"Bruce and I used to come here all the time in the good old days," said Two-Face, smiling at Bruce as they went up the steps to the Half-Moon Club. "Most fun we ever had, eh, Bruce?"
"Let's hope it hasn't changed," agreed Bruce as he, Two-Face, Joker, Harley, and Ivy entered the double doors of the club.
"Looks the same!" shouted Two-Face over the noise.
"And sounds the same!" agreed Bruce with a smile.
"Was it always a gay bar?" asked Joker.
"What the hell are you talking about?" growled Two-Face, rounding on him furiously. "Why would Bruce and I go to a gay bar?!"
"I dunno, but that's clearly what this place is!" shouted Joker.
Two-Face turned back to see that everyone in it appeared to be men. He and Bruce shared a look and then headed out the doors as everyone followed them.
"Used to go there all the time, huh, Harvey?" giggled Joker. "Something you wanna share?"
"Shut up, clown," growled Two-Face.
"I can see why things didn't work out between you and Harvey, Pammie – guess you were missing some of the parts he likes," chuckled Joker.
"I said shut up, clown," growled Two-Face.
"Or maybe you swing both ways, Harvey, and you just flip a coin to decide which gender turns you on tonight…"
"I said shut up!" shouted Two-Face, punching Joker in the face. Harley immediately leapt to his defense, punching Two-Face back. The fight would have escalated if Bruce hadn't stepped in between them.
"I don't wanna have to deal with any fighting tonight, all right?" he demanded. "I'm…uh…not comfortable with casual violence. Let's just all calm down."
"Oh, Bruce, I do love a forceful man," sighed Ivy, gazing at him adoringly.
"Wouldn't get your hopes up if I were you, Pammie," chuckled Joker.
Bruce glared at him and then strode off. "Let's try over here," he said, nodding down the road at another club. "The Red Queen," he read.
"Oh, c'mon, Bruce, with a name like that, it's obviously another gay bar!" snapped Joker.
A group of incredibly attractive, scantily-clad woman suddenly left the club, talking and laughing. "Ok, maybe not," said Joker, gazing after them. Harley turned his face back to her angrily.
"Let's go," said Bruce, entering the club with the others following.
Loud music was playing with a pounding beat as strobe lights illuminated the dance floor. Surrounding the floor were circular booths raised on a level above, so that people sitting enjoying their drinks could watch the people dancing below. People of both genders, much to Bruce's relief. He couldn't very well preserve his reputation as a playboy billionaire if he was seen in a gay bar. And if people ever found out he was Batman, it would definitely confirm their worst suspicions if he was seen at one with the Joker.
They headed for one of the booths. "Aw, crap, guys, looks like it is another gay bar after all!" sighed Joker. "Look, there's the most pathetic couple in Gotham!"
They looked where he was pointing to see Jonathan Crane and Jervis Tetch staring at them in astonishment. "What are you two doing here of all places?" asked Two-Face as the group came over to them.
"What?" shouted Tetch over the noise.
"I said what are you two doing here?" yelled Two-Face.
"We thought we'd go somewhere for a quiet drink after the theatre!" shouted Crane. "Wishful thinking! Jervis thought the name looked promising, but we were just about to leave as they don't serve tea!"
"Jesus Christ, you're a pair of lamewads!" laughed Joker.
"What did he call us?" shouted Tetch.
"I have absolutely no idea!" shouted back Crane. "But I can't imagine anything complimentary!"
Tetch suddenly noticed Bruce and his eyes widened. "Mr…Mr…Wayne!" he exclaimed. "How do you do?" he said, tipping his hat. "Well, must be going, don't want to be late for our very important date! Come along, Jonathan!"
Tetch rushed from the club with Crane following him. "Ex-employee," explained Bruce. "Had to fire him after he tried to kidnap his secretary. Awkward."
They sat down and Two-Face left them to get drinks. An instant later Harley leapt to her feet as the song switched. She squealed happily and clapped her hands. "Aw, I love this song! Wanna dance, Mr. J?"
"Nope," he said, leaning back and lighting a cigar.
"Aw, c'mon, puddin', it'll be fun," she said.
"Don't presume to tell me what's fun, you useless brat!" he shouted. "You go if you wanna, but I ain't moving!"
Harley shrugged and rushed down to the dance floor.
"Better keep an eye on her, J," said Ivy. "Attractive gal all alone in a place like this – some guy might try to pick her up."
"Good luck to 'em," he retorted, puffing on his cigar. "This is the first time I've got to breathe all night."
His eyes suddenly narrowed as he watched Harley. "What the hell is she doing?" he demanded.
"Dancing," retorted Ivy.
"That ain't dancing!" shouted Joker. "Dancing's got more grace and style! That's just…jiggling!"
"That's modern dancing, J!" shouted Ivy. "Get with the times, grandpa!"
"I don't like it!" he snapped. "It's provocative! Guys are gonna get the wrong impression…there, y'see?" he shouted, standing up suddenly as a man started dancing near Harley. "Right, I'm stopping this now," he growled, slamming down the cigar and rushing over to her. He grabbed Harley's wrist and tried to drag her off the dance floor, but she fought against him.
"But I wanna dance, Mr. J!" she cried.
"You ain't dancing like that anymore, you dumb floozy!" he shouted. "You think I want guys to think my dame is a loose woman?"
"Well, why don't you dance with me then, so they know I'm attached?" she demanded.
"Because I don't wanna!"
"Well, I wanna dance!"
"You do what I tell you, you little brat!"
She slapped him hard, and he punched her in return, knocking her back against the DJ's desk. The music suddenly stopped as all eyes fixed on Harley, who struggled slowly to her feet. "All right, Mr. J," she hissed. "You asked for it!"
She ran and jumped at him. He caught her in his arms, and she shoved her mouth into his, kissing him furiously. "Brucie, we'll be in the limo!" gasped Joker, racing out of the club with Harley in his arms.
Everyone gazed after them in puzzlement, and then the music started again. "Guess it's just us, since Harvey's taking his time at the bar," said Ivy, smiling at Bruce. Another song came on, Bad Boys, and Ivy grinned at Bruce. "Are you bad boy, Brucie?" she asked, sliding a hand up his arm.
"Um…well…I…"
"I think you are," she whispered. "A girl can always tell. And I can tell you got a dark secret to hide. Everyone does, you know. Tell me what yours is, Bruce," she murmured, leaning forward.
"Miss…um…Ivy…I don't think…" began Bruce, but Ivy cut him off with a kiss. She drew away slowly, puzzled.
"I haven't…kissed you before, have I?" she asked.
"Not that…I remember," stammered Bruce.
"You just…taste familiar, that's all," she murmured, looking at him strangely. "I'm almost positive I recognize…"
"I told you to keep your weeds off Bruce!" said Two-Face, slamming the drinks down in front of them suddenly.
"Jealous, Harvey?" demanded Ivy.
"Why would I be jealous of a cheap little tramp like you?" he demanded. "Why doncha go pick up some other guy and leave us alone? You ain't getting him to yourself anymore tonight!"
Ivy smiled and stood up slowly. "I'll see you soon, Bruce. Harvey."
She strolled onto the dance floor just as Joker re-entered the club, clothing and hair disheveled. "Sorry to rush out, boys, but there's nothing like a little punch up to put us both in the mood!" chuckled Joker.
"Where's Harley?" asked Two-Face.
"Um…she's gonna stay in the limo for a while…said she was too sore to move," he said, grinning. "What can I say? I'm a big guy and I like it rough!"
Bruce shuddered, reaching for his drink. There were some things he just never wanted to know about the Joker, and that was one of them.
Joker sat back down and they all three drank in silence for a while. "So is this kinda your nightly routine, Brucie?" he asked, smiling at him. "Drinking, dancing, going from club to club? Sounds kinda boring to me."
"Erm…no. My nightly routine is…slightly different," said Bruce.
"I kinda pity you, really," continued Joker. "I mean, you inherited money, and you live a charmed life, the life of a king. Got wealth, popularity, all the dames at your fingertips. Got everything you could possibly want. So where's the challenge? What's the point of your life, Brucie, if you ain't got no challenge? Doesn't it depress you, this never-ending series of pleasure, one after the other? Don't you crave a little pain and suffering?"
"I'm not a masochist, so no," retorted Bruce.
"You know what I mean," said Joker. "Even pleasure can get boring after a while if you ain't got anything to break up the monotony. If you're having fun all the time, what do you do for fun?"
"What do I do for fun?" repeated Bruce. "Well, I…"
"J, don't criticize Bruce," snapped Two-Face. "He's a great guy. I know what you think of society people, and hell, people in general, really, but Bruce isn't like them. He's not shallow and self-absorbed. He tries to do the right thing by everyone. And he's a good friend. One of the best I've ever had. Never met a more loyal man than you, Bruce. You never give up on me."
"That's real touching, Harv," said Joker, nodding as he drank. "So Brucie's purpose is to be nice, is it?"
"I think my purpose, along with every decent person's, is to do good where I can, and try not to do any harm," replied Bruce.
"Where's the fun in that?" chuckled Joker. "All the best things in life are harmful. Alcohol, cigars, dames, candy, and in my case, pain, mutilation, explosions, death of a long and lingering nature. But yeah, all harmful. It's not about not doing harm, Brucie, it's about being able to take harm, and give as good as you get."
He held up his glass. "Take this scotch, for instance. I could not drink it and not risk a hangover, plus long-term liver damage, but that wouldn't be very fun. In order to have fun, I gotta drink it, so I gotta risk the harm. That's why it's fun, because it's potentially harmful. And if you can spread that harm to others, that's even better. If, say, it wasn't just me damaging my liver and risking a hangover, but spreading that onto you as well…that'd be even more fun, wouldn't it? Drinking with other people is always more fun than drinking alone. And if you wanna make it real fun, you make it a competition! I can drink more than you, I can do more harm than you can! It's a fun game because it's gonna hurt in the morning! And that's all you can ask for outta life, really – to enjoy yourself and to wake up with the memory of how much you enjoyed yourself later. Although perhaps not all of your memories, depending on how much you drink," he chuckled.
Bruce sipped his drink calmly but said nothing.
"Did you just challenge us to a drinking contest?" Two-Face asked suddenly.
Joker grinned, downing his glass. "Think you're man enough to take me, Harv?"
Two-Face looked at Bruce, grinning. "What do you think, Bruce?"
Bruce smiled. If Joker and Two-Face were under the table, they definitely couldn't cause any trouble. "You won't win, Joker," he murmured.
Joker looked at him for a moment strangely, and then chuckled, reaching for another glass. "I'll wipe the floor with you, Rich Boy."
"Bring it on," said Two-Face.
Bruce smiled to himself as he reached for his glass. It looked like he was going to beat Joker tonight after all.