She Hulk (while holding Scott upside down by his ankles): What has been taking you so long?
Scott (Dangling over the pool five stories below him): Well, Real Life™ has been kicking my ass. Not to mention I have been helping out family
She Hulk (shaking Scott a little): Well get back to work. I am sure people are damn curious about who I am dating. And God knows I wanna see who Brunhilde is betrothed to.
Scott (attempting to keep his cookies from being tossed): Alright, alright but I need to be upright to write…Oh god that was too much rhyming.
She Hulk (quickly rights Scott and sets him back on the balcony): I'll even give the disclaimer. ScotttheWanderer does not own Marvel comics or any of the associated characters…if he did the movies would be NC-17
Jennifer Walters was all smiles as they arrived at the Xavier Institute. She had good reason to. This was easily the most loving and healthy relationship she had been in for years. The only fly in the ointment were his parents, but she could deal with them. It was not like they raised their son, so he was not particularly close to them. As Peter pulled the van to a stop, she was the first to get out and stretch. She had a good reason: even the van was cramped for her.
"Liebchen!" With the trademark Bamf of displaced air and the scent of sulfur Kurt Wagner aka the Nightcrawler appeared not twenty feet away and without much preamble glomped onto Jennifer. Normally, Jennifer would hate this kind of greeting, but she found it very endearing and cute when her current boyfriend did it, which was why she let him bear her to the ground in the tackle and begin a soul searing kiss.
"Ah, I remember the days mine Katya would…oof!" Piotr had started a teasing reminisce about the early days of his romance when he too was pounced upon by none other than the woman he had been speaking of. Unlike Jennifer, he'd stayed upright as Kitty Pryde wrapped her arms and legs around him and started a passionate kiss.
"You know, it's bit weird that I am the one acting like a grown up." Bobby Drake chuckled as he stepped over the legs of the occupied She Hulk. Taking Bruhilde's hand he kissed the back. "And how was milady's journey?"
"Aye, 'tis weird, my love." Brunhilde smiled as Bobby took her hand. She waited for him to complete the gesture before she grabbed him by the shirt and dragged him close for a real kiss. "But me thinks thou prefers when I am forceful with my affections."
"Yeah…that could be it." Bobby grinned widely as wondered again just how he got so lucky to catch this woman's interest. "Shall we head inside? There is a tub of Moose Tracks with your name on it."
"Dost thou have bad news, my love?" Brunhilde arched an eyebrow. They had been courting for two months, but Bobby had learned that ice cream could soften any bad news she needed to hear.
"No, Hank warned me about what Amora did." Bobby replied with a shrug. "Since I am so friendly with Spidey, I figured you were already dreading having to work with her on occasion where I team up with him."
"And this is one of many reasons I love thee, Robert." Brunhilde smiled warmly as they made their way into the mansion, ignoring the couples making out in the driveway. "Fear not, Friends Jennifer and Piotr have eased my mind about such things." Seeing his puzzled look she chuckled. "They merely pointed out the Spider-man's verbosity will make Amora's meditation very difficult."
Bobby stared at Brunhilde for a moment then erupted in laughter. He could almost see it now. He almost pitied the Asgardian Sorceress, almost.
"Okay, just what is going on here?" Sue asked as she was led into the living room by Wanda. She recognized everyone immediately, even the two that were supposedly dead at the moment. Of course it was not like X-men didn't come back from the dead once in a while, especially that pair. Still, the livingroom was filled with women, and as far as Susan Storm knew all but three had been linked to Spider-man romantically…at least in the rumor mill.
"Would you believe we're a support group for women who have made mistakes and had crap love lives?" Jessica decided that a bit of humor was the best way to answer the question. The fact that some of Spider-man's trademark humor was rubbing off on her might have influenced her decision making process. Seeing the glare she got from Susan, the former secret agent shrugged. "Because it is true…from a certain point of view."
"Oh god, first I make that lame that 'blessed be' crack and now you paraphrase Obi-wan?" Carol face palmed as she began muttering. "We're doomed, I tell you…doomed."
"Given the rate at which you two seem to be expressing mannerisms resembling Spider-man's you are not likely to be doomed." Laura commented after a moment. "Spider-man has beaten odds that were statistically so improbable that they border on impossible. In fact it seems as if the more improbable the situation is, the more likely Spider-man will somehow prevail. It is a most interesting phenomenon. So in all likelihood you will continue to exist. As for his off brand humor, given my study of his exploits I have come to the conclusion that he uses humor as both a defense and assault mechanism. I have attempted similar, but I lack the proper pop culture education to make it work."
All eyes turn to Laura for more than a brief moment. Most of them had believed Spider-man was just annoying in general. That he used his annoying brand of humor as another tool in his arsenal was really only understood by Jean, Wanda and Amora. The first because her Peter had been the same way and the latter two because they had been analyzing everything there was to know about him.
"Never mind that for the moment." Sue broke the spell everyone seemed to be under. "I was told by a friend to come here and I would find help dealing with things. So, just what the hell is going on?"
"Well, you might want to sit down." Wanda said as she took a seat next to Jean. "It all begins with my freak out…"
"We're here to take custody of the dimensional traveler." Maria Hill was not the least bit happy to be leading a squad of SHIELD agents into the Avenger's Mansion. She had fully expected the Avengers to hand over the traveler immediately. Hell, they hadn't even reported the Spider-Man analog. She had to receive the news from one of the informants. "Prepare him for transport."
"I'm sorry, but I cannot release him to your care. He has committed no crime and you have no cause to seize him." Steve Rogers never even looked up from his paperwork. "He arrived in dimension in a semiconscious state and quickly lost consciousness due to wounds. Even if he had been awake, he has ninety days to file the proper paperwork for asylum."
"I am detaining him under the Dangerous Experiment Act." Maria huffed as she encountered the expected resistance. "I can do that, no matter how he enters this dimension."
"Well, for that I cannot stop you. However he is currently under the care of Squirrel Girl and she is being very possessive." Steve said nonchalantly. He smiled to himself as he heard the SHIELD agents actually shift uncomfortably. "I will also point out that the Stepford Cuckoos have expressed an interest in his well being. Spider-Man knows of his existence as does Scarlet Spider. So simply taking him and attempting to use him as an Agent or Weapon will result in angering some of the most dangerous people I have ever known. Given who I have worked with and fought…that is saying something."
"Fine, I will leave him in your care, Rogers. I do however expect him to be debriefed and that debriefing made available to me." Maria scowled before turning to leave. While she wanted the Spider-man analog, she was not suicidal enough to take on a possessive Squirrel Girl. Anyone who made Doctor Doom shiver in fear was not someone to mess with.
"Okay, so everyone in this room excepting me and Laura here is head over heels for Peter Parker or the equivalent?" Sue asked after she got all the information. She knew she should be surprised, but really she wasn't. She always thought Peter was a charmer. Hell, if she and Reed hadn't been…she cut herself short of continuing that thought. It hurt too much to think of the past. "You do realize how insane your plan of sharing him sounds, right?"
"Since when has anything about any of our lives been sane?" Jean replied with a shrug. "I was married to Peter in my world and shared him with MJ. Actually, it was more like we all shared each other. And if Wanda had lived, well she would have been in our bed as well. We face death everyday in ways no normal person could imagine. Why not take happiness where you can find it. If that happiness means we have to share Peter, then we just better learn to play nice."
As Jeans words filtered in to the minds of the others they had to admit she had a point. Not a single one of them was remotely normal. They had each done and seen things that no sane person could hope to cope with. Some of it had been good, but a lot of it had been horrible. Peter was a bright spot in their lives, and if they had to share him then so be it.
"Well, that does make more than a bit of sense." Susan admitted after a moment. She had believed in monogamy, but then again she had also believed Reed would always love her. Having the later ripped away made her question everything. "But what about Laura in this?"
"For the record, while I do not have romantic feelings for Peter as of this moment, I do not discount the possibility they might occur. I am a bit young yet to be considering such a relationship." Laura stated simply. "I am here as Amora's little sister and honestly, I find myself fascinated by Peter."
"You are far more than fascinated, Little Sister. You spent your first peaceful nap curled next to him." Amora smiled at the memory. "Despite my best efforts and magicks I was unable to give you the same last night. What bond you have with him, I am uncertain. However, I am very sure you see him as a protective presence."
"And don't think you are completely immune to Parker Charm, Susan." Carol smirked before taking a sip of her coffee. "Who was it that was flirting playfully with Peter Parker at the Fantastic Four Anniversary party? Oh, I do believe it was a certain Invisible Woman."
Susan blushed as she remembered the night in question. Reed had refused to attend the party as was usual for the last year. She had gotten a little tipsy and spent hours talking to Peter Parker in his Spider-man guise. Only Ben's interference had stopped it from going further, and it wasn't Peter who was making the moves. At the time she had been grateful to Ben for stopping her, but now she almost wished he hadn't.
"It was really nice to be appreciated." Sue clarified after a brief moment. "Wanda can understand how I have been feeling lately. Having your husband practically ignore you, well it makes you question yourself as a desirable woman. Yeah, Namor and a few other jerks always hit on me, but honestly they make my skin crawl."
Emma pulled the Cerebra interface off her head with an almost frantic look in her eyes. ~This is not good.~ That thought was running through her head as she tried to wrap her mind around what she had seen. "Scott, we have a HUGE problem. The Phoenix is back!"
"Emma, please tell me you are still channeling Bobby and pulling a prank." Scott Summers, field leader of the X-Men was normally unflappable. However, there were a few beings that riled him up: Sinister, Apocalypse, Madeline and the Pheonix. Seeing the slight bit of fear in his wife's eyes and the feeling of dread coming over the link, he realized that hope was lost. "Activate everyone, even Wanda."
"Wanda is already there, love." Emma said before she started the telepathic call to all the X-men.
"This is karma for not going along with that orgy Jean suggested, I can just tell." Scott grimaced as he raced to the elevator.
"So, why did you take the codename Spider-Woman?" Susan asked after finishing her irish coffee. Talk of damaged relationships had given way to general girl talk and that included everything from fashion to their common crush. "I mean, why not Arachne or something like that?"
"Well, I was quite aware of my male counterpart. I mean what straight woman isn't? Genuine good guy swinging around in skintight costume with a butt like that…" Jessica got a far off look in her eye for a moment then snapped back to attention. "I was honestly hoping he would take it as a hint. He never really did, except for that one Avenger's Christmas party. Unfortunately, we were all drinking wine that Hercules brought, so he never remembered."
"And just how is he in bed…or was it the ceiling?" Carol asked with a wide smirk. She heard the story a few times, but it was always fun to yank her best friend's chain.
Wanda could only shake her head at the similarities between Carol and Rogue. She wondered not for the first time if they hadn't been a good influence on each other despite what happened.
"Well, there was the wall, the ceiling, the table, the wall again then Jennifer tagged me out and they were in the shower, the ceiling, the wall, the floor then I tagged back in after the soreness faded a bit." Jessica was having a bit of fun watching everyone's jaw fall except Jean's. "The Natasha had to take a few turns, back to Jennifer and I'm not sure but Sersei might have slipped in. I know Tigra and Wasp did."
"Where the hell was I?" Wanda asked wide eyed and blinking. If Jessica wasn't lying then Peter had satisfied quite a few Avengers. "Oh wait, I know. I was wearing Hercules out."
"That's impressive. Wish we could have done that with Spidey." Jessica shivered a bit. "He left us all wrecked. Thank God for birth control. The entire female line-up could have been compromised between Peter and McCoy."
"It's always the smart funny guys." Betsy chuckled softly already knowing exactly who they meant.
"Alright, I know we have not all been on the absolute best terms, lately. I've been meaning to fix that, but something always seems to come up." Scott had just finished briefing the assembled teams on the situation. "Now, normally we would just take one team and pray it was enough, but I'm learning my lessons. All of us will be going, but I am changing the Rules of Engagement."
"Good thinkin', Cyke." Wolverine had just made it back from the Avenger's mansion with Hank. "Don't think our standard hit first and pray is gonna pass muster here."
"Well, I have been speaking with many of you and attempting to dislodge the telephone pole I have wedged where the sun don't shine." Scott smirked as he saw a few of his detractors wince a bit. "Normally when we discover the Phoenix Force the Host has already gone Dark or close to it. This time, the Host does not seem to be making any hostile actions. Emma has detected no coercion on the others present."
"That's good news. Susie can be mean enough, don't need Malice coming out to play." Ben grunted as processed that.
"Exactly and Wanda can be infinitely worse as she is arguably as powerful as the Phoenix." Scott hated having to admit that. He knew the woman was trying to turn her life away from the cesspit it had been. "For all we know this Host could be like Rachel and completely in control. If so, we'll chalk this up to a joint exercise."
"I am curious as to the identity of the Host given that there seems to be a different Elizabeth present." Hank said as he looked through the files prepared form Emma's scans. "This one is still has the tattoo." Hank pointed out bringing the image to main viewer behind Cyclops. "It could be we have another dimensional hopper on our hands."
"We are unable to get an image of the Host at this time." Cyclops was not pleased to have incomplete data. "However that does not change our plan. We will approach the Host peacefully and attempt dialog. Only if diplomacy fails will we attempt to neutralize the Host. The envoys will be Myself, Emma and Cable. Logan, Storm and Rogue will take command of the strike teams."
"Hey, whatta 'bout me?" Benjamin Grimm barely kept from shouting.
"I can't order you around, Ben. If you want to come along as the muscle, I won't stop you." Scott shrugged. Once everyone calmed down, he continued. "The Rules of Engagement are do not attack unless attacked. No lethal attacks either. I'm talking to you, Wade."
"Alright, Alright." Deadpool grumped as he was loading his brand new gun. The four barreled monstrosity was something even Rocket Racoon would be jealous of. "But if I see a CoH armband all bets are off. Scott said I could."
"No, I didn't."
"Not you, a different Scott altogether."
~There we are, Home sweet Home.~ Spider-man thought to himself as he released the last webline and prepared to land right next to the master bedroom window. ~Whoa, already thinking of this place as home…that has to be a record.~ He chuckled internally before crawling in the window. Thankfully the flowers he had gotten Wanda as an apology survived the trip in his web bag. ~Here's to hoping this gets me out of being killed.~ Setting aside the flowers he slipped off his mask and gloves, tucking them into the pockets of the jeans he would be wearing in a minute. Grabbing one of his better dress shirt he quickly assumed his Peter Parker look. He was half way down the stairs when he heard the feminine laughter coming from the livingroom.
"…And then he just turns to me and says: Well, I've had worse first dates."
~I know that voice. I thought Jean was dead.~ Peter was of course a little confused. He knew Jean Grey-Summers had a penchant for coming back from the dead, but usually she hung with the X-men. ~What the hell is going on?~ He was so preoccupied with that question in his head he almost missed the last step. His spider-sense had warned him in time, but he still thumped the floor hard enough to be heard, unlike his normal stealthy approach
"Peter?" Wanda's voice called out and when she saw him peak his head around the corner she continued. "I'm glad you're home. Come on in, we were just talking about you."
Peter was nearly frozen in terror. Despite the fact his Spider-Sense was not even tingling, he knew this was going to bite him in the ass. In the living room sat Wanda, Amora, Jessica, Carol, Susan, Jean, Elizabeth and Laura. He'd had more than passing fantasies with every woman in the room except Laura. Not only that, but he had not been blind to Jessica, Carol and Susan's recent flirting. He never acted on it as he thought it had just been friendly, but given he recent turn of Parker Luck, he was beginning to think it was anything but.
"Relax, Peter, nobody here is the least bit angry with you." Jean said as she picked up his surface thoughts. Instinctively she pushed a few reassuring and calming impulses towards his mind. "We've got things we need to discuss with you."
"Well, don't take this the wrong way, but aren't you dead…again?" Peter finally stepped into the room and opened mouth, only to wish he'd kept it shut. ~I really need to learn to keep my foot out of my mouth.~
"There were days I wished." Jean murmured sadly, but set quickly recovered. "No, I'm not this world's Jean Grey. Nor is Betsy here from this world." Pausing for a moment she waited for Peter to nod in acceptance. "You know, you should probably take a seat. What we have to discuss is difficult."
Peter almost said he would stand, but decided against it. The way everyone was seated at the moment, he had little choice but to sit between Carol and Jessica. He didn't miss the fact that once he did take a seat, the two women had practically cuddled up to him. He glanced around the room and noticed that Wanda, Jean and Amora all looked a little jealous, but not angry. "Okay, so what is the deal here?"
"Well, the truth is, Peter, than in my Dimension, I was in love with and married Spider-Man." Jean responded as matter of factly as she could. Even after all the centuries she had lived her voice still cracked a bit when she thought of losing him. Pausing for a moment she continued. "I came to this dimension because, well I was alone for so very long. And before you even think it, I do not see you as a replacement. I've had many, many years to move on. If they had been anyone alive, I would have. So just put that rebound thing out of your head."
"She speaks the truth Husband." Amora added in defense of Jean.
"Okay, that still doesn't explain why everyone is here discussing me." Peter had taken a moment to just absorb that. He'd heard that Jean could effectively be immortal given her exposure to the Phoenix, so hearing she lived many years was not shocking. "I mean I understand Amora. Which is still a little confusing."
"They are discussing the formation of a Coven in sharing the love of yourself." As usual Laura's blunt delivery had shocked nearly everyone silent. "Actually, Mrs Richards and myself are not contemplating joining the Coven as of yet, but we have our own reasons for wanting to be close to you. In my case, I am fascinated by you nearly as much as your presence drives away the nightmares. In Mrs Richards she needs a friend and a positive male role model for Franklin and Valeria given that Mr Richards has abandoned them."
"Oh." Peter was waiting for the April Fool's or gotcha. When it did not come he took a moment to just breathe. "Okay, I think I need a more thorough explanation. Like I said, I heard Amora's but why on God's green Earth would the rest of you want me? You can all do so much better."
This was the moment Peter felt his spider-sense tingle. ~Oh crap, I just insulted the man all these women love."