Sleepless in Manhattan – Chapter 2
Castle shook his head, trying to get it together at the look on Alexis's face. Which then made Alexis tear up because of course his eyes looked suddenly hopeful. Of course, when he saw her holding the phone to her ear, looking wary, and unsure, he thought it was Kate on the line. Now, if his head were the one in charge, he'd have realized it was unlikely that Kate would be calling up at the loft, rather than on his cell. He'd have realized that Alexis wouldn't look this worried - although, he wasn't so sure anymore after she'd expressed her concerns about him working with Kate.
But in his grieving state he didn't realize all of that. And if her sad doe-eyes got to him, naturally she had inherited them from him. His probably looked a whole lot more pathetic, given his current state of emotion.
Taking in her almost-tears, he willed himself to be a good father and steeled himself to whatever it was that seemed to have distressed her so greatly. He pointedly eyed the phone that was still clearly on.
"Please don't be mad, daddy."
He blinked. It was almost never a good thing when her sentences started like that, or when 'dad turned into 'daddy'. Clearing his throat, he prayed for strength and tried to smile. It probably came out a grimace, but hey, he was trying. In what he hoped was a calm and soothing voice, he asked her, "What's wrong, Pumpkin?"
Using the moniker was probably a good, albeit unintentional move because she suddenly looked less hesitant. It struck him a little painfully that she felt hesitant at all. Raising his arm, he beckoned her close and gave her a one armed hug.
"You won't be mad?" she asked in a quiet voice that was a strange mixture of naive and mature.
He should have said he would try not to be. That he would first hear what she had to say. Listen to her side of the story. Instead he shook his head mutely. He didn't have the energy to be mad. Especially not at his kind-hearted daughter who had been putting up with him lately.
Alexis answered with a beaming smile, thrust the phone into his other hand, smacked a kiss to his cheek, and high-tailed it out of his office, leaving a thoroughly gob-smacked Castle in her wake.
"Hello?" said the deep voice in his right palm.
Castle looked down at the phone, just remembering that it was there at all. Warily he lifted it to his ear, and answered. "Hello?"
"Your daughter called up the station to help you."
"The police station?"
"No, the radio station. I'm Dr. Susan Williams, and you're live on our late night show."
Well, that explained Alexis' earlier actions. Should he be upset? He was just confused at the moment.
"Hello?"
"Uh, yeah. Look, I think there's been a mistake."
"It's not a mistake that your daughter is worried about you, and scared for you."
Castle drew a breath. Oh God. He was a terrible father. "She said that?" he managed to choke out.
"She did," said the voice. Dr. Susan. He could almost imagine her nodding as she did.
"I didn't mean to upset her. I'll talk to her about it."
"Do you know why she's upset?"
"Yeah," he sighed. "She doesn't want me to get hurt."
"She doesn't want you to be hurt. She wants her dad back."
"I should talk to her."
"Would it hurt so much to talk to us?"
"Oh no. I often go airing my dirty laundry in public," he said, feeling oddly good about being sarcastic. Good that he was anything besides sad. Which was a little sad.
"We don't know who you are. To us, you're just another sleepless guy calling in from Manhattan."
"What, like Sleepless in Seattle? My life is not a rom-com."
Dr. Susan chuckled. "She did say you're funny. Or you were before."
"She told you what happened?" He whispered, closing his eyes.
"No. But she told us something happened and it made you different."
"She doesn't understand. You wouldn't understand."
"I may not. But you'd get it out of your system. And maybe then, you'll understand."
He considered her words in silence. He'd never get Kate out of his system. But this feeling of dread? Of desperation and longing? Maybe. Maybe.
"What do you say, Sleepless in Manhattan?"
He sighed in resignation. "You can call me Rick."
"Okay, Rick."
"I don't know what to say. Where should I start?"
"I often find it easiest to start at the beginning. Helps weave the story together."
Castle choked out a laugh. "Yeah. Yeah, that's usually a good idea."
"So, where does it begin?"
His deep, loud breath echoed through the phone.
"This particular story? It begins with a girl."
"Doesn't it always?" said Dr. Susan in a flat voice that made him chuckle again.
"Always," he breathed.
"Always," the voice on the radio crackled.
Kate was exhibiting a level of control she didn't even know she possessed. If it weren't for her needing to hear his every word, his every breath; she'd be a writhing mess by now. But the tears were flowing freely down the sharpened angles of her cheeks. A quiet cry, out of sync with her stuttering heart. She didn't even know if she was still breathing. She could feel the dull edges of pain that usually were sharp swords picking at her every cell. So she wasn't numb with pain. No.
With a voice, no louder than the swaying tree outside her house, she whispered into the lonely air, the words that would go unheard. "Always."
"Tell me about her."
"Oh," he breathed. "I could write a dozen novels about her and words would still be inadequate."
Kate smiled in spite of her tears. Had to bite down on her lip to squelch the laughter. His baritone voice broke the impenetrable barrier she had built in month since her recovery. What was her measly shield against the strong forces of a battle-ready Castle? She had the sudden urge to swing her arms into the air and twirl like a weight had been lifted. It hadn't. Had it?
"She's beautiful. The most beautiful woman I have ever seen. When she smiles - all I want is to capture those moments and then give them back to her when she's sad. She's beautiful even when she's sad. But when she smiles? Yeah, that's magic."
"Rick, that's beautiful."
"And she's kind of mean," he said.
Kate could tell he was kidding. She could hear his pout. Her brow still scrunched up in confusion.
"Mean how?" Dr. Susan asked.
Kate held her breath for the answer. Had she really been mean to him? Well, she knew she had. But it was always in jest, or in the heat of the moment. He knew that.
"She tells me off when I stare at her. Calls me creepy. That's just unfair."
Kate huffed out a laugh, her finally dry eyes tearing up again.
Dr. Susan laughed too. "That is a little creepy."
"Eh. I can't help it. She's gorgeous. What's a guy to do?"
"Oh, poor you."
"I know, right?"
"What else?"
Castle got up from his chair, and settled onto the couch, his head pillowed on his arm as he stared unseeingly at the ceiling.
"She's crazy smart most of the time. She's so intelligent, she could be anything she wants to be. She's so good at her job. She's well-read; into arts and sports. And she's totally a closet nerd. I mean – she knows her comics. Tell me she isn't the perfect woman."
Kate rolled her eyes.
"I see how those are important things to know."
Castle laughed. "She's so good at reading people. I don't know how she does it. She can spot a lie and a liar from a mile. And she knows, instinctively, when someone is being sincere. I have to put on my best poker face with her.
"So you lie to her often?"
"No. I've lied to her before if I thought it would be in her best interests."
Therein lay the problem. He had no right.
"And you think you can decide what's in her best interests?"
He paused at that. "I don't know. I'd like to think so. She deserves to be happy. I guess I don't have the right to decide. But I have the right to care."
Then there's that. What's a girl to do? Kate sniffed.
"Well, Rick. On that note, I'm afraid we've run out of time today. Do you feel any better?"
He did. He'd felt lighter than he had in days. Days of not talking to her had also become days of not talking about her. It had hurt to keep thinking about her at every moment, let alone talk about it. He felt the anger ebb. The wave of resentment that had crept closer with each passing day had just receded a bit.
"Yes. Thank you?"
"Thank your daughter."
Castle smiled. "She's always been smarter than her old man."
"And – how about we talk more tomorrow?"
"Um." Did he want to? Yes, it had helped to talk about her. It was good free therapy. But more? "I don't know –" he said uncertainly.
"Remember, if it helps you, it helps your daughter."
That was a low blow. "Okay, should I call or…?"
"Don't worry. Your daughter gave us the number when she called in. I'll call you tomorrow, a little earlier so we can talk more."
"Yay." His flat reply seemed to have fallen on deaf ears.
"Thank you all for tuning into the late show with Dr. Susan. We'll continue this segment going into tomorrow's episode of Sleepless in Manhattan."
Kate turned off her radio. She'd had her fill. She had been missing Castle and she wanted to hear his voice, right? Now she had. And that was enough. It was. She wouldn't tune in tomorrow because she didn't need to. She knew what he was probably going to say. He'd extol her virtues to the world. Maybe give away her identity. Her life would be ruined and she'd hate him. Or maybe he'd reveal that he had learned to hate her by the end of the story. Maybe that's what she deserved.
Even as the dark thoughts tried to permeate her mind, the light that broke through the smoky haze drove them away.
Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate. Stay with me.
Was it better not to know? She was resigned to the fact that she had a target on her back. She'd live with it. She'd fight back. But everyone else? Everyone she cared about? They were all better off with her being far away. Safer too. Right?
Then why – why did she feel safer today, for the first time in a month?
A/N: Thank you, for the empathy and sympathy on it-that-should-not-be-named. Thank you, fembot, for all your help on this.
Hope you enjoyed this. Cheers!