Thought/Flashback/Dream

Chapter 30

Elissa laid in the bed next to Elmont, listening to his breathing, knowing that he was sleeping. A deep breath left her and she closed her eyes tight.

Idiot, idiot, idiot...

She couldn't have done it, she couldn't...

Elissa raised her arm to cover her face.

He had led her over to the bed after they made love. She could tell, as he pulled her down next to him, that he was expecting them to talk about them, but each time he tried to started any, any type of dialogue, she would kiss him, distracting him and it worked, she had effectively ended any possibility of communication between them for a while, choosing to keep her mouth, as much as his, busy with other tasks for as long as possible.

Then, they made love for the second time, slowly, savouring each other but in the end, he had once again attempted to talk to her, but she had held her fingers to his lips, telling him to go to sleep, that they would talk in the morning.

But she didn't want to talk to him, she didn't want to explain to him. It wasn't what she wanted. What she had wanted, desperately, was the feel of him wrapped around her, moving inside of her, his body overpowering hers, because her body desired his, and whether it was, lust or love, or maybe a combination, she had given in to the longing.

At some time in the night, Elissa had drifted off to sleep, but now, with him sleeping next to her, his arm around her waist, she reprimanded herself harshly. When she had given in to him, it had been an impulse, she hadn't thought about the consequences of the situation, the only thought that came to her mind was him… His kisses, his touches, his movements…

How did I let myself end up in his arms? How did I let this happen?

She slowly rose from the bed carefully so as not to disturb him, and quickly and quietly got dressed. As she stood at the door, she heard his voice echoing in her head, telling her he loved her. She hadn't answer… She turned to look at his beautiful face, barely visible. Every feature of it had been committed to her memory, every hard line of his body, the smell and taste of his skin, the feel of him…

She loved him so much but she couldn't be with him, not now, not until Roderick was alive and she didn't knew what to do, if not keep Elmont away from her, to protect him so he could live.

She just hoped she could find a way to be happy with him.

With one last long glance, she swallowed back tears and left her room.

The morning woke Elmont as it slowly brightened up her room. It took a moment or two before the events of the previous night flooded back into his memory. As they did, he immediately rolled over and reached for Elissa, only to discover that she wasn't in bed. He groan.

A Dream?

He sat up and looked around, he wasn't in his room and his clothes were scattered on the floor, and the pillow next to his, definitely had an depression where her head had rested.

No, it happen… It happen…

He sighed and sank back on the pillow. He knew that she wasn't in the room. No, she was gone; had left, he supposed, sometime during the night while he was sleeping, or very early in the morning. She had left him…

His mind began thinking in the implications of what had happened between them last night. His first hope was that what they had shared had meant something to her but her words, or lack off had suggested to him that she wasn't ready to talk to him but her actions, though...they suggested, at least, that she did felt something for him. But his biggest fear was that she had decided to left him, and being with him last night was her way of finally saying goodbye, forever.

He knew that she hadn't wanted to talk; it wasn't difficult to discover, after his firsts attempts to talk, she had made it perfectly clear what she wanted, and though he wasn't about to deny her, he really hadn't thought that she would leave while he was asleep, without giving them a chance to talk, he needed to understand her reasons.

She did say they would talk in the morning.

And because of that he had expected her to be there, in bed, in his arms, when he woke up. Disappointment and a sense of loss filled him, and he tried to push it away but it was stronger. He knew he had to find her, they had to talk.

But he couldn't stop his mind. The feel of her...he couldn't find the words to describe what it felt like to hold her again, and be the recipient of all that passion that had been always in her. But then, his thoughts turned to the fact that she had avoided meeting his gaze, and that she hadn't responded when he told her he loved her, or when he had gently kissed away her tears.

What could that mean? Was she truly saying goodbye?

He sighed again heavily, as the uncomfortable weight of frustration settled in his chest. He glanced at the window and climbed out of bed, knowing that he had to find her and he couldn't be found in her room, but especially in her bed.

"Elissa, what happen?" Isabelle asked as they sat in her room.

"Nothing…"

"Don't lie to me… I saw Elmont following you when you left, yesterday. What happen? Did you two talk?"

"No…"

"Then talk to him"

"I can't" Elissa said as she paced the room. "I can't talk to him, I can't face him it would break my heart to see his pain and… I can't Isabelle" Someone knocked at the door and Elissa looked at it, then looked at Isabelle and shook her head. "No… Don't open it"

"I have too, besides you don't know if is…"

"Princess.

"…Elmont"

"I need to talk to you," said Elmont.

"No, Isabelle"

"You may enter, Elmont"

When Elmont walked into the room, she and Elmont stared at each other for a long moment; he looked tired, and still had shadows under his eyes.

"I will leave you alone, I sure you want to talk to Elissa" Elmont nodded. When Isabelle made intention of leaving Elissa grabbed her arm, pleading.

"Isabelle… Please, stay" Isabelle shook her head lightly and left.

"Why?" He looked at her for a long moment. She shook her head lightly, looking away from him. "Why can you leave this subject alone?"

"It's that what you truly want, Elissa?"

"I…I don't know"

"You don't love me?"

"It not it. There are reasons"

"What reasons? You think your father won't approve of us? I will tell him right now, how much I love you, what you mean to me. I should have done it by now and I sure he will listen my intentions and consider…"

"Stop! Please Elmont,"

"I love you, I miss you and I need you..." his voice trailed off.

"Let me breath. Didn't I already said that…" Her voice rose.

"You said that you don't love me. Yes you said it and it was perfectly clear to me…Or so I thought."

"Why are you keen to turn things difficult to us?"

"Because you're lying, not only to me but to you"

"I'm not lying" she said, her voice softer this time. It was silent for a few long moments, until she turned to face him and he spoke.

"You're making my life and yours miserable and I believed you, I believed in you when you said you didn't love me and it was just a game to you so I stayed away. But I wanted so badly to be close to you, to hold you and protect you but your words keep remained me that you didn't feel nothing for me. God! I felt like I was dying inside but I needed to let you go, I needed time to think so I left… I left so I could think and try to understand you" he let out a grunt of frustration "But I give you what you needed last night. You made it obvious what you wanted and needed from me" she flinched

"Last night was a mistake. That's why I left this morning. It was a mistake" His eyes opened wide, and she could see that she had hurt him, even though he quickly hide his expression to conceal the hurt. He shook his head slowly.

"You can call it that if you want, but that's not what it was to me, and I know that's not what it was to you." His voice became very quiet, and a long sigh escaped him, and his eyes softened and she saw love and pain. "Waking up, not having you there this morning...that was horrible. I refuse to think at last night as a mistake, I won't regret it. It wasn't a mistake, not to me." He paused. "You love me, you said it before and that's why last night happen and you gave me a reason to not giving up on you, not now or ever."

"I wanted you last night, I did, and you didn't stared it, I did. I wanted it to happen and when I saw you…"

"I wanted to talk to you not have sex, do you even consider my feelings?"

"You didn't stop me"

"Of course I didn't, why would I?" his voice grew louder as he closed the distance between them. "The woman I love was back into my arms! How could I walk away from that, from you? There was no way I could turn you away, and you knew that I wouldn't. You took advantage of that. You wanted me to fill your needs?"

"That's unfair Elmont!"

"Is it now?" Elissa didn't respond and he knew he had hurt her, he nodded lightly "I need to know, Elissa... What was last night for you?"

"A mistake, only a mistake"

"I was a mistake?" he asked softly and Elissa shook her head.

"That's not what I meant"

"Yes you mean it, your actions and words made it pretty clear and I don't know why I keep trying to reach you… Since you said those words to me, you don't talk. You keep pushing me away from you… I wonder if it's me, or you or even…" he stop and looked at her eyes, he gently pulled her hair to one side "I wonder what happen to you, what made you this sad woman and where is that woman I fell in love… You don't have to tell, you don't have to talk, just let me be were... To stay by your side and help you… as I did when your mother died. Let me be your friend… Let me protect you" he said so softly, his eyes held so much love she found herself having difficulties in breathing.

"Elmont… I…I'm sorry" she said as a sob left her, he reached for Elissa and embrace her.