A/N: Hmmm...I should be sleeping but instead here I am...giving you a third chapter in a day's time.
Hopefully, I haven't killed you chicas too much?
Was that enough angst?
How about another chapter or two, tomorrow?
Yea?
Deal!
Enjoy ;P
The One (Tamar Braxton)
Quinn's POV
"So tell me about all the changes."
We had pretty much left the restaurant and walked the beach until sunset before heading back to the house.
She seemed completely out of it by the time we climbed into her company car.
Thankfully, I was prepared to drive and I knew the city well enough to get us home in one piece.
But that didn't mean that me taking over helped her much.
I could see how the drive to the house was zapping her energy exponentially and I knew that this wasn't something new.
This must be how she is each time that she goes home.
She was lonely.
That house represented a prison sentence.
It wasn't her home.
But hopefully me being there would help her feel better.
Suddenly, I felt bad for being upset about having Britt with me.
I thought she would be surrounded.
That she would be wining and dining big shots while I sat at home with Britt.
But I had been wrong.
I at least had a piece of home with me...Britt had been there even when I wanted to be alone.
But who did San have that was close to her?
Puck and Mercedes had both moved out of California and so she had become the kind of person that was surrounded by people and completely alone.
And it carried over when she came back home.
It hurt my heart to see her like this.
This two weeks had to be amazing.
And I needed to make more of an effort to see her.
Come to her and get her talking when she came to me.
Sex wasn't everything.
She needed more.
"What do you mean?" She asked after I had been silent for way too long.
"The tattoos...the piercings...the extreme weight loss."
She looked away from me and out the window.
Her shoulders shook as she wiped at her face.
I was tempted to pull over but we were almost there...
Maybe it was too soon for this talk.
"I...she...um." She stuttered and then shook her head, pressing her palms against her to stop the tears.
I pulled up to the house and she let out a long sigh.
She was fighting a losing battle against her tears.
This was not how tonight was supposed to be.
It was Christmas Eve.
So, I pushed my curiosity aside.
I turned in my seat and reached over, brushing her hair out of her face in the process.
"Look at me."
"No." She whispered.
"San...please...it's me. Please?" I whispered as I ghosted my fingers up her neck, over her jaw and around her hands until I reached her fingers.
With a gentle tug, I pulled her hands from her face and held them.
She was shaking more now.
"I..." She shook her head and clenched her eyes closed.
But that didn't stop the tears.
I hated this.
Her tears made me ache.
She was the strong one.
She just didn't know it.
I somehow managed to get her out of the car and into the living room.
She still hadn't spoken or really looked at me but when I pulled, she followed.
I didn't really know what to do...but I was trying.
She sat on the big fluffy couch and rested her hands on her knees.
Her head was down and she was staring at the glass top of the coffee table.
I knelt in front of her and blocked her view.
Now she was forced to look at me.
"It's too much." She whimpered.
"Put it all on me, baby love...I'm here for you. Whenever you are ready...but for now, I want us to just enjoy this Christmas...and every one after. I want us to build those traditions that you were talking about...do you want tears and sadness to be a part of those?"
"No." She mumbled.
She sounded like a five-year old and I couldn't help but crack a smile.
"No?"
She shook her head and moved to put her hands over her eyes but I grabbed a hold of her hands before she could.
"So how about we find something that we do want as a tradition. We can save all the talking for another time...we've had enough excitement for one day...right?"
It was like I could see the heaviness lift from her.
She perked up a little and then nodded.
"I'd really like that."
"Good...me too."
We spent the rest of that night drinking hot chocolate, watching cheesy movies and making plans for the rest of my time in L.A.
It was sweet and light-hearted.
And when we headed up to bed...for the first time since we got married...we didn't have sex.
Instead, we took a long bath together before climbing into her big bed.
There was a lamp on in the corner that she insisted we keep on.
She had always preferred the dark...but I guess that had changed.
The darkness was too much and with the echos in this big house...I didn't blame her.
It was one more thing to check though.
Just because it was something new.
But right then, I didn't question it.
I promised myself that I would save my questions about all her changes until after Christmas.
She needed to feel normal and in control and I was going to do my part.
It felt good to lay curled up in her arms and I just wanted to enjoy it.
"Can I ask you something?" I whispered after a while.
"Anything." She said, even if I knew that wasn't true.
I felt her body tense up but she was trying to seem normal.
No tough questions.
"Are you allowed to paint the walls?"
She let out a really big laugh.
"We..." She paused...and I knew why but I didn't say anything. "I was just thinking that same thing this morning. I hate the white."
"I figured as much."
"How did you figure?"
"Your childhood bedroom was black...our bedroom back at home is dark blue."
"Right...well, I have to ask Trey...he's my boss. This is his house...well one of his houses. In order to keep it...he has to occupy it at least seven months out of the year. Some regulation and so he usually gives it to his interns."
"Ahhh...now that makes sense!"
"What did you think?"
"I was scared to think anything."
"Yea well...I didn't have much choice...comes with the job and since its his house...he tends to drop by unannounced."
"Seriously?"
"Cesar has been nice enough to warn me...you know how I like to walk around naked."
"Oh thank God...that was my first thought."
I said as I slapped her naked ass.
She curled into me and shot me a glare.
"Don't start what you can't finish, Q."
"Mmm...right...so this Trey guy...is he nice, at least when he isn't being a creeper?"
"Yea...Trey is a bit of a tyrant but he's good to me for the most part."
"The most part?"
"Too heavy...I'm changing the subject...okay?"
"That's fine, baby."
"Good. So, um...how about putting up pictures...he doesn't mind if I hang pictures...maybe that would help?"
"Anything would help, my love...this is depressing."
"Tell me about it."
Hours later, I still couldn't sleep but she was knocked out and so I tried not to move.
I was just glad that I had managed to get her to fall asleep after the night that we had.
She slept with her head on my chest and her leg thrown over me.
Like she was afraid that I would try to escape.
But she would be lucky to get rid of me.
As far as I was concerned, law school could wait.
Her health came first.
With a million thoughts running through my mind, I just held her.
She looked like she needed the sleep more than I did.
The last few months had been so heavy but for all of the wrong reasons.
I had been worried about her cheating while she was down here losing her mind.
How much worse would things have gotten had I not come down on a whim?
And how the fuck did B know all of this time and not tell me.
I was trying my best not to be annoyed with Britt but I couldn't help myself.
She was trying to be a good friend to San but in the process she wasn't being very helpful.
Even if she didn't tell me what was wrong, she could have at least hinted at the fact that San was like this.
How could she not say anything?
But then...maybe she didn't know it was this bad.
Knowing San, she had just told Britt to look out for me...that she was going through this thing...
I just kept wracking my brain for what felt like hours.
"Stop it."
I was shocked out of my thoughts when I looked down and saw two big brown eyes looking back at me.
"Stop?"
"Your thinking is keeping me awake. Stop."
I sighed and hugged her tighter.
"I just...why Britt...why not tell me? I can't...get past that."
And that's when I saw the defining difference between both versions of her.
It was something that I had seen her do before...shit, everyone had...but I didn't notice it until now.
She nodded, sat up and looked at me with this insightful, stoic look in her eyes.
It as like a total shift from how she had been all night.
Weepy to confident.
This personality was stronger...it was the one that hit Finn after he outed her, it was the one that confessed her love for Brittany, the one that fucked me at Yale and in New York, it was the one that talked to me on the beach...the grounded one.
She would always kid around and call this part of her Snix...but I'm sure the irony of her naming that different personality just to get out of being suspended, not really knowing about it being real wasn't lost on her.
This was the Santana that the world saw...the one that I had known before I fell in love with her.
More self assured and when provoked...more violent.
The one you just didn't fuck with.
"I tried to tell you, Q, it just didn't happen. Brittany is easier to talk to sometimes. She doesn't ask questions...it's why she and I worked as a couple. I could hide behind her one-liners and overall goofiness. You and I work now because you see me...all of me. And back then, I was too weak...too naive to handle being seen beyond the stereotypes. Now though as I come into my own...I don't want anyone else to hide behind...too protect me. I know that I need you...and that I need to lean on you because you make me see what I otherwise wouldn't see and as of tonight, I'm trying my best to do just that. You see all sides of me and you knew...even if B hadn't said anything...you knew me enough to know that something wasn't right. I love you for it because you came here and you were willing to wait me out. This is twice now that you have come after me...first with the tulip when I was too scared to come talk to you...and now here you are again. I appreciate that, Q. I need you...and I want you to know that I am so fucking sorry if you felt like I put her before you. That shouldn't have happened. It won't happen again. I just need you to know that."
I pushed myself up and sat across from her, suddenly afraid to touch her.
Afraid to say the wrong things...but then...wasn't that what I wanted?
To say the wrong things and get the right answers?
She was pouring her heart out without a hint of tears.
This was the strength that I had always admired.
And even in that moment, I was swooning.
My mind was flying in a million different directions.
Was this how she felt?
"I know you had your reasons...I get it I guess." I shrugged. "And I...forgive you. But it still hurts that we ended up here. That you kept this from me."
"I'm sorry."
When she reached forward in the next moment, prepared to comfort me, I fucked it up.
I flinched.
Bad move.
Her face fell but then she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
"This is why..." Her voice broke but she pushed on. "Britt hasn't seen the violent side of me...not really but you have. You watched me explode...dissolve and I didn't want you to be...afraid of me."
I raised my chin and reached out for her.
"I'm not...afraid of you."
But then she pulled away and the corner of lip raised in a snarl.
"Don't fucking lie to me." She snapped before she growled. "Fuck!"
She took a deep breath and then went to touch me again.
And I leaned towards her.
She was reaching out...and I was ready for it.
This time, I didn't flinch.
I had told her to put it all on me...and I had meant EVERYTHING that I had said to her.
I couldn't make a mistake like flinching, again.
So, I let her hold onto my hands and didn't make a big deal about it.
Because she was my wife and the softness of her hands on mine was nothing to be concerned about.
"Okay...just talk...tell me what you want to know. I can't go the next two weeks like this. Lets just get it all out on the table." Her eyes drifted towards the clock and then back at me. She raised her eyebrow and then smiled. "Merry Christmas, Q. What better way to bring in the good Lord's birthday than honesty? Right?"
"San we don't have to do this."
"No...we do. I do."
The lamp in the corner showed me the darkness in her eyes.
I couldn't talk to her like this.
Now that I knew about the sides of her personality...it was like I was seeing her through new eyes.
And with her like this...barely holding onto her control...I couldn't push anymore.
Even if she asked for it.
It was my job as her wife to know when she had reached her limits...and even if she didn't think so,
I knew that she had.
"San...please." I whispered but she tightened her hold on my hands and shook her head.
"Come on, Q...all you have to do is ask."
"No."
That line of speaking had always worked in the past...but this was different.
This wasn't a game...or some cute moment.
It was almost like she was picking a fight...and I wasn't down for that.
She needed to be distracted.
And I was the master of distraction.
"No?"
"I can't do this with you right now, San...I need your kisses...and intense touches and every part of you that has been my wife. I need to spend this first night together in a month screaming your name and clinging to you instead of tearing apart every inch of your psyche. So please, just fuck me and save the rest for after Christmas...can you do that for me? I'm seriously asking you, Santana."
"Is that what you really want?"
I smiled and nodded.
"It's what I need...what we both need."
A/N: So yea...that's where I ended for the day ;) I figured I would give other fanfic writers an audience. :)
Lots of love!
-A