"Hi, Harvey! Hi, Brucie! Great seeing you both again!" exclaimed Harley Quinn, waving as they climbed inside the car. She was wrapped around Joker as if for dear life, clutching him in a choking embrace, which the Joker looked none too happy about.
"You brought the dame?" growled Two-Face.
"You try prying her off me!" retorted Joker. "It's a hostage situation, Harv! She's a cruel dame too - I can't even reach my champagne!" he said, struggling to reach forward and grab his glass.
Harley picked it up and handed it to him, stroking his hair. "If you think I'm about to let my puddin' go out partying with a bunch of single women around, you got another think coming," she said. "I ain't jealous – I'm just cautious. Plus I know how irresistible he is," she cooed, kissing him tenderly.
"Sorry, Bruce, do you know Harley Quinn?" asked Two-Face, gesturing at them. "And the Joker?"
"Yeah…I think we've met," stammered Bruce.
"I think I've threatened to kill you once or twice," said Joker, nodding. "Kinda awkward now. It was nothing personal, Brucie, just business. But there'll be nothing like that tonight!" he said, beaming. "No business, just pleasure, so there'll be no need to go all homicidal! As long as everyone does what I say, of course."
He sipped from the glass Harley held to his lips. "Harley, why don't you let me off the leash and pour the boys some champagne? There's no single women in this car, after all, and last I checked, Harvey wasn't interested," he chuckled. "Can't speak for Bruce, of course, but I hear he prefers dames."
"You single now, Brucie, or are you still dating Selina Kyle?" asked Harley as she poured two more glasses. "Last she told me, she dumped you for the Bat, but you may have reconciled."
"Yeah right! Like any dame in her right mind would pick Brucie over Batsy!" chuckled Joker. "No offense, Bruce, but if I were a dame, it would be no contest!"
He laughed. "Kinda wish Batsy could be here with us tonight too," he sighed wistfully. "But I'm sure he's busy kicking the crap outta one of the other freaks. And anyway, he couldn't resist kicking the crap outta me if we were in the same car together. Guy can't keep his hands off me!" he chuckled.
"Neither can I, Mr. J," purred Harley, wrapping her arms around his neck again.
"I am…single at the moment," agreed Bruce.
"Must be nice," muttered Joker, as Harley tightened her embrace.
Two-Face clapped Bruce on the back. "Don't worry, Bruce, we'll find ourselves a couple dames to take home tonight. Hopefully a couple dames each!" he laughed. "It'll be just like old times! Do you remember when I got thrown outta that club for punching the bouncer in the face?"
"Yes, and I had to use my influence to get him to drop the charges, or it would have ruined your campaign for DA," retorted Bruce. "He deserved it, though – sexually harassing your date, as I recall."
"Yeah, if I hadn't punched him, you would've," agreed Two-Face, grinning.
"Aw, you two had such a cute little bromance!" said Harley, smiling at them.
"Just like me and Batsy!" chuckled Joker.
"Yeah…but everything changed after the accident," muttered Two-Face, flipping his coin thoughtfully. "I'm not sure I should have let it. I mean, I know I had a lotta mental issues to sort out, but I shouldn't have alienated my friends when I needed them the most." He shrugged. "Oh well. I've sorted them now, and we can make up for lost time tonight, can't we, Bruce?" he said, clapping him on the back again.
Bruce stared at him, wondering how crazy Two-Face actually was if he thought he had sorted his mental issues now. He was also wondering where on earth they were going, and if he should try to make some excuse and get the hell out of this incredibly awkward situation, or keep an eye on the criminals. After all, with Two-Face, Joker, and Harley under his supervision like this, Gotham was probably safer than it had been in a long time.
The limousine pulled up in front of the Iceberg Lounge, Penguin's club for Gotham's social elite. "Evening, Pengers!" said Joker cheerfully as he strode into the room with his arm around Harley, followed by Two-Face and Bruce. "How's business?"
"Joker, how many times have I told you to enter through the back door?" demanded Penguin. "I can't have reputable people seeing you and knowing that I cater to criminals. So just take your…young lady, and Two-Face and…"
He saw Bruce Wayne and his cigarette holder fell from his lips. "Mr…Wayne!" he stammered. "I didn't realize you kept such distinguished company, Joker, dear friend," he said, smiling at him.
"Oh yeah, Brucie here and I are old pals, ain't we, Bruce?" said Joker, clapping him on the back and grinning.
"Erm…no, we've just met tonight," said Bruce. "Harvey's the one who invited me…"
"Of course, Mr. Dent, I should have known," said Penguin, smiling at him. "Much as I hate to hide a celebrity such as yourself from the public view, Mr. Wayne, it would not do for one of my clientele to report that I have dealings with the criminal element," he said. "If you'll come with me."
They followed Penguin to his office, where he removed a picture of an albatross off the wall to reveal a lever. He pulled this, and the bookcase on the opposite wall swung open to reveal a set of stairs. They went down these and arrived in another part of the lounge, a private bar for the less reputable of Penguin's clients.
"Well, look who it is!" chuckled Joker, going over to the bar where Poison Ivy sat chatting with an attractive man. "Fancy seeing you here, Pammie!"
"Beat it, clown," she growled, sliding closer to the man next to her on the barstool. "I'm busy."
Joker laughed. "Oooh, she's got her pheromones on tonight – I can smell 'em!" he giggled. "You're a lucky guy, pal, getting to plant your seed in that garden," he said, smiling at her companion. "I hear she keeps it well watered!"
"Will you get lost?" hissed Ivy.
"Aw, but I got someone I want ya to meet, Pammie," chuckled Joker.
"I'm not interested – busy, like I said, all right?" snapped Ivy.
"Ok, your loss," sighed Joker. "C'mon, Bruce, let's go…"
Ivy looked up suddenly. "Bruce?" she repeated. Her eyes fixed on Bruce and her mouth fell open.
"Thought you'd change your mind," chuckled Joker. "Bruce, this is Poison Ivy. Pammie, Bruce Wayne."
"Well, hell-o," murmured Ivy, shoving the man next to her away and standing up. "You can call me Ivy," she said, holding out her hand and smiling. "Or Pammie, if you prefer."
"Yes…erm…I think we met when you were…uh…dating Harvey," murmured Bruce, looking from one to the other.
"Biggest mistake of my life," muttered Two-Face, flipping his coin angrily as he glared at her.
"And the biggest mistake of my life was letting him live after I dumped him," replied Ivy, smiling. "Dating him was a small mistake by comparison. One of the many small things in our relationship," she added, grinning.
"Just shut your mouth, you little tramp!" shouted Two-Face. "I ain't about to let Bruce make the same mistake I did, so keep your filthy weeds offa him! C'mon, Bruce," he muttered, leading him toward a table. "J, buy us a couple rounds, will ya?"
"You take my advice and stay away from her, Bruce," muttered Two-Face, lighting a cigar as they sat down. "She's a heartless, evil, little bitch who plays with guys' hearts and dumps 'em because she thinks it's fun."
"Aw, c'mon, Harvey, you don't hate each other that much really," said Harley, coming over to join them. "Why, only a couple weeks ago I heard you guys together in the janitor's closet, and you were saying she was the hottest little piece of ass you'd ever…"
"Just shut up, Harley!" shouted Two-Face. "That was a mistake, all right?"
"Oh, sorry, Harvey," said Harley, sincerely. She looked confused. "Was it a mistake the time a couple weeks before that too…"
"Go help your boyfriend with the drinks!" interrupted Two-Face furiously as he threw the ashtray at her.
Harley hurried off to the bar. Bruce stared at Two-Face. "So you and she are…"
"No," interrupted Two-Face, smoking angrily. "No, it's over, and I mean it this time. The little bitch ain't ever gonna tempt me again."
"Why would I want you, Harvey, when your friend is richer, handsomer, and probably better endowed, from what I've heard?" asked Ivy, suddenly pulling up a chair next to Bruce. She smiled. "He's just jealous because he knows I was way outta his league. But I think you and me, Brucie, are batting at the same level."
"What's all this about Bats?" chuckled Joker, as he and Harley came over with drinks for everyone.
"I was talking about me being outta Harvey's league, J, but in Bruce's," retorted Ivy, dryly. "Though I know you always have Bats on the brain."
"Guilty as charged," chuckled Joker. "Here's to him!" he said, raising his glass. "Real shame he couldn't be here tonight. What poor sap do ya think he's dragging back to Arkham as we speak?"
"I don't think he is out tonight," retorted Ivy. "I think he's spending a quiet night in with his little boyfriend. Him and Robin probably deserve a little private time, after all."
"I hope he's taking a night off anyway," growled Two-Face. "Wouldn't kill the guy to relax every so often. Mind you, he's probably got a stick so far up his ass that he'd choke on it if he ever sat down. You heard about this Batman guy, Bruce?"
"Uh…yeah…" stammered Bruce. It was an incredibly uncomfortable situation for him.
"Of course he's heard of Bats, Harvey!" chuckled Joker. "He's all over the papers and the TV! Probably as much of a celebrity as you are, eh, Brucie? I don't imagine you like the competition!" he laughed.
"He's a self-righteous, interfering busybody who deserves to be shot in the face," growled Two-Face. "Where does he get the authority to beat the crap outta people the way he does? Who made him the Lord God Almighty to regulate justice in this town? The reason we got police and courts is because we know that no one man knows what's right for everyone. If Bats ran the world, he'd probably appoint himself dictator-for-life, and then go about getting rid of anyone who didn't agree with his self-appointed brand of justice."
"Hey, he's a good joke, Harvey, you gotta give him that," said Joker. "Always so brooding and serious, thinking he's so different from the rest of us, so morally superior. It makes me laugh just thinking about it!" he chuckled.
"He's not funny," snapped Ivy. "He does real harm, and he just can't see it, because he's a fanatic."
"Gotta love him, though," replied Joker. "What would any of us do without him? I know I'd be real bored without old Batsy to put a smile on my face."
"What do you think of Batman, Bruce?" asked Harley. Everyone turned to look at him.
"Uh…I think he…uh…" stammered Bruce. He honestly had no idea how to respond to this. If he praised Batman, he might anger them. But if he insulted him, he wasn't sure the same thing wouldn't happen, at least from Joker.
"Excuse me," he said suddenly, standing up and heading for the bathroom. He leaned over one of the sinks, staring at the mirror. He needed to think of an excuse, and fast. This situation was more awkward and uncomfortable than he ever could have imagined. None of those people out there were stupid – if he suddenly slipped up even a little, they might discover his secret. He couldn't let that happen.
"Bruce? You ok?" asked Two-Face, entering the bathroom.
"Yeah…feeling a little sick, actually, Harvey," said Bruce.
"After one drink?" said Two-Face, grinning. "You have turned into a lightweight without me."
Bruce couldn't help smiling back. "Look, the guys are getting kinda bored, so we're thinking we'll move on," he said. "Don't wanna trash a nice place like this anyway, and the night's young. We need to go someplace less reputable to have some real fun. You coming?"
Bruce looked at him. He could only imagine what Two-Face meant by "real fun" – probably something that involved hurting people. That was certainly real fun to the Joker. If he left them and people got hurt later, he would never forgive himself. Bruce realized with a sinking heart that he was going to be forced to stay until the end of the night. He didn't have a choice. He might as well make the best of it.
He forced a smile and clapped Two-Face on the back. "Wouldn't miss it for the world, Harvey."