We're goofing around.
That's cool.
Goofing around.
That's totally what this feels like.
Just…goofing around.
The last few weeks haven't been the best time I've ever had. Not at all.
Chandler definitely isn't the greatest guy I've ever been with.
We don't have an amazing connection. We don't have great sex. I don't want to be around him all the time.
And he definitely isn't all that I think about.
Because that would mean we're doing more than goofing around.
I smack my hand against the nearest wall, frustrated. A moment later, pain radiates up my entire arm and my mouth drops open in pain. I shake my hand, now frustrated and in pain.
Awesome.
I stomp down the hall—I need some sort of outlet for my irritation.
I feel a burning sensation behind my eyes and I bite my lip. I will not cry. I will not cry.
Oh, hell. I'm going to cry.
"Damn it," I mumble as my chest constricts painfully, looking around for a moment before spotting a bathroom. I hurry through the door and duck in to a stall just as a sob bubbles out of my mouth.
I lean back against the wall and wrap my arms around my stomach, trying to take deep, calming breaths even as my tears shake my body.
This is so stupid. Chandler and I have only been together for a few weeks. We haven't talked about being exclusive or even if we're more than just…
I can't even bring myself to think it. It seems like such a vulgar term for what we have. I mean, yeah, maybe we have spent the bulk of our time alone naked, but it's been anything than just mindless screwing. He's so sweet and attentive and wonderful…
Even though we haven't talked about it, I sure haven't been interested in seeing anyone else. I haven't gotten the impression that he was, either. There hasn't been a moment of our time together that's been put on hold because we decided to go on a date with someone else.
Of course, I realize with a start, we haven't exactly been on a date, either.
So I guess maybe we're not seeing each other—we might actually just be sleeping with each other.
My legs feel weak suddenly and I slide down the wall until I'm on the floor, arms wrapped around my knees.
Why the hell does this hurt so much? We haven't defined what we are at all. We've just been spending as much time together as possible; he doesn't even bother to drop off his briefcase when he gets home from work. He just runs in to find me and kisses me senseless.
You don't do that to someone you're just goofing around with, right?
If we were just goofing around, his body wouldn't be wrapped around mine every night. If we we're just goofing around, we wouldn't wait until the very last moment possible every morning to sneak out of bed.
Right?
But, hell, this is Chandler. He's so weird about these things. Maybe to him, these things aren't that important.
I wipe my face with the back of my hand, my tears mostly stopped but my heart still in pain. I don't want to be goofing around, though. Maybe we're not ready to be completely serious about each other, but I know I don't want to see anyone else right now. I don't want to go on a date with whoever this guy is that Rachel found.
I just want to be with Chandler.
I don't care if we ever go on a date; I just want Chandler.
Badly enough that I will sob on the floor of a public bathroom and not even care.
Though I think I'm lying to myself a little bit because I really do want to actually date Chandler. I don't know how we'd make that happen, but I sure as hell want to try.
A thought suddenly occurs to me—what if he doesn't think we're goofing around? What if he said that because he thinks that I want to date some other guy? Would he really step aside so I could do that?
I roll my eyes and nod to myself; of course he would. His self-confidence is low enough that he would do that instead of flat-out telling me that doesn't want me to see anyone else.
I guess there's a slight possibility that we need to learn how to communicate with each other a little better.
Of course, this is all speculation right now. I still don't know if he's interested in me long term or if we are just some sort of fling.
I shake my head—that's impossible. You don't have sex like we do when it's strictly casual.
Well, I don't, at any rate.
In fact, I've never had sex like this in my entire life. Though that's definitely because I've never known anyone like I've known Chandler, and have certainly never been with anyone who knows me the way he does. We have an actual connection that comes from years of friendship.
But that still doesn't mean we're doing anything more than goofing around.
I stand up, tired of this endless loop in my head. I exit the stall and run some paper towels under the cold water, then press them to my face. I check myself out in the mirror and shudder a little; my eyes are red and my face looks washed out. It'll be a few minutes before I can safely rejoin the rest of the world.
I take a few deep breaths; if we're goofing around, fine. I'll go on a date with this guy, even if the thought makes my stomach turn a little.
If we're not goofing around, maybe me dating someone else will force Chandler's hand a little. I already told him I'd planned to get out of this date, but he didn't take opportunity to let me know if that was what he wanted.
I sigh, fighting back tears again. I don't want to play games with him. I don't want our…whatever it is to be like that. I don't want to him to ask how high when I say "jump." I don't want to be Ross and Rachel with their constant power plays and making each other suffer for past mistakes. That doesn't seem worth it.
I look in the mirror again—I look mostly back to normal, but I still don't know what I'm going to do. I'm really, really reluctant to talk to Chandler about this, only because I know how skittish he can be with relationships. And part of me just wants to piss him off and agree to go on this date.
I shake my head, tossing the paper towel in the trashcan before going back to the hall. Maybe I'll know what to do when I see him.
*A/N…so, if you try to follow the timeline as shown on Friends, things make no sense (how is Rachel a month pregnant in May 2001 and then gives birth when it's 100 degrees outside in 2002? How does Emma celebrate her first birthday in cold weather in season 10?), so I'm trying to do things in some sort of order. At any rate, I'm assuming Ross and Emily got married in Mayish, so there's this whole chunk of time that is sort of unaccounted for. Like, I'm fairly certain that between The One Hundredth and TWW Phoebe Hates PBS or TWW All The Kips there's a significant period of time where Chandler and Monica were probably building their relationship. Regardless, there's time in between, and I want to explore that. It just might not be all sex, but hopefully some real moments along the way. And now that I've rambled…