A/N: This isn't a Brittana story...it's not even wholly a Quinntana story and it's definitely not about Bram. When a relationship ends...it's a crazy time and you can either obsess about it or try to figure out who you are outside of that other person. Too many times the Brittana interaction was infantile and unhealthy. I'm exploring that growth process. I love the comments and the reviews...lets just keep having fun. :)
All That Matters [The Beautiful Life] (Ke$ha)
We had been driving for five hours and she had slept the entire time.
During the entire ride towards our first stop, my mind kept going back to my last interaction with Britt.
I know, I know what I said...I'm not hung up on her...I just feel bad?
Maybe I shouldn't have left like that?
But she didn't seem to care when she brought him...
She didn't seem to notice that I had real feelings for Q, even when I was telling her how I felt.
In fact...I don't think that she has ever cared as much as I have.
No one had...
"San?" She croaked out.
I jumped in surprise and the car swerved.
Five hours with the same questions and thoughts bouncing around had me on edge, so when she called out to me, I nearly drove us off the road.
"Shit!" I yelled before pulling off to the side of the road.
I needed a break.
To pee...to smoke...to do something other than sit there and think of Britt.
I was squatting over a bush and staring up at the moon, when I heard the crunching of leaves.
And then a flash of light nearly blinded me.
Seriously?
"What the fuck, Q?" I snarled.
She let out a beautiful laugh and I swear all that angst shit went away.
"That's going up on the wall!" She said as she slipped her phone back into her pocket.
"I can't believe you took a picture of me taking a piss...what are we five?"
She kept smiling as she handed me tissue and then turned her back so that I could take care of my business.
"I was just trying to make your smile come back."
"Well it didn't fucking work!"
My head was starting to hurt as I tossed the tissue into the bushes before standing up and yanking my pants back up.
When I looked up, she was handing me hand sanitizer.
How could I be mad at her when she was being so fucking domestic?
Right...I felt guilty for thinking about Britt.
But I shouldn't...Quinn was here and so I should be too.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
I didn't speak again until I climbed into the passenger seat of the car.
She didn't speak until we were out on the road.
I was cranky.
And she knew my moods almost as much as Britt...
Fucking Brittany.
Should I call her?
There was a heavy sigh as we sped down the highway.
I was getting on her nerves.
"Why are you sighing, Q?"
"Do you want to head back to Lima?"
I sat up and looked at her in shock.
"What? Why would I want to do that?"
"Because, I have been pretending to sleep for the last three hours so that I could not have to deal with the grunts that you kept making every time that I spoke to you."
"So?"
"You can't stop worrying about her..." Quinn had her thinking face on as she pressed down on the accelerator. "The exit is two miles away...tell me San...do we stop in Chicago for the night or do we turn around and go back to Lima? This is your chance to back out...I won't be mad."
Now that I was presented with the ability to go back to Lima...back to Brittany...all that worry disappeared.
That wasn't what I wanted.
There was nothing left for me in Lima.
Britt had said so herself and I agreed.
So what was my problem?
"Fuck it...lets go to Chicago...find a club and get wasted."
A grin spread across her face and it made me feel high.
Like I was floating.
It felt good to know that I made that happen.
She was hot.
We were in the middle of the dance floor, grinding on each other and making out.
The bass was pumping and my mind was crystal fucking clear, for once.
I had my eyes closed and was bouncing my head to the beat when I felt her palming my tits.
"Wanna get out of here?" She growled into my ear.
"Mmm...one more drink." I whispered.
"Okay...wait here...don't move."
I kept nodding as a Ke$ha song came on.
And when she came on...my mind went whipping back to Lima without my permission.
What would happen to Britt without me looking out for her?
It was true that Sam had slept with Quinn before he got together with Britt but something resulted from that...and he could have handled the situation better.
He could have hugged Quinn and apologized or even sympathized but he was a dick to her.
And this was the Trouty fucker that was now fucking my ex...
That bothered me.
I wanted Quinn to let what he said to her go because I have seen what happens to her when she gets hung up on the words of some douche...and I didn't want her to go back there...it still bothered me though.
Still made me want to kick his ass but he wasn't worthy.
There would be no satisfaction for me in hitting him.
We needed to be adults about this.
I was trying to grow up and take the high road.
And I wanted Quinn to do the same...even if I did want to skin him alive.
My fingers were reaching for my phone when I felt her arms coming around my body and a tumbler being shoved into my empty fingers.
Had she seen me?
Would she have cared?
"We can still go back...if you want? In the morning."
She came around to stand in front of me with watery eyes.
She knew.
And it did bother her.
I didn't want to be with Britt and now I hurt Quinn...again.
My heart broke to see her sad.
I shook my head.
"There's no going back for me, Q. I told you that I was with you and I meant it." I threw back my drink in one go and then wrapped an arm around her. I had to figure out how to juggle wanting to protect Britt and at the same time, still show Quinn how much I wanted to be with her...but how? "Lets get out of here, Q."
"All you had to do was ask." She growled.
And for the first time, that statement didn't get my engine going...it made my heart fall to my stomach.
But why?
Right...Brittany.
When we got outside the club, the cool air slapped me into a more conscious state.
All this shit was making me sick.
"Q?" I mumbled as we stumbled back to the motel room that we had rented across the road.
She clung to me and kept shushing me.
"San...please...just...let it happen."
I felt moisture on my face as we stumbled into our room and I collapsed across the bed.
The door closed and shoes were flung across the room just before I felt a body fall next to mine.
"I'm trying." I mumbled against the disgusting bedspreads.
I was probably going to catch something with my face pressed against them like this...but I didn't care.
Not really.
"You know what...fine...I'm going to make your night."
I didn't move but I was hyper aware of her moving off the bed and then the brightness of the room.
But it wasn't the over head lights...I turned my head and watched as she put the phone on the bed next to me.
It was ringing.
I had to squint my eyes to see what was going on.
How was she going to make my night?
"Hello?"
Britt.
My heart didn't race like it used to when I heard her voice...instead I felt like I was going to throw up.
"B?" I whispered.
"Hey! Where are you guys? Are you in California yet?"
She seemed...happy?
"No, B...we won't...uh...be there for a few more days."
"Oh." I heard rustling and then snoring.
Britt didn't snore.
"Are you busy?" I asked hoping that she wasn't with him.
"Just having a sleepover." She giggled.
"Oh...well, I can let you go."
"No...it's fine. Sugar is snoring so loud that I can't sleep anyway."
"Sugar?"
"Yea...I was sad earlier and so she came over and cheered me up with Disney movies and ice cream."
Here I was, worrying about Britt falling apart and she sounded just fine.
"So you are okay now?" Quinn asked out of the blue.
"Um...well not really but I will be. Santana says that you make her happy and that's hard for her to admit, so, I'm happy for her, I just need to get used to the idea of you two being together...even if you did slap Sam."
"Yea well...he deserved it." Quinn said with a chuckle.
She was definitely still a bit drunk.
Had to be...that usually would have pissed her off, then again, she was trying to prove a point.
"Did he hurt you?" Britt whispered.
Britt suddenly seemed hyper anxious about the answer to her question.
Suddenly this wasn't about me, it had turned into a conversation between them.
"He was just being a dick."
"Is this about you two having sex on Thanksgiving?"
In her normal astuteness, Britt had shown once again that she knew more than both of us had thought she did.
"I got pregnant and lost the baby...I was...just telling him." Quinn stuttered out.
There were tears in her eyes.
I turned on my side and brushed them away.
She rested against me and then took a deep breath.
"I'm sorry about that...he should have been nicer."
"How can you be with someone who is such a dick, B?" I blurted out.
There was a long silence.
At one point, I thought that she had even hung up.
Sugar snoring let me know that she was still there.
Quinn was being super still in my arms and either she really wanted to know...or she was feeling jealous.
Either way...she didn't move.
"People used to ask me the same thing about you. How could I be with someone who was such a bitch...but you should know by now...that stuff doesn't matter to me. I'm happy...he makes me happy and that's all that matters. Quinn makes you happy...and that's all that matters. He may not be my lobster love but right now, I'm happy and when I'm not...then I will deal with it...like you taught me. Okay?"
"Um...okay...I...you're such a genius, B." I whispered.
"Stop worrying about me...it's probably driving Quinn crazy."
Finally Quinn moved as she nodded her head.
I let out a dry laugh as a weight lifted from my chest.
Britt hung up almost immediately after we said goodbye.
And my next move was to cry.
Like sob...like a punk.
My whole body shook and I wanted to chalk it up to being intoxicated but I knew better and so did Quinn.
I thought that she would get mad about me crying but instead she wrapped her arms around me and rested her forehead against mine.
"I'm here...and it's going to be alright."
"I can't believe that I'm crying." I whined.
"This is relief...you finally feel like..." She stared at me and was about to finish...but I finished for her.
"Like I can let her go."
Her eyes crinkled up on the sides, as a smile took over her face.
I looked into her eyes and felt her touch and knew that she was right.
Finally the guilt was gone.
Britt would be fine, I needed to worry about me for once.
My focus needed to be on being happy and Quinn helped to make that happen.
She understood me and I got her...I needed to let it happen.
Stop being scared.
And finally move past the need to coddle Britt.
Things would work out how they were meant to.
Right now, I just needed to live and be happy.
No rules...just happiness and dreams.
I think that I could handle that.
"You make me happy, Quinn...never stop...please?"
"I don't ever want to stop."
She kissed my face and brushed my tears away.
"Good."
Just as I was drifting off to sleep...I heard her singing.
That Ke$ha song from earlier and this time...I didn't think of Britt.
And that felt amazing.
Instead I was able to focus on the words...and the message behind them.
All that mattered...was a beautiful life and letting love in.
No matter who I ended up with...I just needed to be happy.