Yes I am not dead! Though as some have already stated, it was suspected. I'm glad to see that even though the story was quiet (for years) it is still being enjoyed. I started writing this as the chapter that gets Raven home, but it has a mind of its own. I must say, it is much darker than I originally planned. What can I say? This is just the way it came out. Now that I am back, I will be finishing the story in the next few weeks. I already have another one planned, but I wont start it until this one is done or I'll never get this one all out and as some have told me, I will be a dead woman if I don't. So enjoy. Again, it's darker than I planned, but this is just the way it took me.

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Raven leaned into Speedy as he maneuvered his bike through the slick winter streets. Had it been a regular motorcycle, Raven wouldn't be caught dead weaving through the streets. However, being a Titan and having access to the latest technology had its advantages. These particular tires were holding onto the road as if it were the sunny, dry streets of Jump. If it weren't for the biting cold of the air around them, Raven wouldn't have even noticed the weather.

As it was, Raven was layered in as many clothes as possible. She had on thermal underwear, fleece lined pants, a lined jacket, gloves, mittens, two hats and a scarf all to keep out the biting cold. And all so Speedy could challenge Robin to a motorcycle race when they finally reached Jump. Oh what she did for her friends.

Speedy hit the gas as they reached another straight patch in the road and Raven leaned in even more, attempting to pull what heat she could from the man in front of her as well as to use him as a wind shield. For not the first time, she wished that she had opted to hitch a ride with Aqualad in the truck. But Speedy had given her those big, sad, puppy dog eyes and she had caved. After all, she would only get to spend so much time with them after this little trip was over.

That was another thing. They had a truck! A moving truck! What in the hell did they need a moving truck for? She only had a few boxes. Yes she knew that she had acquired a few things, like civilian clothes, a few gifts, and pictures and music, but hardly enough to need an entire moving truck! Aqualad had been adamant that they needed it however. And Speedy had backed him up. The two boys had assured her it was for moving back Bee's supplies, but Raven wasn't entirely sure she believed them.

Of course there was nothing she could do in her current situation. She was entirely too busy trying to maintain a proper body temperature. Meanwhile, Aqualad, Mas, and Menos were all snug and dry in a nice warm truck cab. Damn Speedy and his silver tongue. They slowed as a series or hairpin turns came up in front of them and Raven decided that it was more prudent to pay attention to holding on and worry about why they needed a truck later. Thank goodness they would be heading South. The next few days should at least be tolerable weather wise. Until then, Raven concentrated on just keeping warm.

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The Titans East were rather enjoying their little trip. As Speedy and Raven led the way on Speedy's bike, the other three followed in the truck. They would drive for a few hours, pull off for food and to stretch their legs, and then start up again. After long hours of driving they would pick a random little town and a random hotel and pull in for some much needed rest. Thank goodness they had all had large family style rooms available. The twins and Aqualad took one room, Raven another, and Speedy took the couch. It was easy for everyone to hang out and then easy to separate for bed.

During these rest stops, the friends would pick a movie to fall asleep to, or they would just sit around sharing stories. It was a giant Team Night and as the days passed, Raven knew she would miss these nights just as she would miss these Titans. As much as she complained about these nights, they had helped in bringing her out of her shell. These friends had succeeded in ways that the Raven of old could never have imagined.

However, as they approached their destination, Raven began to wonder how long this new Raven could possibly last. These young men had succeeded in part because they had no preconceived idea of how she should act. She had had a clean slate. But back at Titans West, she would receive looks and confusion over her character change. It had not been a personality overhaul for the average person, but for Raven that's exactly what it was. And where these Titans had become used to this being Raven, the Titans West would not know what to do with her. And Raven was not sure she would be able to maintain this more open Raven without a little push.

With a sigh, Raven tried to shut down this line of thought and just enjoy the moment now. This was their last night before reaching Jump tomorrow. It was their last night as a team, and then everything would go back to the way it had been. Raven shook her head and again returned her attention to Speedy, who was waving a hand in front of her face.

"Yoo-hoo. Earth to Raven. Where did you go?"

Raven raised a brow in Speedy's direction. "Oh I am so sorry that your stories of your many conquests could not maintain my interest. Please continue to talk about yourself in such a way that I might find you irresistible."

The rest of the boys laughed. Speedy however looked slightly offended. "I'll have you know that many a woman would love to be in your shoes."

Raven rested her head on one hand. "Bored?"

Speedy leaned forward with a smile. "Simply in my presence."

"Speedy, I must say that I have never held the women you prefer to keep in your presence in very high esteem." Raven was amazing at this verbal sparring. Because of her training and her ability to keep emotions in check, her bored tone often served to her advantage. It would seem that anything you said could not get an emotional response, which would just get a bigger rise out of her opponent. She did love sparring with Speedy though, because he could win the matches almost as often as she could. He was a worthy adversary.

Aqualad was smiling widely as he looked over at Speedy. He had seen enough of these matches to know which Titan would end up the victor. "I think she won this round. Don't draw out the defeat."

Speedy leaned back in his chair, an easy smile on his face. "I'll give her this round, but only because its our last night." And with those words, a stillness came over the room. As fun as the trip had been, it was still a grim reminder that Raven would be leaving them. They had all missed Bee, but something about this Titan had drawn them together as a team in a way they had never been before.

Raven had to change the mood. This couldn't be how they ended the night. Besides, she needed to forget her upset as well. She tucked away emotion and rolled her eyes at them. She crossed her arms and looked them all over. "Boys, so emotional over a simple statement. And they call girls the overemotional sex."

Speedy, catching on to the mood change, grinned. "I don't think overemotional would ever describe you Rae."

Aqualad chuckled. "I would have to agree. I have never met anyone with the emotional control you have."

The twins glanced at each other, grinned and nodded their heads in agreement.

Raven wasn't sure she was fond of the topic matter, but at least the mood had changed, so she went along with it. "Oh compared to when I first joined the Titans, I am a typical emotional female." Raven tried to choose her words carefully. After all, these Titans did not in fact know how much she had grown emotionally over the last year. It was this ignorance that had allowed them to push her. The Titans West had seen what unchecked emotions could do to her powers, so they took no for an answer fairly easily. Raven had in turn become used to saying no, so while she had been making more of an effort to join activities she still was not being pushed as far as emotional development was going. These Titans had never seen her true power and therefore they pushed her more.

Speedy broke though her thoughts. "You know, you haven't shared any little Raven tidbits in awhile. Let's hear about this 'unemotional' Raven."

Raven raised a brow, "You have got to be kidding."

Before Speedy could respond, Aqualad jumped in. "I know I'd like to hear more about what you were like. We didn't know you before this adventure, so we have nothing to base this growth upon. In fact, trying to picture you as a child is difficult. Children are active and emotional, but according to you, emotion affects your powers. So how could you have even had a childhood?"

ns

Raven looked down at her lap. Now the change of topic had really taken a turn for the worse. This would hardly uplift the mood for the evening. But Raven also felt the determination for information. It was coming off of Speedy in waves. He wasn't going to let this drop. Aqualad was a pursuer of knowledge, so it didn't surprise her that he was interested, however if she asked, he would drop it. The twins just sat and watched her with wide eyes. They were simply waiting on her decision.

It was those looks that pushed Raven to talk. These were her friends, waiting to understand Raven, and she realized that she wanted them to understand her. She wanted them to understand why she had little choice in her personality. It had been determined for her simply based on her power and her destiny.

Raven looked up and stated simply, "I didn't."

Speedy chimed in, "Come on, Rae. Everyone has a childhood. Maybe its not good, but everyone has toys and books, and friends. Even if just imaginary friends. They play, its natural."

Raven shook her head, "Nothing about my birth was natural so why would my childhood be any different?" She didn't wait for an answer. They all seemed to know that if she was interrupted, she may not continue. "I never even knew my own mother, not really. She was just another face. She wasn't allowed to tell me who she was, she could not hug me, or make me feel better if I fell. It wasn't until much later that I knew that she was the woman who had given birth to me, the woman who had made a deal with the Devil."

"She was taken in by the people of Azarath on one condition. They would help her if she gave up all rights to me. All decisions about me and my upbringing were handed over to Azar. She was the only mother I really knew, and as much as I loved her, I hated her too."

"Since the day I was born, I was kept from everyone, including my mother, Arella. Only a small group of monks were trusted enough with my care. They were all highly skilled in controlling their own emotions so as not to interfere with my training. Since the day I could sit up, I was taught to meditate. I did not really understand the concept, but my body was in training to endure long periods of stillness. I was not hugged or comforted if I fell. Any emotional outburst was ignored, or reprimanded. These outbursts were seen as my father's influence. I was not allowed to even see other children until I was about seven or so."

"Everyone knew of my destiny. They feared me. Until then I had been surrounded by people who could control their emotions. They were my teachers, my caregivers. They fed me, clothed me, but many lived in fear of me. Many others pitied my fate. One my seventh birthday, I was allowed to enter the town in the early morning. Later I found out this was simply a test to see if I could control myself when confronted with others emotions. I failed."

Ravens eyes became glassy as she remembered the outing. She had been so excited and yet could not show any emotion for fear that she would be told she could not go. "The children were all laughing and playing with a blue ball. They would throw it high into the air and run after it, all the while screaming with laughter. The ball rolled to me, I picked it up intent on joining the game. It looked fun. As I went to hand the ball to a young girl about my age, she screamed, 'Devil's Daughter'. The scream startled me and the ball exploded. This only caused the children to run in fear. The screaming, the noise, it was all too much. A few windows shattered before I was pulled away by Azar herself."

"Since that day, all my emotions were locked up. I could not afford friends, besides no one wanted to be friends with a Demon child. I hadn't had much of a childhood before that, but that day, my childhood ended."

It was quiet in the room. No one spoke as they all absorbed what she had said. Through Team Night and stories they had learned that Raven's emotions controlled her powers, that she had to be careful around others emotions too. They had learned of her father (though Raven had chosen not to speak of her ordeal. She had not been ready for that much confession.) They had even learned about an accident when she was four, but none had suspected just how difficult and lonely her life had been before the Titans.

Aqualad was the first to speak. He reached out and placed a hand on Raven's knee. "Thank you for sharing that. I know its not easy for you to get personal. Thank you for trusting us."

The other boys nodded their agreement. Mas and Menos both stood up and hugged Raven close. They whispered softly, "Te amamos, Raven."

She hugged them back. She hoped they would understand what she could not yet put into words. She loved them too. After a moment she could sense they did. The hug broke apart and the twins yawned and stretch. Raven smiled, "Off to bed. You guys are tired. And tomorrow will be a busy day, you two get to see Starfire."

The twins grinned like idiots and pretended to swoon. Raven shooed them away and they darted off to get ready for bed. After the twins were tucked in and softly snoring, Raven looked at the two remaining boys. "Ok, what is it?"

"Wha?" Speedy looked startled. He had been in such a state of concentration that he had almost forgotten that Raven was still there. She sat on an overstuffed chair and curled her legs under herself. She tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

"You are thinking too hard. Now what is it? I didn't tell that story just have you give me a headache with all your thinking."

Instead of the usual grin, Speedy looked quite serious. "How did you do it?" By now, both boys were sitting on opposite ends of the couch quite content to continue the conversation started earlier. Raven feigned ignorance, a part of her hoping the topic would just drop.

"Do what?"

Speedy ran a hand through his hair as he looked at her with wide eyes. "Turn them off. Your emotions. I mean, I knew you were an amazing fighter and that you are a hard emotional nut to crack, but turning off your emotions? How can you do that? Everyone feels something… anything… But I believe you when you say that you locked them up, but how?"

It was then that she realized that Speedy was interested, but not out of morbid curiosity. He was…. Impressed. It was an emotion she had not expected. She had expected pity, maybe fear, and possibly sadness. She had been prepared for those feelings, but this was new. Maybe that was why she responded without thinking.

"That's easy. Its easy to separate your emotions when you have been meditating for as many years as I. Not to mention the whole half demon child thing I have going for me."

Speedy chuckled. "Yeah, but how?"

She shrugged, "Just what I said, I locked them away. I went into my own mind and took each emotion and locked them away."

Speedy looked confused, "You went where? You talk as if your emotions were people. They aren't, they are part of you."

"Yes, but I manifested them into a human form. It was the easiest way for my young mind to understand the process. I imagined my mind as another world. There I was able to dissect parts of my personality, my emotions if you will. From there, I manifested each part into a human form. Essentially, a 'happy' me, a 'sad' me, a 'brave' me… etc etc. The pieces are still there, in my mind, but when I need more control it is a lot like locking them away so I can maintain control. They are still there, so there is some influence however. That is why I must meditate every day. It helps keep me in control and keeps the emotions from returning to me."

"Wait, you mean there are multiple Ravens?" Aqualad look intrigued at this idea. She turned to him as Speedy once again went quiet with concentration.

"In a way, yes. The best way I can explain it is that I have created a 'personality disorder'. It is like having multiple personalities, with each 'person' being a different emotion. I can tap into them when I need a power boost and lock them away when I need control."

Aqualad continued with a thoughtful expression, "So you allow different personalities to take control as needed. But isn't that dangerous? Don't they threaten to take over as the dominant personality?"

"They can. Some are easier to control than others. It is why I must be very careful to maintain control and not give them too much power. I tap into them, but it feels like the emotions are diluted. I know I feel the emotion, but I do so less than a normal person. It helps me maintain control. And for the love of… Speedy STOP IT!" Raven whipped her head around.

The archer looked up startled again. Raven was starting to get irritated. "I told you, all that hard thinking is giving me a headache. Out with it."

He was quiet for a moment and then looked her right in the eyes. "You said dissected… you mean like you cut a part of yourself out?"

Raven merely nodded.

"Didn't that hurt?"

At that Raven grinned, "I said it was easy for me… not that it didn't hurt."

Speedy shook his head and then stopped. He looked at Raven again…. "Wait, and you said there are more Ravens…Each with a different personality?"

"Yes…."

Speedy started to chuckle.

Raven glared in his direction, "What?"

"I'm just picturing a 'Happy' Raven. I think I'd like to meet her."

Raven relaxed, "No you don't. She's worse than Starfire on a sugar rush."

And with that, the serious mood dissolved into laughter as the image of 'Happy' Raven filled their heads. Talk turned to other topics, and Raven moved over to the couch in between the two boys. They found a movie on that everyone could agree on and the friends fell into comfortable silence. Raven yawned and snuggled deeper into the couch. Speedy shifted and Raven felt a blanket drape over her body. An arm was thrown over her shoulders and Raven stiffened only a moment before leaning into the body of Speedy. As she grew more comfortable with the unusual closeness, Raven began to relax her body. Soon eyes closed, breathing slowed, and she fell into a deep slumber still curled up with Speedy holding her close to his side.

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See what I mean? It went a little dark there for awhile. Oh well, what can you do? Not really sure how I feel about this chapter, but on the plus side I got a conversation in I wasn't expecting. Yay me! Ok, next chapter is gonna take a few days. I have a lot to plan out because Raven is gonna see Robin for the first time in months! Lets watch some sparks fly! Thank again to all the reviews. Let me know what you think about this chap… Like I said, I'm not sure how I feel about it yet myself, so be honest. Thanks again and expect more in a few days.