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CHAPTER 42

"It is impossible to go through life without trust: that is to be imprisoned in the worst cell of all, oneself."

-Graham Greene

CATHERINE POV

The moment she steps out from the back room, her face falls.

"Catherine, this is my workplace."

"I realize that," I shrug. "I also realize I have a few things to say to you."

"Here?" Claire shakes her head, trying to keep her voice low. "This is inappropriate."

"Maybe," I agree. "But so was your showing up at Sara's house the other night."

"I told you I was done," Claire bites, tone now morphing from hushed to angry. "That I never wanted to see you all again, and I meant it."

"Forgive me," I step closer, heels echoing across the art gallery. "But I heard you say that once before as well. Then, a short time later, there you were in our faces."

"Sara kissed me, Catherine," Claire crosses her arms over her chest. "What did you want me to do?"

"Sara and I have talked," I cut her off before she can proceed further, try to start more drama. "We're over the kiss, Claire. What I'm here to be sure about, is that you stay true to your word this time to stay out of our life."

"Why?" she questions, mouth sliding slowly into a smirk. "Don't trust Sara with me around?"

"I trust Sara with my whole heart," I answer honestly. "I don't trust you with Sara around."

Having fallen in love with the brunette myself, I know how absolutely addicting she can be. How her presence, once in your life, is a damn hard thing to walk away from.

I don't feel much sympathy for Claire, but I do feel sympathetic to her current position. I think she's finally come to realize what she left behind, and is now in the stages of regretting that decision. But, I won't have any more nonsense regarding her trying to win Sara back.

She lost Sara the moment she broke up with the brunette and walked away from their life together.

"So what's your plan, Catherine?" Claire cuts into my thoughts. "You come here and what? Threaten me? Tell me to stay out of your lives 'or else'?"

"Somewhat," I shrug, turning to take in her gallery. "This is a beautiful place you have here."

Claire seems puzzled by my change of topic, looking at me through narrowed eyes.

"It would be a shame if anyone found out your permits are bogus."

Immediately, Claire pales, lips pressed into a tight line.

"You lie a lot," I offer as a casual observation, running my fingers slowly across the marble counter in front of me. "Your personal life, your professional life."

Glancing up, I take in her fuming expression.

"I'm not here to blackmail you, Claire. Just to inform you that the more I learn about you, the more convinced I am that you have no place in Sara's life."

I tap my fingers along the cold, hard surface.

"I told you in the diner all those weeks ago that I thought you should still be friends with Sara, that it would be good for her."

I pierce my gaze into hers.

"I came to officially retract that offer."

Looking her up and down, my head shakes in disgust. "Sara doesn't need anyone like you in her life. Not ever. But, especially not now. She has enough going on without your deceitful, self-serving agenda."

"And if I don't stay away," Claire bites out through clenched teeth. "You what? Rat me out regarding my permits?"

I shrug.

"I guess you would just have to find out."

Giving the marble counter a final pat, I step back, heels clicking sharply against the polished wooden flooring as I make my way to the door.

"Oh, and Claire?"

She turns darkly, eyes meeting with mine.

"We both know you kissed Sara first that night."

Claire doesn't respond, but her tight swallow gives her away.

"Sara is an opportunist," I offer. "But she isn't malicious."

I open the door.

"Not like you."

With that, I'm gone.

"Hey," Sara offers quickly, pushing herself up to a sitting position, eyes blinking against the muted lighting. "God, what time is it?"

"Don't worry," I tell her, trying not to smile at having caught the normally insomniac woman napping. "I'm early."

Sara glances at the clock, then at me.

Taking in my body language, her brows furrow, "You okay, Catherine?"

Her concerned voice draws me closer, and I'm sitting next to her on the couch before I know I'm moving.

Reaching forward, I trace her lips lightly.

"Catherine?" she whispers out again.

My thumb moves gently across her cheekbone. Then, slowly, it traces along the scar in her brow.

Eyes lowering, my touch returns to her lips, moving gently across the scar in her bottom lip.

"Cath…"

"I love you."

I'm done worrying about Claire. About any of these distractions that seem to keep coming between Sara and I.

No more.

We've been through too much, too many things trying to take us away from one another.

I finally have Sara in my life, and I'm going to cherish every moment I'm blessed enough to have with this amazing woman.

I've seen too much, experienced too much, to ever take a moment with her for granted.

The faint scars beneath my fingertips are an ever present reminder of that simple truth.

I came so close to losing her.

My behavior seems to catch her off guard, her hands reaching up to gently take mine into her own after a hesitant pause.

"Catherine," she tries again, voice worried. "What's wrong?"

"I love you so much."

I claim her lips with mine.

Kissing her gently, we're both breathless when I pull away.

Looking into my eyes, Sara searches them for something before reaching forward, gently pushing some hair back from my face.

Then, she leans in, this time being the one initiating the kiss.

Her hands lose themselves in my hair as the kiss deepens.

I don't realize I've straddled her hips until she stands, taking me with her.

Slowly, we move backwards, bodies traveling together wordlessly to the bedroom.

As Sara's legs hit the bed, we both slowly pull back from the kiss.

"Your mom?"

"Out."

Looking into her eyes, I let her read the intentions in my own.

Taking in a shallow breath, Sara nods almost imperceptivity.

Then, reaching forward, she places her hands along the bottom of my shirt, letting her own intentions be known.

Smiling gently, I hold her shoulders as she slowly pulls my shirt up and over my head.

My pants follow, her eyes moving across my skin, her breathing slow and shallow.

As my undergarments join the rest of my clothes on the floor, she runs her fingers slowly across my temple, tucking my hair behind my ears.

"You are so beautiful," she whispers out, voice reverent, leaning in to kiss me deeply.

When we pull away, I smile gently at her, taking in this kind, respectful woman that I have fallen so deeply in love with.

Moving slowly, I take her own shirt in my hands, watching her eyes as I move it up her body and over her head.

Discarding it with mine, I run my fingers down her arms, watching her skin react to my touch.

Moving lower, I trace my fingers along her hips as they make their way to the front of her jeans.

Carefully unclasping her belt, I leave it hanging loosely along her hips as I unbutton her pants.

Sliding the zipper down, I watch her closely.

Without a word, she leans in, kissing me again gently, giving me the permission that I seek.

Sliding her jeans down her legs, they soon join the growing pile of clothing on the floor.

I take her bra in my hands.

"I love you," I tell her again, wishing there were words more adequate to express how I feel towards her.

Even as deep and meaningful as 'I love you' is, it doesn't come close to addressing what Sara means to me. How absolutely precious she is to me.

Removing her undergarments slowly, I take her hands gently in mine, intertwining our fingers.

My eyes take in the sight before me, and I shake my head.

"You have no idea how gorgeous you are," I breathe out, my mouth having a hard time forming cohesive words.

Placing my hands along her hips, my fingers slowly trail upwards across her skin. I can feel her lean muscles reflexively contracting along the path of my hands.

I take her face gently in my hands, our lips meeting again.

When Sara's kisses start to trial downward across my neck, I feel my breathing hitch.

When she moves to my collarbone, my legs all but give out.

Pushing back slightly against her body, Sara's legs make contact with the bed.

I continue pushing until she falls backwards, my own body following hers.

Placing myself atop her hips, I look down at her.

This is the point of no return.

Either we cross this threshold or we need to immediately stop what we're doing before we lose control.

Holding her gaze with my own, I give us both time to speak up with any reservations.

Her mouth is shut in a tight line, her dark features determined.

I take in a deep breath, trying to settle the emotions rising within me.

This is it.

Gently, I take her hand.

"Relax," I soothe her, knowing her well enough to know that no matter what she's feeling inside, she's always going to try to appear tough and in control. "Trust me?"

Sara's eyes shift a touch away from mine before she returns her gaze to my own, her breathing slightly shallow.

Nodding, she runs her hands along my back, swallowing tightly.

I reach over, placing my own hand along her chest, feeling her heart hammering beneath my palm.

Leaning forward, I gently press my lips against her temple.

"I won't hurt you," I promise softly. "You're safe, Sara."

Sara lifts her head, angling herself to meet her lips with mine.

When we pull back, I study her eyes.

For the first time since we met, all those years ago, she lets me see completely through her walls.

I see all of her.

I see her emotions without any censorship– her fear, her excitement, her love.

Her trust.

Feeling the moisture in my own eyes, I kiss her deeply.

"Thank you," I whisper against her skin.

While my lips continue placing gentle kisses along her neck, my hand moves slowly down her chest, down her torso, coming to a stop between her legs.

Kissing her softly, my fingers enter inside her.

Feeling her breathing hitch, I keep my movements gentle, feeling our bodies adjusting to one another until it feels like we're one.

Slowly moving my fingers inside her, I watch her expression.

Quickening my pace, my movements are firm but gentle, her breathing all but stopping as her hands clench tightly at the bed sheets.

I don't think I've ever seen anything as beautiful as she is in the moment that she finally climaxes.

Her body, her love, her trust, all of it is totally surrendered to me.

I've never been so happy, so complete, in all my life.

Placing myself down next to her, I let out a deep breath, small puffs of steam making themselves visible in the cool morning air.

"You okay?"

Sara looks over, sending me a soft smile.

"Of course," she offers, reaching out to squeeze my hand as she exhales smoke from her cigarette away from me. "Just thinking."

"I missed you in bed when I woke up."

Sara nods slowly, letting out a small breath of her own, her gaze on the yard extending beyond her porch where we now sit.

"I know…"

Her voice trails away, her eyes heavy as she absently puts out her cigarette into the ashtray beside her.

"I'm sorry," she tells me quietly, sincerely. "I just…"

She doesn't finish her statement, a silence now filling the space between us.

"Do you regret what we did?"

My question is barely able to make its way past my lips.

I know last night was one of the best nights of my life. The complete surrender of our bodies to one another, the hours of mutual pleasure, the unhindered trust and love.

The way she touched me, the respectful reverence of her lovemaking, her gentle and devoted focus on me and my desires every time I climaxed by her own ministrations.

I feel completely honored and blessed to have fallen for someone so caring. I see last night as confirmation of what I've somehow known all along.

Sara is my soulmate. It's her. The one person in this world who I want always at my side and whom I truly trust with my heart in her hands.

I think I wouldn't recover if she felt any differently – if she had any reservations or regrets about what I saw as a beautiful union of our bodies and souls.

Eyes flashing up to mine, Sara looks taken aback.

"What?" she chokes out. "No, Catherine."

She shakes her head tightly. "God, no."

Her startled eyes search my own, her hand hesitantly reaching out to take mine.

"Catherine…last night was…"

She struggles to form words, her fingers lacing themselves through my own.

"Last night was indescribably beautiful. It was beyond what I thought the human experience was capable of producing. It…"

She lowers her eyes, looking frustrated at her inability to express herself fully, express in words what she's feeling.

Squeezing her hand, I turn towards her slightly.

"Honey…"

When she looks up, I tug her hand.

"Come here, sweetheart."

Hesitating a moment, she lets me gently pull her body towards me until I can pull her into my arms.

Holding her closely, I rest my head gently atop hers.

"I just got worried, Sar," I confess honestly. "When I woke up and you weren't there. Then I saw you sitting out here looking like your puppy just died."

Sara lets out a small shake of her head at my comment.

"I'm happy, Catherine," she tells me sincerely. "Please don't think for a moment that I have anything but positive feelings about last night, about moving forward with you. I just..."

She again looks frustrated with herself.

I run my hand softly through her dark hair.

"You just don't trust yourself to be happy."

Sara's body stills, her frame going completely immobile.

It's a silent confirmation of my suspicions.

"I'm nervous, too," I confess to her. "It feels like last night was almost too good to be true. Like, it's some beautiful thing that leads up to some terrible downfall."

Sara shifts slightly in my arms, her eyes narrowing in thought.

"I worry about those things, too, honey. But, Sara, I think we've both been through enough tragedy lately that it's time for us to enjoy some of the good that this world has to offer."

I stroke her temple lightly.

"We need to stop shying away from the light simply because we're so used to the dark."

She swallows tightly, her body tense in my arms.

"By we, you mean me."

Her words are quiet, but easily heard.

I sigh, keeping my grip on her firm.

"Yes."

I love her so deeply, but sometimes I worry about Sara's ability to guard herself so securely that she also shuts out the good that life has to offer. It's like she doesn't trust anything beautiful, always waiting for the fine print or the secret, hidden danger.

And, knowing her past now more than I ever did before, I can understand why.

She's seen more tragedy, more hardship than any one person should ever have to.

Anyone else in her position would have hardened themselves to the world long ago. But, that's not the future I want for her. I want her to be able to let go of some of her walls, to trust in someone besides herself, and most of all to be able to truly surrender herself to the things in her life that are good and happy.

I want her to let me in.

To fully let my love, this relationship in.

I know it's not something we'll accomplish today or tomorrow.

But, I hope, someday.

She takes in my words, eventually breathing out tightly, head angling itself back to rest against my shoulder.

"I'm sorry."

"I love you, Sara," I cut off her apology. "And that includes your light and your darkness. Whatever the future brings, the good or the bad, I want to experience it with you."

I tug her hair.

"I'm just a hopeless optimist who's hoping it's a lot more good than bad."

Sara smiles slightly, her dark features lightening just a shade.

"Does seem like the karma scale should be swinging back in the favorable direction for us for quite a while after this past year."

I laugh, squeezing her hand.

"Catherine," she tells me seriously after a few moments of silence. "I want to experience it all with you as well. I never thought I would feel this way…about anyone. But, God Cath, I love you so much. When I think about us spending our futures together, for the first time in such a long time…I'm excited to see what the days ahead bring."

I run my fingers softly over her knuckles.

"It terrifies me," she confesses with a soft laugh. "To let myself get excited about something so precious to me. But," she shrugs lightly. "To hell with it. I'm kidding myself if I thought my heart wasn't already completely surrendered to you and this relationship."

She smiles at me.

"That ship sailed long ago."

Laughing lightly, I kiss her hair gently, so proud of her for not only what she said, but the fact that she pushed herself to be vulnerable enough to admit it aloud to me.

"We okay?" I question tentatively.

She turns, eyes moving from my eyes to my lips and back again.

"More than okay," she tells me before placing her lips gently against my own.

Smiling into the kiss, I pull back slightly.

"Great. So does this mean we can move this back into the bedroom?"

Sara snorts, raising a dark brow at me even as she pulls me to my feet with a playful smile.

"Are you propositioning me, Miss Willows?"

I playfully smack her ass.

"I'm about to be doing a hell of a lot more to you than propositioning, Sidle."

AN: Thanks for reading.