EPov:

The elk collapsed under my weight, bugling loudly as I sunk my teeth into the artery in its neck. His knees sunk into the tall grass as its heart slowed, pumping the last vestiges of life through its veins. I drank greedily, though not thirsty at all, but eager for the golden hue to return to my eyes and take in the calming essence that Carlisle hypothesized animal blood gave us.

I licked the last drips of warm, rich, gamey blood from my lips and climbed off the elk, brushing the stray fur off my elbows and knees. I would have to find somewhere to deposit the creature's body—destroy all evidence. I remembered a small lake that I'd seen on the map near the ranger station when I crossed into the national park hours before.

Dragging the carcass, I thought of the eight days I had been away from my family. It was more difficult to be away from them than I remembered. Though my relationship with them was sometimes strained, I felt a part of something real and secure. It might not have been like the coupled relationships that they shared with their mates but nevertheless, I felt like we had camaraderie, a kinship. Something I'd never found anywhere else but with them. I always felt closest to Carlisle, he was my creator, and a father in every way that mattered. He was my guide to this life and a companion, but our relationship had become a little more strained as new family members were added. It wasn't very difficult to adapt to Esme, she was a mother at heart, and the perfect companion to Carlisle. She and I learned the new life together, and I basked in the attention she gave me, treating me as if I was her own son.

The addition of Rosalie in the 1930s was another matter entirely. I knew instantly that Carlisle had changed her in the hopes we would get along and make our own match, but it was never to be. We were too alike and too different in all the wrong ways. A part of me wanted her to love me so that I could feel fucking normal; to have what Carlisle and Esme had. To have what my parents had, but it wasn't to be. When Rosalie brought Emmett home and after Carlisle changed him, they looked at one another as though they were each other's savior, and I had no concept of that feeling. Watching their relationship blossom was difficult; I wanted what they had—love, acceptance, companionship, understanding, chemistry. Being in the house with two couples in love were the hardest fucking days I'd known as a vampire. I was worried I was destined to be alone.

When Jasper and Alice found us in the 1950s, they were the straw that broke the camel's back. I felt an instant affinity with both Alice and Jasper due to their gifts. It was nice not to be the only freak, and to find ways for our talents to work together and benefit the family, but I didn't understand the all-consuming, arresting expression they would get in their eyes when they looked at one another. My mind reading ability told me exactly what they were thinking, but it wasn't a feeling I had ever experienced for another creature—human or vampire. I resented what they had, and I wondered why I couldn't find it, so I took it out on them. I began drifting and distancing myself. I knew my behavior was rivaling a petulant child, but vampires are often resistant and slow to change, and I used that to my advantage. After a decade or so, I couldn't take it anymore. I left my family.

I wandered on my own for nearly twenty years, visiting any city or country that appealed to me. I began my descent into hunting humans, something I'd avoided for fifty years of my existence. Though I hunted down society's scum, it didn't truly make me feel any better about my decisions. Knowing what they thought as my teeth punctured their carotid arteries, sucking the very essence of life out of them took its toll. I envisioned myself drinking not only their blood but the darkness and evil out of them and into myself.

I tried to maintain contact with the family with occasional phone calls, reassuring them I was fine, but not letting them know about the dietary changes I'd made in their absence. I'd kept the secret from them for a decade before I encountered Carlisle and Esme coming out of a crowded theater on a rainy night in London. I was overwhelmed by the smell of the masses, the rain drowning out the stronger scents, and focused on reading the minds around me, looking for my next victim when I literally bumped into my adopted parents on the street. They didn't need the yellow, buzzing, streetlights to see my eyes had changed from golden to garnet. The shock on their faces belied their disappointment. Carlisle had said nothing except "Edward, remember who you are."

It took me ten more years to remember.

Being away from them this week was almost as difficult as it had been those twenty years. It took time to rekindle our relationships, but they welcomed me back as a brother and a son. The feelings of loneliness and the lack of belonging that I felt did not disappear, but I could keep them at bay. My family's disappointment and hurt for not only hunting humans but for leaving them for so many years affected me more than my feelings of isolation had. I knew they never intentionally meant to hurt me, and so I tried to give them the same assurance. I might not understand their relationships, but I valued them, and I valued myself and my time when I was with them.

Alice had called daily since I'd left, leaving me brief, encouraging, messages. She relayed that Detective Swan had returned and inquired about my whereabouts, causing my anger to flare up. What fucking right did she have to hunt me down and pursue me? She had no evidence against me, and I didn't know what put her on my trail in the first place. I knew that my family could up and assume new lives overnight before the detective could get a warrant for my arrest, thanks to Alice's gift, but there was no way I would hurt my family that way or let the detective chase me away from them.

Or had I already let that happen? Damn it. I had told myself I wasn't running from Isabella Swan, I was just 'taking a break,' but it was all bullshit. I let her keep me from my family and the life we created. Why was I thinking of her anyway? She'd find no evidence, and she'd quit pestering me and the rest of my family after a while, or blame somebody else. I'd come here to escape her, but I couldn't let her go. I was pissed off at her for making me crave her body and blood, and I was pissed at myself and my inability to let her go. I recognized the feelings within myself and compared them to what I saw in the minds of others. Emmett felt the same things about Rosalie after his newborn streak was over. I had an overwhelming desire to make her mine, to keep her for myself, not to share her with anyone or anything.

I growled and tossed the elk into a watery grave at the bottom of a small pond as I stood at the water's edge and listened to the gentle lapping against the shoreline. The sun left a shifting, gold reflection on the water's surface as twilight descended. I breathed in deeply and closed my eyes, remembering the delicious scent of Isabella Swan.

Long after darkness had blanketed the night sky, I decided to return to the large, red cabin in the woods. Running between the pines and through the scrub, I heard the snap of a twig behind me. I didn't turn around, I knew she was there. I'd been tracking her scent and hearing her thoughts for some time now. I didn't stop until I reached the tree line, where the pines gave way to a sprawling meadow and pond behind the cabin Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, Rosalie and I built.

"Tanya, you're back early," I said, disinterested, turning to look at her.

She giggled, stepping through the deep undergrowth. "Slim pickings in town tonight."

Tanya was doing her own hunting, and it didn't involve drinking the blood of another living creature.

"Hunting season just started, I'll have more to choose from soon." She winked, and I waited for her to catch up to me.

"Don't you feel like a hooker? Going into the nearest bar and propositioning men?" I wondered, slightly disgusted at her cavalier attitude.

She laughed again. "No. We all have needs, Edward. I don't make them do anything they don't want to do, and I don't pick up married men. It's mutually beneficial."

I shrugged. If she was fine with it, I supposed I shouldn't be so condemning. It was just difficult knowing that other people often fantasized about others during sex, recited to-do lists, or would rather be doing something else. It took the intimacy and eroticism out of it.

"What's your interest anyway? Decide to take me up on my offer?" She smiled, knowing full well I'd never say yes.

I laughed again. "Not quite, my dear." She'd made her offer clear several times and had always respected my answers, though I suspected it had more to do with respecting Carlisle and Esme than it did me. As with Rose, a part of me wanted her to truly want me so I could give in, but I knew I'd find her mind like so many others. To Tanya, I would be a conquest and nothing more.

"What gives anyway? You've been moping for a week. Alice told me about the detective tailing you, but it's more than that. Talk to me, I promise I won't judge."

Tanya sat down on a pine log and tilted her head back, gazing up at the star-spotted sky, as she tried to give me the space she thought I needed. I stood, watching her, and wondering what it would feel like to truly unburden myself. I had always been able to trust Tanya. She'd been beyond helpful when I decided to return home after my twenty year absence by helping me "detox" and running interference with Carlisle.

I exhaled and fisted my hands into my hair, tugging sharply. "It's not the investigation itself, I know there was no evidence left behind. It's that fucking detective. She's driving me crazy." I sat down on the other end of the pine log and released my hair, knowing it probably looked quite the mess. I scrubbed my hands over my face and sighed.

I didn't need to look at her to hear the smirk in Tanya's voice. "I can see that. It's good you've admitted it to yourself, now you can do something about it."

I looked up. "Do something about what?"

Her smirk turned into a smile, lifting the corners of her red lips. "The detective. Edward, get serious, her name is the only one I've heard for a week. Isabella Swan-this and Detective Swan-that. When are you going to admit to yourself that you've got a thing for this woman?"

I didn't say anything. I was too shocked and angry. A thing? A thing? Had I really been discussing her? Is that why I couldn't stop thinking of her? Did I want a thing with Isabella Swan? A detective? A human? I had deluded myself into thinking I wanted something physical and that was it. Did I want something more?

The memory of her scent flooded my mind, and I found myself growling and swallowing back venom. My dick grew hard.

"Edward, there's no shame in it, you know."

Shame? Was I ashamed?

"I mean, if you are attracted to the detective."

The real fear came flooding in. I didn't know how to be intimate. I didn't know what love was. And I didn't know how to be intimate with a human. A human who may or may not suspect me in a murder investigation.

"I—" How could I possibly explain how I felt? A lifetime of wondering if something was wrong with me—wondering if I could ever fall in love. I knew it took more than a beautiful face, one was looking at me curiously now, and I felt nothing for her. Maybe Esme was right, maybe I had been turned too early.

Then again, it had very little to do with a lack of desire because my body certainly responded to the detective, but I worried about my past, the ugliness that had tainted me. Was I worthy of knowing love if I did find it?

"I don't know what love is, and I don't know if I deserve it," I admitted, thinking back on watching Carlisle and Esme, Rosalie and Emmett fall for one another. "I don't know if she's the right one, if she can see me for what I am, what secrets her mind might hold." I didn't want to say it aloud, but I thought to myself, what if her mind is as shallow as the rest of the other women who had appealed to me?

I sighed, feeling terribly vain yet vulnerable.

"Edward, come here," Tanya said, scooting toward me.

My eyes darted toward hers hesitantly as I slid to my left, closer to her, until our thighs were touching.

"Do you still maintain you have only friendly feelings for me?" Her eyebrows were arched high and her voice broke at the end of her question.

I nodded, letting my eyes fall back to the pond in front of us. "Yes. I'm sorry. I'm not the man for you, Tanya, and you couldn't be the woman for me." I felt awful for saying it, but I didn't want to lead her on. I saw her nod out of the corner of my eye.

"If that's the case, kiss me." Her voice was timid, barely a whisper, and she twisted one strawberry-blond curl around her finger in a coy attempt at flirtation as she waited for me to react.

I did nothing.

"It's not a ploy, I just thought…well…it might give me some closure that you'll be the one who got away," she giggled, nudging me with her knee, "and might help you too. If you kiss me and feel nothing, you'll have something to compare it to if you pursue your detective."

I didn't know if I could overcome the desire for her blood in order to pursue my desire for Detective Swan's body, but Tanya did have a point. Maybe. Perhaps I should treat this as an experiment. My control group as it were. I swallowed nervously, an instinctual human habit.

"Okay," I breathed, rubbing my palms down the front of my jeans.

"Okay," she answered, letting the curl of hair she was twisting around her fingers snap back into place.

My eyes darted up to hers as she leaned in closer, bringing her face toward mine. I felt her strawberry-blond ringlets brush against my cheek as we both tilted our heads in opposite directions, and she laughed breathily at our awkwardness. She cautiously took my face between her hands, leaning my head to the left, and pressed her lips to mine.

Her mouth was firm and insistent, and she pulled herself closer as her venom-laced tongue traced the line between my lips seeking entrance. I parted them, and my eyes widened as she snaked her tongue inside and it twisted around mine.

It wasn't awful, though my body didn't respond to her the way it did when I smelled Bella's arousal, but I could see that Tanya's eyes were closed, and her mind swam with fantastical images of us in intimate situations. I began to pull away, pressing my closed lips once more to hers before separating and moving a few inches away. To be really honest, it didn't mean anything except a barometer perhaps. I had avoided relationships at all costs, but it wasn't my first intimate moment; although it was the first one in quite some time, and that made it slightly appealing, just the closeness to another being.

She let out a sigh and she bit her bottom lip as she tried to hold in a smile. Her eyes remained closed. Clearly it did mean something else to her, if I'd had a heart it would have twisted with agony.

"Tanya, I'm—"

"Shh," she breathed, letting her golden eyes open slowly. "Don't say anything. It's okay if it didn't mean anything to you."

We were quiet for several minutes, and I felt guilty for agreeing to let her kiss me even though I knew she would move on. Quickly.

"So," she began, finally relaxing, folding her hands and resting them on her lap, "I think you need to go home and find this Isabella Swan. Befriend her. Show her the Edward Cullen I know, not the villain she assumes you to be. You're a wonderful gentleman when you want to be, Edward. You're handsome, and if there's something there between you, she won't be able to fight it for long."

I tried to contain my excitement at her suggestion. Maybe I did want something more, but getting all fucking hopeful was the last thing I needed. I needed to be realistic. "You think?" I asked, picking up a stone from the ground between my feet. My fingers dug in and molded it into a smoother shape, littering the ground with grey shards where the rock used to be.

"Yes, trust me, I know human sexuality. They can't resist us, Edward."

I stood and cocked my arm back and fired the stone across the pond, watching it skip several times before it sunk into the dark surface of the water. "But I don't want her to like me out of obligation; I don't want her to feel attracted to me simply because I could make her. It's like the equivalent of a pity fuck, and I don't want that."

Tanya rose and came to stand next to me at the water's edge. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I'm sure you could manipulate her that way if you wanted to, but you're not that kind of man. You're deserving of a girl who likes you for the right reasons. I think that you should trust your instincts. Her body will give away her intentions."

I had to lick my lips. Tanya might be on the right track there.

"I'm right. Trust me. Think on it another day or two, and then go home to your family. They miss you."

She squeezed my bicep and began to walk away. "And if you change your mind about your detective, you know where to find me."

I sat there for a long time, watching the stars meander in their predestined path across the sky. Oh, if only existence were that easy.

I tried not to think of Isabella Swan, but I couldn't resist. I realized that I wanted to know everything about her. I wanted to know what prompted her to go into law enforcement, what she'd been like as a little girl, what she thought of those ridiculous TV dramas about cops and crime scene investigators. And I was desperate to know what she felt like inside and out. Did she have dreams, was her laugh as irresistible as her smile, did she think of me at all?

As I saw it, my problem was three-fold. The first, obviously, was the vampire problem. As far as I knew, most vampires couldn't have relationships with humans—they saw them as victims. I hoped my family's history would work in my favor. It had worked for Tanya and her sisters though, at least the sex part. That's not to say there wouldn't need to be special care taken, but it didn't sound impossible. If I could re-learn how to play the piano without breaking the keys, I could learn how to play Bella Swan's body too, and hopefully make her sing in the process.

Second, she had convinced herself I was a criminal. For all intents and purposes, I was. I had done awful things, sometimes on a daily basis. Muder. Tax evasion, fraud, money laundering, forgery, speeding; the list was endless, and on top of that, the first woman to ever evoke a truly sexual response from me was a cop. This could be my biggest mistake ever. I wasn't sure how to keep her off my trail, but who believed in vampires anyway?

Third, I had to make her fall in love with me.

Author's Note: BIG thank you to Kisbydog & Sarahsumbrella from Project Team Beta for their hard work on the beta! It's appreciated.

Thank you all for reading. I'll give out spoilers for the next chapter in review comments!