Sleepless in Manhattan - Chapter 5
Kate had almost chewed her lip raw. She was sat on the patio, turning the phone in her hand over and over. She just couldn't decide. It had been a month, after all. And a month of silence comes with repercussions.
Alexis quietly approached her father, still thinking about how she could broach the subject. He was sitting in his office at his desk; his chin resting on his interlaced hands; elbows on the table, supporting his weight. It seemed like he was staring out into space yet again, until –
"What's up, Pumpkin?" his voice startled her.
"How are you doing, dad?"
"I'm okay," he said, meeting her eyes as she walked to stand in front of him.
Alexis stood awkwardly for a minute before sucking in a large breath and letting out a barrage of words. "Dad, I'm sorry if I crossed a line. I didn't want to butt in but I was worried that you were becoming a shell of a person, and I didn't want you to be that guy. You're not that guy. You're an awesome dad, and you're a wonderful person, and you don't deserve to be depressed. But I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have called the radio, and I did, and I'm sorry, and – "
"Pumpkin, slow down. Take a breath," Castle said, as he stood to take two steps towards her and pulled her into a comforting hug. "I'm not mad, Alexis. I was a little surprised, is all."
"But you should be mad. I mean, you're my dad. You're a grown-up, sometimes –"
"Hey," Castle interrupted, trying to sound indignant.
"-I should at least have spoken to you first, but I just didn't know how," Alexis completed, sounding frustrated.
"You've got to punish me. Tell me I can't go on my date with Ashley."
"What? That would be punishing Ashley more than you," Castle chuckled.
"Dad," Alexis huffed.
"Honey, I don't want to punish you. I feel good after speaking with Dr. Susan."
Alexis stepped back and eyed him skeptically.
"Okay, so not quite, but I'm getting there."
"If you don't punish me, I'll punish myself. Grounded for a month." Alexis crossed her arms and stood defiantly.
"What? That is completely ridiculous."
"Fine, then you come up with something."
He huffed. "Fine. A mission."
Huh. She was intrigued. "Go on."
"You've got to go to the radio station's office and collect all that fan mail. And you have got to do it under the alias, Harper Rodgers."
"That's it?"
"Take it or leave it."
"Okay, deal," said Alexis beaming at him for the first time in days. He pulled her in for a bear hug. "I'm so proud of you, dad," she said softly.
"Isn't that my line?"
It meant a lot to Alexis that he was trying at all. He knew a little of Kate's story from what Castle and Kate herself had shared with her. She knew how Jim Beckett had turned to alcohol after the death of his wife and how it had affected their once happy family. Alexis' family was not the same. Her mother hadn't died, but she was never a serious entity. Meredith had her own little space in their family dynamic. And Alexis had Martha. But ever since she was born, Alexis and her father were the basic family unit. The two of them against the evil forces of the universe.
"Works both ways. Love you. I'm gonna go get that mail now. Bye!" she said and sped off.
"Love you, too," Castle yelled after her.
Having finally worked up the courage, Kate selected the number, hit call, and waited impatiently as the phone rang.
"You are in a world of trouble," said the voice sternly.
"Lanie, I'm sorry," Kate said softly.
"I am so mad at you."
"I know, Lanie. I know. And you have every right to be. But I didn't – I couldn't cope with it. I needed –"
"Space and time," Lanie interrupted, sounding exasperated. "Well, I'm mad, but I also understand."
"You do?" Kate's voices sounding unsure, unlike herself, even to herself.
"They don't call me your best friend for nothing. Who else is gonna put up with you?"
Kate huffed out a laugh in relief. "Just you, Lanie. Thank you," she said sincerely.
"You're welcome," came her reply. "Now for the important question."
"Yeah?"
"Would you have called me if you didn't hear Castle's tortured voice on the radio?"
Kate gasped. "How did –"
"Best friend," Lanie reiterated. "And I happen to like corny radio shows."
"I – I don't know, Lanie."
"Uhuh. I knew it. I can see how much our friendship means to you."
"Lanie, I'm really, really sorry. I wish I was different. I wish –" Kate's reply was cut off by the chuckling.
"Kate, seriously. Lighten up. Just pulling your leg. But, here's another question. Why are you calling me instead of Writer-boy. I can't believe I'm saying this, but maybe he should have been your first call back to civilization."
Lanie was greeted by silence.
Why couldn't she call Castle? At first, it was because she wasn't sure if Castle's declaration at the cemetery was made because she was dying. She'd heard it loud and clear on the radio, but she had already told him she hadn't heard it. She had lied. Betrayed his unerring trust in her. Truth be told, she was afraid to face that. Afraid to face the fallout. She was afraid that he was in danger because of her. She was afraid that he wouldn't want her any more. She was afraid about the intensity with which he did want her. She was afraid.
For the first time in her life, Kate felt like a coward.
"I can't."
"Why, Kate? You heard how he feels about you."
"I lied to him, Lanie," Kate said shakily. "He's never going to forgive me."
"Do you really believe that?" Lanie asked flatly, suggesting the opposite. "Honey," she said, her voice softening, "that man loves you. And sure, you guys have a lot of things you need to work through, but you'll get there."
"How will we get there? The woman he fell in love with – she's gone. I'm a coward. I'm broken. Fallen."
"Kate Beckett, do not sell yourself short. Reach out to him. You know he'll pick you up."
Kate closed her eyes to will the tears back. Castle wasn't the kind to give up. She knew he was loyal to a fault. Damian Westlake's case had proven as much.
"Listen, I'll have to let you go. I need to go to the local PT."
"Kate," Lanie chided.
"I'm not running away from this," Kate explained. "I'll think about it."
"And try to stay in touch? The boys miss you too, you know. We all do. We almost lost you, Kate. And then we did lose you, in a way," she said softly.
"I know," Kate said, feeling utterly guilty. "I miss you guys, too. I'm working on getting better."
"I know, honey. We know you're a fighter, and we love you for it. Now, go do your PT and you'll get back to kicking butt in no time," Lanie said, making Kate chuckle.
"Can't wait. Talk to you soon."
"Good girl," she said, ending the call.
Kate thought about her conversation with Lanie. She hadn't lied to Lanie; she did need to see her physiotherapist. But she had some time before she needed to leave.
She thought about how to approach Castle. Thought about how difficult it would be not to break down on the phone with him. About how inadequate it would seem to have this conversation over the phone and not face to face, but she wasn't quite ready for that yet.
She wondered about everyone at home. About how her boys were coping without her. About who the new captain would be. That inevitably led to thinking about Montgomery, which just made her sad, and so she moved on from that. Esposito and Ryan had lost their captain too. Kate wasn't there with them, and so they couldn't deal with it as a family. What would have happened to them if she had died too? Would they ever have forgiven her? She thought that they'd be angry that she didn't call, but that they would understand better than Castle would. It was more likely that they would forgive her for putting up a fight and coming out alive.
She wondered about Martha and Alexis. Alexis. The girl had watched her being shot in the chest, with her father right next to her, attempting to take the bullet for her. That couldn't have been easy. It would have been her fault, if Castle had been hurt that day. Her fault if Castle had died. She would never have forgiven herself, let alone hoping Alexis would forgive her.
There had been a few times when Castle had been in dangerous situations, but Kate had a feeling that Castle might not have been that forthcoming with Alexis. He was a great father. He would have done his best to protect his daughter from all things evil. And this was an evil even Kate had a tough time dealing with.
Kate had told Lanie that she would think about it. About reaching out to Castle. She hadn't lied. She realized now, that there were more lives at stake – if not in danger – than just hers. She had to be strong; strong enough to catch the man who shot her, and the man who had put a target on her back. To slay the dragon so she could have the life she wanted. Make her father proud, and her mother's death count for something.
Kate had to be the person whom Castle was in love with.
She had to figure out how.
A/N: Lol. Sorry. Jeez, guys. I know you want her to contact him. Patience. Hopefully it'll be worth it.
Thanks for all the lovely reviews. Sorry that I haven't been replying individually. Pressed for time. Life, eh?