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chapter 13: guilt.

It had been two days since his outburst with his father and spencer felt the need to call him. Tomorrow was his mothers funeral and he couldn't bear the thought of them arguing . Morgan had calmed William Reid down after his outburst and drove him home advising him to let spencer call him when he was ready. For the last two days spencer had been moping about a bit, but he was a lot better than he had been and was even popping the odd fact or statistic.

Spencer sat in his hotel room with his phone in his hand. He had already dialed his fathers number several times but couldn't quite bring himself to talk to him. When he finally let the phone ring he was nervous at what his fathers reaction would be.

"Spencer." Came his fathers voice, he sounded shocked.

"Hey dad, listen I'm um really sorry for well what went on the other day, I guess I was just really upset." Spencer started off. "Listen you know it's mums funeral tomorrow and I just thought that we should try and put our differences aside."

"Thank you spencer, I really appreciate what your doing here. Listen I'm so sorry for losing my temper like that, I should of never hit you and it wasn't right. I do love you and I should of never treated you like that." William said sincerely.

"It's fine dad." Spencer said desperately trying to make an effort.

"Thanks. Anyway how are you?" William asked, he knew it was a stupid question but he was concerned about his sons welfare.

"I'm better. It's just really hard." Spencer said. This was the truth he was honestly feeling a lot better, however that didn't mean he still didn't get a small lump at the back of his throat every time he thought of his mum.

"That's good, and I know it takes time. If you ever need anyone to talk to you do know I'm always here for you spencer." His dad said softly.

"Thanks dad, listen I've got to go now but I'll see you tomorrow. Bye." Spencer said quickly hanging up the phone. He felt relieved that he and his father were on good terms again and although he hung the phone up rather abruptly, at least he'd gotten it over with. Spencer lay back down on his bed, it was nearly noon but all he wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sleep. After nearly drifting off he was awoken by his phone buzzing, at first he thought it was his father calling him back, but when he looked at the caller ID it instantly sent shivers down his spine.

"Hello?" Reid asked, his voice shaky.

"Hi Doctor. Reid, is this a good time to call?" Asked the familiar voice of , his mothers old doctor.

"No, it's fine. What can I help you with." Reid asked, longing to know why he was calling.

"I know that this is quite soon but your mothers stuff still needs to be collected from the sanatarium. Now I understand if your not ready to pick it up yet so just take your time, we will keep it here as long as possible." said softly. Reid had completely forgot about the sanatarium and his mothers things. He quickly weighed his options whether or not he should go or not. He wasn't sure if he could handle looking into his mothers life and find out things that he didn't know because he rarely visited her. Suddenly a wash of guilt flooded over him and he felt sick again.

"Sorry, um today's really not a good day but I could come over another time next week maybe." Reid said his voice shaking badly.

"That's fine, just come over whenever you feel ready." replied.

"Thanks, bye." Reid said quickly and hung up the phone. He felt like he had lost his mother all over again. He just wanted to scream away all the pain he felt but he knew that it wouldn't make him feel any better. Just when he was about to let it all out, he heard a gentle knock on the door. Quickly composing himself he walked over to the door, hoping whoever it was could leave him in peace. When he opened the door he was greeted by Morgan and Emily.

"Hey Reid." Morgan said inviting himself into Spencer's hotel room.

"How are you your looking a bit pale." Emily said following Morgan.

"I'm fine." Replied reid his voice shaking slightly.

"We'll you don't look it." Said Emily gently. "You want to talk about it?"

Just the thought of telling someone the guilt he felt brought tears to his eyes. Quickly blinking them away, he shook his head.

"Your not alright pretty boy. Now when you decide to tell me and Emily whats eating at you we will be here for you, but until then we were wondering if you wanted to get some lunch with us." Morgan said gently. Reid was grateful for Morgan not pushing him to tell them what was wrong but he was definitely not in the mood for lunch.

"I'm not really in the mood for lunch." Reid said shakily.

"You sure? We were planning to go to that cafe me and you went to with the big coffees." Emily asked, concerned about Reid. As much as spencer craved a cup of coffee, he just wanted to be alone.

"I'm not hungry." Spencer lied. This is when Morgan and Emily knew something was wrong. Not once in his whole life had reid refused a cup of coffee.

"Reid what's eating at you?" Morgan said gently.

"Nothing." Croaked reid, tears glazing his eyes.

"Don't lie, since when do you refuse coffee. Just tell us what's wrong or we will try and guess." Emily said sternly, just wanting to get to the bottom of what was bugging reid so much.

"It's um well, I got a um call from um." Reid stammered tears were now visibly welling up in his eyes."My mums doctor just called and he wanted me to pick up her stuff."

"So what's really bothering you then. Reid I know that this alone wouldn't upset you." Morgan said seeing how hurt his friend was.

"It's just um, I can't do it." Reid croaked, he was desperately trying not to break down again .

"Reid don't worry about it, we get it. Just collect it when your ready and one of us will come with you." Emily said trying to assure him.

"It's not that, it's um I just feel guilty." Reid said, his voice was a bit more stronger but he was still upset.

"You have nothing to feel guilty about." Morgan said sternly.

"I do though. I rarely visited her and now I will clean out her room finding things I probably didn't even know about her. I'm a dreadful person." Reid said letting a few tears escape.

"Reid! Don't you dare say that. You are not a dreadful person and I will not let you beat yourself up about this. Your mother knew you loved her, you wrote to her everyday! Now you are going to pull yourself together and come to lunch with Morgan and I before I drag you out of this hotel." Emily shouted. In some ways this was the push reid needed and was thankful for a friend like Emily. Whipping away the tears Reid quickly went into the bathroom and washed his face. When he came out he felt refreshed and a bit better.

"I could really do with a coffee." Spencer said.