A/N: There is trigger worthy stuff in this chapter but nothing graphic. Just mention...anyway...I am staying just light of dark but I know I'm coming close. I'm treading lightly...promise!

Back to Santana's POV

Last Hope (Paramore)

When we had started the day out, I had opened my eyes to pain.

Not just any pain though...seering unimaginable pain.

Quinn was still asleep and so I headed to the bathroom to check on the pain.

I had thought shutting the door and the fact that it was before sunrise, was enough to just have those few moments to myself.

But I was wrong.

I was already bottomless since I always wanted to be ready to go at it and so when I pulled my tank top off, I was naked.

My skin was paler than usual and my fingers were itching.

The pain came again and I hissed.

Without wasting another moment, I lifted my right boob and could see the sharp red lines along the surgery scar.

I had lost my sanity these last couple of weeks and this was evidence of that.

It was like returning to an unhealthy version of myself.

Old habits came back and I was ashamed to even acknowledge them.

Least of all to Q.

Things got too far but she hadn't noticed...thankfully.

I let my boob go and looked up into the mirror again...my cheeks were wet and my eyes were vacant.

I couldn't be this way...I needed to regain control.

But how?

"How?" I whispered out and I felt my body shake.

My skin felt raw and from the swelling that I had seen, I could tell that it was becoming infected.

My first aid kit was in my bag but I couldn't move just yet.

I could hear that Quinn was awake and even though I knew she'd come in, I was still offended when she did.

A big part of me was scared that she would see this part of me and hate me for it.

I chanced one last glance at myself and immediately broke down.

That's when she saw me and afraid that she would see my scars and cuts, I turned away from her.

I didn't know who I was in that moment...but I wasn't very proud of myself.

I was embarrassed and ashamed.

I just wanted her to love me...and if she saw this side of me...who knows if she would.

I couldn't take that chance.

And so, I made her leave

She didn't even fight it...which worried me even more.

Did she know?

And if she did...what should I do?

I was freaking out inside and so I finally caved and did the only thing that I could think of...the only thing that made sense.

"Hello?" She whispered.

"B?" I whispered back, as the sound of Quinn leaving the hotel room helped me to breathe a little better.

"What's wrong?" I whimpered and she paused. "What did you do?"

"Nothing...not...I'm okay."

"Promise me?"

I knew that if I promised her that I was okay...that I would do every thing in my power to make it the truth.

I took a deep breath and slowly released it.

"I promise."

"Good. I love you."

"I love you too, B."

"Talk to you soon?"

"Definitely."

Once I hung up, I had a new resolve...I needed to be okay.

And so I would be.

The alternative was just unacceptable.

It was dark out as we pulled into New Mexico and immediately, I thought of B.

This was the place that she had been born.

I smiled to myself as we pulled into a motel.

I had made a promise...and it had been enough to keep me going.

The whole ride had been pleasant and I had managed to keep Q from her interrogations...but I was prepared to change that.

The first thing that I did when we got into the room was lock myself in the bathroom.

She didn't say a word.

Which really worried me.

Had she given up on me, already?

After a hot shower and a lot of prayer, I stepped out of the bathroom feeling insanely better.

Quinn sat in the center of the bed reading and smiling to herself.

She didn't look up until I was sitting in front of her...topless.

I reached out and touched her knee.

Her green eyes met mine and I could see her trying to smile.

But the smile didn't reach her eyes.

She hadn't given up and that just made this easier.

"Can we talk?" I asked softly.

She smiled and nodded swiftly.

"Of course, babe."

"First off...I'm sorry that I've been such a psycho...I don't know what's gotten into me but I am going to work through it. I promise."

She looked annoyed as she tossed her book to the side.

I watched as she pulled the covers back and then stretched her legs out.

"Come sit with me, San."

"Huh?"

"If we are going to keep this conversation going, I need to be able to touch you and right now...that's not possible with you over there."

I wanted to move, to give her what she wanted but I couldn't...not yet.

"Q..."

She held up her hand and shook her head.

"Sometimes things just have to happen and right now you are trying control everything...so please come sit with me?"

"Okay...since you asked so nicely."

She flashed me a smile and I melted.

The hurt was still there but her smile seemed to give me hope.

And right now it was keeping me from pitching myself into the canyon tomorrow.

"I love you." I whispered.

"Of course you do."

And for the first time...I let go of my control and released a huge laugh.

Yep...this definitely felt like hope.

And that felt better than breathing.

For now that was enough to keep me going.

A/N: It gets happier from here on out. Promise.