CHAPTER FOURTEEN

CPOV

Back in Gallagher, after the James incident, I went even more downhill. It re-started with the drinking. Then the "smoking"; I could never actually do it right, so after the first time I decided if I was going to die it wasn't through coughing to death. After that failure, I did whatever I could that worked.

Apparently repressing your feelings was the most effective method.

Once I was caught though, I went off to a camp with a fresh bottle of pills filled to the rim that would 'fix me up'. I had been diagnosed with depression.

To be perfectly honest, I don't think I had depression. I think it was a mixture of shock and denial. But apparently that was all I needed.

There was nothing nice about the meds. They were my third-worst nightmare that came true of all time. First was Dad, second was James, and third was the meds. "No," I whimpered. "No. I don't want the meds. I'm fine. I'm not depressed, I'm angry." I almost said mad then, which I was sure wouldn't help my case.

Kim stepped forward. "Cammie, you obviously need our help."

"I don't! Look at my school records, look at my clean behaviour record." I refined from saying 'look at me' because I doubted I looked all that well right now. I felt like I was on the verge of desperation, about to fall into a deep pit that I didn't think I would be able to climb back out of. "I'm fine. It's just been a really bad day."

"Cammie," David spoke softly.

"It's true!" I protested. "I've been fine since I got here. Until today, I haven't once acted out. Behaviour or emotionally. I'm completely fine!"

"What makes today so different to the rest of the days?" Kim asked.

I stared at her dumb-founded. "Are you an idiot? You've listened to me pour my heart out and don't even think it's a coincidence that the one day I break down is the day the woman who I called my mother who abandoned me turns back up? The signs are right in front of you!" I shouted.

Rachel turned to me. "Cammie, stop."

"No. You stop. I was fine until you came back. Fine." My mind was reeling. I needed to get out of this situation. I couldn't take the meds. I couldn't. I would vomit them back up every morning and night if I had to. Done it once before and lived. "Those meds didn't make me feel better. I feel good. Finally. After everything that's happened, being here has made me feel good."

"But it hasn't made you act good," David pointed out.

"I've been doing boxing every three days with Joe to get out my anger and control it. You can't say that because of one bad thing in the entire two months I've been here means I have to go back on the meds."

I don't need any of this yet I still do it to keep you damn people pleased! Desperation claws at me. I would not go back on the meds. I'd flush them down the toilet, I'd even sell them if I had to. They'd disappear and it wouldn't be through my consuming them.

"It's what's best—" Rachel begun.

I whirled on her. "You can't make that decision. You haven't been with me here. Aunty and uncle have. They should be the ones to make the decision. They are my legal guardians after all," I spat.

Rachel flinched. "I'm still your mother."

"And how often have you been there for me?"

Her face paled and she looked away. Kim and David glanced at each other and nodded to Grant over my shoulder. Grant gently directed me away from the scene. I didn't fight it. I was too shocked. "You shouldn't have done that," Grant said when we walked into the kitchen, away from the others. I sat on the stool, burying my face in my hands.

"I know," I groaned, shivering with anger. I shouldn't have, but it felt damn good to get that off my chest. "There's no need to tell me."

"Really? Because it looked like to me that it kinda needed to be said."

I sat there, unsure as to what I should do, say, think. Feel. That was the big one. Because whatever my emotions are right now will determine what happens. I needed to stay in control. Completely and utterly in control of everything—my emotions, my actions, my life. I sat in there in a numb silence until about ten minutes later, footsteps sounded behind me. I looked up—Grant's back was to me which limited the options as to who it could be.

I spun around on my chair.

Mother.

"Cammie," she said almost gently. I could never believe she'd do anything gentle to me anymore. Not after the James thing and most definitely after the today thing.

I was starting to build up a lot of 'things'.

"We came to the conclusion that your uncle and aunt will make the decision as you made a valid... point that I have not been around to make a completely certified judgement."

"I thought to make a certified judgement in this situation you needed some sort of psychology degree?" I crossed my arms over my chest.

Pain was there on her face as quickly as it was gone. "I'm going to stay in town for a few more days. I need to speak to some people about issues involving Gallagher. If you wish or need to see me—" Her hand lifted out towards me as if she were going to touch me. I could only stare. She'd never given me that sort of attention before. Never, ever. Her hand dropped and my stomach seemed to harden over. "Your aunt has all my contact details."

I nodded my head. I doubt anything could happen that would make me go to her. I've been down that road too many times to arrive at a 'no through road' sign. "Okay," I told her.

She nodded, grabbed her bag and walked out of the house. Aunty and uncle walked into the room then, not wasting any time offering the verdict. They stood a few feet away from me, staring at me with sympathetic eyes. Like I didn't control my own actions. If I wanted to, I could dig down deep to the part of me that might have enjoyed what I had done. But I wouldn't do that.

"I'm sorry," I said, staring at the floor. Looking in their eyes hurt. Seeing all the emotion. I thought one of those might have been love. "I didn't mean to. I know it sounds ridiculous to say this, but I really didn't meant to and it really did just happen."

"We know," aunty said.

My gaze snapped to their faces. Joe walked into the room and touched Aunty's shoulder. She stared at the other two men hard and her, Grant and uncle left the room. It was just Joe and I.

"What's the verdict?" I asked. I didn't need to fake it with Joe, I knew. He knew me almost as well as I know myself. The only person who knew me better than me was dad... And he wasn't around anymore.

"You're not going on the meds."

"What?" I felt like I'd been punched. In a sort of good way.

"We've been watching you, Cam. Keep tabs all the time even if you don't know it. You're doing extremely well in school, you have friends that are good influences, and you're getting involved in the school. You have changed so much since your mum sent you here."

"You mean I've changed so much since I was sent to camp."

Joe hugged me. He engulfed me, really. I wrapped my arms around him tight, breathing him in and relishing in what smelt like family to me. I felt his chest rumble against my head as he laughed.

"No, Cammie. You really have changed. For you, done by you."

I started crying then. Joe just rubbed my back, whispered words, just being there. That was all I needed. I needed a family to be there. Not to judge, to think for me. But to be there for me. "Can I stay at yours for tonight? I need space," I whispered.

"Get your stuff. I'll be downstairs," Joe said and I bolted to my room. Throwing in random pieces of clothes, I didn't really care all that much. If needed to, I'd just return home and make myself look presentable. That was all people—my mother—cared about. Keeping appearances.

I ran out of the house without so much as a glance to anybody. I didn't need to, anyway, confident that Joe would take care of it. Joe was like my safety net. Every time I fell too hard, he caught me just before impact. I had no doubt he pulled some strings inside. He always did and I could only hope that he always would.

Joe got in the car and we drove off. We were silent for the first few minutes before I had to say something. Not because of the silence, but because I needed to.

"I'm not going crazy, Joe. Honestly." I stared at him. "Just... seeing her there and what we were talking about. What I did was wrong and I regret it so much. It was... happened."

"I understand you, Cammie. But you also need to understand that there will be punishment for what you do. Even if you didn't hit your mother, you had the intention of hitting her and above the shoulder line. Right now, I'm giving you a pass to come to terms with everything, but when you go back there will be a consequence and I don't think you'll like it."

"Do you know what it is?" I whispered.

"No. And I'm not going to get involved either before you ask. It's up to Brenda and Mike to decide since you are living under their roof now."

"I wish mother understood that last part as well as you did." I turned away to stare out the window. We rolled into the driveway, the garage's automatic door rolling up and then back down as we parked inside. The darkness made me feel enclosed.

"Cammie." Joe gently touched my arm. I turned to stare at him, hoping that I did look as bad as I felt. Today has been such a screwed up day. "We'll get through this. It'll be tough, but we'll do it."

That's what I loved about Joe, I realised. No matter the situation, it was always 'us' and 'we'. Never 'you'. He had my back from day one and throughout all the stuff ups I had made, he continued to have my back.

My eyes watered and I reached across the seat, I don't think I even put my seat belt on I realised, and hugged him. "Thank you. I love you, Joe." Hot tears ran silently down my cheeks.

Joe rubbed my back in a circular motion. "I love you too. I'll always be here for you."

"You promise?" My voice sounded weak, like a child's.

"I promise." Joe's steady, strong and self-assured voice made me want to be stronger. To be better. I would be stronger and I would be better.

For Joe and for me.

GRANT POV

I stood at the concrete wall by the front of the school, twenty minutes earlier than I usually get here, waiting for Joe's car to roll in. I hadn't spoken to Cammie since yesterday afternoon and while deep down I actually wanted her to stay home and rest, I knew she'd come to school. Cammie's a trooper; she wouldn't back down from one day of school. She always would act as if everything that didn't happen happened.

Slowly, cars, buses and people rolled in, filling the school grounds with chatter. Anna, Kim and the football team all arrived at our ritual morning spot. Even Bex, Macey, Jonas and Liz (who had molded their way into our suddenly very un-status quo group) even arrived.

"Where's Cammie?" Bex asked me. Quieter she said, "Is everything alright?"

Bex was the only person who knew out of anyone outside the family as far as I knew. And it wasn't because Cammie told her either. Guilt, also with a touch of non-guilty resolution, swirled deep in my stomach about what I had told Bex when Cammie first started school. It wasn't my secret to tell, and I still trusted Bex to keep a secret (but I did not trust her to ever accept my date proposals), but should I have told her?

I shrugged my shoulders. "Yeah. She stayed with Joe last night that's all."

"Joe?"

"Oh, right. Mr Solomon."

From across the parking lot Zach pulled in and waved, jogging over to our spot. He looked from Bex's face to mine and tensed up. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I growled, giving Bex a pointed glance. "I'm just waiting for Cam to arrive."

"She didn't come with you?"

"She stayed at Joe's," I explained.

"Oh." He nodded his head as if that was perfectly reasonable. I frowned. Did Zach and Cammie get close enough for him to know the relationship between Cammie and Joe? Does he know that she would turn to him? Does he—Am I over thinking this?

I cleared my throat. "So, Zach, about you and C—" My words broke off as I recognised Joe's familiar black car roll into the teachers designated car park, into the same slot he had parked in for the past four (was it four or five) years he'd been teaching here. I slipped down from my podium and pushed Zach and some guy out of my way as I walked towards the car.

"Cam!" I shouted, waving an arm. Cammie, who had just gotten out of the car, froze and stared at me dead straight in the eye. For some reason, my stomach grew cold and clenched tightly. She slammed the car door shut and bolted away from me.

Joe shrugged a shoulder in my direction and took off after her.

My arm, which I had still been waving, dropped dead limp at my side.

"So, I repeat my question: is everything alright?"

"Yeah, man," Zach said popping on my other side. "That did not look alright. Her face was pale and she looked..." His words died off. I understood. There wasn't a word to describe how Cammie was right now. It was like the sunshine which usually radiated from her was... moonlight, I guess. Dark.

"Grant, what happened?" Bex again.

I clenched my eyes shut. It was like having a bloody angel and devil on either side of my shoulder. Only this time there were arguing the same side.

Zach clapped a hand on the back of my shoulder. "You should think about working on your metaphors, bro."

Oh. I said that aloud.

"That was a simile," Bex corrected. "Maybe do your homework on the advice you're giving before you give it out, okay Zach?"

I choked on a laugh that instantly died at the knowledge that Cammie wouldn't be laughing.

"Grant," Bex said gently. "You can talk to me, alright?"

I stared into her eyes, wanting to believe her, needing to. I needed somebody else to help me deal with Cammie. She'd been doing so well but yesterday's episode was scary. To see her freaking out, her rambling, her fear. I could finally understand why she was prescribed medication and sent to camp. It wasn't because of what happened with James—it was how she reacted.

"I'm going to find Cammie."

So, I know I seem to be apologising a lot, but sorry sorry sorry! I have officially finished high school so the past few months have been filled with exams, studying, graduation and formal prep. I'm finally getting back into the swing of things and I promise that I won't abandon this story no matter what it might seem like!

I always wanted to thank you all for your support and reviews. Usually I send out individual thank you's each chapter with a teaser for the next, but I figured you guys have waited long enough for this chapter so you deserve it right off the bat. So thank you. Your voice and support does mean everything, truly!

I'd also like to tease you a little bit now with this knowledge: what you guys have been waiting for is coming soooooon. And it could be a number of things that you've been waiting for, but I'm not saying anymore than that.

Thank you for everything and shout me a line with what you thought of the whole medication thing!

Ellen.