Disclaimer: I don't own Divergent
Tris POV
"We're sorry," Shauna blurts out, breaking the awkward silence in the room. I am taken aback, that is definitely not what I was expecting to hear when I came today. I don't say anything.
"We-we overstepped a boundary, and made you uncomfortable, and we're sorry," Marlene says.
"You don't have to tell us if you don't want to," Shauna adds, "But we're here for you."
I was expecting them to attack me with words again, to threaten my secret. I was not expecting this. Everything is quiet for some time while I think, no one says a word.
"My bones are not dirt," I finally say, "And even if they were, I'd rather make peace with the insects living inside me than let someone take a shovel to my spine and dig all of who I am out."
"I'll tell you when I'm ready," I conclude, "It's not an easy thing to do, I cried when I told Christina and I hate feeling so weak. When the time is right it will happen, but for now I need you to respect my decision." I feel Tobias's grasp on me tighten, he is part of my strength right now.
"Let's order a pizza," Zeke suggests, and everyone agrees. Zeke leaves the room to call the pizza place.
"You are so strong," Tobias whispers into my ear, now playing with my hair.
"I'm not strong, there is still too much pain," I whisper back.
"Some people think that to be strong is to never feel pain. In reality, the strongest people are the ones who feel it, understand it, and accept it," he says back.
"Life tearing at the seams," I say, almost in a mutter.
"I don't ever wanna be here, easy," he says.
"Like punching in a dream breathing life into my nightmare," I say.
A/N: They are quoting Punching in a Dream by The Naked and Famous
"Is this really a nightmare?" Tobias asks me.
I think about it for a second. "Not really, I suppose. I've never heard of a nightmare with an amazing boyfriend like you," I say. I scoot into him more, I am almost sitting on his lap.
"I wish we were alone," he whispers.
I smile, and say, "I almost always wish that."
"I love you," he says.
I am about to respond when Christina interrupts, "You two are too cute!" I sigh, and Tobias laughs. So deep and genuine, his laugh makes my heart fall for him all over again.
"I wish Zeke and I were like that," Shauna says.
"Like what?" I ask.
She sighs, and says, "In love. We've been dating for months and months, and neither of us has said it. But you two, you've been dating for less than two weeks and are perfect for each other."
"Are you going to dump my brother?" Uriah asks, now interested in the conversation.
"I don't know, he just doesn't seem very committed," Shauna says.
"Well, that's Zeke for you," Will adds, laughing a bit.
"We'll eventually part ways for college, it is senior year," Shauna says. I completely forgot that she, Zeke, and Tobias were seniors. Wait, Tobias. I look up at him, and he continues to stroke my hair. What will happen when he graduates?
"I'm not going anywhere," he whispers in my ear, and I relax a bit. Hopefully he will stick to that when it comes time to choose.
"The pizza will be here in 10 minutes," Zeke shouts, now walking back into the room.
"What kind did you get?" Uriah asks. He is always interested in the food.
"A pepperoni, and an everything pizza," he says.
Conversation goes on as per normal, and I zone out. Honestly, I don't find it to be that interesting. They're my friends, but I don't see a point in the meaningless banter.
I do pay attention to the glances I get from people, just little ones every so often. The events of last night may be forgiven, but not forgotten. We all have secrets, and I don't know why they are so interested in mine. I will have to tell them eventually.
The pizza gets here, but I'm aggressively not hungry. Any nerves from earlier have dispersed, but there is still this dread following me, weighing me down.
I am aware of Tobias watching me, not eating either. He doesn't actually say anything, but his eyes do.
"You should eat," they say.
But I don't want to.
A point in time later, I decide that I've had enough. I can't handle sitting in this room of people talking about nothing, wanting to know my deepest secrets, and me not eating because I don't want to tell them. It's stupid, it's a stupid situation and I'm done.
I stand up, and say, "I really have to get home."
"Do you need me to drive you?" Christina asks. I forgot that I rode with her here.
"No, that's okay. Bye guys," I say, and walk out of the room. I can feel everyone's eyes burning on the back of my head.
I walk home as the sun sets, feeling hopeless. I no longer have the energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions, or unnecessary conversations.
Tobias POV
Everyone is quiet for some time, as if waiting for someone else to say something. Shauna finally says, "We're sorry."
Marlene continues, "We-we overstepped a boundary, and made you uncomfortable, and we're sorry."
We all wait to see how Tris will respond. She is still in my arms, deep in thought. She finally speaks, "My bones are not dirt, and even if they were, I'd rather make peace with the insects living inside me than let someone take a shovel to my spine and dig all of who I am out."
I would've never expected Tris to say something like that, but she does a lot of things you might not expect. She is so bold, so certain in her words. She continues, "I'll tell you when I'm ready. It's not an easy thing to do, I cried when I told Christina and I hate feeling so weak. When the time is right it will happen, but for now I need you to respect my decision." I hold her tighter now. She is so brave to be able to say that, and she doesn't even know it.
"Let's order a pizza," Zeke suggests, and everyone agrees. Zeke leaves the room to call the pizza place.
"You are so strong," I whisper into her ear while playing with her hair. I've told her before many times, but I want her to know.
"I'm not strong, there is still too much pain," she responds, and I resist the urge to chuckle. That's not what strong is.
"Some people think that to be strong is to never feel pain. In reality, the strongest people are the ones who feel it, understand it, and accept it," I say.
"Life tearing at the seams," she says. Ha, she think I won't notice in the midst of the situation. She thought wrong.
"I don't ever wanna be here, easy," I say, proud of myself for catching it.
"Like punching in a dream breathing life into my nightmare," she says, and by the way she says it, I know that it has more meaning than just song lyrics.
"Is this really a nightmare?" I ask her. It may've been a nightmare before for her, and I understand that, but now?
"Not really, I suppose. I've never heard of a nightmare with an amazing boyfriend like you," she says, and I smile. I love when she calls me her boyfriend, I love that we are together.
"I wish we were alone," I whisper. Things always seem more enjoyable when it is just the two of us, and not in that way.
Tris smiles, I can't get over her beautiful smile, and says, "I almost always wish that."
"I love you," I say.
She opens her mouth to speak when Christina says, "You two are too cute!" Tris sighs, and I laugh. She has probably heard this from Christina over and over again, it must get really annoying for her.
"I wish Zeke and I were like that," Shauna says longingly.
"Like what?" Tris asks.
She sighs, and says, "In love. We've been dating for months and months, and neither of us has said it. But you two, you've been dating for less than two weeks and are perfect for each other."
"Are you going to dump my brother?" Uriah asks, now interested in the conversation.
"I don't know, he just doesn't seem very committed," Shauna says. I want to say something, anything to change her mind right now, but I know that it's not my place. I know that Zeke has true feelings for Shauna, he's told me, but I can tell that he is hesitant only because he's never been a relationship so serious.
"Well, that's Zeke for you," Will adds, laughing a bit. He knows too, but doesn't want to say it either. Should we tell Zeke later? I debate this in my head for a while
"We'll eventually part ways for college, it is senior year," Shauna says. Senior year, the whole thing seems overrated now that we're there. Tris looks up at me, and then I realize what she's thinking. She must be nervous, scared even, for what will happen after I graduate.
"I'm not going anywhere," I whisper in her ear, hopefully that did the trick for now. I know that we will have to talk more about this later, at some point. It is a big thing, but there is no way I'm leaving her.
"The pizza will be here in 10 minutes," Zeke shouts, now walking back into the room.
"What kind did you get?" Uriah asks. Typical Uriah question.
"A pepperoni, and an everything pizza," he says.
Zeke, Will, Uriah, and I then start talking to me about football, our first game is next Friday. The girls, I have no idea. I heard some fashion terms in their conversation, but Tris stays silent. I know that she doesn't particularly enjoy "girl talk", but I wonder what she is thinking about.
I look over at her every so often, I see others do so as well. I know that I look over because, well, she is beautiful and I like to look at her. I'm not really ashamed to admit that. Everyone else, I don't know. The only thing I can come up with is that they still wonder about what she's keeping from them.
The pizza gets here, and I see that Tris doesn't take any. It's very discrete, but I've trained myself to always look out for her. No one else noticed, not even Christina, and I did. I didn't take any myself; I am worried about her right now. She hasn't said a word since earlier, maybe she is still thinking about me graduating next spring. It's a while away, though.
I don't want to mention it out loud, we all know how that went when Christina pointed it out on the first day of school. Instead, I plead with my eyes for her to eat a bite of something. She never meets my eye contact, but shakes her head slightly. She must not realize how scared I am for her right now, and I don't even know the reason.
This goes on for a bit longer, me watching Tris's every move. She doesn't talk, doesn't say anything really. She seems lost in thought, but then speaks up and says, "I really have to get home."
"Do you need me to drive you?" Christina asks.
"No, that's okay. Bye guys," she says, and scurries out of the room. Everyone stops what they're doing and watches her leave, all silent and confused. It's not late, I wonder where she's going. I resist the urge to go after her, I know that she needs to deal with some things on her own.
"What just happened?" Uriah asks, breaking the silence in the room. I didn't even notice, I was so focused on Tris.
"I don't know, I haven't seen her act like that," Christina says.
"She's usually pretty quiet," Marlene points out.
Christina shakes her head, and says, "Not like that. No, there must be something wrong. I'll talk to her tomorrow."
"What did we do now?" Shauna asks jokingly.
I don't take it as a joke, though. I have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that the whole ordeal from yesterday is still bothering her immensely. I know that they apologized, to both Tris and me, but Tris never said, "I forgive you." She said that she'd tell them when she's ready, and then it comes to me.
She must not want to tell them at all.