This one took a while, but I've been so busy with Uni that I haven't had time. Do not despair, though, I am back now and I'm here to stay - hope you enjoy!
TW: suicide
The "why are you here?" question was getting harder and harder to sidestep each time it was asked, and by this point it had been asked a lot.
Rose had been completely open with her answer – there was really nothing mysterious about it. She had wandered home in her free period because she wanted to get some sleep before her long weekend working at the shop. Of course, getting detention meant that she had had to get her shift covered by someone else. Rose hated that shop. She would have blown it up if she thought she could get away with it.
Apart from her, there was no-one else who seemed inclined to give away what they had done that had landed them in a Saturday detention. Rose knew that she was being made an example of; a warning against skiving off school when you should be studying. Jack had attempted to fob them off with some ridiculous stories about his antics around the school, but Donna had called him out on it immediately. None of them had missed the look that Jack gave Donna after she turned her head away from him – it was as though he was thinking that being chastised by her was a privilege. Rose saw the Doctor and Martha exchange significant looks, and knew that they were thinking the exact same thing that she was. It seemed that Jack was deep in the process of falling for scowling, irritable, sarcastic Donna, no matter whether she returned his feelings or not.
The Doctor had skirted nimbly around the edge of the subject every time the conversation veered towards it – it seemed to be something that he was very skilled at, deflection.
As for Donna, she simply ignored any parts of the conversation that she did not find interesting or care about, choosing to sit huddled inside her big coat with her arms folded, glowering at the world. They were sitting in a loose circle on the upper level of the library, just at the top of the stairs, a couple of them sitting propped up against the railings and the rest leaning against the library shelves. Martha, Donna and Jack had gone to join Rose and the Doctor upstairs after a little while – partly for the conversation, but mostly because they were nosey as to just what was going on between the two of them. Apparently, as of this moment, not much. Just a few glances and smiles, as far as any of them could tell.
Martha was finally opening up – it turned out she'd been trying to study while being teased by a load of boys in the library, so she lost her temper and quickly dealt with a few of them. She hadn't actually hurt any of them – from her description it sounded as though they were simply in shock that she had it in her – but once word got out that she had started a fight in the library, that was that. "My parents were not pleased," she concluded, but there was a slight smile at the corner of her mouth, suggesting that she did not regret what she had done. Rose was impressed.
"So come on then, who's next?" Rose looked round at the rest of their company, who all remained silent. "Oh come on, me and Martha have both told you, what have you done that's so bad that you can't tell us?"
"She's right, you know," Martha added matter of factly. "I don't get what's such a big deal."
"Well you wouldn't, would you?" The Doctor sounded almost angry, and Rose turned towards him with shock evident on her face. "What you did was perfectly justified – it's a one time thing for you, you've got the moral high ground. What if we don't?" He gestured to himself, Jack and Donna, neither of whom gave any inclination that they agreed or disagreed with him. It was unclear whether or not Donna was even listening. "We don't have any obligation to tell you anything, and I'm not gonna be forced into bearing my soul to you lot just because this is an interesting experiment for you that you can have a good laugh to your friends about on Monday."
"Well it's not my fault," Martha retorted. "It's not like you have to be in here constantly, you could toe the line and obey the rules like the rest of us, it's not like anyone's forcing you to act like an idiot. It's not like anyone's forcing you to act like a complete arse right now, but here you are, doing it anyway." Rose opened her mouth to say something – she wasn't sure what it was going to be yet – but the Doctor was arguing right back in an instant, cutting off Martha's last few words in a stutter of indignation.
"Well I'm glad you're here to tell me this, I've seen the light, why didn't I think of it before?!" His voice rang with sarcasm – it echoed throughout the room as he threw his arms out in mock joy. "I'll just get started on not being such a loser right now then, shall I? Did it ever occur to you that I might not want to be like you? That if I had anyone around to push me to do better or to wish me luck or help me along like you so obviously do, that I might be a bit happier and less prone to idiocy? That if I didn't have stupid, narrow-minded, ignorant teachers like Saxon on my case all the time, I could be out of here by now? I could have a flipping degree by now if I'd been given the chance, but who's going to help me? No-one. 'Cause I'm a loser and a troublemaker and an idiot, and changing my ways now is slamming the stable door shut after the horse and bolted and been shot, so don't tell me what I should do, and don't tell me that I have to be open about what I did that put me in here, because if there's one thing I can do, it's talk about whatever I want I am not talking about that!"
The Doctor's voice sounded almost strangled by the end, and Rose had the horrible suspicion that he was holding back a sob. She waited for a second or two before gently placing her hand on his arm, light enough that he could throw it off if he wanted to. He didn't. He let her hold it for a second before grabbing her hand in his own, holding it tightly as he stared unseeingly at his knees. Martha was shocked but silent, clearly having stirred up something in the Doctor that was beyond her understanding.
A few seconds of silence followed, through which Rose felt the Doctor's hand slowly loosen on her own, and his breathing return to normal. She sighed with relief that he was OK, resting her head on his shoulder sleepily as though it were second nature. Approximately one second later her eyes shot open and she quickly lifted her head, pretending that she had not noticed Martha's eyes following her, and the smile that was planted firmly on her face.
"I just didn't want you all to know that I'm failing." Jack looked thoroughly miserable, staring unseeingly ahead of him without even bothering to check if the rest of them were listening. "Yeah, spent a lot of time pricking around doing stupid stuff, but unlike him," – he nodded his head stiffly towards the Doctor – "I don't have the genius brain to pass subjects without bothering to turn up to lessons. My dad found out about what I was doing, so he told the teachers that every time I missed a class they should put me in Saturday detention – said it would fix the little problem I have with 'throwing away my school career'."
"Being clever isn't all fun and games, you know."
Jack raised an eyebrow at the Doctor. "Yeah, but I bet it comes in handy. When was the last time you failed a test? It's not fun!"
"There are worse things," the Doctor muttered. Rose could sense that he was about to reveal something – the tension in the air was palpable, she could have cut it with a knife. The Doctor took a deep breath, closing his eyes and tensing his shoulders before beginning to speak, saying more in one minute than his gabbling had told them through the entire day.
"A long time ago – over a year ago, definitely – I broke onto the roof. No-one's supposed to go up there, but I managed it – you know me." He gave a small grin before his face fell back into a tight frown. "I was... I was planning to jump." The Doctor's hand felt so solid in Rose's, and she held onto it as though it might be ripped away from her at any moment, eyes riveted on his face as he falteringly told his story. "I didn't – well, obviously I didn't – but I just felt so... so alone, you know? I have no-one left, really no-one. My family all died when I was young, I lived with my Grandad Wilf, but then last year he... Well there was no-one, and everything seemed so pointless, the work was too easy to keep me occupied and I had no-one to talk to and I just... Eventually I talked myself down from there - kept looking at the people walking around the school and thinking that if they had something to stay alive for then surely I could find something in the entire world to stop me from wanting out. I left the roof, and since then I haven't thought about doing it again, not once, because I knew that I was going to find something to live for. Playing pranks and breaking rules is my way of coping, I guess, playing for time until I decide what I'm on this planet for. Anyway, that was all done with, finished, never speak of it. But they found the chain and padlock from the roof door in my locker. Shouldn't have kept it really, it's been there over a year and nothing's come of it, but there you go. They had proof it was me, slammed me in here, that was that. So there you go. That's me."
Rose had tears in her eyes as she watched him try and bring a smile to his face again. It took such a gargantuan effort, and when his eyes finally met hers she could see that the pain of the past was still there on the surface, consuming him for the moment before it passed and he would manage to bring himself back to the present. He glanced round at the others in the circle, swallowing a couple of times and clearing his throat.
"So, anyone got any other soul-bearing to do? I don't want to steal the show or anything." The casual question was clearly meant to sound cheerful, but there was no real feeling behind it.
"I didn't even do anything." All heads flicked to Donna, who had emerged from the hood of her coat where she had apparently been listening the entire time. "I didn't have to come here; I just didn't have anything better to do today."
Silence descended on the group. Silence, followed by immediate hysterical laughter.
No-one was sure if Donna was telling the truth of not, but it didn't occur to any of them to care. Martha was lying on her side and shaking with laughter; Jack threw his head back and whacked it on the railings, earning himself an extra loud peal of laughter from Donna, who pointed at him and continued to giggle almost silently. Rose and the Doctor were leaning against each other, each relying on the other to support them as they shook with bellows of laughter, hands still held firmly between them.
As the laughter began to ebb a little, Rose caught Donna's eye. Donna held her gaze for a moment, before giving her a wink and mouthing "it's doing him good," with a nod towards the Doctor. The Doctor had needed a laugh, and Donna had provided one. Rose glanced over at the Doctor's face and smiled – his eyes were still screwed shut and his face was completely open in the way that only happens when a person is laughing, so wrapped up in happiness that they are oblivious to anything else in the world. The laughter was definitely doing him good.