Waking up after the most mind-blowing sex of your life, paired with the best night's of sleep you ever had, was surprisingly anti-climatic. Darren's eyes had opened. He'd taken a moment to let last night's events sink in and settle into memories in his mind. But just as he was about to smile and revel in how little he cared about the soreness of his ass, he realized that he was alone.
He sat up with a startled jolt, eyes adjusting to the darkness of the room as they searched it. There wasn't a single trace of Chris. There wasn't a single trace of the guy who had sunk inside Darren just hours ago, making him feel every last inch of him with his arms wrapped around him securely. Chris had smiled so giddily when they were done. He had giggled into their kisses in a way that made Darren's heart leap just thinking about it.
And now it was as if it hadn't happened at all.
Lauren and Joey seemed to have forgotten about Darren's friday adventures come monday morning. They were busy talking about the party they went to that very night, and Darren listened and laughed genuinely. He enjoyed the stories his friends told, and he liked going to classes, getting his acting on.
Things were going fine. Things were... usual. Darren agreed to go with his friends to a party the upcoming weekend, even if the memories of his last hangover were still enough for him to pause before saying yes. Joey had gone with the old "you don't have to drink to have fun at parties", and Darren was convinced. He needed to meet some people. Remind himself of who he is.
Because that was what the last few weeks had been about, right? Finding out who to be?
Darren hadn't received a single text from Chris since the day they got together. He kept considering and re-considering whether or not he should text him. He always ended up staring at their previous conversations, willing his phone to buzz with a new text. It was kind of weird. He didn't know what Chris and him were. They weren't friends. They were barely acquaintances, come to think of it.
Darren just knew that Chris minored in Drama. That was what they had in common. They'd only ever really talked about getting off.
So how come they'd been so great when they were together?
Darren sort of wished that him and Chris hadn't clicked like they did sexually. Not when they did it like they did. No strings attached – Darren wasn't even really mad at Chris for disappearing. He got it. He'd been in the same situation before.
He just found himself thinking that he wanted Chris to want him, too.
Because Darren wanted Chris again.
"Dude."
Darren groaned. Three hour breaks were not his cup of tea. Especially not when Joey wouldn't even let him sleep through it.
"Dude, dude, dude."
It was fucking urgent, too. Darren rubbed his eyes tiredly. His back hurt from having slept hunched over a table. He couldn't believe he actually hung out with people that wanted to go study in the library when they didn't have anything better to do.
Or better yet, that people like that wanted to hang out with him.
"Dude, seriously, look," Joey hissed in his ear, and Darren finally opened his eyes.
Joey was pointing and nodding towards a guy who was standing with his back to them. He was wearing a purple shirt and black, tight jeans. He was lean. His brown hair was kind of messy in the back, like it needed a trim.
Darren had kissed that neck.
"Isn't that the guy you hooked up with at that party?" Joey asked, and Darren blinked a couple times.
"Uh... I can't tell."
Darren blushed.
"It totally is," Joey said. "I saw his face when he walked in here. Do you want to hide? Should we leave?"
Joey probably earned a gold-star for being a bro for that, but Darren just huffed a laugh, leaning back in his chair with an air of confidence.
"It's fine," Darren said. "Let's stay."
Darren's eyes were fixed on Chris back, the way he moved about the rows of books, going out of view and coming back in. He turned his head to the side sometimes so that Darren got a perfect look at his profile. That defined jaw that he'd nipped his teeth around... Darren could feel his heart beat faster, but he couldn't bring himself to do anything.
"You're sure?" Joey asked, brows furrowing. "You don't want him to get the wrong idea. What are you going to do if he sees us?"
Darren was just about to respond with some joke when Chris turned around and their eyes met as soon as he did. Chris looked as though he was drawing in a breath, and Darren could literally feel how inch after inch of his face reddened. It was as if the moment was frozen in time, and Darren found himself taking a mental snap-shot of how Chris looked right now.
He looked nothing like the confident, domineering sexual deviant he'd had in mind the past week and a half, and more so like he was feeling every inch of what Darren was feeling. Like he didn't know what to do, at all. Like he wanted to say something, anything, but not finding the purchase within himself to do it.
Torn.
And the moment ended. Chris didn't approach them. Of course he didn't. He left without picking up a book and Darren released a breath that didn't really feel like relief. Joey patted him on the back and they laughed it off. It felt kind of nice, even if Joey didn't know half of what had happened between him and Chris.
At least now Darren knew that Chris hadn't disappeared into thin air.
You look hot when you blush.
Darren saw the text when he woke up the next morning. He blinked a couple of times, trying to make sense of it, and then he remembered the incident at the library. He felt a rush in his chest, as if he was trying to grab onto something, but it was like a free fall of emotions and nerves. Chris acknowledged his existence.
Do I?
Darren turned to lie on his back, put his phone on his stomach and stretched. He was determined not to stare at the three dots that came up when Chris was typing out his response. He was determined to be casual about this.
When his phone buzzed on his stomach after a couple of minutes that felt longer than usual, he picked it up with such a rush that he dropped it on his face.
So casual.
Oh, yes. It reminded me of... Well, you know.
Darren's breath hitched. Okay. He needed to talk about something else. They needed to be something other than what they were now. Because if he didn't take the step, then they'd probably stop contacting each other after a while and it had already been a week and a half since they last spoke.
Oh... I'm going to a party this friday. Come with?
His phone buzzed almost immediately.
I already have a party to attend this friday. Which one are you going to?
My friend Brian, Brian Holden. It's going to be pretty small, though. You sure you don't want to come?
It's going to be small, huh? I'll think about it.
I'll send you the address just in case. I know how much you like me under the influence.
Good point. Well, in case of; see you friday.
Sure, Chris.
It wasn't a small party.
It probably started out as such, but once Joey and Darren got there, they couldn't look one direction without seeing an unfamiliar face in the crowd.
Small parties turning huge weren't unheard of at University of Michigan, but Darren could feel his stomach drop. If there was going to be this many people – up to fifty, maybe more – it would be that much harder to find Chris. If he actually showed up.
Darren was dancing with a random girl. He was buzzing with alcohol and his limbs felt loose and good. The girl had been eyeing him since they first stumbled into each other, and Darren wasn't one to walk away from someone with such an obvious interest in him. She was pretty. She didn't make him feel like Chris did, but she was there and Darren was drunk.
He was just about to move in a little closer when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned. smiling an apology to the girl he had no interest in, and there he was. Chris. In all his sober glory. Fuck.
Darren was pretty drunk, but under control. He'd learned something from his last hangover, but Chris face in the crowd of dancing people in a dark room reminded him of how they first met so much that he wanted to do another round of shots. He was nervous, but he smiled, and Chris wrapped a sure arm around his back. The girl he'd just danced with was already forgotten.
Chris used his other hand to hold Darren's hip. Darren looked up at him, fuck, he was taller and that was a turn on, and Chris just smiled down at him. The awkwardness from the library had vanished.
"Just how I like you," Chris murmured, leaning down to talk into his ear. "Sweaty and drunk on a dance floor."
Darren felt his heart thud, his cock swelling in his pants. He thrust his hips forward, enabling Chris to feel his hard-on on his hip, and Chris gasped in response.
"You little devil," he scolded playfully, hand on Darren's hip tightening. "You want it so bad, don't you?"
"Yeah," Darren said quickly.
If he'd been sober he would probably have tried to feign some confidence, some stamina, but now he just wanted Chris to touch him everywhere. He wanted to be in his control, wanted to do what he was told. Chris released a groan into Darren's ear as they moved to the music together. Darren wrapped his arms around Chris neck and nuzzled into the warm crook of his neck, his hips swiveling with Chris. He let out a small, needy sound when Chris lips brushed against his temple.
It was too much, and not enough. Darren was rock hard and Chris hands were there, squeezing at his sides, his mouth whispering dirty encouragements. Darren was usually ashamed of how needy he got. He didn't pride himself in becoming completely wrecked when aroused. He wanted some sort of control. He didn't exactly want to lose himself with every graze of Chris fingertips.
But when he just let go like this, with Chris close, knowing how much Chris liked it... He was fine with being exactly who he was. He didn't have to respond with anything articulate and equally dirty to Chris words. The noises he made, how hard he got from Chris doing all the leading, that was what seemed to spur Chris on the most. It made it so easy. It didn't feel like playing a game, trying to find out what the other liked so that you had to alter yourself after them. Doing this just worked so well, and fuck, Darren wanted to leave now. Wanted to take Chris home with him. Wanted to fuck him and have him and fall asleep with him like they'd done before.
Chris was on the same page, it seemed, because he pulled Darren out of the crowded house only moments later. They kissed, hard and needy, once they were alone. The air was cool, the moon shining big and full on a dark sky heavy with glistening stars. Darren had left his jacket inside, and he wast just in a t-shirt in jeans, so he snaked his arms inside Chris jacket. It was warm, and it filled his stomach with fuzzy, fluttering butterflies as Chris slipped his cold tongue in Darren's mouth. Darren hummed happily and pressed into the kiss. Chris hand went up to stroke Darren's cheek softly, and the kiss became that much more intense once he did. Their lips were sealed together, their tongues just brushing against each other, but it was the best kiss Darren had ever experienced. Chris other hand was on his back, holding him steady and strong, countering the soft hand on his face. Darren had never felt so held.
He pulled back a little bit and Chris opened his eyes slowly. They were big, blue, and they knew. If Darren read Chris expression correctly, the kiss meant just as much to him.
"You want to get out of here?" Darren asked.
He'd wanted the moment to last forever, but that's the thing about moments. They don't. And he wanted to get to the soft warmth of a bed in Chris arms, right now.
"Yes," Chris said. He looked fairly taken with him, mouth opening and stuttering closed, as if he'd been about to say something more.
Darren squeezed at Chris back and looked away from his eyes for a second.
"My place?" Darren asked tentatively.
"Yeah, okay," Chris agreed. "Is it far?"
"No, we can walk," Darren said. He slipped his arms out of Chris jacket reluctantly, and immediately wrapped his arms around himself.
Chris didn't step away. He put his warm hand on Darren's arm and rubbed a little bit, trying to create some circulation.
"You're freezing," he said. "You should take my jacket."
"Nah, man, it's cool," Darren said, trying to sound casual. He lost on his clattering teeth, though.
"Don't be ridiculous," Chris said. "You're taking my jacket. I'm wearing long sleeves. It's fine."
Darren said nothing as Chris stripped out of his brown leather jacket and handed it to him. Darren just stood there staring at the jacket in his hands, thinking about how Chris wore it every day, how it went everywhere with him. It was a fucking ridiculous thought, a drunk thought for sure, but it brought an uninhibited smile to Darren's face, beaming at the fact that he was holding a part of Chris in his hand. Chris let out a snort-laugh and took the jacket again.
"What are you doing?" he muttered under his breath, Darren wasn't sure if he was talking to him or to himself, but he slid the jacket over Darren's narrow shoulders easily.
It was a little too big, which was good because Darren was very cold. He wrapped it around himself as they walked quietly in the dark. It was such a weird contrast, going from a loud party-environment to the quiet of the night. There was only a shadow of the fact that it was a friday night, other people walking around with bottles of beer and God-knows-what, the sound of muffled music coming from dorms they passed. Chris didn't take Darren's hand. Darren was very aware of that.
"My jacket looks good on you," Chris said after a few moments of silence.
Darren quirked an eyebrow, smiling loosely.
"Does it?" he asked, twirling when Chris looked back at him. He stumbled a little, regaining his balance almost immediately, and laughed.
"Well, when you do that you kind of look like an idiot," Chris retorted, but he was smiling.
Darren grabbed Chris by the arm then, rested his head on his shoulder.
"Mmh, I'm drunk," he said happily. "You better lead me the rest of the way. Not sure if I can walk properly."
Chris laughed and elbowed Darren softly. He didn't try to shake him away, though.
"You're not that drunk," Chris said.
"I know," Darren mumbled.
He wasn't sure if Chris heard, but they fell silent again, still walking closely.
Once they were inside Darren's apartment they were out of their shirts kissing on Darren's bed within a minute. The kisses were slow but hard. There was a lot of tongue, mostly from Darren's part, and Chris tried to take control of the kiss as he was pushed Darren down onto the mattress. Darren was already getting tired and sloppy, just holding Chris by the hair when he was under him. Chris rolled his hips down onto Darren and breathed hard onto his neck. Darren groaned in response, breath hitching with Chris movements.
Chris stopped, though, with a small little grunt of frustration.
"I have to go to the bathroom," he said in a rush.
Darren stared back up. "Hurry."
"Yes," Chris nodded. "Right. I'll hurry."
He got up from on top of Darren and skipped out of his bedroom door. Darren slumped back onto the mattress and let out a long sigh. He was fucking tired. His mind was boggled with alcohol and it was just making it worse. Darren's eyes slipped shut and he let out a few long breaths. Okay. Just a couple minutes of resting his eyes. That was fine. When Chris was back he'd be all set for a night's worth of fucking.
Darren fell asleep the minute he closed his eyes again.
Darren woke up to the faint press of lips to his forehead, and the sound of a cup being put on a table. His eyes fluttered open slowly and the body next to him tensed, moved away.
"No," Darren complained, voice hoarse from sleep. "C'me back."
His eyes adjusted and there was Chris, sitting up on the bed with a weird expression on his face. He looked like he'd just been caught in the act of something, and he was kind of staring into space.
"Come back," Darren repeated, his voice returning.
Chris sucked in a breath. He was only in a tank top and underwear, and Darren realized he didn't know what he, himself was wearing. He felt fairly naked. Probably just boxers. Chris had undressed him last night. Oh, God.
Chris slipped beneath the covers and moved close to Darren again.
"Since you're asking so nicely," he murmured, voice light and easy.
There was something about Chris when they weren't both rock hard and ready for each other. He seemed more nervous, antsy even, the hand resting on Darren's chest a lot more unsure than it usually was. Darren just looked at Chris for a passing moment. Chris wasn't looking at him. There was still this unreadable expression covering his features as he gazed away, mouth slightly open.
"Are you sleep walking?" Darren asked dumbly.
Chris looked up at him, startled, but his face stretched into a smile. Darren fucking loved putting that smile on his face.
"If you hadn't noticed, I'm actually lying down," he said, humoring him.
"Okay," Darren said, trying again. "Are you sleep-lying-down, then?"
"I guess sleep-lying-down would count as normal sleeping, Darren," Chris said, hiding a chuckle behind his lips.
"You get what I mean," Darren huffed, frustrated with not getting his point across.
He smiled with Chris, though, happy about getting rid of that uneasy look on his face. Chris grinned a little, the silence turning into some sort of tension before Chris spoke again.
"No, I'm not sleeping," Chris said, shifting a little beneath the covers and tangling his legs with Darren. He felt warm and heavy beside him, and suddenly Darren became aware of how close they were. "If you hadn't noticed I'm actually talking to you."
"Okay, well, never mind then," Darren murmured, forgetting why he'd brought it up in the first place.
Right now all he could do was stare at Chris lips. And suddenly he became very, very pleased about the fact that he hadn't left. Last time, after they were done fucking, he'd left. Chris was still here. Hair messy with sleep. Cheek covered in creases from Darren's pillow. And very, very present.
Chris was the one to lean in and brush their lips together. Darren responded immediately, a huff of air going through his nose as arousal shot through him, hard and sudden. The hand on his chest went to grab at Darren's waist, holding him with a sure hand, and Darren practically melted into Chris control.
"Mmh," Chris said as he pulled back, Darren's gaze lust-heavy as he stared back at him. "Drink, um, drink this?"
Chris hand disappeared and went to take the glass on the nightstand. Darren raised his eyebrows with question, staring at the clear liquid inside the glass.
"Water," Chris said, laughing quietly at Darren's confusion. "Not trying to drug you. You just woke up, I-"
Darren laughed, and Chris put the glass to his lips, tilting it a little as he gulped down. Chris put the glass back on the table, and Darren kept some of it in his mouth to rinse out his teeth. Once that was swallowed down he released a refreshed breath and smiled brightly at Chris.
"Morning breath's not a turn on for you?" he asked with a grin, mouth going to nibble at Chris jawline.
Chris didn't answer. He seemed a little preoccupied when Darren was sucking at the tight skin between his jawline and neck.
"I'll try to remember that."
Darren's words ghosted unnoticed on Chris neck, and he let out a small sound at the sensation. Darren could feel Chris erection against his thigh, could feel it grow as he sucked slow kisses onto his neck. Chris was groaning with it, hand returning to Darren's waist and squeezing hard and dominating, pushing against Darren so that he was back on top.
Darren let himself be pressed down. They kissed. Chris nuzzled his nose next to Darren's, his breath heavy and horny on Darren's lips. Darren let out a needy sound at the sensation, wanting more, his body thrumming with want. Chris ground his hips down, and they both gasped at how good the friction felt.
Chris got on top of Darren fully then, straddling him, and their cocks lined up next to each other in respective underwear, hard and full and pressed together. Darren stuttered out a moan, but it was silenced by Chris eager lips. They were rocking together for a few moments, and Darren was making soft noises. Every little grunt coming from Chris was so loud in Darren's ears, was such a reward and turned him on further, knowing that Chris, who was usually silent, was so turned on even he let out breaths and grunts and groans at how they felt when they were fucking like this. Clothed and hard and wanting.
Chris went faster then. His pace changed so suddenly, so unexpectedly, that Darren's moan got high pitched, like a squeal. Chris huffed a breathy laugh, and Darren smiled, but the way Chris was pressing against him returned their focus to their bodies almost immediately.
Chris came first, and Darren followed after a couple thrusts. Chris coming was Darren's new favorite thing. There was no better reward, really. It was such tangible proof that Chris wanted him, was attracted to him.
But then Chris was gone too soon. He was standing up at the side of the bed, and then he left the room silently. Darren was still heavy from the orgasm, so he just lied there, a hand carding through his hair. He was too satisfied with the orgasm to be worrying right now. And Chris was back after just a couple of minutes. Darren propped himself up on his elbows happily, expecting Chris to get back into bed with him. He wanted another kiss and possibly another round, but then Chris was getting dressed. He slid on his tight jeans and pulled his shirt over his head urgently.
"Are you going somewhere...?" Darren asked, disappointment already nestling inside his chest.
"Yeah, going home," Chris nodded like it was nothing. "Got some stuff to do."
Darren's brows furrowed, and Chris stopped in his tracks for a moment after taking the brown leather jacket from Darren's pile of clothes.
"Is there a problem?" Chris asked, oblivious.
That was what got to Darren the most. Chris didn't get it. Darren sat up fully on the bed, silent, trying to figure out the next thing to say. He could feel his entire body going tight, forgetting how amazing it had felt just moments ago. The only thing tangible now was the way Chris looked at him, like he was less to Chris than Chris was to him. It hurt.
"So that's why you stayed the night this time?" Darren asked, not looking up. "To get off? You didn't get what you wanted last night so you-"
"What do you think this is?" Chris asked sternly, and something hardened in his eyes.
He didn't look like the quiet, unsure guy he was outside of sex, but he wasn't controlling and confident in the way he was when they were fucking either. He was angry, and nothing in his stance was doing anything to attempt to cover that up. Darren felt his heart beat with betrayal. He was trying so hard not to have his face scrunch up dramatically like it did when he became upset.
"Last night-" Darren's voice was loud, but he couldn't quiet down. "What about last night?"
"What about last night?" Chris asked, but he was faking it. He had to be faking it. He knew about last night. About that kiss. About... everything. He wasn't ready to have that question answered either, didn't want the truth slapped in his face, so he kept talking. "Whatever. I'm out of here."
Darren hadn't expected that. He'd at least wanted them to make up, somewhat, before he left. But apparently Chris didn't even have time for that. He didn't care that he left Darren hurting.
"Chris."
Chris eyes were still hard and unforgiving. There was a wall there and Darren had nothing to get through it.
Chris stood up easily, and left.
Darren left his bedroom after a few moments of gathering his thoughts and lessening the urge to cry or put his fist to the wall. It took a while, but he left his bedroom, and once he did he saw Joey.
The surprise of seeing him lounging casually on the couch startled him out of his thoughts of Chris enough to care that Joey probably knew that Chris had stayed the night.
"So what was that all about?" Joey asked, eyebrow arching at Darren who was standing there, confused and only in his underwear (which were still sticky with drying come, oh God).
"Wh-wh-wha-" Darren stopped, huffing an unamused laugh at his inability to stop stuttering. "What do you mean?"
"One minute you guys were sounding very happy in there and the next Chris was out the door all pissed off," Joey shrugged. He didn't seem to care the slightest that it had been Chris, that guy he'd attempted to save Darren from only weeks ago.
Darren blinked. He had no response.
"I talked to him, by the way," Joey said. "Last night. He was watching TV on the couch when I came home."
Darren sat down next to Joey silently, and Joey muted the TV.
"You could've just told me you guys were... having fun together, or whatever," Joey said. He looked so calm about everything, obviously hiding some betrayal, and then smiled crookedly. "That's what he called it, anyway."
"I'm sorry," Darren said. He wanted to say just that to Chris as well. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for feeling too much, just don't leave.
"And you've got it bad for him, don't you?" Joey asked, casually.
Darren didn't meet his gaze. Didn't confirm his suspicions. Or perhaps that's what did it, because Joey squeezed his shoulder with a small chuckle. His hand went to Darren's face, tilting it up and forcing him to look at him.
"Stop being so scared of me," Joey said. "Stop with this... internalized homophobia or whatever. It's not cool."
"I'm not-" Darren protested, feeling torn.
"Then why is this so different from you having a girl over?" Joey asked. He retreated his hand from Darren's face. "If it had been a girl you would've been raving about it. Don't tell me I'm wrong."
Darren's face was hot with conflicting emotions.
"Now let's watch Teen Moms and eat M&M's, okay?" Joey smiled. He seemed to realize what pressure he was putting on Darren now, and Darren was thankful for the change of subject.
Darren relaxed and sat back in the couch. He propped his feet up on the table and took a mouthful of M&M's from the bowl on the table.
"Sounds good to me."
Joey turned the sound back on then, and the moment was over. Darren's eyes stared blindly at the screen. His thoughts were still with Chris, with how he'd left. Their feelings were not mutual, and it hurt to even construct that thought. Just when he was about to start shaking with how much the rejection hurt, Darren's phone buzzed on the table. He looked at it immediately. It was a text message from Chris.
I want to keep doing this, Darren. But this is college.
Darren groaned, ignoring the side-glance from Joey. His chest felt tight with disappointment, but something inside him was still so, so relieved that Chris didn't just cut him off completely. He wanted to be the strong one, the one to make demands, but... He didn't have the courage to risk whatever they had now. He sent a text message back and locked his phone. He didn't want to look at their conversation a second longer.
Me too. I understand.
TBC