AN: Sorry for the delays in updating. Just when life seems to be settling down it finds a way to turn everything upside down again. But, such is life, I guess. Hope everyone is doing well. Thank you as always to everyone who has supported this story and this journey.

Take care and enjoy.

CHAPTER 38

"I should go now quietly
For my bones have found a place
to lie down and sleep
Where all my layers can become reeds
All my limbs can become trees
All my children can become me
What at mess I leave
To follow."

Daughter - 'Smother'

CATHERINE POV

"Sara?"

Laura looks genuinely surprised, opening the door wider to let us through.

"Hey," Sara offers quietly, giving her mom a small, if not somewhat forced, smile.

"What…what are you doing here…"

"It's my house," Sara shrugs, tossing her keys on the desk. "Thought I'd sleep in it for once."

"I know it's your house…" Laura shakes her head. "Just…tonight…"

Laura takes a deep breath.

"I didn't expect you to be here tonight."

Sara's body is stiff, the brunette trying hard to remain calm and neutral, but I can see the tension in her thin frame.

"I don't think either of us should be alone tonight," Sara says so quietly she's almost whispering. "Do you?"

Laura studies Sara, the older woman's expression heavy with emotion.

"No," she whispers back. "I don't."

Nodding, Sara clears her throat, gesturing to the kitchen. "Alright then. Why don't Catherine and I figure out something for dinner?"

And, with that, we all distract ourselves with preparing dinner and settling in for the night. No one mentions the reason we're all here, making small talk instead about work, the weather, anything other than the past.

Even when we're eating, it's like everyone has decided to pretend the past didn't happen, that the anniversary of the worst day of their lives isn't today.

And, I don't really blame them.

Who am I to judge how they decide to get through this horrible day?

But, as night falls and I watch Sara sneak out of the house to smoke alone on the porch, I can't help but grieve for the two people who refuse to do so themselves.

"Do it!"

Jerking up in bed, I glance at the clock in Sara's bedroom, noting the time.

3:02 am.

"Just fucking do it!"

Heart racing, I cautiously step out from Sara's covers, opening the door to her bedroom and sneaking out towards the living room.

In the dim lighting, my eyes struggle to believe what they're seeing before me.

"What…"

My strangled word gets no attention, both occupants of the room failing to notice my presence. And, I clearly see why.

"Fucking do it!" Sara's mom screams again.

Sara's hand is shaking, and, much to my horror, so is the gun held tightly in her grip.

"What is…"

Again, my words fail to form, my body shocked practically into silence.

Seeing a flash of movement, I watch Laura shove Sara soundly in the chest.

"Do it!" she screams again desperately, her voice cracking. "End it!"

Sara's body is shaking violently, one hand gripping her mother's shirt, the other holding her service weapon to her mother's head.

"Please!" Sara's mother pleads, her words shifting from desperation to devastation.

"I can't keep living like this…" Laura begs, sobs wracking her body. "Every day…knowing what I did…I just want it to end…"

Laura grabs Sara's shirt.

"Please!" she sobs. "Please, Sara…just…do it…please…."

Sara is shaking so violently I don't know how she's even staying upright.

"Please, Sara…"

"No..."

For the first time, Sara's strangled voice joins the darkness.

"No…" she repeats, shaking her head. "Not like this."

"Sara, please…" Laura begs.

"You aren't going to take my father from me," Sara forces out through her own emotions. "And then take my mother from me as well."

Sara swallows tightly.

"I want to pull the trigger," Sara confesses. "For reasons I think we both know." She struggles to speak. "But, I'm not going to tarnish dad's memory like that."

Pushing away from her mother, Sara struggles to keep her finger off the trigger.

"We both owe him better."

Now without the support of Sara's hands, Laura's body crumples to the ground, her whole form shaking in deep, wrenching sobs.

"I'm sorry," she sobs into her hands. "I'm so sorry…."

Continuing to wail out apologies, Sara backs away from her mother, running her own shaking hand through her hair.

No longer able to take the scene in front of her, she turns, throwing open the back door and disappearing outside.

Glancing at Laura, seeing her sobs continue to wrack her body as she mumbles out endless apologies, to whom I don't know, I waste no time and quickly follow after Sara.

"Sara," I cautiously call out, seeing the brunette standing by a back corner of the house. "Honey…"

I have no clue what transpired between Sara and her mother after I fell asleep. Last I remember, Sara was silently reading while she let me use her bed to get some rest. Laura had gone to her own room to settle in for the evening.

Everyone had seemed calm, controlled.

I have no idea what transpired to turn the events so violently around.

Moving closer, I call out to Sara again.

The brunette looks like she hasn't heard me, pacing back and forth in tight, short lines.

"Sara…"

Still, no acknowledgement.

Then, without warning, Sara suddenly turns, slamming her fist into the side of the house.

"Sara!"

Repeating the motion, Sara hits the house again with all her strength.

She gets in another two hits before I'm able to reach her, grabbing her around the waist and pulling her back.

"Sara, stop!"

Struggling against me, I'm forced to grab her tighter, practically lifting her up as I continue to drag her away and further into the yard.

"Sara!"

Pushing out with her arms and legs, I readjust my position until I have my arms wrapped around her torso, trapping her arms at her side.

"Stop!" I yell out. "Now!"

Sara's struggles continue, the brunette seeming like she's acting out of reflex, her body not taking in what's happening.

"Sara, relax," I call out, keeping my grip on her firm. "Sweetheart, it's me…"

Shaking and struggling, I thank God I have a firm grip on her when I feel her legs give out.

"Alright," I call softly. "I got you…"

Lowering us towards the ground, I stay on my knees.

"Relax, Sara," I keep trying, hoping my voice makes it through the raged panic she seems to be trapped in. "Relax for me, honey…please…."

Her struggles diminish slightly, her body trembling severely.

"That's it, Sara, I got you…just relax…"

Slowly, Sara stops trying to push me away, her body instead shaking and weak.

"I got you, Sara," I repeat, whispering the words into the dark hair at the top of her head. "You're okay…"

Holding her, only the sounds of our heavy breathing fill the night.

"I should've done it…"

Quirking my head, I hold her tighter.

"What?" I question, wondering if I heard her correctly.

"I should've done it…" she mutters. "Finally ended it for us both…"

"Sara," I cut in tightly. "Stop. Don't say things like that."

"I mean it."

And, I can hear from the tone in her voice that she does, in fact, mean it.

It sends chills through my body.

"Sara…"

"I'm sorry," she offers quietly.

Looking down, she studies the gun I realize for the first time is still in her hand.

"Sara, stop," I practically beg her. I don't want to hear this, any of this.

"Sara," I call, moving slightly to take her hand in mine. "Let go."

To be honest, she's scaring me. The dead, empty tone to her voice. The far off gaze in her normally expressive eyes.

"Let go of the gun, Sara."

My heart races as, instead of letting go, she moves her finger to the trigger.

"Sara," I grind out, eyes wide. "Give me the gun. Now."

She continues to stare off, finger running back and forth over the trigger.

Raising the gun slowly, she starts to bring it upwards.

"Sara," I warn, eyes wide.

Bringing it upwards, she stops just millimeters from her head.

She holds it there in silence.

Then, without a word, she flicks the safety on with her finger.

Grabbing the gun from her, I immediately secure it and place it along my own hip.

"Jesus, Sara," I breathe out, eyes still wide in panic. "What the hell are you playing at…"

Sara doesn't respond, her eyes once again unfocused and far away.

Looking down, I see her other hand is dripping blood onto her jeans, the appendage folded awkwardly against her body.

"Come on," I call, reestablishing my grip on her. "Let's get you up."

Holding her tightly, I lift her to her feet.

Supporting most of her weight, Sara still seems in a daze as I all but carry her towards the house. Stopping, I think about the situation, making a change in plans as I figure right now keeping Sara and Laura separate is in everyone's best interest.

Moving Sara around to the front of the house, I open the tailgate of the Tahoe. Sitting Sara on the bumper, I pull out my cell.

After one ring, the owner answers.

"I need help."

"Catherine…"

Hearing Claire's footsteps make their way up the drive, I turn to face her, my free hand remaining on Sara's shoulder to be sure the brunette isn't going anywhere without me knowing.

"What happened?" Claire asks worriedly, nervous eyes looking over the silent figure behind me.

"Thanks for coming."

I didn't know who else to call, honestly. I couldn't call someone from work, as that would definitely get Sara knocked out of active duty for a while. My mother was absolutely out of the question given her and Sara's very tumultuous relationship.

Claire came to mind as a neutral party who I think genuinely has Sara's best interests at heart.

Someone who could keep this matter private.

"Catherine…" Claire repeats, eyes still fixed on Sara. "What happened?"

"She…"

I trail off, not knowing exactly how to explain this night to Claire. I don't know how much she knows about Sara's past.

"She had an argument," I breathe out, steadying myself. "With her mother."

Claire's eyes shoot to mine.

"Her mother's free?"

So, I take it Claire at least knows a decent amount regarding Sara's past to have known where her mother was. And, judging by the panicked look on Claire's face, she also knows why her mother was there.

"And today…" Claire trails off, eyes shifting between Sara, I, and the house. "The anniversary…"

I nod, glad Claire knows enough about Sara's past to somewhat understand the events of tonight, the significance of this all.

"Jesus, Sara," Claire breathes out, looking Sara over and stopping at Sara's hand. "God, what did you do to yourself…"

Reaching over, Claire watches Sara cautiously as she takes the brunette's hand gently in her own. Moving Sara's fingers slightly, she immediately stops when Sara flinches.

Seeing Sara's eyes are still vacant despite her body's natural reaction to the pain, Claire's eyes shift back to mine.

"What can I do to help?"

"I need to keep her and her mother separate tonight. And, as much as I really don't want to leave Sara right now, I think I need to stay with Laura as no one else really knows Sara's mom or what's going on."

Claire looks back towards Sara.

"And you want me to keep an eye on Sara."

"If that's alright," I broach, watching Claire closely.

Claire abandoned Sara once before because she couldn't handle Sara in some of her darkest days. This day, this nightmare, probably ranks right up there as one of Sara's darkest, and I need to know Claire isn't going to back out.

But, watching her expression, I see no sign of her giving in or running away from this. In fact, she looks determined.

"She may not be too happy when she becomes aware enough to know who she's with," Claire warns, eyes continuing to assess the brunette's vacant expression. "We haven't spoken at all since she told me she was with you."

"She'll get over it," I offer, trying to keep my own determination regarding this semi-crazy plan. "Especially when the alternative was our boss or the hospital, both options ones I know I should have pursued. But…"

"But it's Sara," Claire offers. "And she would've hated it."

"I just need to keep her safe for tonight," I state with a deep breath. "The rest I'll deal with tomorrow."

Claire nods, moving slightly to hesitantly run her hand softly down Sara's sharply angled cheekbone. Running her hand lower, she moves it across Sara's t-shirt towards the brunette's waist.

Watching her actions closely, I see Claire run her hand gently across Sara's hip.

Closing her eyes briefly, Claire swallows.

"How…" Clearing her throat, Claire opens her eyes and tries again. "How's she been?"

Furrowing my brows slightly, Claire sees my expression.

"Her seizures? Her recovery?"

Hand still at Sara's side, Claire runs her thumb gently across the material of Sara's shirt before pulling away.

"She…" Again, Claire has to clear her throat against the emotions pulling at her voice. "I haven't seen her since that night on her porch. She looks terrible, Catherine."

Her eyes raise to mine, and I can see the pain there. The concern.

"I don't think I've ever seen her this thin. And, for Sara, that says a lot."

It really does say a lot. Sara's had some rough patches, some tough cases and hard times at work that have taken a lot out of the brunette. There have been times when she's gone multiple days without sleep, without food. She's been known to lose weight on particularly difficult cases, neglecting herself while all her focus is on solving the case for the victim.

But, I agree with Claire, I've never seen Sara this bad off.

And, part of me feels guilty. I know it's ridiculous, but part of me feels like Sara should have been doing better with her recovery with me around. That I should've been able to help the brunette to the point where she's now improving.

But, if anything, in the time we've gotten together she only seems to keep deteriorating right in front of me.

So far, I've been completely unable to help her.

"I'm sorry," Claire offers quietly, eyes on me when I look up. "I didn't mean…I just…"

"No," I shake my head, giving her arm a reassuring squeeze. "I agree with you. I…"

I take a deep breath in, fighting against the moisture in my eyes.

"I just don't know how to help her."

The confession hangs between us, the words something I think I've been holding back for a while now.

Something I've been thinking in the dark hours of the night when I think about Sara's weekly meetings with Hannah and the nurse's continued frustration at Sara's steady weight loss. When I think about Sara's pain pills locked away unused in her locker at work. When I think about Sara's hands clenching at her side at least once every shift as she fights through the pain.

When I think about my own observations of all of the above but my decisions to often close my eyes to what I'm seeing. To try to turn a blind eye so that I'm not always lecturing Sara or pushing her away by calling her on her actions.

I'm so afraid of alienating Sara most times that I back off when I should instead be pushing.

"Sara's not easy to help," Claire offers quietly, interrupting my thoughts and sending me a supportive look. "She's stubborn, resistant to any type of help, secretive about her problems…"

Claire takes a deep breath.

"She pushes anyone who tries to take care of her as far away as possible."

Looking up at me, Claire fixes our gazes.

"Don't be the idiot I was Catherine and let her succeed."

Swallowing, I slowly nod, letting Claire's words echo through my conscious.

I want a life with Sara. And, that starts with being sure Sara's there to live it with me.

Mind involuntarily flashing back to images of Sara's gun lifting towards her head not even an hour ago, I swallow the bile in my throat.

I need to stop pretending like Sara's issues are under control. That the brunette has everything handled like she's worked so hard to convince me of.

I need to see things for what they really are and deal with them accordingly.

Sara may be stubborn and headstrong.

But, she isn't the only one.

Things from now on are going to be different.

Very different.

Sara can hate me all she wants, but it's time I returned the favor the brunette offered me under the hands of those torturous bastards. It's time I protected her and gave her back her own life.

Before it's too late.

AN: Thanks for reading.