Life is like bad porn, it very rarely makes sense

"Did you ever find out what happened to the string?" Malik called over the shelf of DVD's to his companion on the other side.

"Nope, he just said it broke while he was making breakfast, that he must of tugged it or something," Bakura grunted, his fingers tracing the spines of various horror flicks. "He's clumsy at the best of times, so I wouldn't be surprised," he added as a quieter afterthought, his eyes roaming the many titles, mostly written in black, white, and red. He made a slight 'tsk' sound. All so cliché… and he was sure his host owned most of these by now anyway. "Find anything yet?" he asked.

"Nope not yet," Malik suddenly appeared on his side of the shelf. "You should invest in a chain for your ring, like the Pharaoh," he suggested in a tone that was clear he was baiting the spirit.

"I don't want to look like a bloody bondage slave," Bakura retorted, his temper nearing its end with these blasted DVD's. Was it too hard to put a little creativity into a slasher flick nowadays?

"Why not?" the blond was obviously no longer helping him look, his hands now stuffed in his pockets as he leant back, casually regarding the other with that same old amused smirk.

Bakura rolled his eyes. "Why don't I want to look like a bondage slave? Why would I?"

"Well, I always assumed that if you ever got your pasty ass into bed, it would involve all those whips and chains, that kind of thing."

Bakura stood up straight and stared at the other with a bemused expression. "What a bloody weird thing to assume, you freak."

"So… you're not?"

"No, I'm bloody not!" the white haired man snapped before turning and walking further up the aisle, towards the 18+ section of the horror flicks. Maybe these would be more promising. Malik just chuckled to himself and followed after the other. However, he focused on the shelf on the opposite side to the horror section.

The two continued their fruitless search for something decent to watch in silence before Malik piqued up again. "Found something." The hint of amusement was not lost on Bakura, who turned around despite himself to study Malik's choice of movie. He eyed the case and title for a moment before gazing back up at Malik with a raised eyebrow.

"Porn?"

"Not just porn!" Malik protested and pointed to the particularly busty woman on the cover. "She's a vampire!"

Bakura continued to stare at the tacky DVD case before plucking it from Malik's tanned hands, having every intention of beating the blond around the head with it, when a much better idea occurred to him. He took the DVD calmly and began to walk back up the aisle to the front of the shop.

Malik blinked and stared after Bakura's retreating figure. "Where are you going?"

"To buy your damned DVD."

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"Sexy vampire girls number 4," Malik read allowed from his seat on the sofa. "Dead Daisy and Tanya Von-bites-a-lot," he paused to chuckle slightly, " 'return in their final concluding series. Follow these hot busty vamps as they sit on their fair share of stakes'… Dear Lord." He stared in disbelief at the synopsis on the back of the case while Bakura put the DVD into the player, "Your host might have a heart attack when he finds this, you know that right? God, I hope I'm there to see it…"

Bakura chuckled slightly, making a mental note to leave it in the DVD player when they were finished, "True," he sat besides the blond on the sofa, kicking his feet up onto the coffee table and pressing play on the remote. "This may be one of your better ideas Malik. It should at least be good for a laugh,"

Malik chuckled, shifting into a more comfortable position, watching with unveiled amusement as the film started up.

As expected, it involved bountiful amounts of lame puns, plentiful amounts of sickly bright, red fake blood, and not to mention, and scene after scene of awful sex. Malik personally found it all absolutely hilarious. At points Bakura had to pause the DVD while Malik clutched at his sides and gasped for breath through his laughter. People honestly paid for the production of such travesties?
Malik's amusement of the equally fantastic and yet terrible film was only rivalled by the look of utter contempt or disgust on Bakura's face, which Malik subtly spied from the corner of his eye. He was honestly surprised that Bakura could look so offended by such a trivial, and what he considered hilarious, thing. He had previously thought there was little that could offend the mighty spirit of the Millennium Ring. Since living with him, Malik had discovered between the touchy subject of his host and now his apparent distaste of badly written porn, it was actually all too easy to rustle Bakura's feathers.

"Well, thank God that's over." Bakura turned the DVD off before the credits had time to roll on the scene. Despite the look of distaste Malik had spied throughout the film, Bakura had often laughed or taken a moment to quip in a sarcastic or criticising comment. So Malik got the distinct impression Bakura didn't want to admit his complete distaste for the film for whatever reason.

Before Malik had a chance to reply, Bakura was already up and off the couch, heading to the small kitchenette and rifling through the cupboard for something to eat. "There's hardly anything here; we need to send him shopping again," he mumbled idly.

Malik grinned and turned around on the sofa, laying his hands against the backrest and letting his chin rest on his forearms. "I thought it was fantastic." He turned the conversation quickly back towards the film. "I particularly liked the scene with Dead Daisy and the farm boy and the riding crop. Don't you agree—" He was cut off as Bakura slammed a cup onto the kitchen top a little harsher than necessary and started to pour himself a drink. Malik raised his eyebrow in curiosity, despite Bakura's obvious dislike for the topic, Malik carried on. "Or Von-bites-a-lot! Every scene with her was just golden~"

Bakura stared up at Malik, not yet replying. His hard eyes watched the blond with an oddly scrutinising look before he drank from his now full cup. When he finished, he placed the cup down and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, now wearing his characteristic smirk. "Oh Malik, I never realised just how perverse you are."

Malik blinked and sat up a little straighter. "Perverse? Hardly! I simply found the idea of the whole film completely absurd."

Bakura chuckled. "Surely. That certainly explains your drooling over the dark haired vampire woman."

Malik felt his left eye twitch in mild irritation. "I was not. She isn't even my type," he said in a short and cold manner, which only fuelled Bakura's own amusement.

"Oh? And what is your type Malik?"

Malik only took a moment to hesitate in his reply, for some reason his normal flow of biting remarks had suddenly gone dry, and it was only a moment Bakura needed to start laughing at his expense.

"What on earth are you laughing at?" Malik snapped. His good mood was now completely ruined.

"You of course," Bakura chuckled. "You're like an early adolescent. So under experienced. That tomb really must have been suffocating,"

"You're one to talk." For some reason, Malik had stood up now and walked until he was on the other side of the counter from Bakura, his hands planted firmly on his hips. "3000 years and you still don't know what you want," Malik's growing frown was suddenly replaced with his own smirk. "O-ho, I stand corrected. It's your little host isn't it?"

This time it was Bakura's turn to throw a glare in Malik's direction. If it hadn't been for the counter top between them, Malik was pretty sure that Bakura would have swung at him like he had the other day. "I honestly don't know where you've gotten this absurd impression that I am infatuated with my host."

"Oh, surely you do, Bakura~" Malik's smirk only continued to grow. "Tell me, have you ever touched yourself in front of a mirror?"

Bakura suddenly lurched over the counter to grab at Malik, but the blond quickly evaded the attack with a sudden step back. He laughed as Bakura seethed, gripping the counter tightly where he had failed to grab the Egyptian boy. He then pushed off the plastic surface and rounded the counter.

Malik's laughter died down, however the grin stayed on his face as he stepped back from Bakura. "Really you are so touchy~" he continued. "You won't let me in your—his—room, you won't let me touch him, or talk to him, or heaven forbid anything bad may happen to him!" He put his hand on his cheek, his face now a picture of mock concern for the host in question. "But quite rightly! He is such a fragile little cotton ball,"

Bakura growled before leaping forward and this time Malik wasn't so lucky. Bakura's fingers clutched at the thin material of Malik's top and the blond instinctively tried to pull away.

"Touchy, touchy!" He laughed despite now trying to push the other away.

"You are dead this time, tomb keeper!" the spirit growled, momentarily losing grip on Malik's shirt and giving him enough time to dart through the lounge. Malik briefly considered disappearing to his own room, waiting to see if Bakura would try and claw his way through the door with his own bare hands, but another much more appealing idea came to mind.

He reached the spirit and host's shared room in a moment flat, throwing the door open and darting inside. He took only a second to look around before Bakura was grabbing him from behind, his arms crossing over Malik's chest and then they were both falling forward, luckily onto the host's bed.

Malik was greeted with a mouthful of pillow, and he grunted in annoyance, trying to push Bakura off of him. "Your host isn't as light as he looks," he grunted. However, there was no reply from Bakura, no growls, no yelling, no nothing at all. Bakura remained on top of Malik, his arms wrapped tightly around the Egyptian boy, crushing the other between him and the mattress.

"…Um, hello? Bakura? If you're not going to attempt to beat the shit out of me, could you get off?" To his utter surprise, Bakura's arms unravelled around him, and his weight did lift slightly but not all the way. Malik could still feel the other's knees on either side of his own thighs, but he now had enough room to turn over onto his back, which he did.

He stared up at Bakura with a quirked eyebrow, and considered pushing the spirit off and leaving him to stir in his own anger, but there was something off about Bakura's expression. Malik took his time to read Bakura frequently; he was a particularly thrilling being, and Malik's time spent living with him meant he had witnessed and memorised every expression and prelude to aggravation that the spirit had. However… he'd never seen the spirit like this before.

"Earth to Bakura?"

"Would you shut up, for once?" Bakura's hand was suddenly cupping Malik's face Before Malik had time to acknowledge that first weird action, another followed soon after.

Bakura's lips pressed against Malik's in a none-to-gentle way and took advantage of Malik's slack jaw to push his tongue past his lips. The hand that wasn't cradling the side of Malik's face slipped underneath the blond and hoisted him up off the mattress until their chests were pushed tightly together.

Malik was one not often taken off guard and was never taken advantage of, so as quickly as the kiss begun his own tongue met Bakura's, ensuing a fight for dominance, his own hands wrapping around Bakura's waist. The battle never had a victor because just as the kiss was deepening Bakura let out a low groan and pulled away, his lips only a hairs breath from Malik's.

"I know exactly what I want," he said shortly and suddenly his arms were retreating and brushing away Malik's hands. The second weight on the bed lifted and the door shut behind Bakura's retreating form. It took another moment for Malik to sit up in the bed, staring at the now closed door. For once in his life, Malik was indeed rendered utterly speechless.

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A/N: you know you would all watch that porn movie.