MAJOR SEASON 9 SPOILERS.
This has been floating around in my brain since watching 9.01. I don't know how I'm going to survive this season!
Callie comes home after shutting off Mark's life support.
"Even if you think you're prepared for what's about to happen, you're not. Your brain can't fully absorb what we're about to do."
Callie could still hear the shrill, unwavering beep of Mark's hospital monitor, which was ridiculous, given the fact that she was currently in their daughter's bedroom. Sofia slept soundly, blissfully unaware that she'd lost the most important man in her life only hours ago.
Guilt weighed heavily on Callie. The past three months had been a mess of catastrophic proportions, and there was no way that the ramifications could have escaped Sofia.
She lingered a little longer than usual at Sofia's bedroom door, unable to grasp the enormity of what had happened earlier that day. She wanted to shout to Arizona to keep an eye on Sofia as she popped across the hall to Mark's, as she'd done so many times in the past. But now there was no reason to make the short trip across the hall. No one on the other side of that door for her, or for Arizona, or for Sofia.
Out of habit, she made her way to the fridge to prepare dinner. Upon opening the door she stopped, slightly dazed by the bright light. She wasn't hungry. She wasn't anything. She was empty. She briefly thought about making food for her wife, but decided against it. It either remained untouched on the nightstand, or, if the blonde was having a particularly bad day, it was hurled at the wall.
Arizona's mood had been…unstable at best since the accident. Callie knew it was to be expected, but it didn't dull the ache at all. As much as she was going to miss her best friend, she already missed her wife more, and she was still physically there. There were moments, fleeting and elusive, when Arizona let Callie in. It was usually when the brunette mentioned Sofia. As lost as Arizona was, her love for their daughter was unwavering.
Suddenly eager to wash the day off, Callie quietly opened the bedroom door. She was met with an unmoving blonde figure; Arizona's eyes trained on the wall as Callie slipped past and into their bathroom.
0
Arizona Robbins had never thought of herself as a coward. Her father had raised her to be a 'strong man in a storm', and dealing with sick kids on a daily basis had steeled her nerves to withstand almost anything. Almost.
She was afraid to look at what remained of her leg. Hell, she was afraid to open her eyes most mornings. She was afraid that her daughter would grow up resenting her. She was alive and her dad was not. She was afraid to even try to get up. She was afraid to even try talking to Callie. She was afraid to fail. She felt this fear encompass most of her waking hours, save for the anger that sometimes bubbled over in the presence of her wife. But Arizona didn't need a shrink to figure it out. It was all fear.
She couldn't look at Callie as she passed into the bathroom. They'd not spoken since Callie came home, but Arizona knew that Mark was gone. She listened as the shower began, keeping her tears at bay until she was sure Callie couldn't hear her. Soon, however, her wife's pain could be heard over the noise of the rushing water. She knew Callie would have kept it together at the hospital and for their daughter, but behind the door of the secluded bathroom, Arizona listened as her wife finally fell apart.
0
Satisfied that she'd cried every tear that her body was capable of producing, Callie finally lifted herself from the floor of the shower stall and wrapped a towel around her body. She glanced into the mirror, and was met with dark, sad, bloodshot eyes. She barely cared; it wasn't like her wife was going to pay attention. Callie wasn't sure she wanted her too; she knew how fragile Arizona still was.
She hastily pulled on some sweatpants and a t-shirt before slipping quietly into their bedroom again. She noticed the blankets were pulled closer to Arizona's face, and Callie hoped the blonde had fallen asleep. She made her way through the apartment and into her daughter's bedroom, checking on her one last time before heading to bed. Sofia slept soundly even as Callie took one of her hands through the bars of her crib and kissed the soft, plump skin, silently promising herself that tomorrow she'd try harder for Sofia's sake.
0
Arizona's tears had subsided somewhat. She didn't need her wife seeing her pain when it was obvious that she was still so completely consumed by her own. Mark Sloan had been someone that she had never wanted as part of her life, but in recent months she'd found it impossible to imagine their family unit without him.
The bedroom door opened again, letting Arizona know that Callie was coming to bed.
"Do you need anything?" her wife asked softly before getting into bed. Arizona didn't answer. She didn't trust herself to. It was easier for Callie to just assume that she was asleep. She felt the bed dip slightly as her wife got in, silence permeating the room.
The silence was didn't last long. Within seconds Arizona could hear the shuddering breaths her wife was trying to control, and the near-silent sobs she was trying so hard to stifle. The sound nearly tore Arizona apart. Turning slightly, she reached towards Callie's side of the bed, grateful when she found her wife's hand.
"Callie…"
The brunette began to sob in earnest, her head resting next to Arizona's and clutching her hand for dear life. The blonde was glad that she was able to offer her wife some semblance of strength, even just for a moment. After a while Callie fell quiet, staying as close as Arizona was willing to let her.
"Thank you."
Arizona could only nod, keeping a hold of Callie's hand as they drifted to sleep. Tomorrow was a new day, and as much anger as she still held, and as terrified as she was, Arizona vowed to keep trying.