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CHAPTER 41

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."

-Ephesians 4:2

CATHERINE POV

Yes.

Yes, she kissed her.

The word hangs between us, the silence so thick it's like I can almost feel it wrapping around my body.

"I…"

Sara shakes her head, unable to finish the statement.

Clearing her throat, she swallows tightly.

"I'm sorry."

I look up at her, studying her dark features, her tormented eyes.

I study the woman I thought I trusted.

"Why?"

She looks slightly uncertain.

"Not why are you sorry," I laugh angrily. "That's pretty self-explanatory."

I fix her with a look.

"Why did you kiss her?"

I can see her starting to pull away, emotionally and physically.

"No," I reach out, grabbing her arm and pulling her back around to face me. "You owe me an answer, Sara."

She can't go around kissing her ex-girlfriends without some sort of explanation.

"I wanted…" she tries again. "I wanted to push you away."

That answer throws me. I'd expected something about her having a 'moment of weakness' or realizing she wasn't as over Claire as she thought she was.

"I wanted this, Catherine," she says quietly, gesturing between us, eyes moving to my hand clenching her arm in anger.

Immediately, I let go of her.

"Why?" I whisper out, still not understanding.

"You weren't even supposed to know about my mother," she states. "About my past, her past."

She shakes her head, "You weren't even supposed to know she existed. But there you were that night, alone with her, taking care of her."

Sara's jaw tightens. "It was the worst possible outcome of everything that I'd hoped to avoid."

"So you, what?" I ask, trying to keep up with her logic. "You decided to try to screw me over?"

"I decided to do what it took to push you away and out of my life. Out of whatever sense of obligation you felt to take care of my mother because of me."

She finally meets my eyes.

"That wasn't the life you should be living. Caring for your girlfriend's mentally unstable mother who murdered her father. It was everything I never wanted to happen."

"Then what?" I question. "Clearly you didn't continue with your plan of pushing me away," I state, gesturing back towards the house where Sara and I nearly just had sex with one another.

"Unless that was part of your plot against me as well…"

Sara shakes her head, eyes pained.

"No, Catherine," she breathes out. "God no. I would never…"

I laugh, "Sorry, it's a little hard to keep up with where the limits of your deceitfulness lay."

Sara lowers her head darkly, hurt clear to read in her posture.

"Sara…"

"No," she cuts off my apology. "It was a fair statement."

Taking a deep breath, she raises her eyes back up to mine.

"What happened, Catherine, was I kissed Claire. And I realized that I felt absolutely nothing kissing her. This woman who I had loved for a large portion of my life, I felt nothing kissing her. And it was because of you."

She runs a hand through her tousled hair. "I love you more than I can explain. More than I've ever loved anyone. More than I will ever probably be able to love anyone else again." Her eyes bore into mine. "So, I decided to be selfish and let you decide for yourself whether this life with me, the crap with my mother, whether it was too much for you."

I study her, arms crossed defensively over my chest.

"You decided to let me be the adult I am, and choose for myself what I want out of my life."

Sara forces herself to keep her eyes on mine at my angry tone.

"Yes."

"Why didn't you tell me about the kiss with Claire?"

Sara shakes her head. "Didn't think you would respond too well about my plan to self-destruct our relationship."

I let out a long breath, finally uncrossing my arms. "No," I breathe out with a slight smile. "I wouldn't have. Clearly."

"I'm sorry, Catherine," Sara says quietly. "I really am."

Reaching forward, I grip her upper arms in my hands, this time keeping my hold firm but gentle.

"Sara, I know you have trust issues a mile wide. I knew that when I decided to pursue this relationship with you." I use one of my hands to reach out and tip her jaw back towards me when she starts to turn away. "I respect the reasons that you hesitate to get close to people, I understand the things in your life that made you that way."

I breathe out. "But, honey, if we're going to work you need to trust me. And, part of that is trusting me to not only take care of your heart, but my own as well. I've been through too many crappy relationships to put myself through hell like that again."

"All this stuff with your mom," I continue. "I do it because I want to, because I choose to. Not because I feel like I have to because we're together."

I hold her firmly, locking our gazes.

"Sara, I love you. I love you so, so much." I swallow against the emotion in my throat. "I would do anything for you, sweetheart, and I know you would do the same."

Reaching down, I absently run my thumb over the scar from the bullet hole in her shoulder. "You have already done the same."

Leaning in, I gently place my lips against hers, kissing her softly.

"I know what I'm doing here, Sara," I tell her sincerely, lips hovering above hers. "I know I want a life with you. And, that includes your crazy mother."

Smiling, I pull back slightly.

"Just like for you that includes my crazy mother. Which," I shrug, "is probably a lot worse than your own mother, to be honest."

Sara shakes her head, her features for the first time lightening just a little.

"Are you sure?" she asks me seriously. "It's not a small thing, Catherine. My mother is…"

Sara trails off, knowing I understand what she's inferring.

Leaning in, I kiss her again, this time much deeper.

Pulling back, we're both out of breath.

"I'm sure."

"Babe, you okay?"

Sara startles in surprise when I take her hand, jerking her arm away.

"Shit," she mumbles, taking a steadying breath. "I'm sorry…"

"It's fine," I tell her, gently reaching back out slowly to take her hand in mine, this time my movements predictable as to not catch her off guard.

She laces her fingers through my own.

"You alright?" I ask her again gently.

If her startled reaction to my touch just moments before was answer enough, I'd say she's far from alright.

"I'm fine," she predictably answers, however.

This is Sara, after all. The queen of putting on a brave face and hiding anything she perceives as weakness.

I don't push her, simply holding her hand tighter and running what I hope are soothing circles across her knuckles with my thumb.

As the door opens, Sara immediately gets to her feet.

Removing my hand from hers as I stand, I instead place it gently along the small of her back.

Slowly moving forward, Sara approaches the woman standing in the doorway, while still keeping her distance as she stops.

"Sara?" Laura calls out in surprise. "I didn't expect to see you here…"

She makes what looks like a move to hug Sara, but the brunette backs up tensely.

Nodding in understanding, Laura covers her emotions with a smile.

"Hello, Catherine. You girls didn't have to come all this way."

"Thought you might need a ride," Sara answers, voice hard to read. "Heard you were checking back out today."

Laura nods, glancing around as she holds her few possessions she brought with her tightly.

"Sara…"

"No," Sara cuts her off quietly. "Let's just get you home, okay?"

Laura smiles sadly.

"Okay."

"Hey."

The whispered word draws my eyes upward, taking in the figure standing in the living room doorway.

"Hey," I whisper back.

"She asleep?"

"Yeah," I respond, wrapping my arm tighter around Sara's hip while the other one continues to run soothing patterns through her dark hair. "She hasn't been sleeping very well lately."

Laura nods, her expression almost pained as she looks down at us.

I'm struck by the realization that it wasn't long ago that our positions were switched. Me walking in on her while she held Sara asleep on the porch.

"It was nice of you to give me a ride home today," Laura says, continuing our hushed conversation as she perches herself along the edge of the coffee table. "I wasn't expecting anything like that."

"It wasn't a big deal."

I hope my words sound convincing. After all, it was actually a rather big deal when Sara and I had the conversation regarding picking her mother up.

Sara has a lot of pent up emotions when it comes to her mother, and even a seemingly simple gesture of offering a ride is something that Sara and I debated about.

For a long time.

My eyes dart back down when Sara makes a slight moan, body tensing in my arms.

"Shh," I call out soothingly. "You're okay, sweetheart. Everything's okay."

Sara's expression is still tense, brows furrowed, but she seems to quiet somewhat.

"God, what have I done to you?"

My eyes lift in confusion and surprise, taking in Laura's lost expression as she watches Sara.

"Laura?"

Sara's mom remains silent, simply watching her daughter with pain in her eyes.

"She never had nightmares as a child," Laura suddenly confesses. "She used to sleep so soundly through the night it was hard to wake her come morning."

Laura shakes her head.

"When I stayed here, I heard her almost every night up wandering the house because she couldn't sleep. Or, the nights she would try to sleep, I'd hear her screaming from her nightmares."

Her eyes raise to mine.

"It doesn't take a genius to figure out why her nights are no longer peaceful."

"Laura," I state quietly but firmly. "You need to stop doing this. If you and her are ever going to move forward, you can't keep living in the past. What happened happened. There's no going back."

"But," I call, holding Sara tight, "There's no going forward either until you accept that and move on."

Placing a gentle kiss into Sara's hair as she starts to mumble something in her sleep, I return my eyes back up to Laura.

"Sara doesn't need a repeat of the other night," I caution darkly. "She doesn't need your guilt trip, your depressed rants, your tearful begging for her to end your life."

I shake my head. "I'm not trying to be cold, but what Sara needs is her mother. Her mother who has made mistakes in the past, terrible mistakes, but ones that she's now moving on from so that she can go forward."

Laura watches me, eyes moving from between Sara and I.

"I don't know if I can move on," she confesses in a whisper. "Every time I see her…she's so much like him…"

"You better find a way." I don't waste my time mincing words.

Holding Sara's hands gently against her chest as she starts to try to push out, I wait until she calms back down before turning back to Laura.

"I love your daughter," I tell her boldly. "I love her more than I can express. I don't like seeing her hurt."

"Neither do I."

The whispered words reach me clearly, Laura and my own eyes both moving back towards the person we know we can't live without.

"Stop…get…"

Sara's struggles renew, her body no longer responding to my attempts to keep her settled.

"Sara."

Grabbing her arm as it strikes out, I restrain the limb back against her chest.

Now kicking her legs out, I hold her tightly.

"Sara, wake up."

Leaning down, I place my lips against her ear.

"Wake up, honey."

Sara's body tenses, her eyes snapping open before blinking against the light coming through the livingroom window.

"Cath?" she questions, trying to gather her bearings.

"You're okay, Sar," I offer gently. "Everything's fine."

"Shit," she breathes out, letting a long, shaky breath out from between her teeth. "I had another one, didn't I?"

"Yes," I confirm, wrapping my arms tighter around her when she moves to sit up. "Stay."

"Cath…"

"You need to try to sleep, Sara," I tell her seriously. "You've been up for days. And I know you haven't been sleeping well lately. Not to mention tonight."

"Cath…"

"Don't argue with me, Sara. You need rest. I'm going to lay here with you until you at least get a couple solid hours."

"I hope you didn't make plans for this week."

"Very funny."

"Look, Catherine," Sara tries again, turning as far as she can in my restraining embrace. "I'd feel much better if I knew I wasn't keeping you up or worse."

"Or worse?"

"I know I get…violent…in my sleep…when…"

"I can handle you, Sidle," I tell her with a gentle smile. "You're worse when you're awake."

Sara shakes her head, unable to keep the snort from making its way out.

"Flattery will get you nowhere, woman," she offers sarcastically.

"Darn," I smile, brushing my lips along her temple. "I was hoping it would."

"Oh yeah?" she questions, turning slightly more so that her head angles upwards enough for her to place her own lips against my neck. "And what exactly were you hoping it would get you?"

Lowering my head, my lips brush against hers. "I can think of a few things."

Sara smiles against me, "So can I."

"Damn it, Sara," I mutter, trying to keep the laughter out of my voice. "I'm not letting you distract me from my mission."

Sara laughs lightly. "Okay."

Her body, however, tells another story as her lips move down to place gentle, tingling kisses near my collarbone.

"Sara!"

Sara only laughs, bringing her head up to smile at me mischievously.

"Damn it," I mutter, moving to give into the temptation of engaging her in a proper kiss.

She smiles against me, our tongues soon dueling for dominance.

I think I'm successfully distracted.

"Are we okay?"

I turn, fastening my gun tightly to my hip.

I must look a little surprised at the question, inspiring Sara to nervously tuck her hands into her jeans pockets near the locker room door.

"Sorry," she offers. "I know you just got on shift…it's just, I just got called out to a scene, so I have to go…but this morning…I had to leave…you were asleep…so we didn't get a chance to follow-up from our conversation…about Claire…"

Smiling at the otherwise quiet woman's tendency to ramble when she's nervous, I move closer.

"We're okay, Sara."

Judging by our heated make-out session last night on her couch, I'd dare say we're more than okay.

She studies me, looking like she's trying to discern if I'm just placating her.

"Really, Sar. I promise."

Taking a deep breath she nods, standing to her full height and checking her own gun at her hip.

"I'll, uh, see you later tonight then?"

"Yes," I confirm with a smile. "You definitely will."

Sara smiles back, turning around as she reaches for the door.

"Be safe tonight," she offers.

"You too."

Nodding, she gives me one last look before leaving to head to her scene.

Glancing down at my phone, I quickly enter an address into my navigation program. Saving the search result for later, I head out so I can get a start on my own shift that lays ahead.

Tucking my phone back in my pocket, I'm excited about seeing Sara tonight.

Only one small thing to take care of first, however.

One small thing located at the address currently burning a hole in my pocket.

Smiling slightly, I push my way through the lab doors and out into the sunlight.

AN: Thanks for reading.