is not good! This is not good! This is not good! This is not good!' Rito recited this mantra in his head. 'Mikan knows I'm a horrible cook! Yami can barely stand me! And given my track record, something is bound to go horribly wrong!'

"Rito Yuuki," Yami began coolly, sending a nervous chill up his spine. "There is something I need to-"

"So what do you want to make?" Asked Rito quickly, hoping to distract Yami for as long as she was here.

Rito couldn't see it, but he could clearly feel Yami's cold, thoughtful gaze boring into his back for about twenty seconds. "Something easy to make that meets my necessary dietary needs." She finally said. "Now as I was saying before-"

"Something easy to make... Got it!" Replied Rito hastily as he found something in a cookbook that Yami had not seen him grab. "Curry Rice. It's a very well balanced dish, and it's got meat, grains, and vegetables. Just add a glass of milk and some fruit for dessert and you've got a well balanced meal." Finished Rito, trying to cover all the bases that Yami might want to know about the nutrition facts.

As was becoming the norm for him after talking to Yami, she stared at him for an uncomfortable length of time, with Rito wondering what was wrong. He was so focused on Yami, that he wasn't even really reading the cookbook anymore. Suddenly, the cookbook was grabbed from his hands by her hair. When Rito felt her gaze drift away from him, he realized that Yami must have suddenly found the cookbook much more interesting than him... Why did that make him feel depressed?

Finally, after a rather long pause, which Rito did not feel awkward about for once, as Yami's attention was on the cookbook, rather than him. She responded. "This does seem like a very simple and nutritious meal." She observed, highly interested, at least by her standards. "Where do you keep the ingredients for it?"

"The ingredients?" Parroted Rito, obviously clueless. In his haste to appease Yami so she wouldn't stare at him so intensively, he'd completely forgotten to look at the recipe itself. All he knew about Curry Rice were the main ingredients of curry, rice, meats, and vegetables, and that it was a very popular and nutritious dish. He didn't have any clue about the finer details of exactly which meats and vegetables were in it, or how to prepare it. "Well, let's just take a look at the recipe and see." He said as he slowly and shakily reached for the cookbook, Yami noticed this and quickly handed him the book.

"Rito Yuuki." Began Yami again as Rito began reading the recipe.

"Y-Yes?" He swiftly responded.

"You are frightened," She observed bluntly, causing Rito to flinch. "And I think I know why." She made a long pause again, making Rito sweat again. "You are afraid of my silence, or rather, my silence while I'm deep in thought." Rito was immediately lost.

"Silence while you're deep in thought?" Parroted Rito in befuddlement, before he decided to clarify. "Actually, I've been getting nervous because you've been staring at me intensively so much." Now Yami was lost.

"I've been staring at you?" She wondered as she stared at him in silence again.

"Yes," Replied Rito, more awkwardly than nervous this time, as he was beginning to understand what was going on. "You're doing it right now." He informed her.

"I am?" She asked as she snapped out of her staring. "I was just thinking."

"I guess you just have a habit of staring when you think. Sorta like when you read books, I guess." Realized Rito while scratching the back of his head. "What are you thinking about anyway? Something really tough has gotta be on your mind if you're taking so much time thinking about it."

Once more Yami began staring, though since he knew it wasn't really directed at him, Rito didn't let it bother him this time. She stared at him longer than he'd ever seen her do so before, even though she only started this habit yesterday. "I need to think over exactly what to say to you." Rito looked slightly taken aback, and Yami looked almost... nervous. "As I stated yesterday, Sallem has a habit of playing with people however he pleases." Yami looked calmer, while Rito was beginning to understand the situation fully. "He has obviously set his sights on making us... an... item." Rito noticed a slight blush on Yami's face, and was almost certain that she was aware of it since she seemed to be struggling to keep a straight face.

"I... see." Replied Rito eventually. "I've actually known that he was trying that for awhile." He admitted, Yami's eyes widened marginally before quickly returning to her indifferent demeanor.

"You're already aware of this." It wasn't a question. "Exactly how long have you been aware of his twisted ideas?" That was.

"Well... I'd have to say that I've had my suspicions since he held me at gunpoint and told me to name every girl I can off the top of my head." He answered awkwardly.

Once again Rito was met with Yami's silent glare, but there was something different about it this time. Something... Angry? Probably, but there was also something else in there too. What it was, Rito wasn't exactly sure, but his instincts told him that whatever it was, he should be running from it right now. "And I was one of the girls you thought of?" She finally said. At that point, Rito realized by the faint blush on her cheeks, that the other emotion was embarrassment, and he knew all too well what happens when Yami gets embarrassed.

"Y-Yes." He replied fearfully.

"Why?" She asked immediately.

"Well... You hurt me... a lot." He answered awkwardly.

"I see." She breathed, looking somewhat relieved. "In that case, neither of us has anything to worry about. You're my target, I'm your killer. So long as these roles don't change, which they won't, no romance can be nurtured."

Rito wasn't sure how to respond to that. She reminded him about the exact nature of their relationship, and gave him a very logical explanation as to why they would never wind up together... So why did this not make Rito feel any better? Based on past experience, he could safely say that the chances of Yami actually killing him were slim to none. Pound and scar him yes, but not kill. Maybe that was it. She wasn't making any active moves to kill him, so she wasn't really his killer, and so her statement didn't have any real hold in reality.

And even if she was serious about her claims to kill him, Rito had a feeling that Sallem could work his way around that and make them connect regardless. He seemed extremely confident about his plans, even to the point of informing Rito of them beforehand. Not to mention that he clearly had a good track record if he's been doing this for... How many years did he say he's been at this? Seven years? Rito was pretty sure about that number.

The question now was: Should he tell her about his suspicions? If he told her now... she'd likely kill him to prevent anything from happening. If he didn't tell her and she found out later... he guessed it would have to depend on how long before she found out. If she found out soon... she'd likely kill him to stop anything from happening. If she found out later, as in after whatever plan Sallem may have succeeds... she wouldn't kill him, but would likely apply some force into getting them into a relationship, if Rito wasn't already hooked by then too...

'Wait a second...' Thought Rito. 'This is it isn't it? I can't say anything without getting killed, and Sallem will just keep pushing us together until we both cave! One path leads to death, while the other leads to me and Yami falling in love! There are literally no other options for me here, and Sallem knows it!' Rito visibly tensed when he realized this. 'He's got me boxed into a corner! My only hope is for Yami to not cave, but Sallem's good, too good for that hope!'

"Now you're staring, Rito Yuuki." Observed Yami, snapping Rito out of his trance. "What are you thinking about?"

"I was just," He gulped, buying a second to think of a quick lie. "Wondering about how Sallem would react to you figuring that out." He lied hopefully.

"He has no doubt already planned for my revelation." She replied easily. "Taking every factor into account is his modus operandi. He wouldn't be trying to get us together if he wasn't positive our personalities were compatible, and given his intellect, he's likely to be correct." She admitted.

Rito's brain came to a screeching halt. "Wait a second," He began sternly. "You're saying that there's a good chance, a very good chance, that we could be..." He gestured between them awkwardly.

"Yes." Was her simple answer. "If the circumstances between us were different, there's a good chance we could have fallen in love. However, I was hired to kill you, and that's exactly what I plan on doing."

Now Rito was really confused. "If you're so certain that we could fall in love, then why do you keep trying to kill me?" The moment he finished that statement, he found a blade pointed directly at his face.

"Are you saying that you want us to fall in love?" She asked as dangerously as she knew how to sound. "I was under the impression that you already held feelings for, Haruna, was it?"

"Well, yes but," He gulped shakily. "People don't really tend to take my feelings into consideration very much." He finished, lame as it sounded.

Staring at him for a few seconds, Yami slowly withdrew her blade and turned it back into her hair. "Your life doesn't sound very pleasant." She observed bluntly.

"You don't know the half of it." Sighed Rito, half in depression and half in relief. "Between the aliens, my social life, and all the times I get; tripped, pushed, thrown, or otherwise shown or felt the female body in various ways against my will, it's hard to be me."

"Against your will?" Highlighted Yami curiously. "Are you saying that every time you've done something ecchi, it wasn't your fault?" She asked with extreme skepticism.

"Exactly!" Sighed Rito thankfully. "I'd never do anything like that on purpose. It's like I've got the worst luck in the world... Wait a second... Are you saying that you've never noticed that none of those... encounters... were my fault?" The notion that an assassin as skilled as Yami wouldn't notice something like that sooner baffled Rito.

"I was always more concerned with teaching you a lesson you never seemed to learn." She admitted remorselessly. "The idea that every time you were doing something ecchi was nothing more than an accident is ridiculous."

"Agreed," Admitted Rito. "It shouldn't be possible that things like that happen to me all the time, but that's sadly not the case." He sighed.

"You should train your balancing abilities." Deadpanned Yami.

"Well, that might work for a few cases, but-"

"We should begin cooking." Interjected Yami swiftly.

Blinking in mild disbelief a few times first, Rito asked. "Alright, but why?"

"The more we talk, the more likely we are to fall into some trap of Sallem's." She explained. "While I have stated my desire to distance myself from you emotionally and eventually kill you, I am also not naive to Sallem's track record. He's published several books detailing his exploits in the past - most of which I've read - and he's helped even the most unlikely of people to find love. While my resolve may be set now, Sallem is a master at manipulating the emotions, feelings, and ideals of others to entertain himself, and even I might eventually fall prey to his tricks." She turned her hair into a blade and positioned it at Rito's neck. "No more talking, all I require of you now is cooking lessons. Anything else is too risky at the moment, and even cooking itself may be risky."

Not wanting to argue and risk further injury, Rito silently complied and started retrieving the ingredients listed on the recipe.

---

On The Stairway

'So that's what this is all about.' Realized Mikan as she eavesdropped. 'I thought Yami was acting weird when she said she wanted my help in winning Rito over, if that was even her at all, and now it all makes sense. She never really wanted Rito at all, it was just some twisted ploy by Sallem. Although... She did say that Sallem had a really good track record and that he took other peoples feelings into consideration, though that thing about a gun is pushing it, and she even admitted that she and Rito were most likely compatible. So why is she staying so distant when she knows she could be happy with Rito?' Mikan thought this over for a moment. 'She tries to make it sound like it's because of her pride as an assassin, but personally I think she sounds more like a tsundere than anything else. Sallem might actually be on the right track with this.'

An assassin and her target falling in love, ridiculous as it may sound, was most likely what was going on here. 'Sallem can probably manage this on his own. He has years of experience after all, but Yami's my friend and I want to help. But if two people play matchmaker without working together, it can end badly... Maybe I could ask Sallem if I could help somehow.' Setting aside her thought of getting her brother and best friend together, she eventually decided to instead contemplate what it would be like to have several sisters-in-law, nieces, and nephews like she was so obviously going to have in the future.

---

6:43 - After The Cooking Lesson

"Thank you for teaching me how to cook, Rito Yuuki." Said Yami. "Are you certain it's alright for me to borrow this?" She said as she held up a rather worn cookbook.

"Of course, of course." Answered Rito nervously as he gingerly rubbed the cuts and bruises he received from her. "It's a pretty old cookbook so Mikan doesn't really use it anymore. Not to mention that you read pretty fast and seem to have a photographic memory anyway, so I don't think anyone will mind if you take it for a few days."

She stared at the cookbook in her hands for a few seconds. "Thank you for this, Rito Yuuki." Yami thanked him, before promptly walking off without another word.

---

7:52 - With Sallem

"How did you enjoy all the festivities?" Asked Sallem excitedly.

"It... it was... just so." Fumbled Benitsubasa over her words. "Ohhh, it was just perfect! Thank you so much!" She exclaimed as she threw herself onto him. "The music. The dinner. The dancing. The movie. I don't even care that I had to share you!" She was so excited that it took her a few seconds to realize what she had said. "Er, wait! I don't mean! What I mean to say is! It was fun with all of us, but! Eep!" She frantically tried to explain herself, but shut up and blushed when she felt Sallem grabbing her but.

"Calm down, calm down." Sallem said reassuringly as he let go of her but. "Don't worry, I know exactly what you meant." He said knowingly.

"And what did she mean?" Asked Haihane jokingly, earning her a glare from Benitsubasa.

Grabbing Haihane by the arm and adding her to the hug, Sallem responded. "I think you already know." He explained to the two blushing and stuttering girls. "What about you Karasuba? How did you enjoy our night out?"

"I think you already know." Scoffed Karasuba mockingly.

"Aww, if you weren't having any fun you should have said so sooner. I would've been more than happy to take you to an underground arena or something like that if you really wanted." He replied teasingly, causing Karasuba to glare bitterly at him, though she had to admit that she did find the idea rather appealing.

"Don't mind her, Sallem." Brushed off Haihane. "She's just a tsundere." She chuckled at her own remark.

"Why you little..." Growled Karasuba fiercely, but stopped when she noticed Sallem staring slack jawed into space. "What are you looking at?" She asked as she followed his line of sight.

"A bar in the seedy part of town..." Observed Sallem vacantly.

"Yeah, so what?" Asked Karasuba as she looked at the bar in question. "Don't tell me you plan on getting drunk again."

"Two stories..." He continued, unhindered. "Sturdy chandeliers and a large crowd of roughhousing heavy drinkers highly likely... Must start bar fight." He finished mechanically as he walked towards the bar.

"Start what?" Asked Benitsubasa disbelievingly, as Haihane stared dumbly at him. Karasuba, however...

"A bar fight?" She asked, suddenly interested. "Now that sounds like my idea of a date." She followed shortly after.

"...What do we do?" Asked Benitsubasa uncertainly after a pause.

"Follow them?" Suggested Haihane, equally uncertainly.

They did so.

---

7:21 - With Yami

Yami sat on a chair on her ship, adamantly reading the cookbook she'd borrowed from Rito Yuuki earlier. She had to admit that many of these recipes looked quite good, and most were fairly easy, though she'd have to go shopping to get some more ingredients if she wanted to make most of these. She'd never really had much interest in cooking, or friendship, or... really anything at all besides killing and reading before she came to Earth. Now? Now she had at least Mikan and the princess as friends, and she suspected that some of the other people that she's encountered since coming to Earth also saw her that way, even her target sometimes seemed to act like that at times, and she was currently reading a book in an effort to get better at cooking. Yami would even go so far as to admit that she was rather happy with her life right now...

"I wonder... how long this happiness will last?" She thought out loud.

---

Next Morning - Yuuki Household - Rito's Perspective

'What's this?' Rito thought groggily as something soft pressed up against him. 'Wait. I know this pattern.' He realized pitifully. "Will everyone in my bed besides me just get out?" He requested with his eyes shut tightly. With two obviously planned, matchmaking run-ins with Yami in as many days, he was on pins and needles, and in no mood to deal with the usual craziness he's typically subject to nearly every morning.

"What was that, Rito?" Said Lala groggily as she tried to wake-up and get her wits about her.

"I don't want to." Groaned Momo stubbornly as she tried to snuggle closer to Rito.

"HOW THE HELL DID I GET IN HERE?" Exclaimed Nana frantically.

"Hey! You two should know better than to climb into Rito's bed!" Scolded Lala.

'Hypocrite.' Deadpanned Rito silently.

"Hypocrite." Chorused Nana and Momo in unison.

"Get off of Rito! She's Onee-sama's fiance, not yours!" Demanded Nana as she tried to yank Momo off of Rito, but to little avail.

"He can have more than one. Royalty often has concubines." Countered Momo mockingly as she held desperately onto Rito.

"You're not listening to me! Rito doesn't like it when people wake-up in bed with him!" Lala continued to scold hypocritically.

'You're one to talk.' Thought Rito.

"What's with all the shouting in..." Came an obviously angry voice after the door swung open, before it trailed off uncertainly.

"Are we interrupting something?" Chuckled a second, much more mischievous voice after a long pause.

"Benitsubasa, Haihane, what are you doing here?" Asked Lala, informing Rito who those two voices were.

'Great, now Sallem's gonna hear about this.' Realized Rito numbly. 'When he gets involved, everything gets worse... For me at least.'

After a few moments of silence... "Er... Well... We were just wondering if you've seen Sallem anywhere around." Said Benitsubasa uncertainly.

"And now we're wondering about what's going on here." Chuckled Haihane.

"No we're not!" Cut in Benitsubasa immediately. "We were just leaving." The door swung.

"Wait a second," Said Haihane as the door stopped. "What have we here?" She said mischievously.

"We don't wanna know!"

"Yes we do." Chuckled Haihane. "Take a good look at Lala and Momo, just South of their heads."

"I really don't want... to..." Benitsubasa trailed off and stayed quiet for a few seconds. "IT'S NOT FAIR!" She whined as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"Huhuhuhuhu," Chuckled Haihane. "That was too funny. She's way too sensitive about her chest."

"Good morning Haihane. Good morning Benitsubasa." Greeted Peke. "Lala-sama, Nana, Momo. Why are you all in Rito-dono's bed again?"

"Again?" Chuckled Haihane.

"Are you saying this has happened before?" Asked Benitsubasa nervously.

'All the time.' Thought Rito sadly.

"Yes, quite often as a matter of fact." Explained Peke. "Though I must admit, I've never seen them all in bed with him at the same time."

"First time for everything." Deadpanned Haihane. "Not to mention they're all naked, or at least close to it." She chuckled.

"Will you please just dress Lala already?" Pleaded Benitsubasa. "And bind her breasts while you're at it!" She demanded.

"Bind my breasts?" Parroted Lala quizzically. "What does that mean?"

"It means she wants you to hide that wonderful chest of yours Onee-chan." Answered Momo teasingly. "She's just jealous of us."

"Ahhh! Momo, let go of me!" Moaned Lala.

"You've never complained when someone grabbed your chest before Onee-sama." Pointed out Nana uncomfortably. "Why start now?"

"Because Momo's grabbing my tail toooooo~!" Wailed Lala.

"I am?" Questioned Momo. "Oops, sorry Onee-chan. My knee was on your tail." She apologized sheepishly

"Why are we still watching this?" Asked Benitsubasa uncomfortably.

"Because it's funny?" Supplied Haihane.

"Think what you want, but we're leaving before things get weirder." Stated Benitsubasa with finality as she slammed to door.

"Peke! Dress Form!" Called Lala.

"Right away, Lala-sama." Complied Peke.

Rito felt the bed shake and shift slightly, informing him that Lala had gotten off.

"Nana, Momo, get out of Rito's bed and let him get ready for school." Demanded Lala mildly.

"Right away!" Exclaimed Nana, most likely panicking about having forgotten she was in his bed.

"I don't wanna." Complained Momo as she snuggled up to him more. "Sallem's getting in the way of me and Rito. If he's not here then I can make some progress."

"Sallem's getting in your way?" Parroted Nana thoughtfully. "That's no big surprise really, he's never really liked you that much, and you know how he treats people he doesn't like. Remember Ren/Run?" She teased.

"I wish I'd remembered that sooner." Grumbled Momo as she obviously reluctantly let go of Rito. "Maybe then things would be going more smoothly for The Harem Plan." She muttered under her breath, though Rito had heard it.

About a minute after the sound of three sets of footfalls stopped when the door had opened and then shut were heard, Rito dared to open his eyes. Finding nobody in his room but himself, he felt rather pleased about how everything had gone. Glad to have the room to himself once again, he got out of bed and got himself ready for the day.

After he'd gotten his clothes on, he went to brush his teeth. After his teeth were brushed, he went to breakfast. As he went to breakfast, he realized something.

"Maybe Sallem has a point," He thought aloud. "Maybe I should just roll with the punches."

---

School - The Same Day - Lunch

"Rito!" Exclaimed Yui the moment she saw him.

'It's gonna be one of those days, isn't it?' Realized Rito numbly as he put his lunch down. "What is it?" He asked, though he already had a decent guess.

"Is Sallem anywhere with you?" She asked as she looked around.

"Thankfully no." Replied Rito. "Why are you asking?"

"He wasn't around yesterday, and he's not around today." She seethed in response. "Does he really think that just staying away from school will get him out of trouble? He's going to have to attend classes sometime, and when he does..." She trailed off, leaving everything to imagination.

Rito sighed. "Yui, I really don't think there's anything you can do about him."

"Oh really?" She asked with a scary glint in her eye, sending shivers up Rito's spine. "And why not?"

After taking a moment to recover his nerves, Rito replied. "Well, for one thing, he already founded the biggest and most successful company in the galaxy, so things like money and education aren't really an issue for him." Yui's jaw dropped at that, and some ears were perked. "For another, he's really only here to joke around in the first place, so getting a reaction out of people is probably exactly what he's aiming for." Yui started seething again, while some chuckles were heard. "Not to mention he's really good at getting out of any kind of trouble in one way or another, and I can tell you from experience, it's unlikely that he'll ever really be held accountable for any of his actions." Yui was furious, and laughter could be heard.

"THAT UPSTART!" Exclaimed Yui, slightly scaring Rito. "Does he really think he can get away with everything just because of whatever his position is outside of school? Amoral people like him in a position of power are already ruining this society, and now they're ruining the whole galaxy as well! Why is it that every time more aliens come to this school, I'm the only one making any effort to ensure that order is maintained?" She was on a ranting roll, and you'd either have to be crazy or a troublemaker to try and stop her, but since Sallem isn't present at the moment...

"Hey, hey, Yui-chan, there's no need to be so uptight." Cooed Risa as she groped a now red-faced Yui's chest for no discernible reason. "If Sallem wants to make trouble, why not let him? Things are more fun with him around, after all."

"L-Let go of me!" Demanded Yui as she wormed her way out of Risa's grip. "Why is it that whenever something shameful happens, it's always either you, Rito, or The Principal at the center of it?"

Rito was sorely tempted to address the issue concerning him in that comment, not to mention the fact that he was rather disgusted at the prospect of being compared to The Principal. But decided against it when he realized it would probably only make things worse, and it was highly doubtful that Yui would even listen to him in the first place.

"I don't know anything about shameful," Denied Risa in mock embarrassment. "But if someone as sexy as Sallem wants to stir-up trouble, why not let him?"

"'Sexy'?" Parroted Yui angrily. "Since when did you find him 'sexy'? As I recall, you've done little more than complain about his antics since he got here. The Principal in your gym locker a few weeks ago being the best example of what he's done to you alone."

'The Principal seems to be involved in quite a few of Sallem's antics.' Observed Rito. 'Almost as many as Run.'

"She's probably just saying that because he's rich." Observed Mio.

"Hey!" Snapped Risa "Is there anything wrong with wanting a man who can provide for me? The life of absolute luxury thing is just a bonus."

'So transparent.' Deadpanned Rito, Yui, and Mio inwardly.

Smiling, Risa turned a sly eye to Rito. "Hey, Rito." She began coyly, causing Rito's nerves to fray. "I've heard that Sallem's staying with you during his stay on Earth. Do you think you could talk him into going on a blind date with me?"

"I really don't think that's possible... Since he's already married." Rito braced himself for the inevitable backlash from his words.

"Ehhhhh!" - Mio

"Already!" - Risa

"At his age?" - Yui

"Yeah." Rito confirmed.

There was a long pause in which no one spoke. Until finally...

"Damn it~," Sighed Risa. "Of course an absolutely epic catch like him would already be off the market. My fault for getting my hopes up."

"Don't worry Risa, I'm sure you'll find someone." Reassured Mio.

"Thanks Mio. You're always there for me when I need you." Risa responded vacantly as a glazed look came over her eyes.

"Risa? Are you o...k?" Asked Mio dully as an equally vacant look came over her eyes.

"Are you two feeling alright?" Inquired Yui curiously.

Yui wasn't entirely sure what to expect as a response. Tired, lightheaded, indigestion, food poisoning. Something that would easily explain their dull expressions and words. But something she wasn't expecting was something that happened.

THEY STARTED MAKING OUT!

"Wh-Wh-What on Earth are you doing?" Exclaimed Yui as Rito did a spit-take with the juice he'd been drinking.

They didn't respond, as they just fell sideways onto the floor, making out the whole while. At that moment, everyone in the room started crowding and staring. Reactions varied greatly, most boys looked excited, most girls looked shocked, some boys looked shocked, some girls looked excited, while Lala just looked confused. Not two seconds after everyone started staring, someone made their voice heard.

"Yohohohohoho!" Sallem's laugh cut through the room. "What did I say when I first got here? Lesbians. Both of them."

Snapping out of her shocked trance at his voice, Yui quickly turned her attention and anger towards Sallem. "YOU! What did you do to them?" She demanded heatedly.

"What makes you think I did it?" Asked Sallem in a tone that made it perfectly clear that he was the one responsible. The fact that he was wearing his sadist face made it doubly obvious. "For all you know they just randomly decided to make out."

"Because these things are always your fault," She growled in response. "And because of their... choice in discussion just moments before." She finished lamely.

"Fine, ya got me." Admitted Sallem as he threw his hands up in surrender. "I laced their food with certain animal pheromones that would make them temporarily fall madly in love with each other. The effects will wear off as soon as they hear a loud bell." He explained. "Is there anything else?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact there is!" She declared fiercely. "Why are you so late to school?! I don't care that you're rich, so long as you attend this school, you're going to follow its rules! Do I make myself clear?!"

"I honestly don't really care about your rules." Sallem remarked calmly. "The only reason I ever really came to this planet is because of the ridiculously powerful ghost."

"What was that about a ghost?" Asked Rito shakily.

"The evil ghost haunting you." Repeated Sallem as he pulled out a pair of sunglasses and handed them to Rito. "Here, put these on and look behind you."

Rito slowly and nervously did as Sallem requested, not sure he wanted to know what was going on. The moment he turned around, he saw the horrible sight of a green, decaying, melting thing dressed in flaming clothes. "WHAT IS THAT!"

"That would be the ghost I've been talking about." Said Sallem irritably, obviously tired of repeating himself. "From what I've come to understand, that freak has been roaming the Earth ever since some tragic and horrifying event in its past made it a vicious monstrosity. Given the incredibly evil nature of its death however, it's been deprived entirely of its ability to reason, is very powerful in certain areas, while very weak in certain others, and can't see anything beyond that single, all-consuming goal of revenge. It's also resulted in its grotesque appearance." He explained.

"Why is it haunting me then?" Asked Rito fearfully.

"As far as I can tell, you're like a super-battery for this thing." Sallem remarked curiously. "Because of some manner of cosmic hiccup that centered on your location, any misery or misfortune you encounter charges you with a spectral energy that could empower the ghost enough to get whatever revenge it seeks. Since tragedy is all about perspective however, for one reason or another, both it and your own body interpreted you getting the attention of several girls at once as misfortune, and given the limitations of the ghost's power, women are drawn to you excessively. Ergo, budding harem."

"Say what?" Asked an increasingly nervous Yui, obviously unnerved about the idea of a malevolent ghost haunting someone at her school.

"It's very simple, really," Began Sallem. "You see, ghosts typically have some extent of supernatural powers; the psychic powers Oshizu possesses are just one of the many abilities any given spirit may have. These abilities usually have something to do with the personality of the ghost in question, or at least the nature of their death, but this is not always the case. Regardless, in this case, this spirit has manifested the abilities of extreme hiding skills, and the ability to draw women to his host, in more ways than one." He explained. "You didn't honestly think that all those times you wound-up with your face and hands on some girl's crotch, ass, breasts, and/or legs were all natural occurrences, did you?" He joked.

"THEN GET IT TO STOP HAUNTING ME!" Shouted Rito, not only wanting the ghost gone, but also wanting his long running bad luck streak to end.

"Yes... Please do so." Requested Yui nervously. "Having an evil spirit haunting Rito will absolutely ruin the reputation of the school." She explained to mask the fact that she wasn't sure exactly which emotion she felt more of at the moment. Scared that such a malevolent spirit was haunting anywhere near her. Angry that an evil ghost was haunting someone she had to admit she considered at least a friend. Or cheated that the only reason she felt anything for Rito may very well be because of some monster... 'Wait. What?!' She did a double-take.

"I can't." Refused Sallem bluntly. "Though weakened, it's still latched on too tightly for even my technology to do anything about. The best I can do is scare it into behaving as best I can, though even that's not perfect."

"Scare it?" Wondered Yui, now officially clueless. "How can you scare something like that?" She gestured to Rito with disgust.

'I'm glad she's talking about the ghost and not me this time... At least I hope so.' Thought Rito.

"My very presence scares creatures more in tune with their instincts that are relatively weaker than me into submission." Explained Sallem. "It's called 'Intimidation' and it's a natural occurrence in nature. That thing's so stupid, all it has left in the way of thought processes is instinct."

"But what about the school?" Demanded Yui heatedly, finally getting her nerves back.

"What about me?" Mildly whined Rito.

"Don't worry about anyone finding out," Rebuked Sallem. "Right before this conversation started, I had the foresight to place all three of us in a lower field of resolution. Everyone around us knows that we're here, but to them, right now we're nothing more than the background, they can't even hear us. So you have nothing to worry about, Dishrag." He 'reassured'.

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?" Shrieked Yui, drawing many stares, much to her confusion and embarrassment.

Coughing into his hand, Sallem whispered to Yui. "The field wore off right before you shouted."

"WHY YOU LITTLE-!" The bell rung before she could finish.

"WHAT THE HELL!" Exclaimed Risa and Mio as they abruptly stopped sucking the face of the other.

Sallem escaped to his desk amidst the confusion and laughter of the room. 'I love it when a plan comes together.' He thought as class started.

---

After School

"Why me?" Whined Rito as he slouched on his way home. "Why did this have to happen to me?"

"Quit complaining," Grumbled Sallem tiredly. "You've got the gift of attracting tons of women. Most men would kill to be in your position. You should be happy about this."

"This isn't right!" Rito raised his voice. "The fact that girls are coming after me because of an evil ghost is just wrong, not to mention all the trouble it's been giving me."

"Calm down, Rito. It can't be helped." Sallem gently reassured. "Until the bastard on your back loosens its hold on you enough for me to suck him into a vacuum and turn him into a portrait, you're stuck with it and the curse it provides you."

Rito just stared at Sallem dully for a few seconds. "I'm not even gonna ask what you mean by that." He sighed.

"You're learning." Observed Sallem. "Pot?" He offered.

"WHAT!" Rito exclaimed, hoping he'd heard wrong.

"I'm asking if you want any pot." Repeated Sallem.

"NO! Why do you even have that?" He asked, pointing to the offending drug.

"It increases my intellect." Explained Sallem. "Granted, no one else from my home planet knows that and I still suffer from the all the aftereffects you humans suffer from, minus the health risks, but it still pays to carry it on me."

Rito stared at him uncertainly for a few seconds. "Why would you need to be any smarter?" He asked skeptically. "You said your I.Q. is over 10,000, yet you're still trying to get smarter. Why?"

"The same reason I keep earning more and more money." Retorted Sallem. "Even though my personal bank account already has what translates to approximately 13,000,000,000,000,000,000 yen given the current exchange rate, I still keep trying to make more and more, so my company can grow and grow, so the galaxy can get safer and safer and happier and happier! That, and because I can." He explained happily.

Personally, Rito didn't know what to think about that. Granted, it was mostly because his brain had shorted out when Sallem said that he had over 13 QUINTILLION YEN all for himself, so he didn't really hear anything beyond that, but he still had no idea how to respond.

They didn't talk anymore on the way home.

---

Two Weeks Later

Rito was walking home from school, with Sallem following him, as per usual, though he really didn't mind. Why? For one thing, he wasn't talking to him. For another thing, he wasn't torturing him in some way. For one more thing, his presence was keeping his trouble with women in check. For yet another thing, this had been going on for the past two weeks! Rito couldn't be happier!

Yet at the same time, he couldn't be more afraid.

In the short six weeks Rito's known him, he's realized that Sallem doesn't shut up. Ever. If he's not teasing, he's joking. If he's not joking, he's sadistic. If he's not sadistic, he's casually chatting. If he's not casually chatting, he's either flat out drunk or high on something, but still talking nonetheless. Basically, Sallem was an endless well of conversation and laughter that never stopped jabbering during any waking moment, unless he was setting up a prank, and therefore, didn't want to risk getting caught. Although, given all the bribery and blackmail he'd gotten involved in during his stay, it was obvious that he was honestly more concerned about the prank getting ruined than getting in any amount of trouble that he would never actually get in anyway. So why was he not talking now, or at all for the past two weeks?

Rito didn't know, and it scared the crap outta him.

So his reaction to what happened next was understandable.

"Hey, Rito-" Began Sallem.

"GAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Rito screamed, nearly having a heart attack.

Sallem just blinked several times in silence before continuing. "Okay... I can honestly say that I didn't see that coming." He began, treading carefully for once. "Anyway, I was just wondering if we could do something tonight. My stay here is half over, and I'm not very satisfied with how many of the sights I've taken in."

Rito blinked at him a few times, trying to get his breathing back to normal. "That's it?" He asked skeptically. "You don't have any big plans for me and Yami?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Rito." Said Sallem, slightly lifting Rito's spirits. "Of course I have something planned for this outing for you and Yami." And then he proceeded to shoot them down.

"I'd rather not." Politely refused Rito, half knowing what the response would be.

"You act as if you have any choice at all in this matter." Rito saw that coming.

"Why do you insist on doing this to me?" Asked Rito. "What did I ever do to you?"

"You never did anything to me," Answered Sallem bluntly. "I'm just bored, and you're an outlet for that. Be thankful. I don't give my matchmaking services to just anyone, after all."

Rito sighed. He knew that well enough by now that he didn't need Sallem to reiterate it, but that didn't mean he was okay with it. Why had Sallem chosen to relieve his boredom by messing with him? Was it because of his friendship with Lala? Was it because of the evil spirit haunting him? Was it both or neither? What made him such a prime target for Sallem's entertainment? Knowing he would not get anywhere but the hospital or Ryoko's office by arguing with him however, Rito elected to just take Sallem's advice for once, and just roll with the punches. Though even if he did that, he knew that, given his luck, there was a good chance he'd still get hit by a kick, one most likely directed at a very tender area.

"Fine," Relented Rito, already regretting his forced decision. "Where did you want to go?"

"That, my dear Rito is a surprise." Said Sallem slyly. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have things to do that don't involve you..." He paused, putting a finger to his chin in thought. "Well, they don't involve you at the moment, but rest assured that they will before the day is done." With that, he pulled out his remote, pressed a button, and disappeared in a burst of confetti.

Seeing this confused Rito slightly. Normally, Sallem would disappear in a flash of light, but he had just disappeared in an explosion of confetti. It didn't seem like anything significant happened. So why the change? As he began to continue home the confetti suddenly burst into flames, and Rito stopped in his tracks in surprise.

After a few seconds when the flames died down, Rito took notice of something sticking out of the ashes of what once was confetti. Looking around, he saw many people looking at the same pile of ashes in shock of what had just happened. Letting curiosity get the better of him, Rito quietly took whatever it was out of the ashes and quickly fled the scene.

---

Yuuki Household - A Few Minutes Later

'What was that all about?' Wondered Rito as he paused to catch his breath outside his house. Deciding that he wouldn't figure anything out just by thinking about it, he took a look at what he'd pulled out of the ashes and saw it was a white envelope, not unlike what someone would mail letters in.

"How did this survive the fire?" Wondered Rito, though almost instantly he realized that there was probably some obvious answer to that question; fire-proof paper and Sallem teleporting it into the ashes after the flames had died down being the two most likely options. Deciding that he wouldn't find anything out by just staring at the offending piece of folded paper, he cautiously opened it away from him, threw it to the ground like a hot potato, and made a mad dash behind the sturdy concrete fence surrounding his house, afraid that Sallem had somehow managed to booby-trap it, he wouldn't put it past him to try.

After a few seconds of nothing happening, Rito dared to peek out from behind the fence and see if the letter was still there and not; burning, exploding, melting, spraying a gas of some kind, sprouting tentacles, or turning into a giant robot or monster of some kind. After a guinea pig had mutated and proceeded to maul The Principle three days ago, Rito wasn't taking any chances.

Knowing that he couldn't put it off any longer, Rito slowing reached into the envelope, took out a message, read it, and as he did so he heard what sounded like a typewriter, and began to feel very stupid.

Dear Rito,

We've received word that Dr. Claw has been recruiting new troops in Zimbabwe for his latest - Oops, sorry, wrong story. Anyway, I felt like the flash of light that I usually use for my teleporter was getting a bit old, so I decided to try something new. How did you like it? I bet I made you panic about the letter and then made you feel like a total idiot when you finally read it. Am I right? Am I right? Ah, I'll know soon enough anyway. I had one of my employees follow you with cameras after I teleported away. Personally, I think that the typewriter sound of the letter was the real kicker that really tied it all together.

Signed, Sallem

Warning! This message will self-destruct.

"SELF-DESTRUCT!" Exclaimed Rito, dropping the letter and ducking behind his fence again. After hearing a loud 'boom', he suddenly felt even more stupid for trusting Sallem to not put several layers of tricks into anything he does.

"What was that?" Asked Mikan as she suddenly burst through the front door.

"Sallem." Was all Rito needed to say.

"I see." Hummed Mikan as she caught sight of two aliens carrying recording equipment.

They waved at her.

She waved back. "Well, I suppose it's not that important then. Anyway, Rito we're all having a girls night out tonight, so that means that you and Sallem have to look after Celine while we're gone."

"Look after Celine? Tonight?" Asked Rito.

"Yes. Is there a problem?" His sister asked.

"Well, Sallem's planning on making me show him around tonight." He answered awkwardly.

"Take her along with you then." She suggested. "Celine doesn't get out enough as it is."

"I'm not sure if that's such a good idea." Responded Rito uneasily. "Sallem's obviously got some kind of weird plan for me, and I don't want Celine to get hurt."

"Don't worry Rito, Sallem and Celine get along just fine." Mikan reassured.

"They do?" Wondered Rito. He'd honestly never seen them interact.

"Of course," She confirmed. "Sallem gets along great with kids. You should just see him at the park: He's always the center of attention."

"If you say so." Consented Rito, still slightly unsure, but at least he knew he wouldn't hurt Celine, and it wasn't like he could plan ahead for this anyway, it was so spontaneous.

If only Rito knew...

---

That Night - After The Girls Have Left

"Ready to go, Dishrag?" Sallem asked Rito as he harshly lifted him up by the crown of his head, Celine cradled in his other arm.

"Will you put me down?" Struggled Rito.

Sallem hummed loudly and obviously as he pretended to think this over. "Okay!" He decided as he harshly threw Rito face first into the ceiling with nothing more than a simple flick of his wrist.

"Owwww." Muffled Rito painfully from his spot on the ceiling before falling to the ground. "Owwww." He groaned more clearly from his new spot on the floor. Celine giggled with delight at the sight, seeing this manner of slapstick as the norm for Rito. "Why do you always do this to me?" He asked, completely exasperated.

"I'm catching up for lost time, and you've been an iron butt monkey ever since that ghost latched onto you, so I'm just keeping things consistent." Sallem said in the most pleasant voice and face he could muster, which only served to make him look and sound all the more terrifying. "Now let's get going before the timing gets thrown off." He remarked as he walked to the door, stepping rather harshly on Rito's stomach on the way.

Rito could have asked Sallem what he meant by 'iron butt monkey'. He could have asked what he meant by 'the timing getting thrown off'. He actually should have done both as a matter of fact, but he knew Sallem well enough to know more or less what he meant by now.

He also knew better by now than to ask him too many questions when he was in one of his 'moods'. His moods being the times when he was most mischievous. Ergo, he settled on just voicing a question even he wouldn't complain to.

"Where do you want to go?"

"You'll see, Rito." Sallem replied pleasantly as he picked Rito up by his head again. "For now, I'll just be lugging you around in public like baggage to humiliate you."

'Of course.' Realized Rito. He was completely under Sallem's control and didn't have much freewill where he was concerned. It was quite pathetic, but Rito knew that he'd have to go along with anything Sallem came up with if he wanted to keep his bones intact.

"That's not entirely true Rito." Observed the mind reading Sallem as he walked down the street, drawing many odd looks all the while. With the odd sight that was a scarred man dressed in mismatched cosplay carrying an orange haired schoolboy by his head in one hand and a little girl in the other arm. "I'm forcing you into every situation I could think of so far, yes. But what you do in these situations is entirely up to your own choice and I won't fault you whatever the outcome."

That got Rito's attention. "You mean you won't force me into falling for Yami?"

"I can't force you to fall for anyone." Corrected Sallem. "All I can do is put you and whatever partner I've decided to set you up with in situations where you're forced to interact on an emotional and personal level. If you click, it just means I was right as usual and you'll do just fine together. If you don't, it just means that I'm wrong for once and that you won't wind up together." He explained.

"Won't you feel insulted by being wrong?" Asked Rito cautiously, beginning to get a headache from Sallem's vice-like grip.

"Both scenarios have happened with people I've tried to set up in the past." Shrugged Sallem. "Granted, the people I set up stay together far more often than not, but I've been wrong before, and I probably will be again sometime in the future... Just not with you." He added deviously, recalling some measures he'd taken earlier today.

---

A Few Hours Ago - With Yami

'This is a good series.' Though Yami as she cracked open volume 2 of Rurouni Kenshin. She was rather hesitant to read this series, but no more so than she was to read Black Cat. The reason for this being that these books were given to her by Sallem Cortez, and she was quite aware that Sallem was more crafty than he was powerful, and that was really saying something. She knew that Sallem had planned for these series to have an impact on her mind in some way or another, and as much as she didn't want to tempt fate, she always had a serious craving for reading, and the cover art of both series were very well styled, drawing her eyes like moths to a flame. She recalled reading about something like this more than once before. 'What was it again? Oh yes, now I remember...'

"Pandora's Box." Came a voice from behind her that sounded like someone gargling gravel.

Acting quickly, Yami turned and transformed her hair into the ultra-sharp blades she favored when she wanted to seriously hurt someone.

Acting more quickly, Sallem casually deflected the hair blades with the knife installed in the blade of his left hand.

Yami glared heatedly at Sallem, who just returned her look with a very cheeky grin, looking like he had nothing better to do at the moment than taunt her, which was actually true. After a long silence on both ends, Yami finally shattered that silence.

"Why did you come here?" She asked. She already knew the how, she just needed the why.

"What? No pleasant conversation," Asked Sallem, mildly offended. "No 'How have you been?' No 'How's your business doing?' You're not even curious as to why I'm dressed like I'm in the M.I.B.?" He joked as he gestured at his black suit and dark shades.

"Why did you come here?" She repeated in a harsher tone. She didn't want to even try to understand what goes on in his twisted little mind.

"Hey," Complained Sallem. "My mind isn't little. Mind your own business, Mr. Narrator."

Fine.

"Why did you come here?" She repeated once more as she turned her hair into blades again. She'd rather not know what he was talking about just now.

"Why are you so reluctant?" Sallem asked casually, ignoring her own question.

Curious about what he meant, and choosing her words carefully, Yami responded. "Reluctant about what?"

"Reluctant to adapt." He responded. Getting nothing but silence for an answer, he decided to elaborate. "From what I understand, you've been on this planet for around two years. Why, in all that time have you not abandoned the idea of killing Rito? Is killing Rito just an excuse that you can prolong at your leisure? Do you plan to ever really kill him? What is it that makes you so unwilling to let your past stop controlling your life?"

Yami kept up her usual cold exterior, pretending not to care, but inside, she was seriously wondering about what he was saying. She knew that he had a point. In truth, she had been using the assassination she was hired for as an excuse to stay on this planet, but she was still planning on eventually killing Rito Yuuki and eventually moving on. Her reason for this was simple, he'd even said it himself just now...

"My past." She finally answered, feeling that summed up her reasoning quite nicely.

"My presence alone can completely deter them." Unlike Yami, Sallem wasted no time in taking his turn to talk. This was because he'd rehearsed what he was going to say to her during this conversation beforehand for over twenty different scenarios. "You know as well as I do that whenever I so much as set foot on any planet, everyone who's aware of my existence is too scared to commit any crimes there. I've stopped entire Global Scale Wars this way. I may not be anywhere near as powerful as King Deviluke in terms of raw power, but my incredible mind and highly questionable sanity make me a much more feared threat."

"And what about after you leave?" She rebuked immediately. "We both know you're a nomad by nature. You can't stay in one place for very long before you get bored with it. You don't even care for your own fortune and house that much."

"That's very true." Consented Sallem. "But think of it this way: Lala, princess of the galaxy is one of the three women already in Rito's heart. Get in on that action, and you'll have the entirety of The Deviluke Empire on your side."

"You seem to be forgetting that 'they' plan to overthrow The Deviluke Empire anyway." Rebuked Yami before she could stop herself, completely ignoring that remark about three women being in Rito's heart. Pausing for about a minute to think of what to say next, she continued. "You may be a deterrent, but 'they' have no interest in someone who merely sells his best products to the highest bidder. The Deviluke Empire however, has fought and won in the Great War. The rewards are so great compared to the risks that 'they' don't care about the deterrent of The Deviluke Empire."

"Okay, where to start?" Sighed Sallem. "First of all, I don't just 'sell my best products to the highest bidder' as you so eloquently put it. I establish who would use it for a better purpose before I sell it to anyone... And I may just sell it to the highest bidder, regardless of any moral reasons if the price is right." He admitted sheepishly.

Yami just stared at him with a clearly disappointed glare.

"Ignoring that." Deadpanned Sallem. "Second, even if the 'threat' of The Deviluke Empire doesn't deter them, then the 'actual' Deviluke Empire itself will. They didn't get where they are now just by twiddling their thumbs on video games, after all. No, they got where they are today largely due to my products." He said with a cocky grin.

Yami just continued to stare at him like he was crazy.

"Again, ignoring that." Deadpanned Sallem again. "Third..." He paused.

"I'm gonna make you blow away your fear and set yourself free. That's the reason I came here." He answered, coolly bringing back up the topic she'd first brought up upon his arrival.

Yami just stared at him curiously for a few seconds, wondering what he meant by that. "Regardless of whatever you say, the fact remains that 'they' will forever chain me to this lifestyle."

"Shut up! People decide how to live their own lives. A scum bastard doesn't have the right to chain anyone down."

At those words, something startling clicked inside her head. "So this is why you gave me Black Cat." She observed, letting her cold exterior slip up for once.

"Yes." Remarked Sallem with a cocky grin. "Chapter 10 was all I really needed you to read, the rest was just to keep suspicion from being aroused, and because it's a good series. Hearing something profound once may not have much of an impact, but hearing it twice certainly does. Having a suit on certainly helps, but I didn't want to be too transparent about the whole thing."

"And what of Rurouni Kenshin?" She asked, observing the book that had lain forgotten in her hand until now.

"Ah ah ah, no spoilers." He wagged his index finger at her as if she were a misbehaving child, a fact that thoroughly irked her, though she didn't let it show. "In the meantime, I shall take my leave. TTFN!" He bid her adieu as he pulled out his remote and teleported out of there in a burst of confetti.

Staring at the space Sallem had once occupied, Yami waited several minutes, quietly debating her next move before doing anything else.

Quietly, without having come to any concrete decision, she returned to her book.

---

Present Time - With Rito, Sallem, and Celine

"You're on your own now Rito." Said Sallem as he casually dropped Rito on his butt.

"What are you talking about?" Rito asked as he rubbed his sore backside.

"I mean exactly what I say." Answered Sallem. "You're on your own, so you're on your own. I'm leaving, and you can go about whatever business you want."

Rito stared wide-eyed at Sallem. "You're just letting me go?" He asked astonished. "But what about the sights?"

"Rito, you should know by now that that was just an excuse to place you in the trap." Explained Sallem disapprovingly as he handed Celine over to him. "Honestly, you have got to be the third dumbest person I've ever met."

"Third dumbest?" Wondered Rito. "Then who are the first and second?"

"Some retarded, blond haired ninja with absolutely zero common sense who has absolutely no idea how to do his job properly, and a rubber pirate with an incredibly inventive style about him and who follows his job description much better than the retard ninja; in that order." Sallem answered. "In case you couldn't already tell, I favor pirates and hunt ninjas for sport." Rito stared at him wide-eyed. "Ninjas make great research subjects and guinea pigs for inhumane experiments." Explained Sallem as he teleported home in a puff of confetti.

Rito gulped. "Why does he always creep me out before he leaves?"

---

With Rito and Celine

"This is not how I planned to spend my night." Thought Rito as he walked down the streets with Celine cradled happily in his arms. "At least the music of all these street performers we keep seeing is nice, right Celine?"

"Mau!" Celine cheered happily as she wiggled her feet in time with whichever music was loudest at the time.

Rito had to admit that there were a great many people playing music on the streets tonight. They'd seen all kinds of instruments being played tonight, a few of which he didn't even know the name of, but they'd enjoyed them nonetheless. Rito wasn't even sure why they were still outside instead of heading home, but at least the night was nice.

Suddenly, the idle wiggling of Celine's feet gave way to her entire being squirming violently in Rito's arms.

"Oi, Celine! What's wrong?" Asked Rito worriedly.

"Mau! Mau! Mau! Mau! MAUUU!" She chanted as she finally wiggled out of Rito's arms and fled down the street.

"Wait! Celine! Come back!" Exclaimed Rito as he tried to chase her through the dense crowd, but since he was much bigger than her, he couldn't get through as well. "Celine! CELINE!" Rito panicked as he lost sight of her, his voice unheard through the hustle and bustle of the large crowd.