A/N: Thanks for the reads, reviews, follows, favourites. I should've mentioned previously that we hope to be updating daily (or thereabouts). There are around 8 or 9 chapters by the looks...this one is EXCEPTIONALLY LONG.
Also: We appreciate how difficult 'certain' angsty situations may be to read (they're also excruciatingly difficult to write!) It's at this juncture then that we should probably quote Ben Bass: "It's not over until it's over." Hang in there, good boxing is about being able to go the distance, or so we have heard ;)
Co-written with dcj
Disclaimer: We don't own Rookie Blue
'Lacing the Gloves'
"Boxing is the toughest and loneliest sport in the world. You've got all the fans, lots of hangers-on jumping up and shouting different words. But when you actually go in the ring, it's a very lonely and scary place. It's just you and the other guy". - Frank Bruno
Sam arrives at Fifteen early the next day. He wants to get a head start on some case files, sure, but he's also wanting to clear his mind before he puts his nose anywhere near them. The 3k he did at sunrise didn't do the trick this morning, for whatever reason –
(Maybe the invite he got from Cruz first thing asking him to join her at the gym she uses over by SWAT; according to her, everything he could ever want would be there… and a few of her old workmates were planning to show too…
Sam begged off the invite though: He kind of likes what he's got going here.)
He opens the door to the gym and freezes. Sees the toned shoulder muscles of a sweaty McNally working overtime on the bag. She lost a little weight while she was under, but her body looks like it might have been in training all that time too. He figures she did extra aerobics and weights, probably some running herself. Hell, running was Sam's go-to form of exercise whenever he went UC.
Whatever she did, she's looking reasonably strong. Her punch lands harder than Sam remembers too. "You been workin' on your hook?" he asks her quietly, conscious of the momentum she's got. He doesn't want to intrude, but the way she's swinging has got Sam intrigued.
McNally throws two final punches, this time a reasonably impressive right uppercut, followed by a deadly left hook.
Sam raises an impressed eyebrow, moves further into the room but still keeps his space.
When she turns, she's breathing heavy. Sam half expects her not to give him a whole lot of eye contact, but she doesn't avert her gaze. She shuffles on her feet though, that's a dead giveaway of some nerves. She leans an arm against the bag. "Thought I'd better see what shots I've still actually got."
Sam casts his eyes down for a second or two, momentarily worried about her reading his expression. The phrase 'every shot' enters his mind unsolicited. But when the words settle in his brain, some other equally strong thoughts shut them right down. "Training's important, I guess."
"Not training, per se," she replies softly, fidgeting a little with one of the gloves. "Just don't want to get knocked off my feet. Don't wanna let myself get hurt."
Sam stiffens a little. Nods minutely. "Yeah, I know what you mean." His voice is rougher than what should have come out. Sam gets it, he does. He knows now that his moving on might be painful for her –
But she left him. Sam thought that when McNally chose to leave the division six months ago, she was choosing a change. As far as he was concerned, she wanted to move forward; that she was done for good with them…no going back.
Sam's words hit Andy right in the breadbasket. It's only the worn edge to his voice…this sound that comes out fine and fractured…that stopped the punch from hitting her below the belt. She knows she hurt him too; they've been through this already. And it's really not what she had in mind when she thought about 'getting him back'.
Andy really does not want to keep trading these particular punches. She misses Sam. And she knows he's not with her right now, but she doesn't want that to mean that they can't actually at least be…friends. She nods a little, just to let him know that she hasn't forgotten any confession he has already made.
She chews into her bottom lip, considering. For the longest minute of her life, Andy has no earthly idea what small step she might be able to take to show him that she's prepared to sit ringside. Hell. That she'll do better than that. She'd be his corner-man if that's what it took…
Well. Whatever it is…she's prepared to be there for him somehow…in some way…until he lets her back into the fight.
Sam catches her off guard when he breaks the silence. "So, how is the defence now?" Andy's eyes widen, surprised as he takes another step in her direction. His hands are secure in his pockets as he mutters the question, but she thinks she detects a small smile.
She can't help but grin back at him, shaking her head. A part of it really is a surprise –
The fact that he was the one brave enough to take that first step. "Oh, you know me," she replies eventually. "Fancy with the footwork, but not so great with the rest." Andy shifts away from the bag as she says it, wondering how Sam might react to her taking a step toward closing their gap. They're only a few feet away from one another now, probably as close as they've been since –
Well. Since.
"Footwork will get you places, that's for sure," he says with some air, his smile growing just that inch bigger. Lopsided though. He tips his chin up at her, and takes another small step in. "You've got a good shoulder roll too."
The blush that comes over Andy's cheeks is the first significant one she has had in an indeterminate number of months. She avoids ducking her face shyly because something instinctive inside of her wants to show that colour to him.
She clucks her tongue and peers bravely from underneath her lashes to inform him; "Yeah…well… I learned from the best…"
Sam chokes out a dry laugh, shaking his head. His grin shows a flash of teeth as he takes yet another step closer. "Consider it payment in kind, McNally," he says, looking as though he's trying to hold in a laugh.
After another moment, Sam gets that faux-serious look on his face that always makes Andy's heart skip a beat. "Gotta admit our sparring sessions improved my blocking big time."
Andy's friendly left jab toward his shoulder is on instinct; it's released full and fast –just like her laugh in his face. He deflects her hand with a parry before she connects with him though, briefly holding on tight to her wrist –
"Sorry, I'm late…" Nick's voice booms through the room as the door swings all the way open; Andy's break-up buddy panting like he might have run all the way here. "Oh…I…"
Sam drops Andy's hand back to her side, turns on his heel. "It's okay, Collins." He walks in the direction of the door Nick's come through. "I should probably go do some work."
Andy pipes up quickly, desperately not wanting him to leave. The atmosphere and the words were getting warmer; she really thought they might be getting somewhere -
Clearly Nick didn't mean to barge in, but seriously. Andy might have to run through a list of do's and do not's with her current sparring partner. "You don't have to leave, Sam…"
Sam turns his face in her direction, gives her another small smile. "I'll see you around, McNally." He pauses in the doorframe as though he has some second thoughts. "Work on your countering, okay?"
Andy's brow furrows momentarily, but then she thinks…hopes…that Sam maybe…just maybe…might be trying to give her a hint…
Sam continues on toward the direction of the coffee station. He blows out a breath, frustrated –
For starters, he's feeling guilty. He knows Cruz has been working her ass off since the fight was announced. Has been in his ear to help her out. Both yesterday afternoon and this morning he found some excuse not to get in a ring with her. Then two minutes near a pair of gloves and McNally and he's feeling this –
Itch.
Given another two minutes and Sam's fairly certain he would've put a pair of gloves on himself. Would've let McNally practise her defensive techniques with him. He tries to forget why -
As he pours himself some black coffee, Sam tries to drown out how much he misses fighting with her…
And then there's the niggling irritation; of course army-boy is her go-to-man for training now. Of course he's going to let her hit him. Any residual smile Sam has is starting to fade at that thought. He sips at the hot coffee and winces. His brain catches up a couple of seconds later; that was something in his chest getting burned.
Nick's eyes bounce between Sam and Andy till Swarek disappears down the hallway. When he dares to look back at his former partner, she's looking a lot disappointed and he's feeling more than a little guilty. "My timing sucks huh?"
Andy's head does this little flip to the side as her eyebrow shoots up. "Ya think?"
"I'm sorry, okay?" Nick's begging. "I forgot to tell Gail last night, so when I got up early this morning…"
Nick's not a blusher and there's really not a whole lot shy about him either so she can't quite get a read on why he might be holding back. Still, Andy's pretty sure she doesn't want to hear it.
She's doing her best Princess Leia, gloved hands muffled tightly to her ears. "Ew." She pulls one hand away just long enough to punch Nick in the shoulder. "I do NOT need to know any more about your hand to hand with Gail."
"Well, if we're being honest it wasn't exactly my hand…" he says, a little more confidently and with his own tilt of the head.
Andy cuts him off with a right cross straight to the chest; wipes that smug (and annoyingly satisfied) grin right off his face.
"Hey," he moans, lets his bag fall to the floor so he can rub at the spot she just pummelled.
Andy's dancing around on her feet – floating like a butterfly… She lets go of a few more punches, albeit a lot softer this time, just to tease. "What's the matter GI? Can't take it? Getting soft?"
Nick spies the extra set of gloves on the bench behind her, makes a move to go after them, but Andy's quicker, gets her whole body between him and the prize.
Nick lifts an amused brow. "So, 'work on your countering'?" He recants right before he fakes one way and then dives at the gloves from the opposite direction. "Guess that means he didn't make you spill all your secrets then huh?"
That stalls Andy for a second; she doesn't think he would… she replays their conversation in her head. (If anyone was giving anything away…)
In what feels like the next second, Andy's stomach is plummeting and her hands are grappling for purchase on Nick's arm as her feet slide out from under her. He's got a good hold on her though, lowers her easily to the floor.
He ignores the unamused stare she's got going. "Don't lose focus," he commands before he releases her and backs away.
Andy shifts herself up to her elbows, watches as he slides the gloves easily on to his hands. "Pretty sure you'd get disqualified for that."
"Pretty sure I could've knocked you out if I wanted to too," Nick shrugs, "you can't afford to let anything distract you."
Nick knows Andy's got the skills –
(After the first few nights of watching crappy television in their even crappier UC apartment, they made a trip to the second hand store and picked up some board games… and some old gloves Andy spotted on the shelf.
She was actually pretty good, surprised him a little even. He could tell that she'd had some experience, just not nearly as much as him. He took it easy on her for a bit… until she decided to get cocky.
He felt pretty bad when she was sitting there with the ice pack. But she just laughed it off, told him she should have known better, told him it made her look tougher. Then she proceeded to inform him that he had to make it up to her by teaching her everything he knew.)
Yeah, she's got skills. But if she can't keep her head in the game, it's not going to matter. And he has a feeling that Cruz is not above using her mouth to her advantage.
Andy harrumphs a little; then pushes herself up off the floor. "I'm not going to get distracted," she insists.
Nick nods mockingly, pushes on her shoulder a little to taunt her. "Show me what you got then champ. Let's see what you can do." Andy throws a quick jab that Nick blocks easily. "You can do better than that."
"Defence remember?" Andy reminds him.
Nick's eyes bear down on Andy. "Sometimes the best defence…"
"Yeah, yeah," Andy huffs out. "I'll show you offense." She throws a few more quick jabs and then comes around with her left hook.
Nick's able to block her, but just barely. He's bouncing on his feet now though, smiling a little as he peppers a few shots back at her. He likes her like this, when the fire comes back into her eyes.
It means he has to step up his game though or else…
Nick's mouth forms a perfect 'O' when she's able to connect with his side. "You think you can take me," he jabs back. "Huh? Huh?"
"You're going down," she vows, ponytail bobbing behind her. "Gonna be rough tellin' those army buddies of yours that your first loss was to a girl."
Nick steals a quick glance at the clock on the wall, figures they don't have long if they both want to catch showers before parade. "Well, we've only got ten minutes, so you better make it fast," he challenges.
Andy lifts her hands up to protect her face, narrows her eyes before one eyebrow makes a move of its own. "That what you tell Gail this morning too?"
Nick feels the next punch hard. It makes him smile though; he doesn't really mind that she just beat him at his own game.
Fifteen minutes later and Andy's darting towards the locker room. Her cheeks are flushed and the better part of her hair has escaped from the pony tail and is sticking to the side of her face.
But to Sam, she's never looked better. He watches from the coffee station, finger tapping against the side of the cup. His coffee's cooled down enough for him to bring it up to his lips again, but something is holding him back.
His eyes follow her retreating figure, the bounce in her step.
It's a hard pill to swallow knowing Collins helped put that there.
Sam scratches at his chest as he continues to watch the determined gait of her steps, the way her legs and arms swing in time, the way her hips sway just that bit.
If Sam didn't know any better, he'd think she was still in the ring; the way she used to sidestep around him, and then out of nowhere crowd all his space. A single memory floods his senses as she vanishes through the doors to the locker room, it was of the last sparring session they had –
(He took her to the gym in his neighbourhood early one morning a few days before Jerry died, had finally decided to show her what he was up to some of those mornings he skipped out on her early.
It was probably the most fun Sam had ever had working out – watching McNally work up a sweat because they kept pushing and pushing until they both hurt -
Sam stepped back against the ropes to take a breath, watched on as she doubled over to suck in air of her own. When she stood straight she just looked at him, bright eyes and a smile that caught him off guard…right before she took three determined steps and lunged into his arms. "I love you," she told him, right on his mouth).
Marlo stills her back against the wall. Feels a pang of…something…as she watches Sam watch McNally. She can see him clearly from where she is, another two inches and he'd probably spot her.
She knows what she's got with Sam is far, far from the point of marriage and babies; she knows it's still fairly new…and it started out as some casual fun. But the thing is – she actually really likes him. Likes the fact that he's not pushy and possessive. That he's easy to be around and makes her feel good about herself. It also helps that she likes looking at him a whole lot too –
But when she sees it, she knows it. That look he just gave McNally, that is a look she would like seeing directed her way.
After a few seconds of feeling angry, she bites inside her cheek to feel some pain there instead of…elsewhere. She repeats her silent mantra; 'it's in the past'. It doesn't stop the niggling feeling she has though, doesn't stop her thinking he's trying to get over McNally by attempting to use some sort of rebound technique.
And early days Marlo would've been happy to just play that role. But now she wonders if she's not headed for a hard surface herself.
She blows out a slow breath, keeping an eye on the back of Sam as he heads towards his office. Figures it best not to talk to him yet. She resolves to make the most of her plans to get them together with Frank and Noelle. It'll be a good chance to 'see' where he's at she figures. See how he is with her in front of his friends. Maybe talk to him later tonight; go back to her place...
McNally's only just returned to the fold, so there's every possibility Sam is still adjusting, coming to terms with how she hurt him with her right in his face. So, if Marlo detects any sign that she's got a good shot at this, she's going to push the point with him. She wants to crank things up at least some kind of notch.
Andy's still rubbing the towel at her wet hair when she rounds the row of lockers that leads to her own. A quick glance at her watch tells her she's still got some time but she wants to hit the coffee machine before parade.
She's lacing up her boots when she hears the small whimpers coming into the room.
"Heyyy," Andy greets, her content smile growing into something bright.
"Heard you were back," Noelle chimes out by way of greeting. She lays a changing pad out onto the table before placing Olivia gently upon it.
Andy slides her arms through her long sleeve quickly and tucks her tie into her pocket before pushing her locker closed. "Yeah, a couple weeks now," she confirms, walking over to the mother and daughter pair.
She makes short work of the buttons before reaching a finger out to Olivia's. She leans over to catch the little girl's eye before she coos. "You come to visit Daddy?"
By the time it's out of Andy's mouth, Noelle's already started putting everything back together. She's a natural, just like everything else she's ever tried.
She looks at the reverence in Andy's eyes and it brings a smile to her own face. When she lifts the baby off the table, she presses her towards McNally. "You mind?"
Andy's smile grows even brighter. "Of course not," she accepts, reaching for the little girl eagerly, pulling her right in against her chest.
Noelle turns towards the sinks, can hear Andy's soft voice and her daughter's answering gurgles behind her. Her eye is drawn to the mirror as she lathers up her hands.
The smile on Andy's face is unguarded and matched only by the one on her little girl's. Both completely caught up in the wonder of each other.
Noelle watches on silently as Andy's fingers trace the deep indents in her daughter's chubby cheeks. The wistful look in Andy's eye is quick and gone, but Noelle catches it, knows it well.
She reaches for a paper towel and turns as she dries her hands. "How does it feel being back?"
Andy shrugs quickly, pulls her eyes up from the baby but only for a second. "I don't know; fine, I guess. Different," she admits.
Noelle huffs out a soft chuckle. "No doubt. Guess I'll find out for myself in a couple months."
Frank's let a few things slip but he's not a gossip; neither is Noelle really but what she has heard surprised her. Really cannot imagine some of the changes she's told she'll be walking into. But from the looks of McNally, they can't be far off.
"Yeah," Andy concedes quietly. "I'm sure you'll be ready though."
Noelle's eyes creep up a little. "You weren't?"
Andy's still watching the baby, when she answers. "I don't know. It's like you know in the back of your head that life goes on. But you hope…" She pauses, breathes in and out a few times, and then finally dares a look over at the senior officer. "It's just not what I expected to come back to."
Noelle smiles softly; if anyone gets that life throws you curves, it's her. "I hate to break it to you Rookie, but life's not always what you expect. You gotta take what comes at you and roll with it. Figure out what you want and don't give up." Noelle tosses the paper towel into the nearby garbage and steps up next to Andy. She places a soft hand on her daughter's back. "It's not easy, but it's all worth it in the end."
"It definitely was for you," Andy agrees, kisses the little hand Olivia has wrapped around her finger before she tilts her head to the side. "Did you always know this was what you wanted?" Andy wonders; she's heard just how good Noelle was when she was younger, knows just how far she could've gone.
"I wouldn't change it for the world," Noelle crows. "It was tough that's for sure. There were a lot of times I thought about giving up the idea of being a mom, even put it on the backburner a few times." She pulls her eyes reluctantly away from her daughter to settle on McNally. "I was going to take the Sergeant's Exam did you know that?"
She doesn't wait for Andy to answer, instead she just shrugs. "In the end, I knew what I wanted. And I was willing to do just about anything to make it happen. It was worth the wait." She nods at her daughter. "SHE was worth the wait."
Andy believes her; she really does. But the waiting, the doing nothing but hoping, the not knowing if it will ever… it's just all so hard. "You never worried that you couldn't have both, that you might have to give up one for the other."
Noelle's starting to get a little clearer picture of McNally's fears here. "It wasn't easy and it's still not going to be easy. I know that. But I do think yo… I can have both. And I think it's okay to want both… to go after both. There will always be times where one gets a little more attention, but that's where your partner comes in. You gotta hope you find someone who gets that and together you just have to find the right combination, the right balance."
Andy takes a deep breath, nods understandingly before sliding on her best 'fake it till you make it' smile. "We should get going," she suggests gesturing towards the door. "Someone's probably ready to get home and relax," she croons to the little girl.
"Unfortunately we have a few errands to run first," Noelle grumbles, "and I forgot to get the keys from Frank so…" She reaches for her daughter as they approach the doorway.
Andy has other ideas though. "I can hold her if you want to just run up."
"I'd love to," Noelle concedes, "but I don't think her daddy would be very happy with me if I didn't give him the chance to see her one more time."
Andy purses her lips. "Well I can't blame him," she babbles to the little girl before she lifts her away from her body and passes her over to her mother.
"She really is great, Noelle," Andy brags, "I would love to spend more time with her." She takes Olivia's hand gently in her own, places a soft kiss on her palm. "If you ever need someone to look after her, please let me know," she offers sincerely.
Noelle's eyes flash wide, pleasantly surprised by the young woman's offer. "Thanks, McNally. We just might take you up on it."
"Now let's go see Daddy," she tells her daughter, lifting her little hand and waving it toward Andy. "Say bye to Officer McNally."
Andy drops her knees a little so she can get eye level with the little girl. "Bye, Ninja," she coos, her smile and eyes alight.
She doesn't stop waving till she feels a slight tug from her pocket. When she looks over, Nick's got her tie in his hands. "Missing something?"
Sam is on his way between records and his office when he sees the exchange –
It's like McNally is everywhere. (Either that, or...he's actually trying to catch a glimpse. Trying to make sense of how to handle being in the same space with her without it having an effect -)
He slows down the pace he had set out when he first came out of the room, doesn't want to enter that particular Bermuda Triangle of girls while he's in this frame of mind. He steps to the far side of the wall and walks slower still, tries to keep his eyes averted and as though he's looking at the file in his hand.
There's a softness to McNally that he's only seen on the odd occasion. Even when she's been upset or sad, she's always pretty effective in making it look like she's courageous and brave...
Or those other times when she appears completely uncertain, and just wanting to deny any fears she might have.
Sam doesn't think any less of her either way. He can relate to both.
But here with Ninja, is a McNally that is open; a vulnerability and tenderness that puts a hard lump in Sam's throat. He can't take his eyes off the connection between her gentle touch, and Olivia's tiny, chubby hand.
He actively has to keep his features in check when he hears the "Bye, Ninja."
(The baby's name wasn't just a running gag that Sam had with Oliver; it was a point of discussion with Andy too –
He may have frozen when she smacked at his chest and laughed as she whined; "please remind me that no baby of ours can ever be named by you."
And it wasn't that Sam didn't not ever want to think of the future in those terms...it's just –
It was a lot. And it was only a few days after she first told him she loved him. He was still coming to grips with that particular fact.
Suffice to say, it caught him while he was on the back foot.
He recovered pretty well though, let her continue to laugh as he picked her up and dumped her onto his bed.)
Sam's thoughts are interrupted when Collins appears beside McNally. He rolls his eyes at the wide smile that's growing on army boy's face as he reaches into Andy's pocket to pull out her tie.
Sam swallows down any lump that had formed in the past minute. He reaches into his jeans to pull out some gum; anything to take away whatever that taste is in his mouth.
Sam chews at the inside of his cheek and decides to pull his big boy pants up; he needs to get back to his office and start work on this case. He picks up his pace and carries on down the corridor, gives his best polite nod to GI Joe before he smiles small at Andy, and keeps walking as they head in the other direction, into the pit.
The double dose of dimples Andy's had in the past few minutes is not making her day necessarily easy, but along with the boxing, they have helped to brighten her mood.
She returns Sam's quick smile in a similar manner, although Andy fears hers may be a little more wistful... so, she's going to have to work on that bit.
After Sam has passed, she turns to give Nick some pre-emptive eyebrow. "Just...don't...okay..." she urges quietly, willing him not to get in her ear. Everything already hurts enough without all the continual pushing and prodding from everyone else.
Nick stops in the spot, puts a hand on her arm. "I get it," he says quietly. "Andy, I get it." He looks up in the direction of where Sam disappeared. "I just...other points of view help sometimes, you know?" He bites into his bottom lip, keeps a hold on her arm. It's about as serious as Andy's seen him. "I know I haven't been Swarek's biggest fan. But that wasn't my role." Nick locks his eyes on hers, waits until she stops fidgeting. "But from what I've seen this morning...the way he looks at you..."
"Don't," Andy cuts in angrily. "Please." She shakes her head, frustrated at the back and forth of her own feelings. A little dismayed at the fact her good mood that had been building is starting to crumble again. "I just...I can't let myself hope more than I already do."
Nick blows out a long breath, nods in understanding. He does get it too, it's not like he hasn't been there himself on the odd occasion. He kicks himself mentally that he's not sticking strictly to break-up buddy duties. "You're right," he says, breaking the tension. "No more talking about Swarek." He tips his chin towards the coffee station. "You wanna caffeinate first?"
Andy grabs him by the arm, immediately starts pulling him towards the machine as she rolls her eyes. "You have to ask?"
Sam is surprised to find Cruz in Frank's office when he walks past; he was convinced she was stuck with Peck and speed traps. Thought she got a pass for parade so they could get an early start.
His brow furrows as he watches her talk between Frank and Noelle. He looks around for Peck, wonders if there might be a problem with her –
"Sam," Marlo pops her head around the doorframe. "These two are free for tonight. Supper at mine."
There's not a whole lot about what Marlo's just said that soothes the crease in his brow. He opens his mouth to answer, but is met by Cruz who pushes up to her toes and gives him a kiss.
Sam doesn't miss the mild surprise on the faces of the boss and Williams. In fact, that glass they're standing behind must've had a good clean this morning, because he sees the shape and arc of both sets of eyebrows crystal clear. Even Ninja looks as though she has a pout on her face.
Sam gives Cruz a practiced grin. "Okay..." Marlo is warming up to something more than casual between them, and he's definitely going to need to figure out some words that might address that... but he figures no harm, no foul with the dinner. He'd really like to catch up with Frank and Noelle. And, if things get too 'coupley' he can always excuse himself -
"It'll be nice to get to know Ninja a little better too," he suggests out loud and more to himself.
Marlo smiles big. "Your quality time with Olivia will have to wait..." she replies, rubbing a hand down his side. "Apparently McNally put in an offer to babysit not even five minutes ago. It's just the four of us. Noelle and Frank could use some 'adult time', if you know what I mean."
Sam has no idea really. Well. He assumes the baby takes up a lot of their waking and sleeping hours, so he guesses a break from that once in a while would be welcome. "Oh," he huffs out, a little disappointed. In between his runaway thoughts of how Andy and the baby might spend their time tonight, Sam manages to pull himself together. "Should I bring anything?"
Marlo still hasn't taken the smile off her face, despite the wide range of expressions Sam is undoubtedly shooting her way. She squeezes at his hand, tells Sam pretty loudly; "An overnight bag."
Fight, flight, or freeze; Sam knows every response. He's used every single one in the past. He'd like to think his auto response is that of 'fight' but if he's actually honest with himself, he'd have to say his whole life has been littered with 'flight'. On this occasion, that's what every part of his brain and body are telling him to do. But the way Cruz has got her hand on his arm right now has knocked him off course –
He can't move from the spot.
It's not until Noelle comes out to say hello properly, that Sam blinks and takes a step in the direction of her and the baby, reaching his arms out to them to shake Marlo's off.
Williams greets him with a wink and a grin. "Sammy, Sammy. Still can't get used to it," she announces, shakes her head from side to side as she eyes the badge on his hip. "I really never thought I'd see the day."
Sam rolls his eyes, knows he's in for some ribbing. When she first heard about him writing the detective's exam, she threatened to take him suit shopping. He shot that down REAL quick, still didn't stop her from emailing him pictures for a week straight though. And thank God the catalogues stopped showing up last month; he still owes her for all the phone calls it took to get his name off the mailing lists.
"How's it working for you anyway?" She continues, "You really okay out of the action, sitting by, jumping when you get the call?"
Sam blinks a few times quickly, tries to get a read on exactly what she's getting at here. "You know there's more to it than that."
She gives a quick shrug of one shoulder. "Yeah, maybe," she allows, "but you did give up a few things in the process too."
Sam doesn't like thinking about what he gave up, tries to focus on what he has, what's better, but for the life of him nothing comes to mind right now.
Noelle turns to Marlo. "I'll check with McNally and let you know. Girl like that doesn't just sit around." She steals a quick glance over at Sam, watches the tense set of his jaw. "If we're lucky though, she hasn't got a better offer."
When his eyes fly up to hers, she winks again before she pats him once on the cheek. "See you later, Sammy."
She flips on her heel. "McNally!"
Andy practically pulls Nick all the way to the coffee, on a mission to put some space between her and Sam, who was just ambushed by Cruz outside Frank's office. She does not need to see what that's all about, has seen more than enough around the barn to last her a lifetime.
Nick humours her, lets her lead the way, knows his job right now, even acts as a bit of a shield by standing tall and shifting his body to block the view. Even though he wouldn't mind getting a good look himself, testing out his theory, seeing just how Swarek looks at Cruz.
Andy's already busied herself pressing buttons on the machine, shoves a coffee into Nick's hand before starting in on the machine again. She's just plucking her own cup from the appliance when they hear Cruz' voice ring out loudly with "an overnight bag".
Andy's coffee sloshes over the side of her cup when she jumps at the implication she's been trying so hard to avoid. Nick hears her huff out a humourless chuckle and what sounds like the word 'hopeless'. He sets his coffee down, pulls hers from her hand, sets it on the counter before he hands her a towel. He swipes up the small mess from the floor, waits for her to get her hands dry before he hands her back her cup.
"Thanks," Andy mumbles.
"Anytime," Nick replies, placing a soft hand on her back to guide her forward. "We gotta…"
He watches Andy steal a peek towards Frank's office. They both watch on as Noelle pats Sam once on the cheek before she turns away. Cruz has already taken her place, all up close and personal with Sam.
"McNally!" Noelle calls out.
Andy's eyes jump from Sam over to Noelle; they widen when Frank joins her and adds. "McNally, Collins will fill you in."
Andy nods, can't get out the 'yes sir' before he's moved on to his next target. "Cruz, aren't you meant to be somewhere else?"
Andy bites the inside of her cheek when Marlo jumps and scurries down the hall with a 'yes sir' of her own. It's kind of nice to see someone else on the hot seat for a change.
Frank extends his hand towards the parade room. "Gentlemen."
As soon as the boys are gone, Andy looks back over at Noelle who doesn't waste any time getting to her point. "You got plans for tonight?"
Andy furrows her brow and shrugs. "Not really, probably hit the gym for a bit after work, then maybe the Penny, that's about it," she shrugs.
"I know it's short notice and you JUST offered," Noelle acknowledges, "but I was wondering if you could watch Olivia tonight. If you can't that's fine," she rushes to assure Andy, "we can just take her with us for supper, but..."
"No, no, you guys go," Andy interjects, "have a nice romantic dinner, enjoy some time alone."
Noelle's eyes drop down for a second before they lock onto Andy again. "Cruz invited us over," she confesses, wouldn't blame Andy if she turned her down flat.
Andy tries to smile, but it doesn't quite get there. "Sam too." It's more of a statement than a question.
Noelle blows out a slow breath. "Yeah," she confirms, though she's pretty sure it's unnecessary.
"Double Date," Andy labels wistfully.
Noelle flashes her dimples, leans down close even though no one is around. "Intervention."
The rest of Sam's day goes way too quick for his liking -
He wants to spend some more time focusing on details of the case at hand, but instead he clashes with both Nash and their witnesses, doesn't ever really get a groove on in terms of sinking his teeth in, and making sense of the evidence they have -
Young man found dead in his apartment, no obvious motives or enemies anywhere to be found. The guy seemed to have it all together; good job, fiancée he was about to marry, nice mix of friends…but still, something doesn't add up.
There is one consolation to Sam's dilemma though; the fact that he's so focused on what's right there in front of him means he hasn't caught a breath. Hasn't thought about McNally or Marlo, or how the hell he might address some concerns to the latter later tonight.
It's only when Nash taps his shoulder around 5:30 that Sam even stops to look at the time.
"Why don't you get out of here," she suggests pretty curtly - about as short with Sam as he was with her earlier on in the day.
"Gonna keep looking over things," he replies. Muttering and huffing despite the fact he's trying hard to improve his attitude toward his partner. After all, it's not her fault things with this case aren't going as planned -
"Look too hard and you're gonna miss the facts." Nash's voice is more level than the words would suggest.
When Sam looks up from the tragic images in front of him, he sees some genuine concern on her face.
"No I'm not," he argues petulantly, even though he gets the niggling feeling that she might be right.
"Seriously, Swarek," Nash persists, infuriatingly calm. "Give yourself some time and space tonight, I can guarantee that tomorrow morning you'll be looking at things with a fresh set of eyes."
Sam barely manages to school his features. He lets out a dry laugh. He stands up and grabs his jacket, gives Nash a pointed glare. "You nag Leo like this?"
She stays firm in her spot, crosses her arms. "Only when he needs a point of view that's clearer than his."
When Sam makes his way down the stairs Cruz is waiting. She's freshly showered and greets him brightly with another soft kiss on the lips.
"Hey," Sam says, fairly well exhausted. He doesn't have the energy to say a whole lot more than that.
Cruz does the talking for him, thankfully. Her firm directions filling the room; "so, I have to go get a few groceries, but come over whenever you're ready. Here are the keys."
She holds a hand out, dangling the cluster of shiny objects in front of him.
Sam's eyes bounce between them and her eyes.
He decides then and there, they're not what he wants. If he took them now, Sam knows they'd hang heavy in his pocket. Call it gut instinct, but he just knows he never wants to let himself into Marlo's house. He doesn't want whatever responsibility she's offering up, because it just doesn't feel right –
"I'll be a couple of hours anyway," he replies quietly, not wanting to make a scene at the station. "What time will Frank and Noelle be there?"
Marlo's brow furrows. There's more concern on her face than Sam's seen since he met her. "7:30," she stutters. "Everything okay?"
Sam opens his mouth to tell her they'll talk later tonight, but then Cruz goes full speed ahead - answers the question she just asked him all by herself. "Hard day, huh?" Doesn't wait for a response on that one either, just barges ahead; "Well, don't worry," she smiles, raising an eyebrow "by the time I've finished with you tonight, you'll be far more relaxed."
With that, she tugs at his shirt to give him a last kiss goodbye, turning on a heel straight after so she misses the look that passes over Sam's face.
His features are no longer the relaxed, easy, safe they were a few weeks ago; they are tense and annoyed.
He scratches at his chest, cuts off a look he was just being given by Ollie who was watching on from a distance by telling him "don't".
He's too busy glaring at his buddy to notice that Army Boy has a pretty good vantage point too. Sees everything clear as a bell.
Andy checks her watch for what feels like the hundredth time today, takes a glance over her shoulder before she pulls into the turning lane. Finally, finally, they can head back in.
Could this day have been any longer?
(The second they left the barn, she was praying for it to be busy. God what kind of cop wishes for a crime spree? She needed it though - one of those days where you just run from call to call to call with no time to think in between. You just GO. MOVE. REACT.
But of course the universe is still conspiring against her.
The one day, okay maybe not just the one but still, she just needs to move, to keep moving, and do something other than think. And seriously? Two callouts...two. They weren't nearly enough to stop her from imagining and reimagining everyone's big plans for the night. She purses her lips together tightly. Double date with the boss and then a sleepover.)
Andy's grip tightens on the steering wheel as she rolls her eyes.
God she really needs to stop thinking about it.
Still, it's what she does. Overthinks. Every. Little. Thing. Except right now this doesn't feel so little.
She huffs out a long, loud breath, waves Nick off when he gives her the eye... again.
(Every time she grabbed the radio today, someone beat her to it. By the time afternoon hit, she would have even taken a drunk and disorderly. But no, all she got was a couple tickets and a leisurely walk through the park while they ate their lunch. She must have been really pathetic because Nick even offered to spring for ice cream.
She's pretty sure they both sighed out in relief when the call came in just after lunch for a B&E – just what the doctor ordered – interviews, canvassing, paperwork, home. Except before she could even get her feet on solid ground, Cruz shows up out of nowhere and steals it right out from under them, walks around like she owns the damn place. Decides right then and there she's got it covered, is sure Nick and Andy's efforts would be better spent elsewhere.)
Andy's knuckles are turning white against the wheel. Nick resolves that the paperwork is on him tonight, knows she needs some good solid time in the gym if she's going to be in any state of mind to take care of someone other than herself tonight.
When they come to a rest and she finally lets it go, she has to open and close her hands a few times to get the circulation going again. She really needs to get rid of some of this energy, to just hit until she can't think about anything anymore.
The only good thing about today being slow is that it will get her to the gym faster, with enough time to get it all out of her system before she has to head over to Frank and Noelle's.
She checks her watch again, is pretty sure if they split the calls they can be done in fifteen minutes.
When they step inside the barn, Andy angles her body towards their desks, but Nick heads her off at the pass. Their shift is done in ten minutes anyway and it will only take him a half hour to push everything through on his own.
That's how she finds herself not fifteen minutes later already staring at the heavy bag. She checks the clock on the wall, figures she's got a good hour. Then she can shower here, grab a bite and head straight over.
She shakes her arms out a little, rolls her head from side to side, starts bouncing up and down on her feet. The first few punches land softly on the bag as she warms up.
She starts to pick up steam when she spies Cruz walking by the window deep in conversation with Gail, who looks none too pleased.
(At least she's not the only one.)
The next blow lands hard; Andy feels it reverberate right down into her chest. (She and Sam never went on a double date with any of his friends.)
She tries to recall if they ever even sat down for a drink together at the Penny with a couple of friends, something that could be construed as a double date. (Nope.) Even in her thoughts the 'p' pops. She lets go of another steady stream of punches.
She tries to work her way through a tricky combination next. (Would he stay over for breakfast? Would they come in together tomorrow?) She almost falls against the bag but finds her balance right at the last second, still doesn't stop the swoop in her stomach though.
She straightens herself back up, bounces around a little 'til she has her bearings straight again. Her mind shifts to the couple in the accident today and she wonders if they ever made it down to St. Catherines.
She's pretty sure she just about swallowed her tongue when the guy started rambling on about how they were going down there so he could meet his girlfriend's family. How they were going to be late and her family would probably hate him now.
Andy wonders not for the first time if Marlo knows about Sarah, has ever met her...
It's all a blur after that until Nick sticks his head in to wish her a good night and tell her she should probably start winding it down.
Andy looks up in a daze; the sweat dripping from her forehead as she checks the clock yet again. (Yep. Time's up.)
She doesn't have the breath to answer right away so she just nods and waves her thanks. Nick's brow furrows for a second before he returns the nod and escorts an irritated Gail down the hall. Apparently he wasn't the only one stuck with the paperwork for the day, and from the sounds of it, she definitely did not volunteer.
Andy grabs her towel from the bench and swipes at her forehead; she is NOT going to venture a glance at her reflection in the glass, does not need to look to know it ain't pretty.
She grabs the spray and some paper towel and gives the bag a quick wipe of its own before shutting off the lights and making her way to the locker room.
When she exits the shower, she feels almost a hundred percent better. Almost. Completely whole or completely perfect is not something she's quite been able to manage since she's been back. Still it's a step in the right direction.
She slides into her jeans and tank top, decides at the last minute to throw her academy hoodie on overtop too. It's going to be a bit of a hike to get where she wants to go so it's best she's prepared.
As she wraps her watch around her wrist, she takes another check of the time. She spent a little longer in the shower than she meant to, so instead of a quick bite at the Penny with her friends, it looks like she's on her own again – grab and go.
She slides her backpack on to her back and ducks out the nearest door. Has no idea if Sam is still there or not but thinks it's best if they don't run into each other. She figures he probably headed home early to change anyway, maybe get a shower…
She ducks into the first fast food place she sees. She's worked up a bit of an appetite. Needs to satisfy the hunger.
Though she probably has enough time, she doesn't sit and eat. There are a couple of small empty tables but for the most part the place is full of couples and families. Doesn't take long to figure it's just better to be out in the fresh air and moving.
She's about a block away when she checks her watch again. After giggling with Noelle about tonight's 'intervention', she assured her she would be there by seven o'clock so they could go through Olivia's routine before she and Frank had to leave.
She's got fifteen minutes to spare. But she doesn't take it.
Noelle ushers her in the door only a couple of seconds after she knocks, and passes Olivia off to her almost immediately before disappearing. She calls out some minor instructions from somewhere down the hall.
It's Frank that actually emerges first, but he doesn't say anything, just watches on as his daughter exchanges bright smiles with the young officer. He likes the relaxed look he sees on both of them, is pretty sure they'll both be fine. Is a little surprised at how much he wants that for McNally too, not just his own.
He feels Noelle's soft hand on his back and matches her easy smile as she slides past him.
"Let me show you where everything is," she offers Andy. "Frank?"
It's easy to see that that they make a good team. He's over to the girls in a couple of steps, grins again as he takes his little girl into his arms. Andy can't help but match his smile even if she doesn't want to let Olivia go.
Once Noelle's shown her around and given her a rundown of a typical night, she decides out loud that they better go. She doesn't say it, but she's pretty sure Sam's counting on them as a bit of a buffer tonight.
There's more than one sad face when they finally open up the door to go, but Noelle assures that everyone and everything is going to be just fine.
"We'll be fine," Andy makes herself agree as she picks up Olivia's little hand and waves it at her parents until the door closes behind them.
Marlo opens the door with a reasonably easy smile. Her eyes are fairly curious though. "Hey," she greets him, running a hand down his arm. "You didn't have to knock, you know?" Her voice is quieter than he's heard it most times before. "Frank and Noelle are already here."
Sam nods, holds out the bottle of wine he picked up on the way over. "Sorry I'm a little late…"
(He's not that sorry actually, he wanted to take some time alone at home to get his head in a space to be clear about tonight…be sociable…but also ready for what might happen after the boss and Williams go home).
He catches the look of disappointment and confusion on Marlo's face as she realizes what he hasn't brought with him tonight. "Not staying over?" she queries, her voice lower still.
"No…" Sam starts, considering sugar-coating things temporarily so the meal they share with Frank and Noelle isn't too frosty. In the end though, Sam figures the waters are muddy enough. "I'll stay for a while after, but then I need… I'd like to go home."
Marlo raises an eyebrow at him, a flush of some red crossing her cheeks. It's probably more than disappointment that she's experiencing right now. "Okay," she says, turning on her heel to lead them down the hallway. She doesn't say a whole lot more after that –
Sam figures she's thinking some things over. He's happy if that's the case. Maybe she'll sense what he feels; that things between them are at a point where it's move forward together, or forward apart. Maybe it will be obvious to her when he tells her which one of those he actually wants.
"Sammy!" Noelle beams, standing up from the table to greet him for the second time today. "Thought I'd arrive to watch you in action with the entrée."
Sam snorts, avoiding Noelle's eyes momentarily to hold out a hand for Frank to shake. "You know I'm not great in other people's kitchens," he replies eventually, reasonably light with his tone.
"Pfft," Noelle snorts back, that petulant tease she uses on Sam sometimes when he's trying to pull one over her. "Some would argue that point. I remember hearing about some tasty desserts that you helped to bake-"
Sam shoots a glare in her direction. Williams' capacity to not pull any punches may be one of the things he likes about her the most, but seemingly not when it's at his expense. "Burned a few things in that arena too," he huffs, perhaps more gruff than he'd like.
It appears that Noelle is about to let him off the hook momentarily. Despite the fact that her eyes narrow, she traps her mouth shut and sits back in her seat.
Frank looks between the pair of them, and then Cruz. Clearly the boss senses some tension at various angles in the room, and feels the need to diffuse the situation. "Well, I'm looking forward to what's on the menu tonight…"
She's not the best cook, Cruz. She tries, but she doesn't seem to quite grasp the concept of balancing flavours. She's cooked for Sam a few times, and he's eaten everything on the plate because of the effort she's put in…and it's not like nothing that was put in front him didn't taste good, it's just –
Generally speaking the dishes veered one way or the other. Too sweet, or too sour.
Still. It's not like Sam is a culinary genius. More often than not he uses way too much salt.
"Need me to help serve up?" Sam asks Marlo, looking around at the neat, orderly kitchen. It's not the first time he's felt a little out of place tonight, but he's not exactly sure why the organized space doesn't help him feel at ease, why the clean surfaces don't give him some sense of comfort…
If anything they actually make him more disoriented, even though he has been in the house quite a few times. But for some reason, he just can't get it out of his head – it should be messier; shouldn't it?
She shakes her head, gesturing a hand toward the chair opposite Noelle. "Go take a seat. I've got everything under control."
She does too, in a way. Have everything under control, that is.
Entrée, main and dessert all come out with precision timing, not a beat missed between. He's not sure how she's managed to produce what she has in the couple of hours since she got off shift and went shopping, but she has.
Still. Sam wasn't wrong. Each course is slightly off-balance with flavours. The dominant theme for tonight's palate is something bordering on irritatingly sweet. She's tried to play to her strengths, which is not a bad thing; each of the Spanish dishes almost works. But not quite –
From the empanadas, to the paella, to the churros…things just get sweeter and sweeter, without much relief.
It matches the syrupy conversation at times. Everything far too polite. Any break in conversation is filled by Cruz, who appears to have at her disposal an endless array of SWAT squad stories –
Sam on the other hand spends far too much time talking all things Ninja, tries not to read too much into anything when Noelle mentions that 'their girl' looked a little sad when they left, like she might be missing out on something.
For what it's worth, Noelle and Frank nod along eagerly to the general conversation, answering all manner of questions about parenthood, as well as a few things about what's next for them. It's not easy work though, not for Sam anyway. He normally likes spending time with the boss and Noelle, but this is…
Different to what he's come to expect.
At one point he flinches severely, the touch of Marlo's hand on his knee taking him by surprise not long after dessert got served up. He feels pretty bad about it actually…
Mainly that he couldn't figure his shit out earlier. Couldn't figure out that his heart wasn't all the way in it. He's pretty damn annoyed, really. He may have enjoyed getting to know her, may have liked how easy things were at the start –
But, something has never felt quite right about going along for the ride.
Even before McNally got back –
He shakes his head, an attempt to clear his mind from wandering in that particular direction. He doesn't want to think about the jumble of thoughts he's got about her…them…
And definitely does not want to think about what she's doing right now.
Olivia smells amazing.
When Andy arrived almost an hour ago, Noelle had already taken care of all the formalities. Olivia was fed, bathed, powdered and dressed up in these cute little footsie pajamas. She was the picture of perfect.
And then when Noelle passed her over and Andy got a whiff, it was almost intoxicating. She couldn't wait to get her back from Frank when they had to leave.
She actually spends the better part of the first hour just breathing in every hint of that make your ovaries ache, can't find the snooze button on the biological clock, new baby smell that just unknots everything and makes it all right with the world.
She is just… it's hard to describe, but whatever it is Andy wants to bottle it all up for those nights when everything just feels too hard to deal with.
She snuggles Olivia in close and takes another deep breath. This time though, the little girl gets this look on her face and it's not a lot unlike the one her dad gets when Andy breaks out the Sam Swarek guide to coloring. It's the one that tells Andy that her choices might not be the best ones right now.
Andy huffs out a surprised chuckle when the look instantly morphs into an exact replica of Noelle… just about any time she has to deal with Dov. Andy knows without a doubt that her patience with her has run out.
She smiles as she lays a blanket out onto the floor and then the little girl. She really is the perfect combination of both of her parents.
Andy kneels down right at Olivia's feet and rests an elbow on either side of the little girl, propping herself up so she's directly above her at eye level. Andy chuckles softly at the look Olivia is giving her right now; clearly she got that one from her mother too.
Andy smiles big at the little girl before she covers up her face with her hands and hides it for a few seconds. When she lets her hands swing open, she utters a quiet, "peeeek."
Olivia narrows her eyes, watching intently as Andy quickly covers her face up once again… and waits.
This time Andy slides her hands out to the side to reveal her smiling face, offers Olivia up another "peeeeek." This time a little bit louder.
The little girl appears to be slightly bemused by Andy, like she wants to smile but isn't quite sure about it. She's definitely not looking away though.
Andy conceals her face and eyes with her hands once again, but this time she doesn't hold them there, just drops them to the little girl's tummy with a startling "BOO!"
Eyes wide, Olivia's reaction is full on dimples and giggles.
Andy's, on the other hand, is not.
In fact she's already got herself pushed up and done with the game. And her eyes are even wider than Olivia's right now as she tries her best to slow her racing heart.
It takes her a few seconds and more than one deep breath, but she finally gets herself under control. She shakes her head. It's stupid really because everything went according to plan. Olivia was supposed to giggle and she was supposed to smile…
but there was the dimples and the BOO and... it just ends up being a lot more than Andy bargained for.
She quickly slides an activity centre over so that it's now directly above Olivia and thankfully she immediately starts to reach for the brightly coloured animals hanging above her. Her small padded feet start to kick and the dimples once again dance in her perfectly rounded cheeks.
Andy can't help herself as she traces the outline of the tiny little indentations. She doesn't even know she's crying 'til a drop hits her outstretched arm. She shakes her head furiously as she swipes away the possibility of any further tears… and any thoughts of what the future may or may not hold.
When Olivia starts to fuss a few minutes later, Andy takes a peek up at the clock on the stove. (The girl knows her schedule.)
She lifts the toy out of the way and then scoops Olivia up into her arms, tries to be discreet as she takes another slow deep breath on their way to the kitchen. She shifts Olivia onto her hip when she pulls open the refrigerator door and reaches for a bottle.
She's got it set up to warm before she ventures down the hall for one last change; Olivia's not crying but she's also not a happy camper. Thankfully, by the time they get back to the kitchen, the bottle is ready and waiting because the little girl is already reaching for it.
Andy doesn't have the heart to make her wait. Hands it over as soon as she's tested it.
Olivia snuggles herself into Andy's chest and is suckling quietly before they even make it back to the hallway. As Andy settles into the rocking chair in the corner of the nursery, she takes another deep breath and closes her eyes. The warmth in her chest is almost indescribable. It's not like she hasn't ever thought about it; she even made a joke about it to Sam once. But for the first time… she feels like she can actually picture it.
A single tear makes a slow trail down the side of her face.
"Everything okay over there, Swarek?" Noelle enquires with some eyebrows up high. She drags the plate of churros from out of his reach, and picks up one for herself. "You look as though you might've had enough," she says casually, dipping the winding dessert into chocolate.
Sam catches the wide-eyed stare Frank gives his partner, and also spots the look of confusion on Cruz. "Yeah, pretty much," Sam mutters in reply eventually. "It's probably time to let some things digest."
"Thanks so much for tonight, Cruz," Frank says, patting Marlo on the arm and giving her a warm smile at the door an hour after they've finished up with dinner.
Noelle grins as well; despite the fact she's been on Sam's case like a terrier, she's been nothing short of friendly to Cruz. "Always good to exercise the baby brain with some intelligent adult conversation." Williams puts a hand out and pats at Sam's cheek. "Maybe that means next time we'll leave Swarek with the baby, really let loose."
Sam chokes out a laugh, shaking his head at his good friend and colleague. He resolves to pay her back at a later date – for better or worse.
"That was nice," Marlo says warmly, looking Sam up and down. She's got her back up against the front door having just closed it, doesn't look like she'll let Sam out any time soon. "They're…nice."
Sam nods, puts his hands in his pockets and wonders how to take the next step. "They're good friends to me," he replies slowly. "They've been through a lot…"
Marlo smiles small at him, nodding in return. She trawls her eyes over Sam's form, arches her back enough for him to know what she might want.
"I can't do this," he says suddenly; voice a whole lot calmer than what he thought it might be. There's no pre-emptive warning, no warm up, no nothing that might make this easy on her. "I…I'm sorry…" he says, averting his eyes from hers for a few seconds while he feels like a jerk.
"What…?"
When he looks back at Marlo's face, she is confused. To the point where he wonders whether any one has ever broken up with her. To the point where he wonders whether she has ever not got what she wants.
Sam takes his hands out of his pockets. He genuinely likes this woman. He respects her a lot. He wants to try and do this properly, hopes they can salvage something out of the things they actually do have in common. "Can we…" he says, hitching a thumb over his shoulder. "Can we sit down for a bit?"
Marlo nods, still shell-shocked. She walks forward eventually, leads Sam into the dark of the lounge room and then turns on a light.
Sam waits until she's seated, sits himself beside her but a cushion away. He wrings at his hands and looks to his knees for some help. He practiced the speech on the way over here in the truck, but only remembers three or four words. Still, he thinks he does okay, all things considered. He's pretty sure he relays his point:
"When we started this thing up…I thought we agreed. I thought we both wanted casual, no strings attached."
"We did," she agrees, a light edge of terse in her voice. "But I didn't expect that after almost two months of 'casual', we'd get stuck in that spot."
Sam nods. He concedes the point, has been down this path with relationships before. He wants to keep things light and easy and under control…they want to take the next step. It's probably reasonable too, that someone would want to do that. It's just…
It's always been a hard step for Sam to take, trusting someone like that. Letting people further into his life than what is comfortable…or even letting himself too far into theirs….
"I'm sorry," he says quietly, putting his face in his palms. "I told you what I was coming out of….I don't want to head into something…."
"So. Are you saying, if we keep things casual…?" Marlo interjects, swivelling her body his way.
Sam shakes his head. "No." He's annoyed with himself for confusing the point. "No, Marlo. I want to end it…I want to end whatever this thing is that we've got going on."
She snorts at him, laughing as she throws back her head. "We were becoming a couple, Sam." She raises her voice further. "God. We've been getting to know one another, we've been spending time together, having fun…"
"Okay…I get it," he cuts her off, scrubbing one hand all the way from his face to his chest. "That's what we were…but I never wanted any more than that…it's not working for me…we're not…. right…" He catches his breath for a second, determined to slow his roll down. Make this make sense.
"I like you, I respect you, I think you're a great person, a great cop….but I just don't want this…I don't want an us." Sam is still talking at a rapid fire pace and in circles despite his best efforts, it's completely not who he is. But he just wants to get the message through to her, make her see what he's getting at here.
"This is about her, isn't it?" Marlo is definitely growing angrier by the minute; she's practically up on her feet and standing over him now. "God!" she half-shouts, some tears in her eyes. "You told me it was in the past…"
"It was," Sam interrupts, focussing on keeping his voice level. "It is." The words tear something inside of him as he says them. He bites his lip as he thinks about 'buttoning' everything he and Andy had up like that, but it is the truth. He may still have feelings for her, may still be in love with her for godsake…but as far as he knew, it was over. As far as he knows, it is over. "But I…I guess... I do still have feelings for her…"
He doesn't know why he makes the confession. He doesn't mean to hurt Marlo by letting loose words that might lead her to compare herself to Andy…
"Look," he makes another attempt at keeping things calm and as clear as he can. "Everything about me…about McNally…about us…it's complicated." He huffs out a laugh, sad at the thought that if the situation with Andy never gets resolved, a whole lot of people are going to get very hurt…most of all them. "Okay. Andy coming back has…has me trying to resolve some things…but this…you and me…it's not her fault. How I feel about you…or her…or what I do or don't want…I can't help it, okay?"
Sam swallows, sucks in some air. He holds out a hand to rub down Cruz's shoulder, an attempt to comfort her, but she brushes him off. "I'm sorry that I've hurt you, Marlo. It was wrong of me to keep trying to be and do some things that I'm not." He licks at his lips, blinks his eyes against the force of empathy he feels for Cruz as things come to an end. "I do hope we can be good friends and colleagues," he says gently, hands back in his pockets. "I hope you can see how hard I've thought about this."
She looks up at him, expression glazing over as she sucks in her cheeks and tries a fake tiny smile. "Sure. Sure." She clears her throat. "Probably best that you leave now, Sam. I don't want to say anything I might regret at some other point."
She walks past him, leading them back in the direction of the front door. Holds the thing open and gives him a light pat on the shoulder as he makes his way out. "Sam…" she calls out when he's down from the stoop.
Sam turns around, looking back up at her. "Yeah?"
"I know you're confused right now…I know you've got a lot going on…but for what it's worth, I'm a patient woman."
Sam's brow furrows, as he considers whether he needs to come out with words that leave no room for anything, ever, even friendship between them. He lets it go, mainly because he knows she's feeling angry and hurt right now. He trusts that she's a grown up, she's experienced. One thing he does know about her is that she's resilient. She's been through tougher times than a break up of a casual relationship. Tomorrow morning she will be resolved to moving on with her life.
"And I think we'd make a great team."
Sam opens his mouth to respond, there's really only one team he can see himself part of. But decides in the end that he just needs to get going. He needs to leave her alone to process this, and he needs to be alone too. "Bye, Cruz," he holds a hand up in a farewell salute eventually.
He turns on his heel after she raises an arm to wave as well, practically jogs to the truck. He gets inside the safety of the cabin, turns on the engine, and turns up some heat.
He also turns on the radio, gets some music up loud so he can clear his head before the next round of thinking begins.
Marlo watches the tail lights of Sam's truck disappear into the night.
If she's perfectly honest with herself, she should have seen this coming. Did see this coming-
What started out as an easy friendship and having a good time, has ebbed into her working a little harder for his attention this past couple of weeks.
Still. She's somewhere in the vicinity of shocked and pissed off right now –
She's a little gobsmacked actually. Can't believe that Sam would even consider that they wouldn't work out. They're similar in so many ways…
And the fact that he's still caught up on McNally is just plain ridiculous. The rookie may be pretty, but from what Marlo has seen, she's got a whole lot to learn.
She walks back inside and pours herself a glass of wine, takes some time in the kitchen to reflect on tonight (and the past couple of months). Eventually, she decides to grant Sam a pass. Of course the guy is confused right now…God only knows what seeds McNally might have planted into his brain since she's been back.
Whatever the case, Marlo is convinced that they had a good thing going, that all signs pointed to something that could be better than any relationship she's had before.
She nods to herself and decides to have one last bash at it, show Sam what she's all about and… do something that will show him he is missing out if he goes down this path.
Marlo is resolved –
Tomorrow she will fight for what she wants.
Andy has no idea how much time has passed when she finally lays the little girl down in her crib. She's almost surprised when she looks at her watch.
She's guessing that Frank and Noelle will be home shortly, but she can't quite decide if it's better if they get home early or late, doesn't want to think about the implications either way.
She eases the door to almost closed as she backs out of the room and heads down the hallway. She switches on the TV as she flops down onto the couch; she's got her head resting against the arm of the sofa when she starts to surf her way through the channels.
Her finger stalls for a second when the tail end of the The Parent Trap flashes up on the screen. She remembers watching it the year her mother left, remembers wishing more than anything that there was some way she could get her parents back together.
She finds it more than a little ironic that it's fifteen years later and she still wonders if it's possible for people to find their way back to each other. Really, really hopes that it is.
When she hears the key in the lock, she quickly flips the TV off and swipes at a stubborn tear before jumping to her feet. She's in the kitchen rinsing out her glass and splashing cold water on her face when she hears Noelle call out for her.
"How was she?" Noelle greets Andy, putting her bag on the table.
Andy wipes her hands and steadies her breathing before she turns to face her colleague properly. "She's the best," Andy can't help but smile softly as she says it.
Noelle grins back at Andy; it takes her a few seconds to catch up with the pun, but when she does Andy's cheeks flush pink and she can't help the giggle that escapes her mouth. (Truer words apparently…)
The baby may have had some expectations, but meeting them was a walk in the park compared to the pressure Andy puts on herself most days. "How was dinner?"
Noelle walks further into the kitchen, puts the kettle on and pulls out a few cups. She turns and grins at Andy, gives her a friendly wink; "You askin' because you want to know if Frank and I had a good time, or whether Sammy did?"
Andy lowers her gaze and blushes. Noelle's tone was far from mean or annoyed, it was honest and curious, with a hint of a tease. She meets Noelle's eyes again eventually, hears Frank enter the room. She decides she might as well see the light in her situation, raises her eyebrow and gives Noelle a lopsided smirk in return. "A little of both?"
Noelle grins bigger then. "Have a cup of tea with us, McNally, and then Frank will drive you home."
Frank and Noelle's recap of dinner is hard going on Andy in some respects, but it also leaves her feeling…like maybe all is not lost.
Frank is reasonably quiet, focusing more on the leaves of his tea. Every now and then though, he contributes to the story, emphasising a point that Noelle has just made.
Andy admires the fact that the couple maintains a respectful balance between what is and is not appropriate to be said given the whole sorry saga that is currently Andy and Sam. They don't, for example, bitch and gripe about Marlo's apparent lack of cooking skills. Instead, they highlight how deft and organized she was in the kitchen, but that some of the food wasn't quite to their taste.
When it comes to relaying conversations and behaviour, they tell Andy that they always love catching up with Sam outside of work, and that they also enjoyed getting to know Marlo a little bit better. The woman certainly sounds as though she's had some interesting experiences, professionally at least.
It's not until they're washing the cups up that Noelle imparts some key observations and her not-so-gentle wisdom; "Sammy was definitely struggling with some things on his plate," she tells Andy conversationally. "Aside the times he was enjoying stories about Olivia, he seemed a little lost in his thoughts."
Andy hangs up the tea towel she was just holding. She lets the words sink in and wonders what type of things might've been on Sam's mind. She's annoyed that her heart rate picks up immediately, this sense of hope and anxiety in equal amounts. Maybe he's realizing that his relationship with Cruz is not what he wants…
But then she remembers that Sam is probably staying overnight, and maybe those thoughts (and any concerns that he does have) will be released in a way Andy can't even begin to –
"Time and space, McNally." Noelle interrupts the downward spiral Andy is headed toward. "No doubt you yourself have come to learn that, like the rest of us, Sam isn't the savant he may have actually appeared to be on those two things."
Andy raises her eyebrows; curious as to the depth of personal conversations Sam and Noelle may have had in the past.
"None of us are experts, Andy," Noelle continues. "But what I can tell you is that I've seen him trying some different approaches lately. I think he knows himself that some of his previous and current methods haven't worked."
Andy looks back down to the lino, reflecting on the fact that for as much as she hasn't liked the ways that Sam has tried to change, she can't really say that she's got it right either. She raises her eyes again slowly, sees Noelle and Frank both staring back. She doesn't really know how to respond in the moment, other than to nod her head in understanding.
It does get her thinking some more though –
The drive home with Frank is a quiet one, save for the soft music playing on the radio. The distance of the drive gives her time to consider whether she should just try talking to Sam again…
Maybe…she can pluck up the courage…tell him that if there is definitely no chance for them ever, she will do whatever it takes, assuming he will, at just working on being good colleagues and friends –
Because if it's one thing that Andy does know with every part of her being: It's that she doesn't want to lose him for good.
Andy peers out the side window into the dark neighbourhood, realizes that for some reason Frank's taken the long way around. She shrugs it off after a second, figures he's in the know about traffic and incidents, every hour of his day.
Her heart starts to race again though when she realizes the street they're on now. This is Sam's neighbourhood, and when they pass his house, she is surprised by two things at least; she spots his truck parked out front immediately, and as she looks up to his house, one single light…the light of his kitchen is shining back at her…like some beacon of hope.
Andy feels her cheeks flush with the mere thought of the possibility that he's not laying in bed with Cruz right now. But still, it's confusing, because there are so many reasons as to why him not being with Marlo right now might be the case.
She wishes like crazy that she could tell Frank to stop, and then she'd go knock on Sam's door…ask him why the hell he's at home –
But. Andy knows that is ridiculous, after all she doesn't want to look like a complete lovesick fool in front of her boss. She also knows…or hopes at least…that this is Sam trying yet another approach…a type of time and space that doesn't crush Andy's heart.
"Thanks for the ride," Andy says softly as Frank pulls up outside her apartment a little while later.
Frank looks over at her, cutting the engine but leaving his parking lights on. "I'll wait down here until you switch on your lights."
Andy nods, understands his concern over past traumatic events. "As soon as I open the door…"
Frank smiles small, continuing with his own bobbing head. "Sleep well, McNally. Tomorrow, I'm expecting to see that Lion's Heart you're famous for."
Sam doesn't often drink hot drinks late at night.
But for some reason, this evening he had an urge to sip slowly at some tea. He rubs his thumb over the rim of the cup he's holding, annoyed with himself that the first one he reached for is the one McNally used to use all the time.
He closes his eyes and breathes out once or twice.
Breaking things off with Cruz was neither easy nor hard. It was difficult because he knows it was messy, he works with her for godsake. They're going to have to learn to get past the awkwardness as quick as they can, be professional and friendly at least. By the same token, tonight for the first time in a while, Sam feels a little more like himself –
He is confident in being alone with his thoughts, can breathe without worrying what someone else might expect out of him.
Still. It's not to say he's skipping along easy street here. His jumble of thoughts contain a whole lot of McNally, and every expression she's ever had on her face.
He has no idea why he can't just get over her. They're undeniably incapable of being together, no matter how one or the other might feel –
He thinks back to that night at the bar, the heartbreak he felt when he (thought) she'd sent a message through her non-appearance: no going back.
He shakes his head, angry with himself now. Why couldn't he read her mind back then? Why couldn't he hold on to that tiny smile she gave him before he left her at the station? Why couldn't he be inside her head over this past 6 months?
All Sam can think now is that they both suck at transmitting and receiving messages, and he doesn't even know what to do about that.
As he takes his shirt off to get into bed and stare at the ceiling a while longer, he resolves himself to another round of trying. Yes, trying to be friendly, professional, and with a new set of boundaries with Cruz. Yes, trying to be a better detective. But more importantly: Yes, trying to read signs better, especially when they come from the person he loves.
Up next: Gloves on, gloves off, gloves on...?