Sleepless in Manhattan – Chapter 4

"She loves coffee."

"Who doesn't love coffee?" Dr. Susan asked.

Castle laughed. "Valid point. But she's addicted to the stuff." He did realize that he was often the one fuelling her addiction. It was their thing. Their greeting; their morning call. Their unspoken caresses, and hugs, and kisses. The only way to communicate love without communicating at all. It was his way of saying, 'Good morning, my heart.'

"And I'm addicted to watching her smile as I put a fresh cup in front of her," he said softly, closing his lids against the sudden heaviness of his eyes. He missed her so much.

"She got used to having you around. Did you ever feel like she took you for granted?"

Did he? There were times when he did. Times like when he got sidelined once Demming entered the picture. When he tried to come to terms with the fact that Kate would never feel for him the way she did for Demming; the male version of herself. Demming was a handsome, kind, and good cop. He didn't have two ex-wives. He didn't have a public life. He didn't have a playboy image. At the time, Castle thought Demming had Kate. And so Castle had tried to bow out gracefully. For what felt like the first time in his life, he did something that he thought was selfless, for someone other than his daughter or his mother.

It wasn't completely altruistic. He was protecting his heart. The last time he had let true feeling take over his soul, before Kate, was Kyra. After that he'd resorted to the Merediths and Ginas of the world. It wasn't that he didn't love them. He did, but not quite entirely. He loved Kate entirely. With every sad little cell in his body.

He had been right and he had been wrong. On returning from the summer at the Hamptons, he realized a few things. He realized that Kate wasn't a thing to be had. She wasn't a possession, but she certainly was a treasure. He realized that Demming hadn't been enough.

Castle had made a mistake. The same mistake he made with Kyra. It sliced through him like a machete through tape. He should have stayed. He should have fought. He should have. But he didn't. He was too late. And then there was Josh.

"Rick?"

"No, I don't think she took me for granted. I think she didn't take me seriously. I didn't give her enough opportunity to."

"You played the role of joker."

"I played many roles. The part of me I intended for her to see got lost in translation."

"Did you intend for her to see it?"

"I-" He didn't know the answer to that. "Not initially, I don't think so. But she caught glimpses of it. She saw the potential, I guess. Eventually I stopped being so guarded with her."

"Just as she did with you?"

"No. I don't think it was quite as simple for her. The times that I saw her, were times that she was vulnerable. When she didn't have strength to keep her guard up. Times when I found barely-there gaps in her walls."

"She wasn't open with you?"

"She wasn't open with anyone. But she didn't try very hard to shove back when I pushed. The latter worked in my favor."

"Pushing?"

"Being there to push. Being there to make a stand with her."

Kate sucked in a breath.

"Wow, what happened to the two of you?"

"I wish I knew," Castle said with a shaky voice.

Kate wished she knew, too.

When had things gotten so complicated, and why? The latter wasn't a very difficult question. She felt responsible for it for the most part. He was right. She was overly guarded. But he hadn't started out how he is now. He'd grown up. It was like a miraculous transformation from smug, playboy, doesn't give a damn, asshole-Castle, into this gem of a man. The transformation wasn't triggered by her shooting. She had seen the change blossoming in him slowly. But until now, she was unaware of the depth of it. Or maybe she was aware after the bomb scare. Or after he had tried to will his body heat to her as their bodies threatened to turn to brittle crystal. Or after he risked his life to stand by her and saved New York by sheer dumb-luck and a tremendous amount of courage she wouldn't have expected of him. That's when she became aware. Now, it was obvious. Now Kate accepted it. Felt it and knew it from every fiber of her being.

Dr. Susan's words interrupted her train of thought. "Rick, we have a caller on the line for you."

Kate heard his sudden indrawn breath, and her heart stung for him because she knew he hoped it was her.

"Caller, you're on the air," Dr. Susan said.

"Hi, Dr. Susan, I love your show. I'm a long time listener"

"Thank you. We're glad you're tuning in."

"Hi, Rick. I'm Mindy. I think your story is incredibly romantic. The way you speak about her gives us an idea of what kind of a man you are." Mindy purred. Kate knew it was the sort of thing Castle was used to. It was the sort of thing she had learned to expect from women fawning for Castle. "It sounds like you two have been through so much. It's not just what you're saying, but how you're saying it."

"Thank you," Castle said awkwardly. His voice was unable to mask his disappointment; though Kate didn't think that many would notice. Why would they? They didn't know him.

Mindy's annoying bedroom voice continued through the box. "It's sad that you two aren't together." Kate could imagine a Cheshire grin on her face. Don't sound disappointed or anything, Mindy.

"It's complicated," Castle replied.

"Why? What's her name?"

It seemed like the air left Castle's lung, swam through the microphone and wires and what-not before it came through the radio and shot straight through her body. It felt so powerful, like it was a physical blow, it had her leaning back. "Kate," he whispered.

"Kate…?"

He cleared his throat. "Just Kate. She's – her name is Kate."

"Rick and Kate," Mindy tested.

Kate rolled her eyes, wondering if she was imagining the resentment in Mindy's voice when she said Kate's name.

"She'd wonder why my name comes first," Castle said, sounding falsely amused. Like he was trying to lighten things up.

"Well, if I had a guy talk about me the way you do about her, I'd be working on putting the names together."

"Uh. Okay?" he replied even more awkwardly, so that Kate had to suppress a laugh.

"You know, it makes me sad to hear how sad you are. You deserve to be with someone less complicated."

Subtle.

"Uhuh."

"I'm sure you could find someone who could make you," Mindy paused for dramatic effect, "really happy."

The bitch. Trying to seduce him on the radio show. Taking advantage of his vulnerable state. How dare she? Kate was seething. Didn't Mindy see that Rick – Castle wasn't interested? That he was put off by this plastic pod person?

"Mindy, thank you," he said decidedly.

"So you agree that you need someone less complicated?" Mindy asked hopefully. As if.

"No. Look, thanks for the advice; it's nice of you," Castle started. Kate snorted so loudly she almost scared herself. "But I'm not here to look for a consolation prize. I'm not here to move on. I don't think I could if I tried. I'm here so I can come to terms with some things. So that I can be better for my daughter. Hopefully so that I can be whole again. To love wholly."

To love her wholly. He didn't need to clarify that.

"Mm. Kate's a lucky girl," Mindy drawled.

"Thank you for calling, Mindy," Dr. Susan said as she cut the call.

"She's more 'vampire romance' than 'whodunit'," Castle pondered aloud.

"Huh?"

"Nothing, never mind," he mumbled.

Kate bit back a smile.

"So, Kate," said Dr. Susan, clearly hoping for me.

"That's all you need to know," he said knowingly.

"Okay. At least we can ease up on the pronouns."

Castle laughed heartily for the first time today. It made her smile, as she stroked her thumb over her scar. She hadn't even realized until then that her hand was back on her chest again. Always on guard.

"And on that happy note, we conclude today's episode of Sleepless on Manhattan, on the late show. Tune in for more tomorrow to know the rest of the enthralling story."

The show went into its closing music but Rick was still on the line, sobering up from his laughter. He wasn't entirely sure whether the tears in his eyes were from laughter or misery.

"Rick, are you still on the line?"

"Yeah, I'm here."

"I'd like to thank you for being a good sport about this, and I do really think it'll help you to let it all out." Dr. Susan's voice had a note of understanding in it that Rick thought must be the reason that so many people must open up to her.

"I'm willing to try anything at this point."

"Now, there's another thing we'd like to address."

"Should I be worried?"

"Oh no. Not particularly worrying. You've been getting fan mail."

Well, yeah. He's been getting fan mail for years now. This wasn't news.

"Um, okay."

"So where should we send it?"

"Oh." He blinked. Oh! "You've been getting fan mail, for me, at the station?"

"Yes." she said slowly as if Castle were being thick.

"I'll have someone pick it up from your offices tomorrow," he said quickly.

"Oh, we could have it sent over."

"I don't really want to divulge my identity," Castle said frankly.

"Ah," Dr. Susan said. It was one syllable but it was laced much too strongly with understanding than he was comfortable with. "We'll have someone keep it ready. It's not like an imposter will go through the trouble of piles of fan mail, but maybe give us a ring once he gets here."

Piles? "Just how much is there?"

"There's some. You seem to have attracted a few believers of romance."

Castle snorted. "Like Mindy."

"We have a wider reach than you'd imagine. A mixed audience. You may be surprised."

If only Dr. Susan knew. Come to think of it, she might have guessed. Castle suspected she was a smart woman. She'd know then that he was used to fans. Not much there to surprise him. But then – fan mail was how it all started, wasn't it? Flowers For Your Grave, and In A Hail Of Bullets which ended up being random picks by a jealous brother inevitably led to Kate and Rick finding each other. It was fate. It started with fan mail. So yeah, he'd read it.

"Bring it on," he said, ending the call.