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I am with Maddie now officially. She is my girlfriend and I am hers. I am so glad she let her wall come down for me. Our journey was sometimes a misery on the other side we were always full of with passion with each other. I found this incredible girl for myself. However, I am still thinking about Sian a lot, honestly more than I should. I spent my half-life next to her. That is not something that you can just clear from your life. I think a big part of my heart will be always her because she was on my side for all those years. Now we are still connected to each other, not with the marriage but with our baby. We know the baby will be a boy. I took Sian to the doctor that day. We did not talk a lot but at least we can be in room without Sian wanting to kill me. That is definitely a positive sign. It is important because I want a pleasant atmosphere for him. Sian is of course angry with me for what I did but I know she loves at the same time. Her love is alive for me. I think that is why she cannot stand when she sees me with Maddie on my side. The first time Maddie and Sian meet after the divorce, it was extremely uncomfortable. When Sian saw Maddie, she immediately slapped her. Maddie slapped back and there was almost a catfight. I stopped it. I did not blame Sian for doing this. She had every reason to do it. But me and Maddie had a fight about it. I do not think she had the right to slap back. That night Maddie told me she didn't want to live a life of a guilty person who has to be in shame for what she did and cannot became a free and happy person then she left me alone in the living room. By the way, we are living in the flat, which I rent for Maddie, now I rent for her and myself. So that night I thought about what she has said to me. She said she does not want to live a life as a guilty person. Maybe she is right we should let go this feeling and be happy with each other because that is what we want, to be happy. But I can't let go those feelings. The guiltiness for what I did to Sian is forever and the shame. I do not feel shame for being with Maddie. I only feel shame for what I did to Sian, for cheating on her. I cannot let it go but I have to if I want a happy life with Maddie. Therefore, I decided Maddie and I will spend a few weeks alone. We are going on a holiday on place, which is far away from here. We are travelling to the Bahamas. Maybe there I can let myself to be free with Maddie. That means I cannot take Sian to the doctor but I have already talked to my parents. While I am not there they will help her. It maybe seems very selfish to people but those people does not feel the same way as I do.
Therefore, I am now at the Bahamas with Maddie. We are living a life of a careless couple who are madly in love with each other. However, at the other night when we were in a nightclub I was at the bar drinking some cocktail and I saw Maddie dancing with some girl. It would be okay if it would be just a simple dance but they way they dance it was as they fucked each other right on the dance floor. I became so jealous but I did not go there instead I found a hot girl and started to dance with her and I even let her to kiss my neck and shoulders. I hoped very much that Maddie saw all of it because I wanted her to feel as jealous as I felt. I did not take too much time while she realized what I am doing so she came to us and told that girl that I am hers. I could see on her that she was furious. Well, just like I am so when we went back to our hotel room we started to fight about what happened in the nightclub.
Maddie: How you dear to let someone kiss you?
Sophie: I just did it cause I saw you almost fucking that girl on the dance floor.
Maddie: Fuck Sophie, we were just dancing!
Sophie: No, I saw how you danced with each other. Do you want to fuck her? Fuck of course you want to fuck her you are a fucking whore!
I saw tears in Maddie's eyes. I should not have said that.
Sophie: Babe, I am so sorry!
Maddie slapped me on my face. I think I deserved it.
Maddie: Will you always come with this? If I wasn't whore you wouldn't even get to know me, fucking cheater!
Sophie: Maybe then, I would be still in a happy marriage Sian!
We were both crying now. After Maddie heard what I said, she instantly left room slamming the door leaving me alone. Fuck, what am I doing? Why did I have to say something like this? Why are we hurting each other with Maddie when we love each other? Will Maddie ever forgive me what I said? Did I just screw it up again?
I take a bottle in my hand and throw it to the wall in my anger. It does not solve anything but I just had to do it then I continue crying as I lean-to the wall.