Drink, Drank, Drunk part #6: The Confession
After three calls went straight to voice mail, Darren gave up on trying to call Chris today. The tension in Sam's kitchen started to dissipate for each time Darren put his phone down, and the conversations went farther from Chris and the seriousness of their situation for every word that was spoken. The only small mention of him was, "He's not picking up?" from Sam, and when Darren shook his head, "you probably won't have any luck with it tonight. Let's just hang out instead."
Said and done, the guys had their pizza, and Sam and Joey acted like best bros, and they kept discussing trivial things. It might've worked to keep their consciences clean, but Darren's shoulders were still tight. He hadn't decided on how he'd approach Sam now that he knew his part of the story. Darren could understand the discomfort of having a close friend fall for you. He himself had been in a similar situation once. The part that bothered him was the fact that Sam actually lead Chris on, had sex with him, and tried to convince Chris that it was safer not to feel anything, for any person, at all.
Darren cared about Chris. He had no desire to impress this Sam-fellow, who had admittedly been the one to discourage Chris's feelings towards him and put them in an awkward position. A part of Darren strongly disagreed with that notion, reminding him that it was his own fault, that putting the blame on others was too easy. Darren's heart beat with conflicted emotions. And Sam and Joey were still sitting there, chatting away as happily as ever. They went to the living room and popped in a movie, one that Darren hadn't seen before and didn't care enough to remember the name of.
Darren was just about to attempt to join the lighthearted conversation and actually care about the movie when he felt his phone buzz in his hands. He clicked the home-button with a shaking thumb, and the screen said New Message from Chris.
Darren tried not to inhale audibly like he wanted to, tried not to let on the pace of his now erratically beating heart. But his hands were starting to shake and his nerves betrayed him. He slid the phone unlocked and got to Chris's message.
I'm at work so I can't pick up the phone. What's up?
Casual. Chris went for casual of all things. Chris actually responded, went out of his way while he was working to send Darren a text. Darren couldn't stop the hopefulness starting within him. His body went from being tight with worry and regret to fill with nerves of excitement as he tried to think of an appropriate response.
I just miss you.
He'd never get to see Chris again if he told him everything that had happened tonight, and everything he now knew. Missing him didn't have to mean anything, really. It could be purely sexual and non-romantic and exactly what Chris wanted from him.
Shift ends in ten minutes. Wanna meet at yours?
Darren's thumbs stumbled over the screen so quickly he had to go back and change almost every word from being misspelled.
Yeah. I'm not home now but I'll be there in fifteen.
Chris's response came immediately.
Okay. See you soon.
Darren looked up from his phone to see that Sam and Joey were watching him with expectant smiles. Of course they'd noticed he was just sitting there texting away, not participating in any way. He smiled back hesitantly.
"It's just my buddy Denise," he lied with a shrug. "She asked me to meet up with her at our place."
"Oh, you're leaving?" Sam asked, sounding weirdly disappointed.
"Uh, yeah," Darren said. "She said it was important."
"Okay, well you two have all the fun you want," Joey winked. Darren rolled his eyes. He had told Joey that him and Denise weren't those kind of friends anymore. "I'm staying here over the night, so."
Darren looked at Sam who looked at Joey, and tried to hide the relief he felt at not risking interruptions tonight.
"Cool," he said casually. "Okay. I'll see you guys around then."
They nodded and high fived him before he left, which was still kind of weird given their situation, but Darren just went with it. There was no sense in causing disturbance with them now that he'd make things right with Chris.
Once Darren was out the door he filled his lungs with air, held it there for a couple seconds, and released it. His body didn't respond the way he wanted it to, though. His shoulders still felt tight and big on either side of his head, and his heart beat hard with betrayal. He wanted to just be cool, but damn it, he hadn't met Chris in two weeks. Now that he knew about him, now that he knew some extent of what he'd been through, he felt his stomach flutter and churn as if he was sitting on a roller coaster going down its steepest slope.
Seeing Chris outside of his dorm, clad in his regular brown leather jacket and dark-blue jeans, brought a mixture of comfortable familiarity and new point of view after everything he'd found out about him tonight to Darren. The way Chris held himself, very poised in the way that you could tell he was present but not uptight, gave away that he knew how he looked to the world. Darren himself didn't have the same level of self consciousness. Darren knew that you couldn't tell by looking at Chris that he'd been hurt the way he had, but maybe that was a conscious decision. Chris made himself look more confident than he was.
Chris's jaw stiffened once he heard someone walk towards him, and the miniscule turn and tilt of his head as he looked for the source of the sound was familiar. Darren immediately smiled, couldn't help himself. They'd been in this position plenty of times. Meeting up, hooking up, and doing each other casually. And still, Darren felt like a kid on Christmas morning, given that it had been two weeks since they actually met.
Last time had been different, though, and Darren wasn't completely certain why Chris had agreed to see him. He'd even been the one to propose for them to meet at all. But Chris smiled as if nothing had happened and Darren smiled back, doing a dorky little wave before they were up close.
"Hey," Darren said. "How are you?"
Casual. Keep it casual.
"Just fine," Chris nodded. "Work was a drag, but um... I'm here now. How about you?"
"Yeah, I'm cool," Darren said quickly, barely hearing what Chris said because of how nervous he was.
They were silent for a moment before Darren spoke up again.
"I really... I really did miss you."
Chris regarded Darren carefully. Darren could tell by the way his eyebrows were slightly arched, how his bottom lip jutted out that he was trying to assess the moment, thinking of what was appropriate and what wasn't, and then his worried lips turned into a confident smirk.
"Mh," Chris hummed and stepped into Darren's personal space. He tilted his head. "Did you?"
"I did," Darren nodded and looked at Chris's eyes, watching them darken as they flitted over Darren's features.
"I'm here now," Chris whispered seductively, a hand going up to trace Darren's bicep, and God it did things to him.
Darren bit his lip, still staring at Chris's eyes and knowing what they meant. Chris was not up for talking tonight, that was for sure. The intensity and electricity of them said it all, and Darren wanted to give into it. He didn't want to think of what was between them and what they had been through, so he decided to put things off, just for now. Just so they could do what they wanted. Chris could probably sense Darren's hesitation, because he squeezed Darren's shoulder and stared at him with those big, filthy eyes that only wanted one thing. Darren couldn't say no to that. So he gave in.
They were in Darren's apartment without as much as another exchange of words, and Chris took his jacket and put his hands on Darren's shoulders, squeezing, as soon as they were in Darren's bedroom. Darren looked up at Chris's lips and let out a shuddering breath. The affirmation he felt from being wanted this way filled his chest.
Chris leaned down and brushed Darren's lips with his own. Darren tilted his head up and met them, putting pressure into the kiss. His hands went to Chris's sides automatically. The motions of making out with Chris were almost down to his core now, he could do it without thinking. But he had to think. Had to realize that Chris was broken, and that they wouldn't get anywhere fast if they kept going like this. But then Chris licked into Darren's mouth, and the silence of the room filled Darren's ears, made his thoughts slip away. The moment felt serene, honest even, in spite of everything Chris didn't know Darren knew.
Some part of Chris might have had a hunch. He must have caught up on the tender way Darren accepted his kisses tonight, the way he restrained the eagerness he usually kept no bounds on. But Chris didn't put two and two together. He just kept going, and before they knew it they were out of their shirts and Chris was on top of Darren on the bed.
Darren would have thought it would be hard to slip in to these roles this time, after Darren had laid it all out and confessed his true feelings and Chris rejected him cold-heartedly. He would have thought it would feel strange, somehow, to have the person who'd ignored him for two weeks push him down in the mattress like so many times before. Hear him groan silently above him, nip at his jawline, suck kisses into his tender skin.
Rather, their two week fall out rather made everything more intense. They were both going slower than they usually did, savoring every moment. Barely-there presses of lips. Chris holding Darren's hands down into the mattress on either side of him. Chris's shuddering breaths going over Darren's throat as he licked up along a prominent vein gently. Darren had gotten hard as soon as their lips first met, and by now his erection was about to verge on painful, but he still let himself be held down, let Chris take control. He took deep breaths and allowed moments to pass without a rush.
Though the motions were pretty much the same except slower, most of what they were doing felt different to Darren. The guy on top of him wasn't some sexual deviant who was only in it for sex and a quick fix, not deep down. The guy on top of him had been severely hurt and pity-fucked and rejected. He'd been denied feeling the full extent of his emotions, cut himself off not to go through rejection a third time. He refused to believe, for a second, that Darren meant every last word he'd said when he confessed how Chris truly made him feel when they were together. How he felt everything in his very core, and not just physically.
Chris released Darren's hands and instead shifted his weight onto his forearms now situated on either side of Darren's head. The change made the sensation even more intensely intimate. Darren could feel Chris's thigh press between his legs, could feel every last inch that covered him. Their chests moved together as they shared breaths, kissing slowly. Darren grasped for Chris's bare sides. His fingers brushed into the dip in Chris's back, traced it up and down. Chris's breathing changed at that, caught a little in his throat, and Darren felt a very clear stiffening where Chris's cock was pressing down onto his hip.
Darren's body was tingling, verging on uncomfortable, and Chris kissed him harder. Darren hummed and squeezed Chris's sides. Chris ground his hips down onto Darren, and fuck. He'd missed this. He'd missed the way his jeans pressed and refused his erection to spring free. He'd missed the friction of Chris's hard package grinding along side it. He'd missed being held down, he'd missed loss of control, he'd missed hard kisses and fleeting gazes that meant much and holding back cries of pleasure.
But something in him wanted stop. He needed to say something, something that indicated that he knew that he understood and that he wanted to talk about it whenever Chris was ready.
Darren pushed his head back a little, away from Chris's eager mouth, and their eyes met. Darren felt his heart start up, beating faster but not from arousal.
Chris's eyes were wet.
"Chris," Darren barely-voiced, a hand going to cup his cheek and dry the wet corner of his eye.
Darren could feel more tears press against his thumb then, one drop escaping when Chris blinked and landing on Darren's cheek.
"What's the matter?" Darren asked, voice soft and god, he didn't mean to sound pitiful but he kind of did.
Darren was surprised at Chris's presence, how his eyes didn't immediately dry up and go hard at Darren's noticing how emotional he was. No, Chris was there and he was trying to manage his stuttering breaths and swallowed down what Darren assumed were sobs.
"It's... been rough," Chris breathed out then, leaning down to kiss Darren fully again. "Without you."
Chris's eyelashes brushed against Darren and he could feel the wetness there. Darren kissed back, brows furrowing. He mussed his hands up into Chris's hair and held their lips together for a few moments, just there and emotional and hearts aching for intimacy. He wanted this moment to last forever. Wanted Chris to be present, to feel, to allow his emotions to tip over and flow out, to let Darren into his space more than just physically.
Then Chris started to hump Darren more purposefully, chasing whatever sensation was coming to him and Darren wasn't late to follow. He could feel the familiar curling in his stomach that only accelerated when Chris started to gasp and moan above him. Darren's hand went to take a couple of handfuls of Chris's ass, ground up against him and then Chris suddenly stilled tightly for a moment before a string of pornographic noises emptied out of him as he came, and amazingly, Darren came at the exact same time.
Once cooled down and sated, Chris heavy and lax above him, Darren caught him with his eyes wet and reddened yet again. It felt as though Chris knew. And Darren wanted to make it all right, wanted to stop Chris from crying any more. He kissed Chris sweetly.
"I'm sorry," Darren whispered against Chris's lips. "I'm so sorry for what I said to you last time. I wasn't thinking. I was so stupid, Chris."
"Don't," Chris murmured. "I didn't treat you right, I..."
Chris stopped himself mid-sentence and kissed Darren.
Darren's hand went to grasp at Chris's shoulders again and they looked at each other for a moment, just breathing and calming down.
"I shouldn't have said what I said," Darren said, shaking his head a little bit. "I didn't know what it meant."
Chris looked at Darren for a moment, and for a split second it felt as though Chris knew that Darren knew. For a split second they shared a silent exchange where everything was out in the open and they were so still. The silence of the room suddenly felt empty, and Chris's eyes hardened. He avoided meeting Darren's gaze directly, and he squirmed almost unnoticeably on top of Darren in discomfort.
"Chris, no," Darren said and held Chris almost forcefully, afraid that he might run away. "Please, tell me what you're thinking."
"You did something," Chris said then, staring down at Darren with distance. "I can tell. You've... What did you do, Darren?"
Chris sat up next to Darren on the bed, stretched his arms out over his head and looked away. Darren suddenly felt very cold. His stomach hurt with overstepped boundaries, with the guilt he felt at finding out about Chris's personal life without his consent.
"Why did you call me before?" Chris asked when Darren kept silent.
He sounded as if he was trying not to let his mouth run away with him. Speaking slowly, every word carefully articulated.
"I...," Darren started.
He'd been so prone on letting Chris know everything just a couple of hours ago. If Chris had picked up the phone then he might've told him everything, because then he hadn't expected Chris to want to forgive him anyway. Now, though... Now that they'd shared this, each other's personal space and kisses and orgasms like nothing needed to be said, he hesitated.
"Just tell me," Chris said.
He lied down next to him and carded his fingers through Darren's hair tenderly.
"I wanted to talk," Darren said, and his voice was small, soaked with guilt. "I wanted to apologize for... for what I said to you."
"And now you have," Chris said slowly. "But there's something else."
"There's something else," Darren repeated, mostly to stall.
They shared another one of those looks, one that clearly estimated the distance between them, the one that could only be filled by Darren telling Chris the truth. And so, Darren took a breath of preparation before he said the words he'd been so scared to utter.
"I talked to Sam."
Chris's eyes changed with several different ranges of held-back emotion, but Darren could make them all out. First, shock. Second, confusion. Third, rage. And fourth, resentment. But Chris stayed next to Darren. He could feel the way Chris was stiffening next to him, how his muscles went tight and how he tried so hard not to let his initial reactions get the best of him, but he was there.
"What did he say?" Chris asked, surprisingly composed.
"He...," Darren started, then stopped.
He felt as if his lungs were giving out on him, as if everything was too close. It was similar to the way he'd felt when Denise tried to have sex with him. As if he was betraying someone, betraying Chris and it affected him to the extent that it hurt him physically. He couldn't breathe, couldn't move even though he felt like he had to.
Chris must've noticed Darren's sudden state of panic, because he sat up on the bed almost immediately, and helped him up into a seating position next to him. Chris squeezed Darren's shoulder momentarily.
"Okay, Darren, calm down," he said so tenderly that Darren's heart wanted to burst with affection. "No need to panic. Breathe with me."
He listened to pace of Chris's calm breaths and tried to match it. Air rushed back to him and he could breathe again, didn't feel dizzy anymore, and he leaned into Chris's touch. He cuddled into Chris where they were sitting, resting his head on Chris's shoulder. His stomach still hurt, though, hurt bad.
"Okay," Darren said, taking a moment to figure out how to say anything at this point. "Okay. I wanted... I wanted to get close to you again, and... I kept seeing you everywhere."
"Yeah," Chris said. "I saw you, too."
Darren looked up into Chris's eyes, and they were calm. Calm, and still affectionate. Darren got a sudden urge to cry, because he realized that the way Chris was currently looking at him would change in just a matter of seconds.
"And I kept seeing you with the same guy." Darren kept talking mostly to stop his emotions from accelerating out of control. "So, since I thought you didn't want to ever speak to me again, Joey and I agreed we'd try and talk to him. And then we did."
Chris raised an eyebrow, moved away from him. Darren had expected that, but it was still like a punch in the gut. He sat up straight so that they were facing each other, and while Chris's gaze was stern and unfaltering, Darren avoided looking Chris straight in the eyes.
"You brought Joey into this?" was what Chris asked.
It made Darren feel even worse. Too many people were involved in what should have been between Darren and Chris, and it was Darren's fault. He just nodded solemnly, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment, trying to find some strength within him to keep talking.
"What did Sam say?" Chris's voice sounded far-away, and Darren wasn't sure if it was his imagination or the fact that Chris was losing trust in both Darren and Sam.
Darren opened his eyes and took a breath.
"He told me what he did, what he-," Darren rushed out. "That he hurt you, and that you were in love with him and that you only found me for some kind of rebound business and..."
"That's not what you were," Chris said quickly.
Darren stopped, blinked.
"I can't believe you," Chris went on. "What is this, high school?"
Chris didn't look affectionate anymore. He looked vengeful. Vengeful and tired at the same time. As if he was getting used to being hurt like this. And yet again, Chris was making Darren feel like a dumb five-year-old who apparently had no sense of personal boundaries.
"I'm not made of glass, Darren," Chris said. "You could've talked to me. You could've manned up and apologized, and then maybe, maybe I would have felt ready to tell you about Sam myself."
Darren had never felt so stupid, so small, so extremely lazy, but at the same time he felt a need to explain his actions.
"You're not exactly the easiest person to read, Chris," Darren said slowly. "I... I thought you never wanted to see me again, let alone talk to me. Besides, you've been pretty clear with how little I mean to you."
"You're the one who leaves the room as soon as you see me at school," Chris bit back. "You were the one to ignore me. From what I gathered, my little breakdown in the bathroom freaked you out so fucking back you didn't want to talk to me."
"Are you kidding?" Darren let out an unamused huff of laughter. "You basically told me to go fuck myself the last time we met."
"And you know why now, don't you?" Chris snapped.
Chris's glare was ice, freezing through Darren and making him regret every word that came out of his mouth.
Darren was just defending himself, which was down-right childish at this point. Chris was a person with flaws and emotions and none of this was fair to him. Darren regretted the way he'd brought this up already, how he acted as though Chris was the one at fault. But his mouth had a tendency of running away with him the way he'd tried not to ever since he'd accidentally hurt Chris last time.
"God," Darren said with a sigh. "I sound like a jerk. I'm such a fucking jerk. I'm sorry."
Chris sighed, gaze dropping to look at his hands, the way he squeezed them into fists and then released, repeatedly.
They simply sat there, half-naked on Darren's messy bed. They'd long forgotten how good they'd felt just a few moments ago, when they were busy with the rush of their orgasms and how amazing they were together and how much they needed the other. Now the bed felt cold, and their unresolved issues were dangling heavily between them.
Finally, Chris looked up with wet eyes.
"I feel humiliated." Darren didn't recognize Chris's voice like this, all wrecked and sad.
Darren's breathing started to become panicky again. If Chris, who knew how to stop his emotions so well, couldn't stop these, it meant that Darren had hurt him on a level that meant something.
"You went to my best friend just to get out the scoop on me," Chris continued. "Just to find out why I'm so fucked up?"
"No, no, Chris, I just wanted to-"
"Wanted to get some closer evidence that you're not the one who's wrong, that I'm the bad guy? Or did you go there so that he could tell you just how fucking undesirable I am?"
"Please just stop," Darren pleaded weakly.
Chris closed his mouth tightly and stared Darren down, breathing heavily from his nose. His eyes were still wet, betraying the attempted rage he tried to convey through his voice. Chris wasn't angry. He was sad. And that was what got to Darren the most.
"He didn't- I knew it was wrong as soon as I went over there," Darren said. "I swear. He only said that you guys... That you were in love with him and he wasn't in love with you and that you hooked up with me to get over him and-"
Darren stopped when Chris's face scrunched. Tears were falling freely down his cheeks now. Darren reached out to touch, to comfort, but Chris flinched away. He scooted to sit on the edge on the bed, his back to Darren and just a couple of steps from leaving again.
"I went a long way from my hometown," Chris spit out, and the way he was speaking through his sniffs and sobs almost made the words indecipherable. "Tried to get away from my old life. Make the shit stop. But there's shit everywhere."
Chris stood up, and Darren immediately followed. He couldn't let Chris leave, not this time. Chris looked back at him. They were both breathing heavily, shallowly, trying to control their emotions. All Darren wanted was to be able to look Chris in the eye without being met by down-right poisonous resentment.
"Chris," Darren pleaded.
Chris's brows furrowed sadly, and his bottom lip quivered the way it had in the library bathroom. He was trying so, so hard to keep it together, Darren realized. Chris was close to leaving, just at the brink of feeling too much to stay, but he was still there. That had to mean something.
Darren walked up to him, daring closer, swallowing his fears.
"I wish I hadn't found out this way," he said. His heart beat so loudly he could barely hear his own voice. "But I don't think less of you after what Sam said. You're still you, and I still want you, Chris."
Chris shook his head, blinked, looked up at the ceiling. Darren put a hand on his shoulder and turned him to face him.
"I want you," Darren repeated. "I don't care that Sam was an asshole to you, or what kind of shit you've been through before that. None of that was your fault."
The corners of Chris's mouth turned downwards and his brows furrowed deeper, his eyes black and shining with tears. Something about Chris's reaction seemed as though no one had told him that before. As if no one had gotten close enough that Chris would even consider letting them know enough to try to reassure him, and here Darren was basically forcing himself into Chris's headspace. Darren didn't know whether to estimate that as something Chris needed, or if he was just being an inconsiderate jerk.
"None of that matters to me, because you're you," Darren said. "You're you and I'm... falling for you."
Chris's expression changed, then. His features smoothed out, and even though his eyes were red from crying and his face was flushed, there was now something tangible about him. He was reachable.
Darren dried the tears off Chris's cheeks. He squeezed at his shoulders with both hands before he wrapped his arms around his neck, thread his fingers into his hair and held him. Chris released a scattered sob, breathing quickly to cover it up and undo it.
"I swear, Chris," Darren said. "I'm not going anywhere."
And as he finally leaned in to kiss Chris tenderly, Chris met him halfway and crashed their lips together.
The kisses were hard, at first uncomfortably so, but needed. It was as if Chris was taking out his anger through the kisses, so Darren slowed them. He held the back of Chris head and just pushed their lips together, sweet and still, letting Chris cry and shake into them.
"I'm just so," Chris whispered, breathing wetly, "exhausted."
Darren rested his forehead against Chris's, a soothing thumb caressing his cheek. Chris's arms wrapped around Darren's waist, making Darren's heart leap.
"I'm not perfect, Darren," Chris sniffed, and their eyes met.
"I'm not asking you to be," Darren said.
Chris exhaled through his nose and closed the gap between their lips gratefully. Darren slid his tongue into Chris's mouth and the wet sounds of their lips smacking and tongues licking and exploring one another filled the room. Darren breathed in, his body suddenly remembering how these kind of sounds and touches usually affected him, and his hardening cock pushed against Chris's hip through his jeans. Chris hummed back, a hand going down to feel at Darren's package, and Darren whined into Chris's mouth.
"Do you forgive me?" Darren asked suddenly, which was probably a little weird given that his aching cock was in Chris's grasp, but he had to ask.
Chris pulled back and looked at Darren steadily, pressing his hand harder at Darren's cock.
"For talking to Sam about you," Darren clarified. "It was uncalled for and... I'll never do it again."
Chris kissed Darren and squeezed him through his jeans. Darren moaned inappropriately, too far gone to keep focused on what was important.
"We'll talk later," Chris said. "Okay?"
Chris could've asked for just about anything at this point and Darren would be fine with it. He nodded, his state of arousal definitely getting the better of him. And so Chris pushed him back down on the bed to undress him, to fuck him, and to make himself feel good if only for the time it took for them to come together a second time tonight.
Anything to chase that feeling of being wanted.
TBC