*chapter warnings: mention of enema (non-descriptive) and violent, possibly triggery, sex
Jim,
Leonard is a bit miffed that you haven't visited us yet. I understand though. I included... well. Probably too many pictures of Joanna. She's adorable, Jim. Leonard is a wonder with her. He is going to ask you when you get around to getting here, but how do you feel about being a godfather? Who would have thought that you and I could come to this? For a dumb hick, you sure are an incredible person, Jim. I can't wait for Jojo to find that out.
Love,
Ny
****
"You're sure about this?"
I bit my lip. I was sure. Ish. Okay, I was more terrified by way of sure. Sybok had done his best to explain everything that I could expect. The pon far (I still called it porn far in my head) was mindless... well, rutting. Sybok said that he usually hired someone to fuck when his Time came. He also paid them well and had medical on standby, and that was with the knowledge going in. The fact that Spock may or may not even recognize me... well yeah. Terrifying covered it.
In the four hours that T'Pring had beamed upon our small ship, Sybok had worked out a deal with the Vulcan council to ensure that my mind would be looked at by a mind healer. I made him promise that it wouldn't be anyone I knew, and Sybok had gotten that weird, furious, protective, fond look on his face that always reminded me of Bones. He'd also made sure that I would have a room to myself before I went in, and time after to recover.
Recover.
And that right there... that was what caused my balls to crawl up damn near into my stomach. Recover meant injury. Recover meant that there was a slim possibility that I might not come out of this okay. I wish that I trusted Spock on this; trusted that he wouldn't hurt me but the fact was that I didn't. I didn't trust him at all. I didn't think that I ever would trust him again.
Apparently not even Sybok could get me out of meeting up with Sarek. Sarek was insisting on it. That made me nervous. I didn't really want to fuck with him, or the emotional monkey shit he was going to fling at me. I can't even begin to tell you how much I didn't want that stuff rucked up again. The last few months with Sybok had been.. better. Not great. But compared to what Spock had done to me, it was fucking gold. Part of me was afraid that he would do something funky to my brain again.
But.
It was fine for me to really really ... feel hurt by Spock. I wish that I could say that I hated him, but no. That was the problem. I definitely didn't hate him. And it was kind of hard to just sit by and let him fucking die because of his stupid biology.
"Kirk?"
I jolted, having completely forgot that Sybok had asked me a question. "Yeah. I'm sure."
Sybok let out a breath. "I would hug you if I didn't think he'd be furious at the scent of me all over you."
There was a beep of the console and Sybok clasped my shoulder. It was kind of a manly (well, Vulcanly) gesture of camaraderie. I guess. Although I'm fairly certain Sybok didn't really want specifics of what was about to happen. "Wouldn't patting my ass be more apt?" I grinned and Sybok rolled his eyes, pushing me towards the transporter. I took a deep breath, nodded to Sybok and had him beam me down to the surface of the Vulcan colony.
***
I didn't expect to see Spock. The old Spock, not my Spock. Well, no. I did expect to see my Spock but it threw me off to see the old Spo-
"You are nervous."
"You are so, so good at stating the obvious."
The lips twitched, and had I not been spending so much time with Sybok, the sight would have sent me keeling over in shock. As it was, I just swallowed hard and tried to remember that I wanted to be here. The thing was, this version of Spock made me just as uncomfortable. This was the one that lied to me. He'd hinted at the whole fucking galaxy collapsing if I told my- no. Not mine. Fuck. I had to stop doing that. I couldn't call him mine. He most emphatically was not. Bones had been so, so pissed off when I finally got around to telling him that I'd let this strange, sad, ancient Vulcan in my mind, grouching about mind control and what was left of my brain leaking out of my ears.
Now that was some fucking irony, now that I really thought about it.
"Why are you here?"
"I suspected that you would not wish to see Sarek before going in with... Spock."
I tilted my head, suspicious. "That seems really nice of you."
I saw something flash in his eyes. Pain, or something like it. "You do not trust me."
"Again, with the obvious. You have given me no reason to trust you. None of you have. Well, okay, Sybok has, but that's because he fixed what you guys fucked-" I blew out a breath, running my hand through my hair. "You know what? It doesn't matter. Please just tell me what you wanted to tell me, so I can get this over with."
There was a beat of silence. Spock turned away from me for a moment, clutching his hands behind his back. Again, the act pissed me off more than anything else. The dude was over 100 years old. He had to know what moves were meant to manipulate or not. Seeing him "emotional", or at least as emotional as the ancient Vulcan got... was that on purpose? Was he doing it for my benefit? I wish I could just trust him. That mind thing that we shared had been one of the most incredibly, intense things in my life. In part it had made me overlook my Spock's uptight bitchiness to try to get to know him better.
"I wish to attempt to prepare you for what you are about to endure. Unfortunately, Spock is so far in the plak tow that very little of 'him' is recognizable. His healers estimate that if he does not mate within the hour, then he will be lost to us."
I nodded, surprised. Sybok had seemed to believe that Spock had more like days than hours.
"He will not be able to recognize you, old friend."
I glared at his back. I was not his old friend. I wasn't his anything. Spock must have heard that I was ready to interrupt, and continued:
"You must not attempt to fight him. Submission is vital to your survival. I have insisted that the room remains monitored, so that if you are in physical distress we can attempt to retrieve you."
Attempt?!
"Do you have any queries, Jim?"
My mouth was dry. How fucked up was this? How completely and utterly fucked up was the fact that I was standing here, willing to do this for someone who didn't want me? I blinked, shaking my head. "Is there somewhere I can get ready?"
"Indeed. There are several manual stimulators and various varieties of personal lubricant. I-" Spock turned slightly, staring at me out of the corner of his eye. "Please.. prepare yourself. There will be less likely of an injury if -"
"Yeah. I got it, thanks. Well, Spock, you were right. This was much less humiliating coming from you than from Sarek, so thanks for that. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go stick some stuff up my ass."
It almost looked like he rolled his eyes, but that couldn't be right.
"Spock will be able to scent the others on you."
Oh. That's right. Sybok said something about that as well. Shit.
There was a beep from the console and Spock looked down, raising a bushy, grey eyebrow. "It would appear that Spock is deteriorating rapidly. Please Jim. It is best if you go now. He is through this corridor. I have marked it here, on this map. The bathing chamber is through this door. Jim- I. I will be monitoring. Should you need assistance I will know."
My throat tightened. I nodded, hardly noticing when Spock left as I began. For the first time, I wondered what the old guy had gone through during his own porn far. Pon far. Whatever.
I licked my dry lips and stripped, my eyes widening at the drawer full of apparatuses that the Vulcans had left for me. My nose wrinkled as I saw the tube and bag. An enema wasn't exactly right up there on my list of sexytimes, but Sybok had made it clear that it would probably be necessary.
After my shower I stood there dripping, staring at the different sizes of 'manual stimulators'. Trust Vulcans to make even a dildo sound boring. Although, given that they went into heat every few years, maybe to them it was. I shrugged, picked one that was kind of on the mid to small size and some lube and quickly stretched myself open.
Jesus Christ.
Talk about muscles not used for awhile. It was hard not to.. well. Get hard while I played with my ass, reaching back with lube, giving myself my fingers, then the toy until it moved smoothly. I felt a little more than perverted as I stood there with one leg on the chair, the other on the floor as I stretched myself open, wondering just how closely Spock was monitoring.
Hope the old guy was enjoying his show.
There was a white robe folded neatly next to the pornicopia of toys, and with a deep breath I slid it over my body. My dick was full, thick and absently I stroked it with the leftover lube, frowned, then turned to get some more, sliding it all over the crease of my ass, on my balls, and a little more up my ass. I had a feeling that Spock wasn't exactly going to be in any state to make sure everything was all nice and slick, and spit-fucking was so not my thing.
I fastened the robe and looked around the small room, wiping my slick hand on the robe with a little grimace before punching up the map Spock had left me.
Okay. No more stalling.
I walked quickly to the room and entered the code Spock had left for me. There was kind of a small room, stacked with food and water. I noticed two different medical kits an the thought made me freeze.
Oh shit. Bones. I didn't...
It only took a second to go to the computer console and send him a message. There wasn't a lot of time to fucking explain, and to be honest I didn't really know exactly what I would say, but I couldn't just leave him with nothing in case this really did go that poorly.
Bones.
So apparently Vulcans can die of blue balls. Spock needs me, and you know I could never say no to him. Spock (the old one) and Spock's dad both warned me that this could go badly, and that I could be hurt. Don't blame him if something bad happens, okay? Tell Ny that I love her. I love you too, you grouchy asshole. Keep them safe for me.
Jim
That done I took a deep breath, looking briefly up at the ceiling. "I'm goin' in. Wish me luck." I had only a second to think, no. No, this is bad before the doors slid open and I was taking a step through.
The room was almost completely dark. My eyes didn't even have time to adjust before something was rushing at me. Years of military training reflex had me assuming a defensive pose before I was tackled into the wall. My head snapped back against the surface and I grunted, biting my tongue. I tried to push him away, attempted to get a knee up to defend myself before I could stop myself, and was swatted to the ground in the next heartbeat. Something twinged in my wrist and I cursed.
Spock was growling, a low, darkly feral sound. I landed on my hands and knees, favoring my hurt wrist, twisting so that I was on my back. Finally, the warnings Spock and Sybok had given me clicked, and I just lay there, my head and tongue throbbing. My wrist felt like it had been sprained. "Spock? It's... me."
There was another growl and Spock leaped so that he was on top of me, pushing me further down into the ground. The floor was padded, but it still hurt, and I made a small pain sound as my arms were stretched up above my head, my legs splaying out. Spock made that sound again, and I forced myself to stay there, relaxed.
The elder Spock must have realized that humans couldn't see as well as Vulcans in the dark, because a low light slowly came on. Spock hissed and snapped, and I know my mouth must have fallen open as I stared up at him. He looked terrible. I only caught a glimpse of dark eyes and a mouth twisted in a snarl before he was snuffling at my throat. I felt teeth and froze again, my eyes widening, wondering if he was going to rip my fucking throat out before I could move. The snuffling freaked me out. It was something an animal did, not something Spock would do. "It's okay, Spock. It's me. Jim."
"JJJJjjj-" There was the sound of rending fabric as he ripped the robe from my body.
I licked my lips as Spock buried his nose under my ear, sniffed down and nosed at my armpit. I winced, trying not to squirm away. My dick, which had forgotten that this was supposed to be a sexual thing, got back on board when Spock sniffed further down my stomach, past my navel and over my crotch. He buried his nose in my pubic hair and I couldn't help the grunt when he pushed my legs back, so that my knees were up by my ears. And, okay. It was not a comfortable feeling. I could feel the lube globbing out of my ass, my cheeks sliding together as he knees up, his hands tight on my calves. Spock moved his face down, sniffing right at my hole and I stared up at the ceiling, feeling ... well. I don't know what I was feeling. Stupid, mostly.
I felt teeth on the meat of my ass and winced as Spock bit me. There was the growl again, and I felt the skin in his teeth stretch before he let go, just before he would have bloodied me.
"Ouch! Fuck, Spock, what the hell?" My head lolled on the rug, and I felt dizzy when he flipped me over, pushing me down to the floor again. My dick scraped painfully against the fibers of the carpet, and I struggled to get on my knees. Spock's teeth were at my neck again, and this time I felt blood sliding down towards my ear as he bit me. White hot pain blinded me for a minute, and I collapsed down on the floor with a scream.
Spock was growling again, as he rutted against my ass, his dick jabbing painfully at my balls, his nails digging into my hips as he rubbed against me. My eyes widened as I felt him. I hadn't even gotten a chance to look as his junk, and here he was, ready to slide into me, if he could just get the right angle. He was so single-minded, it was like he didn't even know what to do.
"Wait- Spock... let me..." I turned again, and Spock's growl actually scared me, causing me to freeze. I was only able to tilt my ass a little and Spock's growl broke off it changed the angle of his rutting, so that his dick was sliding in the lube between my ass cheeks, something catching on the rim of my hole every time he thrust.
Shit. He was big.
That fucking figured.
I tentatively rocked back, and Spock licked at the bite he gave me, causing me to shudder. Biting wasn't really my thing, but I think my pain and pleasure receptors were fucked up because my cock thickened at the lapping strokes of his tongue.
"JJJJjjjj-"
It occurred to me that he was trying to say my name.
"Jim, Spock. It's me." I didn't even really know if he understood that I was here or not. I didn't really think so. I pushed back slightly, and Spock pulled off of me, jerking my hips up so that my ass was in the air. I felt something huge and hot nudge at my entrance, and only had a second to brace myself as Spock shoved into me with a roar of sound that broke off as he went balls-deep in one thrust.
I bit through my own lip. He was... a lot thicker than the preparation I'd done. I felt like I was being split in two as he pulled out, the head dragging against my insides, causing tears to leak out of my eyes. Oh fuck, it burned. It fucking hurt; bright sparks of pain that flared as he twisted his hips, screwing into me. Spock made a lower sound, pushing my shoulders down so that my ass lifted up, his thrusts speeding up until he was slamming into my, my ass jiggling with the force of his movements.
I heard my choked, chopped off breaths as Spock fucked me, the "okay.. okay.. okay..." over and over as though if I kept saying it, it really would be okay.
Spock froze and I swear to God it felt like the bones in my hips were being ground together as his grips tightened. I felt stuffed full of his cock and his come and it made me feel vaguely sick, but his come made his thrusts much more slick as he paused, then started again.
I closed my eyes, taking it. I guess this was my version of closing my eyes and thinking of Starfleet, because it actually became easy to ignore the second time Spock came inside of me. The third was a lot more painful as the bruised skin began sting. I had a horrible suspicion that something had torn, because Spock's come had began to hurt as he painted my insides still fucking deeply inside of me.
My knees felt like they were on fire. I had eventually managed to pillow my cheek on my folded forearms so that my sore face wasn't being pushed into the carpet. I had bites of varying deepness on my neck, nips and sore spots that Spock licked or sucked on, marking me. There was a hell of a good one on my shoulder that just hurt, throbbing dully, an echoing burst of pain when Spock continued to rut into my sore, abused ass.
When he collapsed against me, I actually thought it was over. Spock grunted and I moved a little, stretching as all the dings and twinges made themselves known, like an orchestra of bruises that had suddenly stopped tuning up and were ready to play full-on.
Ow. Ow ow, motherfucking ow.
Spock's breathing was relaxed, and I chanced moving away from him. My stomach heaved at the way he lay there, blissed out, covered in sweat. His hair looked like he'd walked through a hurricane. His mouth was bruised, lips full from the biting kisses he'd peppered over my back, neck and shoulders. There was a smear of blood on his chin that made bile thick in my throat, and for a second I really thought I was going to get sick.
This was so fucked up.
I moved slowly, so, so incredibly slowly, inching myself away from Spock in minute increments, careful not to wake him up. Two feet away, then five, and I felt safe enough to pull myself up to my feet.
Oh Jesus, that hurt. I bit my already sore lip against a moan that might wake Spock up. I could feel his come sliding out of my hole, thick and wet on my thighs, sliding against my balls. I heard a sound behind me as the doors wooshed open, and I stumbled as I reached out for the medical kit. My fingers closed around the handle just as I heard a low growl behind me.
Shit.
I took a huge step back into the room, closer to Spock and saw that he was standing there, his cock-half hard. Now that I could see it, the pain in my ass made a lot more sense. He was thick, a dark, olive-colored color. The tip was shiny with come and lube. He took another step forward, and all I could think to do was to take another step forward, sliding my hand on his arm. I kissed his shoulder with trembling lips, not sure if this would be well-received or not. "Spock. It's okay, man. I just need.. I'm hurt. A little! And I just need to take care of a few things," I babbled, pressing a small kiss on the corner of his jaw.
It was something I had done before, and it almost seemed as my Spock flickered deep in his eyes. The growl turned lower, almost questioning. I stroked his arm again, and the growl turned less dangerous and. Well. I would say kittenish, but that sounds completely ridiculous even to my own ears. Mellow maybe. Whatever. Spock followed me meekly enough, as long as I didn't step too far away from him.
I winced, hissing as I climbed on the bed and Spock's fingers brushed against my ass, pressing into the bruises he had left there before. I shivered, giving my cock a dirty look. Damn traitorous thing. I kneeled and dug through the kit, looking for a regenerator, never more thankful in my life of the three years for rooming with Bones at the Academy. Whoever had packed it had packed the kind that was used for the mouth, or I guess up the ass. It had a small wand and I really didn't want to stick that thing anywhere near my sore asshole, but needs must and all that.
I groaned as it began to work, and glared up at the ceiling. I wasn't exactly sure how Spock was monitoring all of this, but he had to know that I was fine. Sore, bruised, but fine. The low purring growl Spock had been giving off stopped as his fingers brushed against my butt, causing me to look over at where he stood next to the bed. I knew better than to struggle, but I had to leave the regenerator inside of me for at least another few minutes, or I was going to be a whole fuck lot more than 'a bit sore.' Still, when Spock pushed at my hip, it was with a lot more gentleness than he'd shown before. He pushed and prodded me so that I was stretched on my back with my feet flat on the bed, my knees spread. It made the angle of holding the regenerator a little awkward, but when Spock leaned over to sniff at me again, I sort of forgot about it.
My cock wasn't hard, but was sore from the brushing against the carpet, like the blood was close to the surface. Sensitive. Spock's tongue against the head, lapping at the bit of precome that had been there before caused me to freeze with a small cry. Spock lapped at the head of my dick, sliding his mouth down over the ridge, down the shaft, nosing at my balls and inhaling again before sucking one, than the other in his mouth. Spock moved down, licking his come off of my skin, tongue fluttering around the small regenerator that was humming inside of my hole, moving down and lapping at my thighs, pulling me up so that he could lick up the crack, cleaning me completely. When he moved his mouth back to my hole, Spock made a low sound in his throat, one finger sliding around the stretched rim. I jerked away with a hiss, but fuck. It was far, far from painful. My cock jumped and precome oozed out, cold in the warm air of the room. I lost my grip on the regenerator, and it fell down between my legs. Spock threw it with a low growl. I heard the regenerator hit the floor with a clatter.
Spock must have come inside of me four or five times. I think I had lost count at one point, but when his fingers teased my rim, I couldn't help but squeeze the muscles in my ass, feeling another glob of his come leak out. Spock grunted, pushing me back so that he could push it back inside of me.
"Ohhh, shit." His fingers were long, but when they slid inside of me, it was with a squelch that should have been revolting, but since he pressed into that small bump of nerves, the sounds I was making was absolutely not painful. Spock's growl next to my cock made me whimper. He liked that, his gaze darting up to meet my shocked one.
Sybok had said that this was the time of mating. I had expected more of the mindless fucking, but this? This was him trying to make me feel good.
And oh, fuck forgive me but it felt amazing. His fingers slid around inside of me, rubbing over my prostate. His mouth was hot, wet suction on my cock, growling a little when I spurted precome each time he tapped the little bump of nerves. Spock moved off my cock with a pop. He stretched my hole open with his fingers, licking inside of me with broad, thick swipes of his tongue. Each time his teeth scraped lightly against the sensitive skin around where his tongue fucked me I felt like I'd been electrocuted, crying out until I was coming, spurting onto my stomach and chest, staring down at his rucked-up hair with wide eyes.
Within one blink and the next, he was inside me again, stretching the recently healed muscles open. Spock's eyes blazed down at me, and I saw his lips form my name, a startled puff of "Jim," like he didn't quite understand what was happening. From this angle his cock felt amazing, thick and so fucking hard that my body felt like it was thrumming on the edge of coming again. I arched, feeling myself thicken again as he slid inside of me, tilting my hips just so.
I wrapped my legs around his hips, grinding back as he thrust. This was much, much better. This? I could do this until I passed out. It could have been minutes, or hours. I know that I came again. And again, a dry orgasm that seemed to wring me out. Spock didn't talk, didn't moan. All I heard were low growls, or grunts, and the wet sound of him sliding into me over and over. On my knees, facing him. In his lap, with his teeth working at the top of my spine, fucking into his tight fist, the sweat from our bodies making everything slick. Me on top of him, bouncing on his cock, greedily taking everything I could get.
I think I must have passed out. Or maybe I was dreaming because I thought I blinked awake to Spock leaning over me, staring down at me like I was something precious, reaching out to me like Sybok had with his fingers on my temples. "No...," my moan was sleepy, my throat ravaged from God knew how many hours of moaning and begging, screaming and crying out. "Y'r fucking me. You don't need to touch me." I batted his hands away, turning so that my back was to him. I felt heavy, like my body weighed too much, but I knew that I didn't want that. "Don't want you in my head again. 'hurts, Spock." I fell asleep again, and when I woke up I wasn't sure what I had dreamed or not.
Spock was asleep besides me, his face buried into my pillow. He didn't stir when I slid out of the bed. I stumbled, dizzy. Fuck, I was thirsty. Body was like one giant, aching bruise and I wanted out of here. I wanted a shower. I couldn't help but look back once at Spock. I'd done it. Sybok had said I'd know when it was over by how relaxed Spock was, and this was just about as relaxed as I had ever seen my former First officer. My former... nothing. It didn't matter. I had done what I said that I would do, and there really wasn't any reason for me to stick around.
I limped to the door, stepping through and shivering. The other door opened, and I knew it was the older Spock standing there, his face carefully blank. He held a robe identical to the one that I had used before, but I was so sore that he had to help me dress.
"Jesus fucking jumped-up Christ, Jim. Are you fucking crazy? Bones' furious hiss made me jerk, almost losing my balance.
"How. Wh-what?"
He smacked the back of my head. "You send me that message and then..." He drew himself up, sucking in a breath. I recognized that movement. That was the Jim-you're-stupid-to-live-so-I'll-do-my-civic-duty -and-rip-your-arms-off-and-beat-you-with-them look. Or possibly I was projecting. Either way, I couldn't stifle the flinch and hiss of pain when Bones grabbed my arm, and for a second I thought he was going to turn on his heel and go kill Spock himself. The rage in his eyes made me jerk away, and all of the sudden I was more ashamed than anything of what had just happened.
I stood up and walked by Spock, who was watching Bones with an off look on his face. My skin was crawling, I was feeling like a fucking whore, and I just wanted to go sleep for a week. I didn't care about whatever shit he was feeling. "Bones? You ready?"
Bones couldn't even speak. I could hear his molars grinding together from three feet away. He nodded and we walked to the beam-out spot. "If Sarek needs to discuss anything with me, he knows how to contact me. No more sending an ambassador. He can have the balls to talk to me directly, via subspace." I cleared my throat. "You said he'd be... okay?" I think all three of us knew I wasn't talking about Sarek anymore.
"Yes, Jim."
"Good." I took another step, bit my lip as I stared at the door. "Let's go, Bones."
****
Jim,
I wish to speak with you. No. That is inaccurate. I find that I need to speak with you. Know that my father and my counterpart have refused to disclose your communication address. Both have made it abundantly clear that you have no desire for further communication between the two of us. I have rarely found myself in the position with the need or with the inclination to apologize, yet I find that recent events have made my need all-consuming. I I have asked Admiral Pike to send this to you, as I find myself with no other recourse. Desperation is also not a human emotion with which I am familiar.
I have no assertion that you will receive this. Indeed, I have no assertion that you will respond. I can only ask that should you wish hear my explanations, contact me at your earliest convenience.
Spock.
Chapter 5Chapter Warning: Kirk/ofc (briefly, non-specific mentions)
Transmission: Request. /00482AHG.01
To: James T. Kirk
From: S'chn T'gai Spock
[Transmission Request: Denied. ALL TRANSMISSIONS FROM S'CHN T'GAI SPOCK BLOCKED VIA USER REQUEST]
Things got better.
Bones didn't talk to me for a month after I'd healed up. And, really after having sex for so long it wasn't really so bad, considering. Spock had sprained my wrist, and I had had a lot of bruises and scrapes that were mildly humiliating to have Bones see. Bones had just ground his teeth together and had kept his biting remarks to a minimum. And Spock was okay, so. Not really the worst thing I'd had to do in my life.
Painful? Yes. Humiliating? Oh my fucking god, yes. I still cringed whenever something from those two days popped into my mind. It wasn't bad while I was in there, but going out, being face to face with Bones and an older version of the guy who had just fucked me into the mattress... ugh. It had been getting caught by my mom, only about eight billion times worse.
I hadn't gotten the room to recover since Bones basically goose-marched me back to Sybok's ship, but I did get a visit from a mind-healer. I never caught her name, but her cold gaze made Sybok practically stutter over himself with nerves. I had been on my bunk, looking up at the ceiling when she beamed onboard. Bones had refused to leave until everything was okay, and had sat there at my desk, staring at her. I had flinched away when she initially reached out, and she was professional enough not to make me remember the specifics. I didn't remember Spock in my mind. Sybok had been clumsy and nervous, but her? I didn't even have a memory of what happened.
It kind of freaked me out that Vulcans could fuck around with our heads so easily.
But yeah. No more head trauma. She diagnosed me with basically what Sybok had said- Spock had bonded with me. She made it clear that it was a one-sided thing, in the sense that I was suffering because my poor human brain couldn't keep up. Funnily enough, I was not surprised at this. Just another way that Spock had fucked with me. For the first time since Spock and I had broken up, a numbness overtook me when I thought of him. I was just... done.
So, so fucking done.
Bones had finally left and shit got back to normal. It took me awhile, but I got over it. Maybe I finally grew up, I don't know. Bones would say it was about fucking time. And ... me? I'd have to agree with him.
***
"Jimmy!"
"Hey, Chris."
"Jesus, kid. You look different. That hair is definitely not regulation. You look like a pirate!"
I grinned, the grin widening even more when Chris stood up, limping over to me. The hug was unexpected, but nice. "Well, the pirate business can wait for a bit. I got your message, though. I was dirtside for a bit to see Bones and Ny so I figured you wouldn't care if I stopped by." It was almost painful to force a cheery conversation. I hope I didn't sound as awkward as I felt.
Chris was shaking his head, still smirking a little. "Have you seen that little twerp of theirs? She's gonna be some serious trouble when she's old enough. McCoy is probably already trying to find antique shotguns."
"Just pictures. This is my first time back home in... hell." I trailed off, a little surprised. "Wow. It's been a year, I guess." Something flicked over Chris' face, some emotion that I didn't quite catch. It put me on my guard though and all at once I remembered that yeah, he might be an old friend and all, but he was a high-ranking Admiral in Starfleet. His life was politics.
"Well, I'm glad you're here. I'm having a meeting in a few minutes, but." Chris' eyes widened as he looked at me. "Holy shit, Jimmy. You can… actually solve two problems for me. If you have the time."
Yep. To say I was suspicious was putting it mildly. I just raised an eyebrow.
"Do you know Jensen? The instructor?"
"You mean the dude who tried to make it his life's work to skull-fuck our brains with how many things would go wrong once we got up in the black? That Jensen?"
"He's due to give a lecture in twenty minutes on… well, okay I don't actually know what it's about, but it's to a class just about ready to graduate. Mostly command track, although a few engineering slipped in there somehow." As he warmed to his topic, Chris' clear blue gaze darkened, narrowed on me. I felt like a butterfly pinned to a dartboard. "Please. Please tell me you'll step in for me. I'll buy you dinner. Come on…"
I was surprised that the thought was actually tempting. I always did love an audience. That was only one of my many, many problems. I was nodding before I thought it the whole way through. "I guess. That would be okay. They get me how I am though. No bullshit."
"No bullshit. Jeez, you don't even know. It's like a freaking miracle or something. The only other person who was free is fucking Barnett, and I wouldn't wish that shit on anyone."
I laughed.
I did go ahead and freshen up a little before I went to the lecture hall that Chris directed me towards. Still, I had to smother a snort. I looked a whole lot different from the 'Captain James T. Kirk' that they knew. My hair was longer. I kept it tied back, but it definitely wasn't the military haircut that most of them would recognize. I wore the same leather… well. I would say uniform, but I was starting to just think that Liz had a thing for guys in leather. These did really, really spectacular things to my ass. Sybok, the dick, had teased me about finally getting back in the saddle. Live it up. Do something crazy.
Funny. Especially since he wouldn't even think about doing anything too crazy—his beloved T'Pring wouldn't approve.
I went the t-shirt route, with a leather jacket over the ensemble. The jacket had lived through phaser blasts a plenty, one kidnapping, and an electrical fire. I'd already made arrangements that I be buried in the goddamn thing.
Still, pirate wasn't too far off the mark.
Ten minutes later, I had all of them in the palm of my hand. They were so fucking young, it kind of blew me away a little. I had one smartass ask me why, 'if it was so amazing, why did I leave?' that kind of made me flinch a little, but hey. I was pretty good at hiding it. An hour later I wound down and found myself walking back to Chris' office, when he commed me.
Hey, Jim. Will have to meet you at the restaurant. How about Talbot's at 1800?
It didn't bother me. I made a lot of credits doing what I did, but it was still nice to mooch a free meal once in awhile. I killed some time talking to some of the kiddies, got a few comm numbers that I didn't bother to save. It gave me a weird feeling of nostalgia to jog down the steps to find a transport, but I made it with about ten minutes to spare.
Talbot's was an old haunt of mine. It was modeled after an old-fashioned pub. I knew from old holos that people used to smoke in these places. It was one of the few places this close to campus where you could get live music, great food and cheap alcohol.
I found Chris and his corner table in the back with no trouble. He'd already ordered the first round and yeah. It was nice to have some time to just relax with a beer in front of me. Sybok was a lot of things, but one of them was not a dictionary definition of 'relaxed.' I guess that's why it was such a kick to the face.
I saw the way Chris' face shifted. There was a slight disturbance of air next to me, and then I could smell him. I knew that scent. At one point I knew that scent better than I knew my own. I used to tease him about Vulcan dryer sheets. His response? 'Illogical. 'Dryer sheets' went out of usage several hundred years ago.'
"Admiral Pike." His voice was the same. The last time I'd heard him, he'd been feral. Unnatural. Now though, it was his usual Vulcan inflection. "Jim." My eyes drifted shut.
This was so fucking unfair.
I jumped up, my knee hitting the underside of the table with a thump that sent the beer sloshing over my glass. Other patrons glanced over, caught by the potential for drama here.
"No." I spoke so quickly the word was just a squeak in my throat. "Not doing this. No. Hell no." I stared, betrayed at Chris. "Fuck you."
"Jim!" Anguished.
"Kid-" Frustrated.
I didn't wait to hear their bullshit. I swiped my thumb absently to pay for the meal and walked out, with my head down. Not looking at anyone. The constant how could he? made me sick. I told myself that Chris couldn't possibly have known... but that was bullshit. He approved both my and Spock's transfer orders. Me might not have known the specifics, but he knew he was betraying my trust.
The night was cool as I walked. It helped to offset the furious blush on my cheeks. My throat tightened when I heard the hasty footstep behind me, but I kept walking. I didn't even know where I was going, and the fact that Spock was actually following me made me want to punch him. I took a left down a narrow street, than a right. I heard the club before I saw it, and with a shiver stopped dead in the middle of the street.
While I was Captain, I had been very, very careful of my image. No risky behavior. After Liz hired me, I had no real interest in anything even remotely approaching risky behavior. But with Spock following me? With the fact that he cared so little for me that he couldn't even follow my one! request- that he just fuck off and leave me alone? Oh.. I was pissed.
I started walking- enjoying my anger. I knew I was being immature, and probably petty but I fucking wanted it. I wanted the anonymity of grinding up against some stranger, of dancing until my muscles trembled and burned with fatigue. I knew I'd have no problem getting someone to suck me off in a back room, an alley, and that? That fit my mood completely.
I blew by the bouncer with a smirk. Within minutes I had stripped off the jacket and shirt. The club didn't look to be a hole in the wall, and I took full service of the little coat check bot. Two minutes later I was out on the dance floor. I caught a few glimpses of Spock as I danced and each time fueled something in me. I wanted him to see me enjoying myself. I wanted him to see me grinding my ass into the guy behind me, making out with the girl in front of me. I was dripping with sweat and exhaustion by the time I stepped off the floor. I ignored Spock standing near the bar and ordered a water. It tasted so amazing that I grunted a little when it spilled on my chest. Still ignoring Spock I turned when a hand slid over my ass, smiling. Flirting. Enjoying myself. I didn't look back at Spock when the girl I was dancing with led me out off of the dance floor. I didn't care what expression was on his face- if he was angry or jealous or bored.
Jesus. I was such a fucking liar.
***
That was my big revenge? Disappearing with some random girl for ten minutes?
I brushed my teeth and spit out the toothpaste, feeling stupid.
We only had sonics on Sybok's ship, so it was nice to stand here in the steam from my shower. I wiped my hand over the mirror and sighed. Spock was likely where he'd been all night, outside my hotel room. I'd been stalling in the shower, going back and forth on whether I really wanted to talk to him or not. (I didn't. Fuck him.) Knowing that I needed some answers- or at least some explanations on why he acted the way he'd acted. Why had he lied to me? Why had he gone to such lengths to get rid of me? (I did. Fuck me, but I did.)
Sure I was... better now. If I carefully kept my mind away from certain areas. Bones had been so pissed that I helped Spock out with his little pon far problem because he knew that I was an idiot. An Idiot for Spock. He knew that I must have forgiven him a little- a tiny, microscopic, smidge of a little- for me to have gone riding to Spock's rescue. Huh. Riding.
The memory caused my whole body to tighten.
So a part of me knew that Spock was not one to give up. Even after all of this time, I just knew he would be waiting outside of my hotel room door, waiting for me to acknowledge him. Or waiting for me to ignore him again.
I dropped the towel and sighed, walking naked to the bedroom and pulling on my clothes. What could be the worst that happened if I let Spock in? He'd talk. I'd listen and then I could tell him to fuck off. My lips quirked in a nasty smile. I really kind of wanted that; to watch his eyes while I told him to leave. I wasn't worried about Spock doing anything physical. The idea was laughable. So why had I put this off for so long? If just seeing him was supposed to give me some perverse sense of satisfaction, then why had I waited so long?
I sighed. "Shit."
Before I could change my mind I ordered food for the both of us from long-standing memory. Might as well be civil. I wasn't the dickhead here.
I still found myself taking a deep breath and tugging nervously on my t-shirt before I opened the door.
Spock jerked, a shocked, graceless movement that was completely unlike him. I raised an eyebrow. "Well. You might as well come in. I've had enough calls about you lurking outside." I hadn't. I was paying enough credits that I could hire a naked gaggle of dancing Orions and the staff wouldn't bat an eyelash. With Spock in town I just hadn't wanted to deal with answering Bones and Nyota's questions. This was much easier, actually. The anonymous hotel room.
"Jim." Spock visibly steeled himself, careful not to brush my body as he went into the room. He hesitated for a split-second when he saw breakfast spread out, but gave no other outward sign. Ignoring him, I crossed to my own chair and began eating. He sat down with his posture straight. We both kept our gazes averted, eating with bland enjoyment of the food. Well, I was. Spock... who knew. He was as closed-off as I had ever seen him.
I was just finishing my pancakes when Spock spoke, the timbre of his voice sending a jolt through me. "Were you aware that our mothers knew each other?"
My mouth dropped open slightly. I quickly shut it, blushed and swallowed the bite of pancake. Talk about out of left field. That had been so not what I thought he'd open with. "No. Were they good friends?"
"It would appear that they did share a closeness, yes."
Okay. Good to know. What the actual fuck? I sipped at my orange juice, blinking a little, still confused.
Spock was quiet for several more minutes. It was enough to weird me out. Finally, when I had no more excuses of avoiding his gaze, I looked up to Spock's direct gaze.
"Look, that's pretty cool, but you really need to say what you want to say and. I just need to move on from... this. So if you could stick to the relevant parts, that would be great." Spock didn't flinch when my voice turned sarcastic. "I don't mean to sound like a drama queen or anything, but this has dragged on long enough." I finally made myself stop talking.
Spock took a deep breath, visibly composing himself. "I have come to the conclusion that any wish I have to find the verbal acuity needed to somehow excuse my actions is illogical."
Well, at least we agreed on something. I sat back in my chair and tried to keep from nervously tapping my leg.
"And yet I have found myself leaving the colony to search you out. I believe the colloquialism is I 'called in my last favor' with Admiral Pike. I have spoken with both my father and my counterpart in regards to what my actions have caused to happen, yet they have no advice on how to begin to apologize to you."
I blinked. Apologize. Really? "Why did you bond with me, then break it off like that? I mean, maybe I completely misread everything, Spock. I had to have done, because I couldn't actually believe what happened. I mean.. I always thought I was a pretty decent judge of character." I shoved a bite of food into my mouth, again using it as a prop to stop my stupid fucking mouth.
I looked up just in time to catch Spock's lowered gaze. "I was not aware that I had."
I nodded. I'd figured that out ages ago. That had helped, actually. Helped me not feel like I was completely worthless.
"In the history of Vulcan, there have been five cases of unintentional mind-linking with a potential mate. Five, Jim. None of those with a human."
"Sybok said that a mind-link was something like the end-all be-all of Vulcan need. that mind compatibility is more important to a Vulcan than ... well. Than anything."
"To some, yes."
"To some?" That didn't sound right. Sybok had been pretty damn certain. The looks he darted at T'Pring said how absolutely beyond blessed he felt to have found her. Again.
Spock tilted almost imperceptibly forward, a slight shift of his body that most people wouldn't notice. It was like a sigh on anyone else. "Mind compatibility is. I do not." Spock's lips tightened slightly.
Holy shit. This was better than a holovid. Seeing Spock this discombobulated was pretty fucking awesome.
Sometimes I really was not a very nice person. I'd be eating fucking popcorn if I wasn't so full. But still, some part of me must have felt sorry for him because I threw him a bone. "Okay. so you didn't know that we were linked. Have you ever studied the effects of a broken mind-link on the other party? You... it hurt, Spock. I didn't understand that part of what was so fucked up was that you had literally skull-fucked me. I mean... just because you're sorry about it, or you regret it or whatever doesn't change the fact that it happened. Sybok says that I was doing the mental equivalent of bleeding out."
"Kindly cease your mentions of my bro-." Spock's brows lowered just enough as he snapped out the order, biting off the end of the word. "I. I did not mean that."
"Huh. Bones was right. You do know how to lie."
Spock's shoulders curled in on himself. "You are. Correct. I find that I am less than... content with your repeated mention of my sibling."
I raised my eyebrows. Interesting. Rather than beat a dead horse, I changed the subject. "Okay, so what the fuck was up with the way you blindsided me? I mean, what. You can't break up like a normal person? You had to have your dad do it for you?"
"Jim. Again, my explanations have no immediate possibility of excusing my actions. Since my mother's death, my father is very ... adamant about the purity of his bloodline. He views Sybok's idiosyncrasies as a personal affront. You are well aware that until I chose to go to Starfleet Academy, I had never gone against my father's ideals. Often at the expense of my mother's wishes. He had doubts about your ... compatibility. That a union between two men would not have a chance of procreation. With our race so decimated..."
"You agreed."
Spock nodded once, jerkily. I stared down at my fork, my mind whirling. On Earth, we'd finally gotten to the point where for most of her citizens, being with the same sex wasn't seen as an issue. If two men or two women wanted a child, they could have one using many different methods of conception or medical technology. While I was aware of the stigma that some cultures still put on same-sex unions, but it never even occurred that Vulcans would be one of them, with all their beliefs of mental capability and cool logic.
So much for "Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations."
"So, you were... uncomfortable with your attraction to me?" I was trying to understand, honest. But it was baffling. That did make his insistence on finger kisses and chaste hugs make more sense though.
Spock opened his mouth. Thought for a second. Closed his mouth. "Yes."
"And then instead of just telling me, you what. Had your dad break up with me? Throw my past in my face? Kind of a dick move, man." I picked up my glass to chug the rest of my orange juice. That was an understatement.
"I do believe the dick move came later."
I choked on my orange juice.
Spock's lips twitched.
"Yeah. You could say that. So we're not going with the embarrassment reigns supreme and not mention the epic fucking?"
"You saved my life. There is nothing that I can do to repay you for that gift, Jim."
I completely had to bite my tongue to keep from snarking about gifts that keep on giving. So not what I was going for during this conversation.
"So, I take it you're okay with the ... uh." My mind stalled on the label. Gay? Bi? "fact your body wanted me of all people during your pon far?"
"I am."
I squinted. "And what, you're here to hope that I can just forget all the bullshit you put me through while you figured it out? Most people do that when they're teenagers, Spock!"
Spock's gaze fell to the table again. I could see the bright-green flush at the top of his ears. Oh Jesus fucking Christ. Something T'Pring said came back to punch me in the face. Vulcans who hadn't had their first mating cycle were considered teenagers, maturity-wise. Sure, that might be a little skewed with Spock's mixed heritage, but fucking hell. I leaned forward, burying my face in my hands. For me- I'd been in my first epic love affair. Fallen in love, and fallen so, so hard. For Spock? He was still trying to figure out who he was. Or at least he had been. "You know, and I fully understand the irony of this statement, a lot of this could have been avoided if you would have just told me what was going on."
"I am aware."
I stood up and cleared the table, sending everything to the recycler.
"I'm supposed to be at Bones and Ny's right now. To be honest... I need to think about this. I need to think about this a lot, Spock. Thank you for your explanations, but-"
"I do not have any expectation out of this conversation, Jim."
Oh. Okay. I blinked. I didn't know what my expectations were. I didn't know much of anything now. I mean, it was nice for us to hash this out, but now what?
Spock stood and I watched as he fought not to lean towards me. I took a rather obvious step back, and Spock snapped to his more familiar parade rest. "I have accepted a position teaching at Starfleet. If you would wish for any further communication, will you contact me?"
"I." Would I? I couldn't say for sure. "I don't know, Spock."
Spock nodded, as though he expected it. Maybe he had. "Please give my regards to Nyota." He very carefully didn't mention Bones, which was kind of hilarious when you thought about it.
"Okay. Will do." I rocked back on my toes, feeling weirdly energetic. I can't say what made me do it. Maybe it was cruel. Maybe it was just what I needed. But I reached over and hugged him, a quick brush of bodies that left his breath stuck in his throat and my own stupid heartbeat slamming against my ribs. "Goodbye, Spock."
He stood stiffly. I took the hint and let go, stepping back with a small smile. I could tell that he wasn't offended; just shocked. I suppose that made sense. He turned and left, his gait calm and smooth as you'd expect from someone like Spock.
But before the door shut completely, I heard the whispered, "Goodbye, my Jim."
Chapter 6Epilogue
[Transmission Request: Modified. ALL TRANSMISSIONS FROM S'CHN T'GAI SPOCK UNBLOCKED VIA USER REQUEST]
Transmission: Request. /1348752JM
To: S'chn T'gai Spock
From: James T. Kirk
Spock,
I never thanked you for the letters. I don't think I'd ever heard my mom talk like that, and it was neat to read my dad's responses, and your mother's responses. Weird to think that we almost knew each other before we knew each other, but whatever. I don't particularly want to know what you had to do to get them from your dad, but tell him I appreciate it.
Before you ask, Sybok and T'Pring had a baby boy. I wanted to name him Herman, but I think T'Pring was less than amused at my attempts at humor. Of course, I know she loves me. But I do understand where the whole matriarchal controversy thing comes from. Jeez. She can be scary when she wants to. I think my balls are still hiding from the look she gave me.
Bones says that your classes are probably the most filled at the Academy. I'm glad that you're doing well. I didn't think I would be, but I am. You've fixed the Kobayashi Maru, right? Or does my record still stand? ;)
Sorry for the complete inaneness of this comm. I know it's probably making your eyebrow twitch or something. But, I did want to mention that I'm going to be dirtside in a few months. I'm hoping in time for Jojo's birthday. Would you be interested in meeting me for dinner?
Jim