No Money, No Love

By: Witch Baby

A/N: EDITED 01/16/12 No comments other then I'm sorry for the delay. The lyrics are another part of the same Lisa Loeb song that I used in another chapter, but the title comes from the Better then Ezra song by the same name. Please enjoy.

"You said that I was naive,

And I thought that I was strong

I thought, 'Hey, I can leave, I can leave'

Oh, but now I know that I was wrong, 'cause I missed you.

You said, 'I caught you 'cause I want you and one day I'll let you go'

You try to give away a keeper, or keep me 'cause you know you're just so scared to lose

And you say, 'Stay'…"

Chapter Sixteen: Desperately Wanting

The car ride back was silent, though not as uncomfortable as Homare thought it would be. He glanced away from the road every so often to the young man sitting in the back seat staring distantly out the window. He felt like maybe he should say something, some word of encouragement or advice, but knew it wasn't really his place. Already he felt like he had said too much back in the apartment. Sure, he and Ayase had talked often, but who was he to give some sentiment of comfort? He wasn't even sure what was going on or what Kanou was planning.

Ayase sighed as the cityscape flew past his window. He could feel the nervousness turning in his gut, making him feel like he might possibly be sick. As his apartment loomed closer, the scenery becoming more familiar with each passing moment, he could feel them multiplying. He kept asking himself why he was even here. He didn't have to come, he had a choice.

Yet, when he saw Kuba standing in the door way, fear and adrenalin still pumping in his blood from the thug Eito, he acted without hesitation. Homare had said that Kanou needed him, and it was still such a hard habit to break from. When Kanou beckoned him, he came without question, even though he knew that now he didn't have to. Already it felt like he was breaking his promise to Skyler. Wasn't he supposed to be acting stronger now?

Still, a part of him felt like he had to go. Something was different this time, especially with the way that Kuba kept glancing his way, acting as if he wanted to say something, but didn't know how. He knew he would have to finally face this if he wanted to get anywhere. No more doubt, no more giving into temptation, no more feeling like he couldn't do this. He had to, there were no other options. This was the moment that would make or break him. More then when he left, more then when he saw Kanou again for the first time. This time, he had to do things right.

The car came to a stop right outside his building, and Ayase awaited patiently for Kuba to come around and open his door. He took a deep breath as he stood on the side walk, letting the cool, crisp night air fill his lungs and clear his head. Homare watched him walk up the stairs alone, praying for the first time in a long time that things would work out. It didn't matter in which way, but if everyone could walk away with as little damage as possible, then he couldn't ask for more.

Ayase stood in front of the door, fumbling with the keys in his pocket, giving him just a few precious seconds to get his thoughts together. He didn't know what side of Kanou was waiting for him. Would he be angry? It was so hard to stay strong when those eyes could be so hateful. Would he try to touch him? That terrible touch that invoked so many feelings that Ayase would get dizzy from their intensity. How could he fight against such a force?

He opened the door, shutting it softly behind him, back turned to the rest of the room as he focused on locking the door and hanging up his keys. With one last deep breath, he turned around.

Kanou was seated in on of the rickety chairs at Ayase's table, staring at the blond with unreadable eyes. On the table, a few of his albums were spread out on the table. Pictures of his mother and father, of Ayase as a baby, and his beloved Grandmother before she passed. Many times Ayase would catch Kanou going through his pictures, so it had stopped bothering him a long time ago that Kanou would take them and go through them. In fact, he had found it quite amusing the way he would pester him with questions about who was who and where the pictures were taken.

The sight of Kanou looking through them once more almost made him smile, but then he remembered where they were and the circumstances surrounding them. It didn't seem so much as funny anymore, but incredibly sad. They stared at each other for the longest time, trying to gauge the others emotions. But, as the minuets ticked by, Ayase only found himself getting more and more frustrated. He could never figure out what that man was thinking, his eyes so withdrawn and distant. The only time he ever showed a hint of emotion was when he was either about to end someone or was about to pounce on Ayase for something perverted. He didn't want to think of those things though, he wanted honesty from Kanou. He wanted to know why.

"I missed… looking at these." The older male said softly, the first to break the silence.

Ayase didn't want to think about how his heart skipped a beat when, for just a moment, he though Kanou was going to say he missed him. "I haven't had time to update them." He replied, thinking instead of the shoebox of pictures in his closet.

Most of them where taken recently, shots of the girls at the shop, Kanou threatening Someya while she stood beside him looking composed and haughty, or the twins sitting quietly by themselves. They'd actually been ready to be put in his books for awhile, but something always stopped him from doing so. He would remember suddenly that these people were not his family, they weren't supposed to be involved with the sacred memory of his parents. It hurt to much to think that he thought of including them, putting them with the things that were supposed to last forever.

He wasn't supposed to feel this content trapped in a cage.

Kanou shut the book and set in on the table with a quiet thud. Everything seemed amplified somehow, the quiet room roaring in his ears. Their mingled breath, the pounding of his heart, everything just seemed too loud. "Would you like something to drink?" Ayase asked, wanting to end the deafening slience. Kanou nodded, though voiced no preference of what he would like, so Ayase busied himself making tea.

Kanou continued to watch him, Ayase could feel his stare burning holes into his back, but he stayed where he was, seated at the table. Ayase was glad for that, not knowing how he would react should Kanou approach him like he had last night.

When the tea was done, he poured one for Kanou and himself, sitting down at the table as well. Kanou still had barely said a word, and it was beginning to worry Ayase. But he wasn't sure what to say either, so they sat there, neither of them speaking, tea slowly growing colder.

"I think… last night was a mistake."

Ayase looked up from memorizing the patter of the tile on his floor. "…What?"

"We shouldn't have had sex. We should have talked more."

Ayase stared at him confused for a moment, before he realized what Kanou was trying to do.

"Are you… apologizing?"

Kanou didn't reply, but Ayase felt a little better regardless. It wasn't an actual apology, Ayase wasn't sure Kanou even knew how to do that, but it was as close to one as he would probably get, and for Ayase that was enough. "I forgive you."

The stiff set of Kanou's shoulders seemed to relax at those quite words, and he sighed softly, closing his eyes. "Won't you come home with me Ayase?"

Ayase stilled, looking away from Kanou once more. "No, I can't."

"Why not?" he asked, struggling to keep the emotion from his voice. It was so hard to not be angry, to take his hurt out on the blond that caused him so much grief.

"It isn't right to be there. I can't go back."

"Why? I gave you everything you could ever need!" He knew his voice was rising, the anger bleeding through, but he couldn't hold back when it came to his angel. His fists clenched at his sides, resisting the urge to break something.

"You couldn't give me what I wanted Kanou…" he replied calmly, Kanou's anger, for once, not frightening to him. He knew what he had to say.

"And what would that be?"

"A choice. You never gave me a choice Kanou."

Just like that, all the rage and resentment Kanou had been feeling for the past few days drained out of him. Someya's words rang in his head, taunting him, throwing his mistakes in his face. But didn't they see? Didn't they understand? He couldn't give Ayase a choice. It was impossible to let him free, to let him go and make his own decisions.

Because what if he didn't chose him?

All at once his insecurities seemed to crash in around him. It's not like he didn't realize what he was doing was wrong. Each time tears filled those blue eyes, each time Ayase would beg him to stop and he would keep going, every time he would flinch at the slightest touch. Each and every time he died a little more inside, knowing that Ayase was his, but not his completely. He hadn't wanted things to be this way, he wanted Ayase to remember his face, to welcome him with open arms and promise to stay by his side forever.

But it hadn't worked out like that, and so Kanou had done the only thing he could think of that would keep Ayase with him. Ayase was everything that was good and pure in Kanou's life, and deep down, he knew that he was scared of what he would become without him.

A soft touch to his arm broke him out of his lamenting. He turned his head sharply, staring up at the most beautiful eyes. Even after years of turmoil, sadness, and pain dulling how they used to blaze with emotion, Kanou still found them the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. They were full of concern as they gazed at him, searching his face for a hint of what he was feeling inside. He always felt like those eyes could tear him down in ways that not even the strongest men could. Even now, he felt like crumpling, spilling out every doubt and fear, get on his knees and beg for him to come back.

Instead, he looked away, shrugging off the touch as he did. He missed the flash of pain that crossed Ayase's face, knowing he was once again shut out of what Kanou was feeling.

Something rose up in Ayase in that moment. Something that he'd been holding back since his Grandmother had passed away. Something that has been boiling in his blood, screaming to be freed every time he stayed silent, begging for release every time he shut his eyes and let things happen that he really didn't want.

"Stop…" he said, voice quiet but sure as he grabbed onto Kanou's sleeve. "Stop pulling away from me."

Kanou turned, mildly surprised at the determination he saw in those blue eyes. Ayase let go, now that he knew he had Kanou's attention. He stood a little straighter, shoulders back as he looked at the taller man right in the eye. "Stop hiding from me Kanou. You always force things out of me, make me say what I really feel, show me what I really feel, even if I don't like it. I'm not letting you walk away, not now."

Kanou wasn't sure how to react to such an tone authoritative coming from his usually docile little blond. It was almost comical to see him standing up to a man twice his size, but at the same time a little off putting. He'd already made Kanou feel and do enough things he wasn't comfortable with, and now he was outright telling him what to do?

"You have no power to tell me what to do." he said, stepping closer to invade the blonds personal space.

Ayase didn't take a step back like he had expected, though he still saw a small flash of fear in his eyes. Kanou immediately felt bad. He was here to try and convince him to come back, not fight with him.

"I'm tired of not knowing what you're thinking Kanou." Ayase said, exasperated at how Kanou was once again acting, "I'm tired of all your bullying tactics and your mind games. One minuet you force me to do things and the very next your off taking me out and telling I'm… I'm special to you. Which is it?"

"You're mine, I can do what I want with you." his tone was icy, but Ayase could see the panic in his eyes. His defensive walls were going up, the truth hiding behind crushing hands and hurtful words.

"No I'm not, not anymore. You don't have a right to me, so tell me the truth Kanou! Am I just a toy your throwing a tantrum over?"

Kanou was quiet before he uttered a soft 'No'.

"You could have anyone, buy anyone you wanted, so why me?" His voice finally started breaking as he asked the question that had been haunting him for years. "Why did you do this to me Kanou?"

"I don't know…" he replied lamely, turning away again, he couldn't stand to look in those eyes anymore.

Once again though, a soft touch stopped him. "If you want me to stay…" he said quietly, "… then give me a reason to."

Emotions threatened to overtake him, Kanou not used to letting himself be so vulnerable. So, he answered Ayase in the best way he could. There was no anger in his kiss, no fiery passion of getting swept up in the moment, or even the confusion they both had been feeling these last few days. This wasn't a kiss of force or forgetting or domination. Kanou swept him up into his arms, letting this kiss beg for forgiveness, because he couldn't ask it for himself. He wasn't good with words, he couldn't say the right things or make it better. But he could hold Ayase, he could wrap that small body in his strong arms and show his hunger, the way he lost himself in how good it felt to have his hands settle on Ayase's narrow hips and marvel about how perfectly they fit there.

Ayase was the first to pull away, gasping for air, closing his eyes as he tried to stop the trembling of his body, the heat that was spreading through his veins. There eyes met, Kanou's darker and more intense then Ayase had ever seen them. The older male leaned in for another kiss, but Ayase pulled away, shaking his head. "Don't make me do this again Kanou," he begged, burying his face against Kanou's arm as the turmoil began to gather in his eyes and slip down his cheeks, "I can't do this again, it will kill me. Don't make me do it."

Kanou's heart was breaking, unsure of what he wanted more. Should he give in to Ayase, or his desire? He needed him though, needed him like air in his lungs, blood in his veins. He needed to feel the heat and hear his cries and let them drown out the echo of gunfire, the sight of blood that haunted him. How could he ever get him to understand? Especially now, after so many years of torture, how much Kanou…

"I need you."

The words were so quite, that for a moment Ayase thought he had imagined them. He lifted his head to look up at Kanou. "Wh-what?"

Kanou cradled his face in his hands, brushing at a stray tear with his thumb. There was so many emotions swirling in their dark depths, more then Ayase could even begin to understand. All he knew was that it made his heart ache, especially when Kanou uttered those same sad three words again. "I need you."

He didn't make a move towards Ayase again, just continued to try to convey everything with his eyes. He was trying to get him to understand what was so hard for him to say, as well as give him what he most wanted.

A choice. They could continue, or he could walk away. It was all in the blonds hands now.

Ayase bit his lip in indecision, knowing that this was the moment he had been expecting all night. There was no denying that Kanou would be a part of him for the rest of his life, but that didn't mean it had to be the same life forever. It didn't have to be all or nothing if he didn't want it to. Kanou had given him his choice, now it was time to make it.

He took Kanou's hand in his, kissing the palm tenderly before looking him in his eyes. "I need you too," he replied, "But I don't want you to think this means you own me. Tonight… we can have tonight, but tomorrow we have to talk more."

"Will you come back with me?" Kanou asked, not even hiding the hopeful tone in his voice.

"Tomorrow we can talk about it." Ayase said again. It wasn't the 'yes' Kanou wanted, but it wasn't the out right 'no' he'd been dreading. He could live with a 'tomorrow'.

Ayase was the one to lead them to the small bedroom, his palm feeling hot and sweaty in Kanou's as they walked down the short hallway and through the door. It shut with a soft 'click' and Ayase turned to face the man that had given him so much pain, as well as so much pleasure through the years. There was a softness in Kanou's eyes he had only seen glimpses of before. It made his heart beat quicker, his breath coming in sharp and quick, and they hadn't even touched yet. It was so much more unnerving then his usual look of fire, or the great pain that threatened to drown him in the kitchen just a few moments before. Such a soft look brought up things he wasn't ready to try and figure out, wasn't ready to come to terms with. It was the worst when Kanou looked at him like that.

Kanou's fingers were feather soft as the traced down his arm, making the blond shiver, biting his lip to keep in the soft little moan that threatened to escape. Blue eyes slowly closed as Kanou leaned down to kiss him softly, a velvety brush of lips at first before deepening into something more. He couldn't hold back a small moan as Kanou's hands finally touched him, pressing at the small of his back to bring them closer together.

It wasn't long until Kanou had rolled him back onto the bed, towering over him as he coaxed Ayase's tongue to twine with his, sending shivers over his skin as his hand slipped under the smaller male's shirt to splay his fingers over his warm skin.

He had never seen Kanou act so careful before, so slow and tender, all the time pausing to look into Ayase's eyes and make sure it was okay. It was something beautiful to not be full of fear or regret while Kanou touched him, to close his eyes and let himself get lost in the feeling of his hands stroking over his sensitive nipples, the sensation of fabric sliding down his legs as Kanou undressed him, revel in the heat of bare slick skin sliding against his.

He whimpered as one slick finger began to tease him, shuddering at the sensation of being filled and touched. Kanou kissed one pale, trembling thigh, his other hands stroking Ayase's erection as his fingers continued to stretch and pleasure the smaller male. "Kanou!" he cried, the sound like music, when the older male brushed against his prostate.

He was all to aware of his own straining hardness between his legs, as he continued to make Ayase twist and moan. Unable to wait a second longer, he withdrew his fingers, positioning himself between the blonds spread legs. He gave a low groan as their cocks rubbed together, delighting in the feel of Ayase sprawled beneath him, the warmth and the feeling of being finally complete as he positioned himself and slowly pushed inside.

He had to take a deep breath, holding off on the orgasm that threatened to take him by surprise. He didn't want this over so quickly, he wanted to stay forever like this, confident in knowing that Ayase wanted this as much as he did. It made it so much better, every cry of his name, every snap of his hips as he buried himself deeper, it was all burned into his memory.

Ayase desperately clutched at Kanou's strong arms, clawing at his back as he thrust harder, pushed deeper, filled him so completely and left no room for everything else. He came with a wild cry, feeling Kanou's heat flooding him inside, and all the while, he heard the same words spilling from Kanou's lips over and over. "I need you, I need you, I need you."

It was those words that he kept with him as he let the afterglow slowly guide him to sleep. Kanou's heartbeat was strong in his ears as he laid there, wrapped in the older males arms, letting those words and emotions fill him with the tiniest spark of hope. Tomorrow morning would mean something new for the both of them, but he was confident that this time, things would turn out okay.

A/N: Once again, thanks for everyones patience with this chapter. I know its long over due and I hope not to disappear again for as long as I did.

And last, and always least to the world, to the Troll that left that nasty comment. Please kill yourself already. No one will ever love you, and your parents were right when they said they hated you. Please leave my story alone and go fuck yourself.

And to all the other lovely, beautiful, kind people that left comments worth their weight in gold, thanks as always and I hope that the Gods smile upon you... especially if you leave more nice reviews...