A/N: Thanks for continuing to read and review guys! We realise last chapter's ending may have been a little controversial...frustrating even for some ;) There are reasons it headed that way of course...

to the twitter peeps who have been smacked across the face with that spoiler today, this one is up early for you...

They might have us against the ropes, but we will NEVER give up this fight.

Co-written with dcj

Disclaimer: We don't own Rookie Blue

'Against the Ropes'

Reality show? You can't find anything better than boxing because of the trials and errors, the ups and downs, the struggle when you get knocked down to get back up. Use it symbolically and interchangeably for life. - Don King

"Andy…Andy…Andy…" It's Sam that catches her in the slim space she's trying to weave her way through. When he has her shoulders in the firm grip of his hands, he manages to look into her eyes. She looks…horrified. He lowers his voice, wants to calm her down. "You okay?"

Andy wrestles out of the hold he has on her, averting his gaze; "Sorry…I'm so sorry…I didn't mean…"

He rubs his hands up and down her arms, trying to get eye contact with her again and tell her it'll all be okay. She won't look at him though, more than likely embarrassed and feeling bad about how things have transpired.

She breaks free eventually. "Sorry…tell her I'm sorry…Sam…" she chokes out, and then breaks into another run.

Sam tries to follow her, but it's Oliver that holds him back. "Time and space, buddy…"

Sam clenches his jaw, glares at Shaw. "I wanna know what Cruz said," he barks at Oliver. "McNally doesn't just snap…" If Cruz has said anything to McNally that might destroy any progress that's been made this past couple of days… He is furious at the thought of it. It's one thing for Marlo to blame him for what happened between them, but her dragging Andy into this is unacceptable. "Go check on her," Sam tells Oliver, pushing him in the direction of the change rooms. "Tell her I'm coming in soon, whether she wants to see me or not."

"Are you alright?" Sam manages to enquire with some sense of polite to Cruz when he gets to her corner. Checking on her health is not the main reason he's here...but...he can't bring himself to stoop to the level she clearly did. He also doesn't like the thought of her incurring a serious injury. At least she's now sitting upright though, so that's a good sign.

The referee is in the centre of the ring conversing with the judges, no prizes at guessing that Andy is the winner overall.

She rubs at her stomach and takes a couple of breaths in, looks at Sam sideways. "What do you care, Swarek? You're clearly getting back together with her and McNally's the winner."

Sam shakes his head, opening his mouth to reply. He sucks in some oxygen to help his brain out, puts his hands on his hips. "I get that you're hurt, Marlo. But I begged you to lay off McNally. I wanted you and me to be friends…for all of us…just…to get along…" He chews at his bottom lip, lets out a dry laugh. "You need to tell me what the hell you said to her."

Marlo snorts. "Let me guess. That was the first question you really wanted to ask." She looks him up and down. "The girl packs a punch, but I'll be good as new in a minute, thank you very much."

Sam taps his foot, still waiting for an answer to his other question. He folds his arms; worried he might try to shake it out of Cruz. "What did you say?" he repeats slowly.

"Concerned I might've screwed up your chances for a happy reunion?" she raises an eyebrow at him. She laughs at the stare he gives her. "God. You really are hopelessly in love with the girl, aren't you?"

Sam keeps staring, has no interest in divulging anything personal to his colleague ever again. "Are you gonna give me an answer, or not?" he asks again, voice going cooler by the second.

Marlo hmphs, and shakes her head. "I'll let her tell you the gory details, Swarek. No doubt you want to hear her side of things anyway."

Sam turns on his heel and pushes past Marlo's trainer, picks up some pace as he considers the possibility that he and McNally are all of a sudden back at square one.

Marlo watches his retreating figure with some curiosity. She's got to give the pair some credit. They may be a mismatch and doomed as far as she's concerned, but there's something between them that obviously keeps bringing them back together.

She throws her head back and laughs at herself – cannot for the life of her believe she let her emotions run away over some guy. She's still dirty about the fact that McNally won the bout, but she knows that she was been beaten by the better…or at least, more determined…fighter on the night.

She resolves herself to standing and smiling at the crowd. They may have seen one chink in her armour tonight, but she refuses to let them see any more. She hopes Frank can forgive her for the little indiscretion, hopes things can be relatively normal for her when she turns up to 15 in the morning…albeit a little bit bruised.

Whatever happens, Marlo will keep smiling. Because that's what you do. You pick yourself up, dust yourself off…

And go after a different prize.

Andy is seconds away from the sanctuary of the change room when she hears her name being called behind her. If it was anyone else, she would have probably just ignored them. But she knows how much it would hurt him if she did, knows she has to man up to what she did, and knows he can't follow her in.

She swipes at the tears in her eyes and then closes them for a second as she takes a deep breath. She spins on her feet and pushes as much cheer into her voice as she can. "Heyyy."

He catches the glint of a tear in her eye and his brow furrows with confusion and worry. "What's wrong Officer Andy? Why aren't you happy? You won!" Jesse crows proudly.

She purses her lips into a soft smile. "Yeah, I did… I just… I shouldn't have…" She really doesn't know how she is going to explain this. She is supposed to be a role model for the kids that come to the community centre, that's what this night is all about. And she basically just lost it in front of… everyone. Pretty much did the exact opposite of what they are trying to teach these kids.

Andy pulls in a long breath, tries to sort her way through her thoughts a little. "Remember how Nick told you last week that fighting wasn't going to solve anything."

"Yeah," Jesse agrees slowly. He's a little confused because she was boxing, which is pretty much fighting but it's like with permission.

"That you shouldn't let your temper get the best of you," Andy continues.

Jesse nods, waits for her to spell it out.

"I know I was supposed to be fighting, but it was also supposed to be for fun… for you kids… it wasn't supposed to be about winning… and… "

Andy's head drops down to her chest; she's really not proud of the way she acted. "I got mad and I shouldn't have… I never wanted to hurt anyone…" She pulls her eyes up to Jesse's, wants to make sure he knows this is the important part. "But that's what happens when you act without taking time to think about it. People get hurt."

She smiles sheepishly as she kicks a little at the floor. "I don't like it when people are hurt because of me; I don't want to hurt anyone… but I did and I'm pretty sure I just disappointed a whole lot of people."

When she finally looks up again, Jesse is smiling at her. She worries that maybe he doesn't understand what she's getting at here, maybe figures she's just another adult that's feeding him the 'do as I say, not as I do' crap. And just when they were getting through to him too.

But he surprises her… completely… gets it and then some.

"Officer Andy, anybody who knows you will figure it out pretty fast. They know you didn't mean to hurt her." He shrugs his bony shoulders up high. "Sometimes it just happens. But like you told me last week – apologize and do better next time."

Andy's smile comes a whole lot easier this time. This kid is definitely one of the good ones. She slides the top of his hat down over his eyes affectionately. "How'd you get to be so smart?"

Jesse's cheeks tinge a little pink at the compliment. "Just lucky I guess."

Andy pushes a little at his shoulder. "Lucky, yeah right," she snorts, "now go on, get outta here, Smarty Pants."

With a grin and a wave, Jesse disappears into the crowd, passes right by another smiling officer.

"You did a good thing, McNally."

Andy huffs out an embarrassed chuckle. "Oh yeah, make you some money did I?"

She did, but that wasn't the point. "I mean right there, with that kid," Oliver explains, nodding at the retreating back. "You may have… lost it a little, but you owned up to it, took responsibility… that's a good thing."

Andy nods, at least she did something right tonight. It's a small consolation though. "How mad is he?" She wonders out loud.

Oliver chuckles to himself, knows exactly who she means. He really can't believe this girl sometimes. Sam's angry all right, that much they all know, but it's definitely not at her.

"Mad…might be one word for it," Oliver grins, rubbing a hand over her shoulder and nudging her in the direction of the change rooms. Yep. Sammy's 'mad' about McNally alright.

He looks at the rookie's face when he hears a loud breath exhaled, realizes by her downcast expression that she doesn't get the joke he just made. He rolls his eyes while she's not watching. Seriously, these two…they're more frustrating than trying to secure bathroom time as the only male in the Shaw household.

He wants to just come out and say it. 'Mad about you. Mad-ly in love with you. Mad with himself for not hanging in there before. Mad with Cruz for working you into this state.' But. Despite all the interference Oliver has been running of late, he knows: Those are not his words to say.

Still. He needs to tend to the foot he just put in his mouth, so he comes up with a compromise that he thinks might work. "I don't believe Sam is angry with you, McNally. But I'll let him tell you that."

Andy shakes her head, eyes going wide. "It's okay, Oliver…I don't expect him to come and tell me…"

Oliver shakes his head. He's not sure where he's got all this patience from, but he's surprisingly calm. "Let him," Oliver says, as a warm and soft as he can. "If he wants to talk. Let him. Isn't that what you want him to do?"

Andy bites into her lip. She flops down to the bench seat. She closes her eyes and pushes her face into her hands. Thinks of all those times she talked too much, the times Sam didn't talk at all. God. Just for the sake of not wanting Sam to see her embarrassed, how can she not want to hear what he might have to say? And also, isn't it a good thing if he wants to give her the opportunity to explain? –

She chastises herself. Time and space is not just about…giving something or someone time and space. It's about knowing when to press and when to keep your distance. Not just waiting for that opening, but being ready to take it when it comes. And maybe, just maybe, knowing when to open yourself up too.

It wasn't only Sam Swarek who was a bona fide savant at shutting people out.

She nods. "I pushed him away out there…when he tried to reach out to me before." A hollow pit forms in the bottom of her stomach, a series of flashbacks to times she's told him she didn't want to talk.

"Tell her I'm coming in soon, whether she wants to see me or not." Oliver repeats Sam's words slowly. "That was his message." He sits down beside her, bumps a friendly shoulder her way. "Doesn't sound to me like he's gonna give in tonight. Sounds to me like he wants to talk, wants to listen. There's the bell; it's time for you both to step up."

Andy shoulder bumps a reply. She could hug Oliver right now. "I'm sweaty," she says without thinking – meaning for it to be an explanation as to why she hasn't got her arms around the man sitting beside her.

"Not that I wanna think about it too hard," Oliver deadpans, standing up and making his way to the door. "But as you know, McNally, I'm a bettin' man. And smart money says that he's ready to throw his hat back in the ring, and all you have to do is accept the challenge. What do you say, McNally? You want a shot at the title?"

Andy's blush practically screams it's way from her neck to her cheeks. She can do nothing about it except hide her face again and laugh. She peeks out from behind her fingers; wants to ensure Oliver gets the credit he deserves for making her feel a little better right now. "Oliver…"

The TO turns on his heel, a grin on his face. "Yup."

"Thanks…for everything."

He winks back at her. "No thanks required, champ." (Seeing his friend happy will be thanks enough.)

He grins a little, there's clearly something else on the tip of his tongue. "Given how things went out there tonight…I'm more than happy to be on your side."

Andy snorts, and throws her towel in his direction. Still she can't help the giggle that escapes from her mouth –

Sam is determined to reach McNally before anyone else does. Time and space, sure. But as far as he's concerned: now is the time and place for the two of them to clear some things up.

Unfortunately for Sam, the rest of the McNally entourage seems to have a similar idea. A whole host of bodies are making their way toward the change-rooms. And it's not that he begrudges her friends checking up on her, far from it…

It's just that Sam is feeling a whole lot like this mess is his fault. And that's not his ego talking either, it's the gut feeling he had earlier: Cruz was exacting some sort of revenge tonight on McNally…because of Sam.

He's about to tap Nash on the shoulder, try bargaining with her. Let him inside first and he'll do all the paperwork for a week. But just as he's about to raise his arm, Sam feels a warm hand on his shoulder –

"Let her cool her heels a little more, Swarek." There's no mistaking who the male voice belongs to, and Sam can't help but tense up. "We need to talk first."

"Tommy," Sam acknowledges, turning on his heel and mustering the bravest smile that he can. "You been in there yet?" He looks over his shoulder, can't see Oliver anywhere, so assumes his good buddy is yet to come out.

Tommy shakes his head, licks at his lips and tips his jaw in the direction of the Rookies. "Traffic's holding me up as well."

Sam nods, huffs out a breath. He realizes now that he could be waiting outside this door for the rest of the night. Whilst he may have played a part in what happened out there tonight, it's not his place… (yet).

Of course she won't want him in there right now.

And if her feeling better means that her current support channels go in before him, so be it. It's only fair that Tommy and Nash…and (as reluctant as Sam is to say it) Collins, are the first ones in line.

"You look like you got some things on your mind, Swarek," Tommy says after a long pause. Both men have their hands in their pockets, like if they're not there they might be needing to be someplace (on something or someone) else.

Sam nods again, swallows. "It was my fault…I…" He doesn't even know where to start with this, doesn't know how much Tommy already knows. He doesn't get to attempt an explanation though, because McNally senior already has a speech prepared by the sounds.

"If it's one thing I've figured out this past few years, Swarek: it's that 'blame' is futile –" As Tommy makes the declaration, Sam spots Oliver walking away from the change rooms, no doubt having just crossed paths with Nash and the crew. He gestures a thumbs up to Sam and then five fingers, an indication that Sam should probably stay where he is. As Shaw walks in the direction of the men's room, Tommy continues;

"The penny finally dropped for me that self-blame is no different to blaming somebody else. We all have a part to play in what happens, sure. Mistakes are made, bad things happen. But what happens then?"

Sam blinks a few times. What does happen then? Last time he made a big mistake, he lost Andy…He blamed both of them for that happening. And then what? She was gone. And now she's back…and he said it himself: done keeping count. If he wants to move forward, if he wants the situation to change…

He not only needs to forget blaming her, or Marlo, or anyone else. He needs to stop blaming himself. "Is that what you did?" he asks Tommy quietly, hoping for the retired cop's sake that he's still alcohol free.

Tommy nods, holding Sam's gaze. "It's something I have to keep tellin' myself every day: Acknowledge the mistakes, but don't settle on blame." He clears his throat. "It's what you do next that counts. What do they say? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If you know the mistake, and you know that you want the outcome to be different…you're already…you're just about there. Make amends, make changes, and move forward." Tommy looks around some more at the people passing by. "Alcohol was my way of coping with the blame I put on myself for a lot of mistakes I made. In order to stop coping that way…I had to face up to what I did and let go of the guilt. The past can't hurt you unless you let it."

Sam nods, a whole new level of respect for this man that once appeared so…broken. If McNally could work on himself, dig his way out of the dark…well, there was something to be learned from that in itself. And the fact that he revealed something so personal to Sam…

"I understand, Tommy," Sam nods again. "And I want you to know…I still…Andy means the world to me…I'm gonna do everything I can…"

"I know, Sammy," Tommy says, taking one hand out of his pocket to pat Sam's shoulder. He grins and winks, lightening the moment. "And if you don't, I'll be knocking on your door with some guys that I know."

A long, high-pitched "Ew," filters through the change room as Andy's towel drops to the ground. Andy recognizes the voice immediately, doesn't even have to look up. Gail is standing in the doorway, obstructing Nick's view as best as she can.

"It's okay…I'm decent." Andy rolls her eyes; would have been pretty hard for them to miss Oliver on his way out. She holds her hand up to gesture the next of her visitors in.

Gail steps across the threshold, and then takes the long way around the sweaty towel on the ground. Traci and Nick are hot on her heels, looking concerned as they join Andy over at the bench.

She doesn't look up at them though. She's got her elbows resting on her knees as she studies her hands. After a few seconds she shakes her head and mutters, "I can't believe I did that."

"I know," Gail practically squeals, decidedly more excited than Andy.

"Gail," Nick chastises knowing this is the last thing Andy wanted to happen. She hates people knowing her business at the best of times, and now there it was – out there for everyone to see… and judge.

"What?" The blonde snaps back, finally settling herself against the wall behind Andy. "She kicked her ass; wasn't that the whole point… to win." She definitely came out ahead anyway.

"Win, yeah," Nick agrees, "but I'm guessing the KO was probably not part of the original plan."

"So," Gail defends, narrowing her eyes and pursing her bright red lips. "She did what she had to do. That b… girl was fighting dirty. She was pushing it the whole damn round… what there was of it anyway," she adds with a smirk. "She was asking for it as far as I'm concerned."

Traci has to fight herself not to nod along. Her motherly 'use your words' instincts are being pushed aside as she finds herself agreeing with Gail. Cruz was definitely dishing out some low blows… that had nothing to do with the location of Andy's belt. If anyone knows what that looks like, it's Traci; if she had to venture a guess, she'd say Cruz was using her words to hit Andy right where she knew it would hurt… in the heart.

Traci pushes against Andy's knee lightly. "She call you a slut?" She teases, flashing her friend a quick grin, hoping to lighten up her mood a little.

Andy takes a quick peek up and attempts a smile but when she can't quite muster it, Traci knows she's right, that whatever it was Cruz said cut much deeper than superficial name calling.

Nick hunches down a little, lowers his head to the side trying to catch Andy's eye again. "You scared about what… people might think?"

Before Andy has a chance to confirm what he already knows, Gail is on him again. "If you're talking about the brass, they could care less. I don't even think they were watching; they were too busy kissing each other's asses." She pulls a knee up to press her foot against the wall as she continues. "And don't worry about Frank," she huffs out a loud chuckle, "if Noelle's reaction was any indication, it's that man's lucky night, and I'm not talking about all the money she's pulling in right now."

Andy blinks her eyes a few times, can't quite wrap her head around it. Noelle actually did put money on her.

"And I know you can't be talking about Swarek," Gail's drawl continues. "That man was barely holding back. It took everything he had not to drop her on her ass and just go after you." Before, during and after the fight she wants to add.

Andy's eyes flash wide. She knows Sam stayed in her corner, can remember him and Oliver telling her to keep on her toes. And he really didn't look mad at her, asked if she was okay even. And from what Oliver said too… She shakes her head. He had to be disappointed in her though… didn't he?

The sound of voices approaching the locker room breaks her out of her reverie. Her whole body stiffens when she recognizes both distinctly… and they sound like they're… together? And… laughing?

Her head snaps up when she hears them getting closer.

Traci and Nick push to their feet and they each give Andy an encouraging smile, know that it's not half as bad as she thinks it might be.

Tommy and Sam are still chuckling and shaking their heads when they appear in the doorway. They stop short when they feel all eyes in the room glued to them.

"Hey Sweetheart," Tommy greets, ignoring the slightly uncomfortable silence and disbelieving stares. He walks straight over to Andy and rubs a hand along her shoulders. "You doing okay?"

Her eyes flit between Sam and her father trying to figure out just how Sam could have gotten back in his good graces so quickly. She didn't even have to vouch for him.

"We're just going to…" Traci waves her hand awkwardly toward the door and nudges at Nick to start walking. When she doesn't hear any footsteps behind her, she turns back. "Gail!" She calls out curtly.

"Yeah, yeah," Gail grumbles, shoves herself up and away from the wall. "Everybody try to play nice." The blonde picks up one of the gloves that is sitting on the bench, waves it between Sam and Andy with a wry smirk. "Remember, no glove… no love."

The remark is met with a collective groan across the room, and some high eyebrows from Tommy McNally.

"What?" Gail snipes unphased by the response. "It had to be said."

As the rookies file out past Sam, Traci stops for a quick second, places a soft hand on his arm and whispers a little near his ear. "She just needs to know that she hasn't screwed this up… whatever it is."

She's already said her piece and gone but Sam still nods, takes a silent vow to make sure Andy knows just how impossible that is… ever will be. Friendship or… she won't get rid of him… she just won't.

"You okay, Sweetheart?" He hears Tommy ask again.

"I'm fine, Dad," she breathes out.

But Tommy isn't buying it; knows just as well as Sam that's McNally speak for anything but fine. "Guess Fite Nite's just not our finest hour, huh?" He tries.

Andy huffs out a soft chuckle. "Guess not," she agrees tries to match his smile.

"Good thing it doesn't matter what other people think," he reminds her.

Her eyes flash over to Sam but only for a second. Tommy catches it though, takes his own peek over at the gentleman by the door whose eyes remain glued to his daughter. "The important people already know how great you are," he adds knowingly.

When he doesn't get a response, he clears his throat loudly, chuckles a little when Sam's eyes jump over to him. He looks over at Sam pointedly. "And what's done is done so…"

The two men exchange a nod of understanding, Sam's full of more than a little gratitude too.

"I should get going," Tommy announces. "Sammy… you'll make sure she's taken care of?"

Sam smiles. He can't help but replay the knockout…and various other McNally moments through his brain. "Not that she can't look after herself…but, yeah. Yeah, Tommy. I got her back."

Andy's ears perk up at that particular statement… Got her back. She runs the wording on a loop in her head. They've both thrown it about often enough in their professional partnership, but the way Sam looked at her as he said it. The tone in his voice…

Calm and serious. Gentle. Determined…

And maybe underneath all of that…a little nervous himself.

Andy breaks her gaze from Sam's long enough to watch her father head to the door. "See you later, Dad," she manages before he's all the way out.

Tommy's departure leaves a quiet in the room that Sam's not entirely sure he was prepared for. As he shoves his hands in the pockets of his jacket, he briefly considers filling it with something…anything. Racks his brain for a corny joke that she might not have been privy to yet.

He comes up blank though, his head spinning just like that time she held a grenade.

It's the look on her face that's got him in a bit of a mess…

Those wide eyes of hers searching what feels like might be his soul. Her cheeks are a little flushed; her mouth is part the way open. Deer in headlights all over again.

It feels like an eternity ago that he was in here wishing her good luck. Which is a pity, because he thought that went really well. He tries to remember everything about those few minutes, wonders if there's any way possible they can pick up where they left off –

"That was the best countering I've ever seen."

He says it from near the doorway, quiet, still, making sure he doesn't sound out of breath. He says it with a small smile too, just enough for her to know he's not angry, annoyed, frustrated, or anything else that she might think he is.

Andy feels every little bit of tension in every part of her fall away. Just like that. Her whole body exhales. With the release of air, a quiet, soft laugh escapes her lips.

She notices the way his smile grows when hers does.

She shakes her head; it can't be this easy…

Eight months ago he broke her heart, six months ago she broke his, and so on and so forth…and yet…

Here they are. Smiling because of one another…again.

"I lost it out there," she whispers to him, her smile fading.

He makes his way over to her slowly, swings a leg over pommel horse style and sits facing her…about a metre away. "Well. It was me who told you to do whatever you needed to protect yourself. And Cruz looked like she was trying to hurt you pretty bad, so…"

"Still," Andy interjects, shaking her head some more. "I went about it the wrong way…I didn't mean for her to be hurt…"

"She's fine, McNally," Sam interrupts, urging her to look into his eyes. "Went and checked for myself."

Andy's stomach does a weird thing and her cheeks start to burn. "Of course…" she bites into her lip. She doesn't even know for sure that Sam broke things off, and irrespective, of course he cares about the woman…even if they're not still together. "I'll apologize to her again…and…and I am…I'm sorry, Sam…"

He holds out his hand, puts it on top of the one she has resting on the bench. "Pretty sure I heard you give her a bunch of sorry's already, McNally…and my guess is that she owes you at least one or ten." He clears his throat; another key to this conversation still needs to be found. "Do you want to tell me what she said to you?"

That burn in Andy's cheeks starts to intensify but it's nothing like the warmth she feels from Sam's hand; it's uncomfortable and unwelcome. "Not really." She shakes her head. "Doesn't matter. I still shouldn't have…"

Sam squeezes at her hand this time, bends his head a little, anything to try and get that eye contact back. Make her see that it does matter, that she matters… to him. "I want to know," he assures her and he does, enough to almost beg. "Talk to me," he implores.

She can hear it in his voice the concern, the caring and… it's something she's missed, a lot that 'I don't want anything to happen to you'. But… he said it himself, 'do what you have to do to protect yourself' and she's just not sure how much she can give away and still keep herself from getting hurt again.

She thinks he and Cruz may have parted ways but he hasn't really said. And even if they have, that doesn't mean that he wants anything from her besides friendship. If she tells him how she feels and he… well she just doesn't want him to pull away… not now that she's finally got him back…. however she has him.

But if she doesn't tell him… how can they have anything, even friendship, if they can't trust each other. God, she told herself she was going to be happy with that, that it was enough. Has no idea how she can tell him what he wants to know without making it seem like… she wants more… especially when she can't even convince herself.

But if this is ever going to move forward, go anywhere, and God she really wants it to, they have to at least start to let each other back in. She can see the opening; it's right there. He gave it to her plain and simple: 'talk to me'. Ready or not it's there, now she just has to decide if she's ready to open herself up too.

And really isn't this where they went wrong before – keeping the important stuff hidden. If she wants a chance at anything, she has to step up and maybe like Oliver said, he will too.

Sam's been watching her the whole time, hasn't taken his eyes off of her, knows she's over thinking it, wants to stop it before she talks herself out of… anything… everything. "Come on, Andy, tell me what's going on in there… please."

Andy can feel herself suck in a loud breath the second he says her name. As much as she loves to hear him drawl McNally, having him call her by her first name is just… it's like she's… more.

Her mouth opens and closes a few times until she decides to play it safe, find out what he does know. "Wha…" She has to clear her throat when her first attempt comes out a little scratchy. "What did she tell you?"

"Nothing."

She can feel him shake his head along with the word but she doesn't look up. Instead she nods at the bench, eyes focused on the hand that's still covering hers. He hasn't let go.

Andy's not sure if she's surprised at that or not. Cruz definitely could have spun the story a little, made Andy look bad instead of herself. "Nothing at all?" She clarifies.

Sam inches forward a little, bringing them closer together. "She said I should get the story from you." He shifts Andy's hand over into his lap and starts to rub small circles on the back of it. "I want to hear it from you."

Andy tugs a little at her hand, but Sam holds on tight. He's not letting her pull away, not now… not any time soon.

"I don't want you to think… I'm not trying to…" She huffs out a loud breath, really hates that she can't figure out how to say what she needs to, and she really doesn't want to screw this up by saying the wrong thing.

She closes her eyes for a couple of seconds before she forces them up to Sam, needs to make sure he can see how much she means this, how much she's okay with whatever he wants to give her. "I want to tell you, I do, but I don't want you to think I have a hidden agenda okay. I'm not trying to get in the middle of… your relationship; I'm not trying to stir up trouble," she's starting to ramble but she can't stop herself; she needs him to understand. "That's not what this is about. I just… don't let this come between us okay. These last couple of days… I just don't want to go back to when we weren't talking. I can't take that."

Sam can't take it either, really can't imagine anything she could say that would make him even want that. He holds her eye, wills her to get how serious he is about this too. "Andy, that's not going to happen."

She nods, tries to muster up a reassuring smile before she soldiers on. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, sure," he urges, elated that she might want to work through this with him.

"No matter what I say, we're friends right? That doesn't change."

Sam's jaw twitches a little at the f word but he does his best to match her attempt at an encouraging smile. It's not really what he wants here, but if that's what she'll give him, that's what he'll take. "Nothing you say could change the way I feel about you Andy."

She searches his eyes, thinks maybe… yeah, it might be worth it, taking that chance. "When I left…"

Sam's eyes narrow in confusion, can't understand what this has to do with what Cruz might have told her. He doesn't ask though; doesn't want to stop any momentum she's got going.

"It was never because I didn't love you," she reveals, her voice pleading with him to believe her.

Sam swallows at the hard lump that just appeared in his throat; it doesn't matter how many times she says the word, it still…

"I wish I would have done so many things differently," she bemoans, her gaze dropping back down to their hands as she shakes her head. "At the very least, I wish I would have told you I was going." She turns her hand around in his and holds on tight as she meets his eye again. "But it wasn't a joke to me Sam, it wasn't a game. I… I left because… I don't know, maybe I wasn't quite ready, at least not then. But I wanted to be so bad… but if you left again… decided that you really couldn't do it…" She swallows hard. "It was never because I didn't love you… I just need you to know…"

Sam brings his other hand over to encircle hers. "I believe you, Andy."

She smiles softly at him. "Thank you. And I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused."

Sam furrows his brow. "What trouble?"

She huffs out a disbelieving chuckle. "All of it – Brennan, the bomb, my first shift back… everything. I just… I know it wasn't easy for you. I never meant for you to get hurt."

Sam didn't get it. Sure, Brennan might have beat him up a little but that was mostly Boyd's doing and it was nothing compared to the pain he was in when he thought he might have hurt Andy too… but the others… he's fine. "Andy, please just tell me what was said. You're talking in circles here and…"

It's now or never. And never, when it comes to Sam, is something she can't even fathom. Andy pulls in a deep breath and then blows it out slowly. "She said that I couldn't have loved you because I was able to walk away…."

And that… that is not what Sam is expecting. He's not even sure what he thought she might have said but knows that wasn't it. He feels his body tense up, is pretty sure Andy feels it too the way she sucks in a loud breath and tugs at her hand again. But he's not letting her go. Because it's not what she's thinking… she has to know… he told her before… but he'll say it again and again until she believes him. "Andy…"

She starts talking before he has a chance to continue; the breaks in her voice tell him that maybe she's scared of what he might have been about to say. "That's why I walked away, Sam. I love you too much and it just hurt when I thought…" She's shaking her head hard now. "But I would never… not on purpose… Sam if anything happens to you because of me…"

Anything she says after 'I love you too much' gets lost. Nothing registers except for the fact that she used the present tense – love not loved. She may not have even realized she did it, but he did. He sits there; opens his mouth a couple of times but nothing will come out.

When he doesn't say anything after a couple of seconds, Andy shifts around on the bench so she can reach him with her free hand, rub at his arm a little.

"Sam… Sam." She has to say it twice before it even registers, which scares her a little now. He may not talk a lot, but he's just a little too still for her liking. "I promise Sam; I would never," she tries again.

"Never what?" As soon as he's said it, the rest of her monologue finally reaches his brain. The next words are spoken through gritted teeth. "Andy, what else did she say?"

Her chin drops to her chest; she's come this far though so there's no reason to hold back now. "That you're better off without me because I'm going to get you killed," she breathes out.

The muscle in Sam's jaw starts jumping again; he flashes his teeth once and gone. Can't believe the nerve of Cruz, has to stop himself from jumping up right then and there and going after her. Only then he can't actually move; no way is he moving a muscle while McNally's hand is seemingly fused into his. He does some tongue chewing though, tries to remember that breathing might come in useful too.

Andy's studying him pretty closely now, trying to get a read on his emotions. She can see the muscle in his jaw twitching and his leg is bouncing up and down like…

like he wants to get out of there.

"It's no wonder you can't be a cop and be with me."

"Huh?" the confusion is written all over Sam's face. His leg has stopped bouncing about and his jaw has dropped open. He looks at her with a squint.

Andy frowns. How can he not remember what he said back then? "That's what you said…when…before…you told me you couldn't be a cop and be with me…"

Sam blows out a breath, finally getting her point. He leans back a little, not really meaning to, but it's like the wind has been knocked from his sails. The movement almost drags McNally headlong into his chest.

He lets go of her hands in the nick of time, enough space between them for her to catch herself from falling, hands on his knees. Sam puts his own hands over his face, scrubbing hard all the way up and down as he tries to iron the wrinkles of stress all the way out.

"Andy…" He shakes his head. How can he even begin to form the right words? He drops his head down, lets the muscles of his neck stretch as he pulls his shoulders back. He looks up finally, shaking his head again. He bites his lip. There is absolutely no way around this except to lay everything out –

"Okay…first of all…you know how much of a mess I was back then, right?"

Andy drops her eyes for a second and he can tell already, that wasn't the right way to start. She's blaming herself for his dysfunctional state. Of course she is, he pretty much told her it was her fault…

He lets out a humourless laugh. As she goes to slide her hands off his knees he drops his palms down, stops her in her tracks. "Yes, okay. I was a mess because of you," he blurts. And then rolls his eyes because he is awful at this…

Still. It gets her head popping back up, gets her eyes focused on his. Now the confusion is hers.

He laughs some more, looks up to the ceiling for help. "I am a mess because of you."

Andy opens her mouth, but she's speechless. She feels pretty destroyed. She gets that things are complicated between them, but this is too much. The thought of making Sam's life so…so…hard…is too much for her. She doesn't understand how he can be smiling about it though…

Not just smiling. Laughing. God. There are practically tears in his eyes...

Eventually Sam manages to regain his composure. Kind of. This…everything right now is amplified. It's like she's holding up a magnifying glass between them, and everything is a little distorted. But not. Every single feeling that he's felt this past couple of weeks…everything before that…it all makes sense.

"Andy," he says, voice back to quiet and hands gripping hers. "I love you."

He breathes out slowly, looks into her eyes. "What I felt for you…what I feel for you…it's not something I'm used to trying to deal with, okay?" He really, really wishes he had some water right now. His throat feels like a desert. Still. She's definitely not looking like she's going to run for the hills anymore. He thinks that maybe he's starting to help her make sense out of the mess too. So, he continues, taking his time –

"Whether I'm with you, or not, I want to protect you and care for you and make you happy…" He pauses, looks up to the ceiling again, hopes Jerry might fill his brain with more words, better words. "Being your partner on…and off the job…I don't think I was really ready for it…" He looks across at her again, shuffles in another inch. "I couldn't make sense of how to be everything I wanted to be to you. And. I gotta admit; I still have no idea."

"You still love me?" Andy whispers, every part of herself internally spinning every which way. She's putting two and two together though, her heart surging as she realizes that what Sam is trying to explain is the intensity…the depth of his feelings for her. "Does that mean you don't love Marlo?"

Sam's eyes go wide; his eyebrows climb all the way up. He releases another long breath. "Andy…Cruz became a good friend to me…she was…nice…easy company… we have things in common…I told you all that…"

"Yeah, and you were prepared to dive into a relationship with her," Andy interjects, memories of the scenes when she first got back adding some fuel to her emotions.

"Dive in…" Sam looks a little confused again. He blows out some more breath because his chest had started to constrict. "I didn't exactly intend for it to be something serious, Andy…I just…I was just trying to move on."

The best way to get over somebody…

Andy curses Traci silently, shakes her head to stop herself from conjuring up any unwanted images–

"Andy," Sam's voice cuts into her thoughts. "In answer to your questions: yes, I still love you. No, my feelings for Cruz were…are…nothing like that."

He knows he can't just leave it at that, but also knows that this isn't a quick fix. In the end, he settles for telling her at least some of the facts. "I tried, Andy. I tried to move on. Tried to keep myself busy, and tell myself that you…" He gestures between them. "That we were over, that I could make myself stop loving you." He lifts her hands and squeezes them gently. "But. Truth is, I couldn't. I don't think I ever can. I will always…love you. Even if we're not together. Even if you don't feel the same."

Andy searches Sam's eyes, sees it all there. Everything. The pain and frustration and confusion…as well as the love. In a way, she wants him to keep talking all night, keep up with the confessions so she can shoot hers right back. But she knows it's not that easy, knows it's going to take more time. Time for them to keep asking and answering questions…of one another. And of themselves.

"So, you're not together anymore…you and Cruz?" Andy asks suddenly, because, well, some things are important to know if any further talking is to be done.

Sam shakes his head, replies immediately. "I…wasn't being very fair to her either…I realized she wanted more than I was prepared to give. Broke things off with her last night..."

"God," Andy rolls her eyes, throwing her head back a little. When she looks at Sam again, she gives him a mischievous wink. "So this was some kind of revenge?"

Sam drops his head, another mirthless laugh falling out. "I'm sorry…shoulda been me in that ring. Let you both go a round."

Andy rubs her hand up his arm, soft smile in place. "Hey…I'm joking, Sam. You know that, right? I think we've probably all done enough beating up of ourselves?"

Sam raises his eyes to meet Andy's again. He nods and gives her a small smile. "Yeah…you're dad said something to that effect too."

"My dad...that what you two were talking about out there...us beating ourselves up?" She can't but help but be a little curious as to what, and how much might've been said between the two most important men in her life.

Sam nods. Everything in the room goes very, very quiet. He'd repeat the discussion with Andy's father verbatim if he could remember it all. He doesn't think it's necessary though. He's pretty sure Andy has seen her father go through some personal growth...especially this past couple of years. He settles on reiterating what seems to be Tommy's mantra, echoes it softly, looking right into her eyes; "Make amends, make changes, and move forward."

Andy's eyes flicker over Sam's face as he repeats something she's heard her dad say fairly often in recent times. At first, when he used to say it, she thought it was lip service. But even though he's made his fair share of mistakes, even since going to his meetings, he has tried...kept trying...to make changes...and keep growing, keep moving forward.

From the first time she heard it, Andy 'knew' what he meant. At least, she thought she did. But she's sensing that she didn't really understand it...not until now. Tonight: the penny has finally dropped. Here, sitting across from her is the man that she loves with every part of her being, confessing that he was...is...a 'mess' because of her...and that he doesn't know what to do about that. He is acknowledging mistakes, and making amends; baring his most vulnerable parts. As for the 'change', he's already making an effort. Before tonight, he wouldn't have expressed himself this way if at all. Andy already sees monumental change there –

But what about her? Sure, she's acknowledged she could've...should've...done some things differently. Acknowledged that she loves him, has attempted to make amends for all that crazy stuff she's put him through in the past...

But. Change?

So far tonight, she's continued to jump to conclusions, interrupt him, put words in his mouth, defend her position, her actions...if change is required...well, probably she needs to be open about some things she understands about herself –

"I had expectations," she whispers, voice cracking a little again. She knows this is going to be hard, but it's the least Sam deserves.

When Sam opens his mouth to respond, she shakes her head gently and squeezes his hand. "Let me..."

She clears her throat, forces some more volume and looks straight in his eyes. "I expected you to be...to do...everything that I planned for my life. Expected that 'normal' would turn out to be something that I dreamed up. I mean, I never even asked what you thought normal looked like."

He smiles small back at her, rubs his thumb over her knuckle. "We both forgot to check in on that..."

Andy chuckles humourlessly, looks away for a second or two as she rolls her eyes at how things really were not given their best chance at the start. "Might've helped if we figured out how big the difference between our two 'normal's' was way back then, huh?"

She looks back in time to see Sam nodding, his own eyes cast down to the pit of space between their bodies. "Yeah," he replies with a sigh. "I recall promising we would...I'm sorry I didn't follow through..."

"Sam," Andy says softly, willing him to look up at her again. When he does, she continues. "That wasn't only your job, you know? God. I have this horrible tendency to talk and not listen. Ask questions, not wait for the answers...give the answers myself. I made up answers on your behalf. You were right, I am allergic to silence. I can't bear the thought of listening to the answers that silence might give..."

"Yeah, well. Mighta helped if that's not all you were listening to..."

"Now, who's allergic?" she teases. "You gonna let me finish this big spiel of mine?"

He grins at her, tilts his head to the right. After a long pause of nothing much else, he nods.

"You make me a mess too, Sam." She smiles broadly. "Huge mess, in fact." Her features turn more serious as she thinks of her head and her heart and how nothing works the same way it used to...before him. "And I don't know how to put any of these pieces together either..."

She stops for a second, remembers her moment of enlightenment less than 24 hours ago. "But...even though I have no idea what the puzzle is...I know I want to figure it out." She takes a couple of breaths, smiles small again, squeezes his hand hoping any residual strength he might have will pass on to her. "I came into today knowing that I never wanted to lose you. If that meant being your 'friend'...and only that...I decided...that's what I would be. I would be the best friend...and the very best colleague I could be. I made the decision...whatever had to happen for you to be in my life...I would make it happen..."

Sam's grin has grown exponentially as Andy has been talking. He's laughing a little as well. Her eyebrow quirks as she watches him shake his head. "What? You still don't believe a girl can just be your friend, Swarek?"

"Oh, I believe it..." Sam says, chewing into his lip. "I mean. It was gonna be a battle to the death between me, Nash and Shaw as to who was gonna be your best friend the minute you bought us all lunch." The teasing is gentle by Swarek standards, the expression on his face is cautious. But the humour brings a nice wave of lighter air into the mix.

Andy giggles brightly. She never wants Sam to not tease her. After all, she wants to be able to tease him too. But she understands why his tone is a little subdued… obviously he knows himself that sometimes his jokes have been a little misplaced. She squeezes his hand reassuringly, winks over at him. "Well. You'll get the friendship bracelet…I've even got the beads all picked out."

Sam chokes out a laugh in reply. Winks back at her. "Long as you don't expect me to wear it while we're at work." He strokes his thumb over her knuckles again; smile fading until it's much smaller than before. "Actually," he continues quietly. "I'd kind of made a similar resolution myself…to be a good friend and colleague, I mean."

Andy smiles softly. There's this warmth that's spreading all through her - inside and out. That is until the words 'good friend and colleague' start playing on loop through her brain. Her smile starts to fade a little as she considers the possibility that 'good friend and colleague' is the only plan the universe has made.

No. The universe is not going to tell her what she can and can't have. She wants more than the friendship bracelet...thinks that Sam might want that too...but she has to know for sure.

She drops her eyes down to their hands; watches Sam trace the peaks and valleys on the back of hers before she ventures a look up. "So...is that what we are then..." she stutters out, "friends?"

Up next: Facing the truth...and the crowd!