Retrograde (James Blake)
Brittany's POV
I stood there while she watched me and slowly poured more of the dark rum into the cup in front of me.
She didn't move.
And I didn't look up.
The liquid had been enough to hide the pain that I was in.
My life had never been the same after my accident in my second senior year.
I was forced to remember a love that I had lost and I was forced to get over that love.
And I had.
The drinking probably would have helped back then but instead the glee club took it upon themselves to help me through it.
Especially Sam.
He wouldn't tell me about our relationship, just that we had both decided that it was over and when all of my memories came flooding back, the memory of the hours leading up to my accident, still hadn't appeared.
So I just took his word for it...even if I could tell that he was lying.
When I got to New York, I was over Santana and really happy that she and Quinn had found each other.
I had gone to L.A. to spend time with them and they made sure that I had a blast.
And I made sure to give them space.
While I was out there, I auditioned for the dance program at UCLA on just a dare from Mike Chang.
I was already set up for Julliard and so I just did it...and I got in.
With a full scholarship once they saw my genius SAT scores but back then, the pain of losing Santana had still been fresh.
If I had gone to UCLA, I would be seeing them every single day.
That was too much, too fast.
And so, I stuck with my plans and headed to the big city.
Looking back on it...I wonder how different my life would be, if I had picked a school closer to my two best friends.
I wouldn't be in this mess...that's definitely for sure.
The burn of the rum sliding down my throat, felt soothing.
Everything hurt so much.
Even seeing her.
Not because I was still hung up on her but because I could see the disappointment on her face.
The heartbreak.
I hated myself for causing her to hurt but that is just another thing to add to the pile of my screw ups.
New York is not for the weak or the light hearted...at least not the naïve ones.
It will either harden you or eat you alive...and in some cases...like in my case...it will do both.
"I can't do that." I finally said after I got up the courage to lift my head and meet her eyes.
Her hands were crossed over her chest and her eyes were doing their best to fight back tears.
She was trying to throw up walls but they had always been pointless when it came to me...she knew better.
"B-" She had begun to say before I started pouring the rest of the rum into the cup.
It went all the way to the top of the cup.
When I went to pick up the cup, her hand came down and covered the rim.
"Let go." I said in a meaner voice than I meant, while holding the side of the cup as tightly as I could.
She ignored me and held the cup down harder.
"Why can't you tell me those things, B?"
She was closer now, I could smell her shampoo and soap.
Her smell soothed the torn edges of my soul...just enough for me to let go of the cup.
I took shallow breaths as the front of her body pressed against my side.
"You know why." I squeaked out.
"Tell me." She said into my ear as she took the opportunity to push the cup away from my reach.
I was about to lunge forward but her arms came around me and she held me in place.
My head was pounding as I allowed my body to rest against hers.
It had been way too long since I had been touched by another person.
With the exception of Nicky's hugs, there weren't many people around to just hold me.
My knee started hurting after a few seconds and so I straightened up and pulled myself from her hold.
"I wish that you would just leave."
"If that's what you want."
She dropped her hands from around my waist and made her way out of the room...but not before taking the cup full of rum with her.
My heart sank.
That was all that I had left and I didn't have money for more.
My stomach rumbled as I followed her out into the kitchen.
"No." I whispered as I watched her pour all of the rum down the drain and then as if she thought that I would lick the nasty sink, she turned on the water.
"No what, B?"
Suddenly I was angry.
"Why the fuck did you just do that?!" I yelled at her.
And what surprised me was that she actually flinched.
She looked at me with this defeated expression and then gave me a small nod.
"Don't worry, B. That was the last thing that I will ever do for you as your best friend"
"Good...I don't need you!" I croaked out.
"Great...I hope that you get the help that you need, Brittany. You're officially on your own."
I was frozen as I watched her leave my apartment.
She didn't storm out or anything, she just calmly grabbed her purse from the counter top and then walked out the door.
Not even glancing back, slamming the door or anything.
My feet wouldn't move and my voice wouldn't work until the lock of the door clicked.
Then suddenly, everything hit me at once.
I looked at the way she cleaned up my kitchen, the food that she had put on plates that was left untouched and if I took a deep breath, I could still smell her.
My best friend.
Before we ever messed around, that is who she had been to me.
There was no other person in my life that had shown me the way to survive like Santana had.
And I knew that there was nobody more permanently glued to my corner than her.
That realization made my world come crashing down...completely.
I collapsed against the door a bit later and just looked at all the damage that I had caused.
The apartment was a wreck now, eggs and cracked plaster on the walls, where I had thrown the plates.
Chairs flipped and my small glass table shattered.
My chest was tight as I looked around...this was my life.
Or what was left of it.
I was all alone.
She had given me an out and I had just let her slip away.
There were no tears as I rubbed at my sore knee.
At some point I must have hit it on something.
Pretty soon it would be completely swollen, again.
I closed my eyes and rested my head back against the door.
"What now?" I whispered to the empty apartment. The silence was so loud and so I screamed it out this time. "WHAT NOW?!"
This time the silence slashed through me and I felt like dying.
I don't know how long I sat there.
A big part of me was just sitting there, waiting for her to come back.
But hours went by.
I knew that only because the street lights were on now.
A whole day had gone by.
My stomach growled loudly.
I was nauseous.
Getting my body to stand with my knee out of place seemed too painful and so I crawled with just one knee on the ground.
I didn't care that my other knee was taking a beating...I just needed water.
After an eternity, I finally managed to get into the kitchen.
Broken glass was everywhere and so I crunched my teeth against each other and pulled myself up onto one leg.
When I went to turn on my faucet...nothing came out.
Fuck!
I hadn't paid the water bill.
This time it was my sobbing that was breaking through the silence of the apartment.
I needed a drink.
Sheer determination is what got me to walk across the floor towards my bedroom.
I was desperate to numb the pain.
And so I searched.
And searched.
Screaming in rage whenever I couldn't find anything but empty bottles but then as I was tearing the sheets off my bed and tossing my pillows, my foot kicked something under the bed.
And I heard liquid.
While picking it up, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror.
My face was swollen and I was bleeding.
From where, I wasn't sure.
I saw myself clutching that bottle in one hand and saw my whole body shaking.
I had a problem.
And it was going to kill me.
"I don't...I don't want to die." I whispered.
My hands moved on their own as they worked to open the bottle of vodka.
I didn't allow myself to think as I drank down what was left in as few gulps as possible.
My head was foggy as I put the bottle down.
I stood there, looking at myself as the effects of the liquor were kicking in.
There was no happiness after that.
What usually kept me happy was wine but vodka made me depressed.
And so when the tears started, I wasn't surprised.
I was so alone in that moment.
She had been right.
Quinn's POV
Nicky was spending his last night in New York with his grandmother,
And so I just spent the day waiting on Santana.
The whole day went by before she showed up at the hotel.
She smelled like cigarettes and her eyes were bloodshot.
I knew from the moment that I saw her slumped shoulders and sad eyes, that things had gone bad.
And I felt like I was responsible.
She hadn't wanted to be here and I had practically guilted her into it.
And now...her ability to detach herself from the wreckage that was Brittany, was impossible.
She had gone into the bathroom and took the longest shower in the world.
And when she came back out, she just kissed me softly before curling up on the bed and breaking down.
I spent the rest of that night just holding her as she told me everything.
Her heart was broken.
I was sorely tempted to go see Brittany but I knew that it was useless.
She didn't want to be saved.
And if Santana couldn't get her to see her problem, then nobody could.
"I can't...how can she do this to Nicky?" She croaked out after a long silence.
"She's sick...I guarentee, that she isn't thinking about how this will affect him."
"I feel like I could have stopped this."
"How? There was no way to stop her from tearing her meniscus. There was no way to stop her from falling for her doctor. Maybe we could have stopped the marriage but at that point, she already had Nicky."
"I just feel helpless."
"I know baby. We can figure it out in the morning...lets just get some sleep for now."
"Okay."
I had just fallen asleep when she was shaking me awake.
When I opened my eyes, I could see that she was on the phone and fighting tears.
"Where are you?" She was saying.
It had to be Brittany.
She was in the process of getting dressed and so I immediately got up and did the same.
"What's she saying?" I whispered.
She put the phone on speaker as she bent to put on her shoes.
"Britt? You still there?"
"I need help." She slurred.
"Where are you, B?"
"Outside." She said with a spacy voice.
And that's when I heard the sirens outside, echoing through the phone.
"Britt...why won't you come into the lobby?"
"Too much blood...no shoes." She muttered.
Nothing could have prepared us for the sight of Brittany, huddled against the building with no shoes on.
She had finally hit rock bottom and she had come to us.
Come for help.
I wanted her to remember this moment.
When she was in recovery...this moment would help her stay clean.
I was sure of it.
San was brushing her hands over Brittany's red cheeks and mumbling to her.
"Britt...tell me." She said in a rushed voice.
Britt looked at her with tears in her eyes.
"Please...help me? I don't want to die like this."
"Promise me that you want this, B."
She looked at San and with all the concentration she could muster in her drunken state she held out her pinkies.
One towards San and one towards me.
I watched as all the heaviness lifted from San's posture and her lips lifted into a guarded smile.
Britt had given her back her hope.
And hopefully...we could help give her back her life.
The one that she was meant to have.
A/N: I'm not going to apologize for telling a story. I won't try to please everyone...and trust me...this is light compared to the trilogy. That being said...I have been dealing with stuff...and it reflects in my writing. We won't be dark forever. I like a darker Brittany...there have always been undertones of darkness and snark to her...and I feel like if put in the right circumstance...that would all come pouring out.
Lots of love...and really...30 chapters?
Must be all the unicorn dust in the air. ;)
We shall see where this goes...but fluffy, sexy, answering times are on the way...but really...what questions do you have? Like logical...story related questions?
Stay wanky! ;)
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