Flashback. New York 1996:
He had come to Lori's apartment against his better judgement, Sylvia had harangued him for days to go and visit his former partner's ex-wife. If he were being honest with himself he was only here out of a sense of duty to Lori, not allowing himself a second thought for what John might have needed or wanted. The hatred and loathing he felt for his old partner ate away at him like a malignant growth in his guts, disgusted at how he could have allowed the man he considered a son to betray him and the badge for nothing more than his own sense of greed.
Sylvia had begged him to attend John's funeral but he had steadfastly refused, even Fancy had offered him a day's leave but he had chosen to work instead even though his mind was far from being on the job that day. The disagreements with his wife were beginning to wear on him and he began to wonder if living with her was worth the effort anymore. Had it not been for the imminent birth of their child he would have considered walking away by now, it was hard enough to walk the streets of Manhattan clearing up after the carnage of Kelly and his new friends the Malucci's without having to come home and listen to Sylvia bleat on in his ear about how he needed to 'deal with his feelings' and 'talk about his issues'. He wanted a wife not a psychologist and there were days when he was sorely tempted to tell her as much.
Deep down though he knew she was right. His feelings about John had been left to fester for too long like an open wound that refused to heal. His last real contact with his former partner had been the day that John had been arrested after being caught it possession of half a kilo of cocaine. John had given him short shrift as he went to visit him in the holding cells; the cold tone to the younger man's voice had hurt him before his pride kicked in and forced him to walk away from the man he thought he once knew. The last time they had come face to face John had levelled a gun at him and for the life of him he still couldn't work out why his former partner hadn't pulled the trigger.
Memories of the day John's body was discovered still haunted his waking moments and had a way of making their way into his dreams at night. The initial shock soon wore off only to be replaced by seething anger for now he knew he would never get a chance to bring his former charge to justice for the things he had done in the name of loyalty to the Malucci's. John had wreaked havoc and he had been left to clear up the pieces of the broken lives he had left behind. Maybe justice had been done in a way, John had paid for his sins with his life but had been spared the pain of having to see the looks on the faces of the people who had once loved and trusted him.
He raised his hands several times to knock on her door but couldn't bring himself to do it, each time he did he was suddenly overcome with the fear of not knowing what to say to her. The decision was taken out of his hands when he heard the chain rattle and the door creak slowly open.
"I wondered how long you were going to stand there before you started knocking." Lori gave him a strained smile that failed to reach her eyes.
"How did you know I was here?" he asked a little testily, annoyed at being caught.
She looked him up and down and blew a strand of hair from her face, "You've never exactly been light on your feet, Andy. I heard you walking down the hallway."
He huffed but said nothing as he stood awkwardly and avoided making eye contact.
"You coming in or are you gonna stand out there all night?" Her tone was light but even a fool could see the tension in her face, he nodded and followed her into her apartment before shutting the door behind him.
"The doc not home?" he asked as Lori motioned for him to sit on the couch.
"No, he's on shift until midnight. Can I get you a coffee?"
Pottering around in the kitchen Lori returned a few minutes later and handed a mug to him, nodding his thanks he sipped the hot liquid as he looked at his feet, unsure of what to say.
"Did Sylvia put you up to this?"
His head shot up at the question, he opened his mouth to respond but closed it again. Finally he spoke, "Maybe."
"I didn't see you there," Lori said quietly as she sat in the leather armchair across the room. "At the funeral, I mean," she added at his puzzled expression.
His cheeks coloured at her observation, "I couldn't face it. Cowardly, huh?"
"Not at all, I can understand why you're so angry at him. He betrayed you."
"He betrayed all of us, Lori. Doesn't that make you angry too?"
"It used to, now it just makes me feel sad. The man we buried yesterday wasn't the man I fell in love with, somewhere along the way he changed," she finished sadly as she took a sip of her coffee.
"Doesn't it make you mad, what he did?"
"Would it make a difference, Andy? Hating him is not going to change what happened. Right now I just feel bad that I didn't push him more after he was attacked, maybe if we'd all tried a bit harder he wouldn't have made the choices he did. It makes me sad to think that we'll never get the chance to ask him why."
"I can't get past it; I can't understand how he could have done those things. After everything I did for him he threw it all back in my face and treated me like some kind of fool!" he slammed the mug down on the table in frustration and watched as the brown liquid spilled over the rim and onto the solid oak piece of furniture.
"Maybe you should have come to the funeral and got closure on how you feel. John's gone now, you need to get past this and move on."
"Is that what you're doing?" he asked spitefully.
Lori let the biting comment pass, "I'll always care about John and although I don't understand why he made the choices he did I could never hate him. I loved him once and I know that he loved me too; you don't just stop caring about someone because they did something you don't agree with. I know that John would want me to be happy and move on with my life and that he'd want the same for you too."
"That asshole doesn't get to have what he wants, not this time!"
Andy quickly got to his feet and left Lori's apartment without a second look back, slamming the front door as he went, cursing himself for listening to Sylvia and ever agreeing to come here. Why was it that no one understood his anger and pain? He had sat and listened to Lori as she had tried to excuse the things that John had done, why couldn't she understand the justifiable bitterness he felt towards the younger man? Yes he was bitter and angry but most of all he was hurt that the man he had treated like his own son could turn on him so suddenly, the cuts ran even deeper when he realised that John had played him for a fool for too long, visiting Lori had only rubbed salt in the wounds. As he walked away from the apartment building and back to his car he silently wondered if the wounds to his heart and his pride would ever heal.