a/n: You know it turns out that I loved the first chapter and kinda wish I'd left this a one-shot. Oh well.

Lemon warning.

Chapter 5

About a week later

I watch him, hunched over his computer. He's avoiding my gaze. He knows what he's done. I continue to watch him, refusing to turn away. He must confront me or else I don't know what I'll do.

He thinks I am capable of mass murder. Sees me as such a despicable human being. Why then has he dragged me through this? Has he twisted my emotions like this for his own fun? Or was this really only physical for him?

He did admit in the beginning that he wanted me for sex. And he's never said anything to contest that idea. These feelings are my own fault. I draw my feet up to the couch and wrap my arms around my knees. My thoughts spiral away from me, becoming vague half-thoughts, too hazy to focus on. The only thought sticking out is the one I wish I could crush.

I want L.

The silence grows and stretches and seems to cover me in its angry resonation. I'm not sure how long I've been watching him now, or how long he's been avoiding me. I can tell the tension has grown too thick for him to bear, because his fingers are no longer moving over the keyboard.

"Why do you continue assuming I'm Kira?" my voice, barely more than a whisper, cracks through the silence.

"There is no one else it could be," he replies, his voice monotonous.

"But you're not sure." This time he closes his eyes, as though blocking out the conversation, but he knows I will persist until answered. I feel a smirk pulling at the corners of my mouth, finally the tables are turning and it's him that wishes to escape this continuous, disjointed discussion.

"I have no physical proof, if that is what you mean."

"It's not." Silence again. "Do you trust me at all?" Now he's closing his laptop and placing it on the couch next to him, but he does not move again.

"I am very conflicted," he says finally, and his black eyes meet mine. He searches my face, and I do my best to hide my pain. He looks away from me, eyes glazing over as he thinks. I want to comfort him. To step over the table that separates us, wrap my arms around him and whisper that once this is all over we will be in peace together. But that is not the truth.

"Ryuzaki."

"Hm?"

"I am not Kira." He smiles, but it is weak and inconsolable.

"I wish to believe that Light-kun." And the tone of his voice hurts even more than my own pain.

It's hours later when he speaks again and I can hear the hesitation in his voice.

"You care quite a bit about Misa."

"About Misa's safety," I correct him. "And why shouldn't I? She's innocent in all of this. You've taken advantage of her feelings for me and gotten her to agree to something she doesn't understand."

"I think she understands just fine," he counters, and I note a hint of a challenge in his voice.

"Just because she says she understands her life is as risk doesn't mean she truly grasps the severity of the situation," I snap. He is silent again. "Ryuzaki?" I wait until I have his full attention, "are you jealous?"

"Jealous?" His large eyes blink at me, but I can make out no discernable intent behind them.

"You don't have to be, you know." He continues to watch me in silence. I change the subject. "I'm still upset about what you said, and in front of everyone. I thought we were past that. Sometimes you're like a broken record."

"Would you like me to make it up to you?" his voice suddenly molten.

"I-ah…" and he slides off of the couch across from me. I scan the room quickly, we're alone. My eyes shift back to Ryuzaki, he's kneeling between my legs, his hands sliding up my thighs. "You think sex will make up for it? Just like that?" I try to keep my voice down, I am livid, he thinks it's so easy to placate me. But the sight of one of the world's best detectives kneeling between my legs is so exquisite. He nuzzles my budding arousal and when he speaks I shudder.

"Then we can be violent with each other." When he unzips my pants and pulls my hardness into my mouth I grab fistfuls of hair and am unrelenting. I thrust into his mouth, hard and deep, he gags around me repeatedly. The constriction of his throat feels wonderful. He grips the base of my member to keep it from happening again. I don't like this, I was enjoying the sounds of his helplessness. I tighten my hands in his hair and use his mouth as my own personal sex toy. My lust, amplified by my anger, doesn't allow me to hold out as long as I'd like. I throw my head back and let my mouth fall open in a silent scream as I climax. His head bobs a few time, causing me to shudder uncontrollably.

Suddenly his mouth is on mine and the kiss is hard and vicious. He thrusts his tongue in my mouth and I can taste myself on him. Then he's kissing and biting down my neck, I wonder vaguely if he's leaving marks. He latches onto the area where neck and shoulder join. I cry out hips thrusting, involuntarily. I feel like a delectable, rare sweet and he's savoring every bite.

His fingers fumble at his belt and the button of his pants. This only furthers my arousal. He's never had trouble like this before. I've unraveled him, the infamous L, one of the world's three most highly regarded detectives. I pant and lay my head against the couch, watching him with half-lidded eyes and a cruel smirk.

He glances up and catches my eyes with his, and they narrow. Suddenly I'm on my knees, on the floor, my chest resting against the couch, and he's wrapped the chain around my free wrist, and is holding it tight.

"What so humorous, Yagami-kun?" he pants into my ear. He's trying to remain aloof, but I can feel his arousal through his pants pushing into my backside. He bites the back of my neck and I gasp. "Answer me." Another bite, this one harder, more painful, possibly drawing blood. Something about his response is so very satisfying.

"Look at you," my tone derisive, "falling all over yourself. All to be inside of the man you claim is Kira." The chain around my wrist tightens and my hand begins to tingle from the lack of blood flow. "Does is excite you to dominate me again and again? Who's the real psychopath?" I question, laughing cruelly at him.

He doesn't warn me, barely even prepares himself. I hear the sound of spit and then he's pushing into me. I pant hard, knowing to expect pain. As he pushes I can feel muscles stretching and ripping. It's the most horrendous, excruciating moments of my life. And then he's seated inside me and the pain dulls, but it's only momentary.

Every thrust is pain, like sandpaper grinding within me. I can barely keep from screaming. The hand that isn't holding the chain snakes around to my front and begins to pump my waning arousal. I do my best to focus on his hand. His thrusts become more fluid and the pain begins to dissipate as his pre-cum lubricates me. I'm not sure when I began mewling with pleasure and pushing back into his forceful thrusts.

My mind is a fuzzy mess and all I can do is feel. My mouth lolls open and soft guttural moans rise from my chest. "Ah," I whimper when I feel spurts of heat within me as he climaxes, and I can feel his hand increasing in pace. I lean back into him, thrusting myself on his hardness before it fades. He bites my shoulder, hard, and this is all it takes to push me over the edge.

I slump against the couch and he slumps against me. We are both sweaty and sated. My eye lids are heavy and I want nothing more than to sleep. The indignation from before like a distant memory. I begin to drift away when I have a sudden realization.

"Ryuzaki."

"Hn?" he questions.

"Do you think anyone heard us?" He curses against my back and stands, pulling his jeans up from where they had collected around his knees. I barely manage to pull my pants on, one hand useless and limp from the restriction of blood flow. I'll have to wait for feeling to return before I can properly fasten my belt and pants.

oOoOo

Two days later (after Misa has exposed Higuchi)

oOoOo

It seems that Misa has agitated him. Since her request for me to sleep with her L continually glances in my direction as though I am going to take her offer. Surely he doesn't think me that shallow? He stands and I follow suit, following him silently. We enter the bathroom and shut the door. I face the door, waiting for L's signal that it's safe to turn around. When I don't hear anything I peek over my shoulder. He's just standing there, watching me. I turn to him and cross my arms.

"What do you want, Ryuzaki?" He still says nothing and I sigh irritably. Then suddenly he's tugging on the chain, I'm caught off guard and am propelled to him. I stumble into his waiting arms. Our noses nearly touching, I need only tilt my head and ever so slightly lean forward and… We stay this way, staring, fixated with one another.

"We have to stop this, Light-kun."

"What?"

"This… affair we've started, we need to stop it. You are my suspect, not my partner. We need to stop this before either of us is hurt anymore."

He can't be serious, but his eyes are reserved. And I can't stop the wetness I feel beginning to cloud my vision. It rolls forth from my eye unhindered and uninvited. I don't want to do this in front of him. I pull away from him, pushing the emotions to the back of my mind. But my hands still tremble.

He turns away from me, hands in his pockets, allowing me the barest privacy to pull myself together. I breathe a shuddering breath and then force a wall between my rational mind and my emotional. It's ill-fitting having been in disuse so long, and I'm sure it will take weeks to get used to. But for the meantime it will do. When we leave the bathroom I am unruffled.

"Matsuda-san, are you prepared?"

"Yes, Ryuzaki!" L nods.

"Then tomorrow evening we'll be initiating the plan." I'm relieved. Once we apprehend Higuchi it will be clear to everyone.

I am not Kira.

Kira

I feel like an idiot, being used so easily by L. He may as well have had me wrapped around his little finger. It's despicable, my behavior as well. No better than Misa. All for love.

Maybe if it had actually been love we shared I wouldn't be so eager for his death. I'm being childish, wishing for his death because he hurt my feelings. Of course it's not the only reason, his death will allow me the freedom to change the world. He's the only one in my way and once he's gone it will be all too easy.

Yes, just a while longer. A couple days at most. Lightening splits the sky and I see a pillar of darkness against the light. I walk closer to the window and squint. It's L. I should leave and let him have his last days in solitude. But there's a nagging at the back of my mind. I inhale deeply and push open the door, standing under the overhang out of the rain.

"What are you doing standing out there by yourself?" he blinks at the sound and turns to look at me. Then holds his hand to his ear. I cup my hand to my mouth, raise my voice and repeat the question. This time when he signals he hasn't heard he gives me a playful smile. A lure to step out into the rain with him. I briefly consider leaving him to himself. Instead I trudge out into the rain, stopping only when I'm an arms reach from him.

"What are you doing, Ryuzaki?" He looks away.

"I'm not doing anything in particular. It's just. . . I can hear the bells."

"Bells?"

"Yes the sound of the bells have been unusually loud today," his voice sounds almost wistful. I try to listen, but all I can hear is the pitter patter of the rain.

"I don't hear anything."

"Really you can't hear it? It's been ringing nonstop all day. I find it very distracting. I wonder if it's a church; maybe a wedding or perhaps a… " he trails off, but there's no need for him to finish his sentence.

"What are you talking about Ryuzaki? Come on, lets get back inside."

"I'm sorry," he looks away again and hunches his shoulders, "I'm distant in my relationships to everyone. I don't trust anyone either." Where is he going with this?

He's silent, his eyes downcast and I take a moment to truly see him. He's soaked, and his expression so downtrodden it pulls at my heartstrings. I ignore it, I want to be angry with him.

"That's true. You try not to get involved in relationships. If it's something that you can't understand, you shouldn't get involved in the first place. I know that better than anyone."

"Yes, I would say that's a fair assessment… but I could say the same about you."

"Hm, what's that supposed to mean?" He meets my gaze steadily.

"Tell me Light-kun, from the moment you were born has there ever been a point where you actually told the truth?" For a moment I'm shocked, but his eyes are sending a challenge. What does he think? That I'm going to forgive him now that we've had this heart to heart. Or is it about us at all? Does he expect me to confess? Wouldn't that be perfect, to have your ex-lover confess to you in the rain out of love. Well he'll be sorely disappointed then.

"Were is this coming from? I do admit I stretch the truth here and there, but, find me one person in this world who has never told a lie. Human beings aren't perfect, everybody lies. Even so, I won't tell lies that hurt my loved ones. That's my answer."

"I had a feeling you would say something like that."

"Let's go back inside. We're both drenched."

"Yeah."

oOoOo Inside

"Well that was certainly a pleasant outing," I can hear the humor in his tone. But I'm not in the joking mood.

"It's your own fault. What did you expect would happen?"

"You're right. Sorry," he sounds crestfallen. He keeps apologizing. It isn't like him and I find it worrisome. I continue toweling my hair. He kneels at my feet and I look at him, expecting him to speak. Instead he picks up my foot.

"What are you doing?" I barely manage to keep from yelping in surprise.

"I thought I might help you. You were busy drying yourself off anyway."

"Look, it's fine you don't have to do that," I don't want him to touch me. It's bad enough that I have to deal with all these lingering emotions. His cool hands on my feet make my skin itch for more.

"I can give you a massage as well. It's the least I can do to atone for my sins. I'm actually pretty good at it." Atone for his sins? Is this his idea of an apology? I'm prepared to say no, but when I look into his eyes something deep within me twinges and yields.

"Fine do what you want."

"Alright," he begins to rub my feet, using the towel to dry off my skin. His thumb digs into the arch of my foot and I gasp in pain.

"Hey!"

"You'll get used to it," and while the words are callous his tone is gentle. My anger is quickly dissipating, this only serves to irritate me. It shouldn't be so easy for him to pacify me.

Cold, wet droplets of water bring my attention back to my foot. He's still soaking wet, didn't even take time to dry himself properly. Through my anger I feel empathy. So it was an apology. I reach for my discarded towel and gently pat the hair plastered to his forehead.

"Here you're still soaked."

"I'm sorry," I'm bothered again by his apology. We are silent for a long moment, stuck in our own thoughts. As is usual of late, all of my thoughts pertain to him.

Now that he's apologized can I forgive him? Can I let Kira disappear? Do I want to continue with my plan? Things will never be the same between us, no matter what path I take. Once he knows the truth with one-hundred percent certainty I will always be Kira to him. I can never be Light Yagami in his eyes again.

"It'll be lonely won't it?"

"Huh?" his words catch me off guard.

"You and I will be parting ways soon." Does he know? Before I can formulate a reply his phone begins ringing. He answers it and I am left with my thoughts. My heart beat speeds up as I try to decide my course of action. What do I choose? Do I at least try to salvage whatever charade of a relationship we had, or do I let him walk blindly off the bluff.

"Come on let's go Light. It seems like it's all worked out," he stands and turns to leave.

"Wait, L," he stops abruptly at the use of his name. I take this momentary lapse to grab at his arm and pull him back to where I sit. He stumbles obligingly. "Please, just… just sit here with me a little longer."

"Light-kun," my name is murmured like a prayer, and it causes a chill to race down my back. I must choose my path, and I must choose it now. I look up into his eyes. Eyes that have seen me in a way no one else has.

"Ryuzaki…"

I am forever losing to him.

In the process of writing one more part. But I really like this as an ending.