I do not own glee. Chapter title from "I Miss You" by Miley Cyrus

It has been a month since the shooting, and life in Lima was miserable. It was still all over the local, national, and world news because it has gone down as the most deadly school shooting in history. Since it took place during a school assembly with almost the entire upper class student body crammed into the bleachers, the death toll was absolutely astounding and sickening. Not to mention he went through the hallways after and shot everyone he could.

In all, Pete DiAmoto—the gunman—had shot and killed 111 students and teachers, and wounded one. According to reports, he had graduated from McKinley two years prior, and was working at the local gas station as a clerk. He was unhappy in his life, and believed if he couldn't get out of Lima after high school, no one deserved to. Clearly he was sick in the head, and I was glad he was dead. I never thought I would wish someone dead, but I think I had the right in this case. The shot that the police fired in the hallway was fatal, and I could care less about his lost life. He was a murderer; he ruined so many lives simply because he was jealous that students were working hard and trying to become something more, while he did nothing to change his own situation in life.

Rachel was the only one wounded who made it. She was out of the hospital and almost fully healed by now. I visited her everyday, and lay in bed with her and talked and watched movies, trying to heal ourselves mentally. We were just buying our time before we could get out of Lima and away from the tragic memories here.

"Hey Finn." Hiram greeted me as he opened the door. They were used to me coming over every morning, and were thankful Rachel had someone during the day while they went to work. I went directly up the stairs to her bedroom, and found her looking the mirror trying to brush her hair. She was clearly wincing in pain because she had to stretch her arm over her head and her small wound wasn't completely healed yet.

I walked over and silently took the brush from her hands and she just huffed and went to the bed to sit. "I don't know why you keep trying to brush your hair by yourself. You're going to rip your stitches again, and I really don't want to take you to the ER again." I said it jokingly, but she knew I was serious. Neither of us ever wanted to step foot in that place again.

"I know, I'm sorry. I just keep thinking I'll be able to do it without it hurting, and I don't want to make you have to brush my hair everyday." She said sulking and crossing her arms over her chest. I slowly ran the brush through her long, straight, chocolate colored hair, trying to be careful not to pull too hard.

I laughed lightly at her dramatics. "Well, I could just buzz it all off and we wouldn't have to worry about it, now would we?" She gave me a death glare, and I just smiled back at her and continued to run the brush through her hair until it was soft and tangle free.

"Thanks Finn." She said shyly as she turned to look at me. I knew she hated asking for help, but she needed it sometimes; we all needed it sometimes.

We snuggled together, me being mindful of her stitches, and watched Brave, the animated movie. We were very particular with the movie we picked because we didn't want to laugh or cry(feel anything, really), so we basically just watched kids movies, musicals, or really, really bad movies.

I peeked down at her and frowned unconsciously. I was reminded of why I had really come over today. She saw my expression change and sat up slowly to look me in the eyes worriedly.

"What's wrong Finn?"

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, preparing myself for what I was about to say. The shooting had really affected me and changed my plans, and I knew I owed it to Rachel to let her in on these since she was my fiancé.

"Um, well I went over to Puck's a couple of weeks ago to help his mom clean his room out—she just couldn't bring herself do it—and I found something…he had this plan and list of what he was going to do after graduation. And, Rach, this whole thing has made me realized that I have things that I want to do too. I don't want to regret anything…so I-I've decided that New York is not the right place for me." I said the words I've dreaded saying to her for the past few weeks, and looked at her for a reaction. She didn't give anything away, but just sat there, staring at me for a while.

Finally, she blinked and let out a single tear. "W-what? What do you mean? We had a plan…" she looked panicked and confused, and I hated knowing that I did that to her, but I had to be true to myself. It would be better for her in the long run too.

"You had a plan; I was just along for the ride. I love you so much, Rachel. I just…Puck's list reminded me that I have so much left that I want to do before it's too late. New York was never my dream; it was always yours. I think I need to do this for myself so I wont resent or, like, hate you." She let out a strangled sob at the word 'hate', but I continued. "I am going to California, Rach. I applied to UC Santa Barbara right after the shooting—they have rolling admissions—and got accepted. My goal is to complete as much as I can off of Puck's list, and do the things he will never be able to do. Hopefully, I'll find my own goals and dreams along the way. I still love you." I reached forward to touch her hand, but she pulled it back quickly.

"I..I don't even know what to say…are you b-breaking up with me? Do you not love me anymore? Did you ever?" She was standing up at this point and was pacing back and forth and yelling.

"Of course I loved you! I just can't live my life for you!" I was full on shouting at this point, letting my frustration and anger at the whole situation come out. I hadn't even realized what I said until she stilled and her face completely changed.

"Loved?" she shook her head and walked to open her bedroom door. "Please, Finn, I'd like you to leave." She wouldn't look me in the eyes as she spoke, so I jdidnt know what else to do but walk out and never look back.

I felt nothing as I drove home—I was numb—and told my parents and Kurt my plan to move to California. They were all very supportive of my decision, although I could tell Kurt was torn. Rachel was his absolute best friend in the world, and was the one getting him through his devastation. He didn't want to see her so sad as well. But I needed to do what was best for myself, and I knew he respected that at least.

1 month later…

I have been in California for three weeks. I left as soon as I could, needing to get out of Lima and away from the bad memories. It was sad that I had eighteen years of wonderful memories and just one day could ruin them all. I promised my mother that I would call and Skype as often as possible, and she promised that they were planning a trip to California soon. They had decided to move to DC permanently, knowing that Kurt and I would never want to visit them if they remained in Lima.

I have talked to Kurt once since leaving, and found out that he, Rachel, and Santana had moved to New York early with the same idea as me. I had yet to talk to Rachel, but Kurt told me she needed space to re-learn how to live without me and it was best to disappear for a while and move on. So that's what I did; I started over in California. The only things I brought with me were my lap top, iphone, a small suitcase of clothing, and the leather bound book containing Puck's to do. Everything else I purchased here with the money I made at the tire shop and a small allowance I receive once a month from my mom and Burt.

I managed to get into summer campus housing—which is cheap—and was rooming with a kid named JJ from Rhode Island. He had white-blonde hair that was buzzed pretty short, and was about four inches shorter than me. He was recruited to play on the football team here at UC Santa Barbara as a wide receiver and came early to practice with the coaching staff all summer so he could earn a starting spot. He was really cool, and I knew we would get along well—we had already asked Resident Life if we could room together during the school year.

He has caught me reading Puck's book multiple times, so I finally broke down and told him the brief version of my life's story. He was really understanding about it all—he had lost his cousin in a drunk driving accident two years ago—and told me he would help me achieve as many goals on the list as possible. So far, in the little time I've been here, three items had been crossed out.

Move your ass to California

Get accepted into a college, any college will do—beg, plead, bribe, whatever it takes, you are getting into fuckin' college!

Get platered at a college party

Completing that last one was a pretty crazy experience. JJ took me to the football house where a few upper classmen were living over the summer, and to say it was different from a McKinley party was an understatement. Beer was flowing freely since a lot of them were 21, and the girls were dressed in next to nothing. I saw people practically having sex on the couches and smoking pot on the dance floor. I was overwhelmed at first—feeling way out of my element—but once JJ introduced me to a few of the guys, I loosened up. I kept asking myself, "what would Puck do? How would he act?" Suffice to say, I crossed it off the list the next day since I got totally shitfaced and woke up on the lawn only wearing my boxers and one sock.

Although a lot of the goals on the list were crazy and stupid, there were also a lot that weren't. For every reckless task, I decided to do a task that will take me towards my own goals and dreams, like the one I'm focusing on right now: "Find a profession that you've dreamed of doing, but no one ever thought you were smart enough" and next to it he had written "FBI agent". I thought it was a pretty cool goal and I could have totally seen Puck killing it as an FBI agent. My only problem was I had no idea what I wanted to be.

I told Rachel I wanted to be an actor, but now that I really think of it, that's not my dream job at all. I don't know what I was thinking, really. I have never acted in my life, except for that failed Rocky Horror show. I tried to think back to when I was younger and I had every opportunity open to me in the world. Doing this made me think of when I would visit my mom at work after school and see everyone running around the hospital. People came in sick, but left healthy, and this just baffled me to no end. I wanted to help people like that, so I decided that I wanted to become a doctor. I know—big long shot for Finn Hudson—but if I work my ass off, I really think I can do it. Puck's tasks made me want to try harder and reach farther than I ever imaged possible for myself. Completing things off of this list made me feel closer to Puck and miss him just a fraction less.

When I went to my advisor—he had been really helpful when I moved here even though it was summer—he suggested that I apply for a position with the medical staff for one of the sports teams here at the college. He said that most students who wanted to go into the medical field usually started by learning the basics of first aid, preventative care, and treating injuries. So, I did what he suggested and somehow managed to get a spot with Dr. Myers, the football team doctor. He wasn't very busy yet, as football season didn't start for another month and a half, but he was showing me the ropes and gave me simple assignments like filling ice buckets, taping ankles, and watching individual practices to make sure there were no injuries.

So, that's how I found myself sitting out in the scorching heat of the California summer, watching JJ run routes while the head football coach threw him passes. The coach was in his early forties, greying, and I could tell he was getting tired throwing pass after pass for the past hour.

"Alright, JJ, take five!" The coach shouted tiredly at JJ as he walked away to find shade and some fresh water.

JJ jogged over, breathing pretty heavily, and sat next to me. "Hey Hudson! Having fun?" He asked sarcastically. He knew I was miserable just sitting in this heat—at least he was having fun and playing football. I was simply baking in the sun as bored as can be. After about ten minutes, the coach was still wasn't back and I could tell JJ was getting antsy to start back up.

"Hudson, you said you played quarterback for your high school team, right?" He questioned with his eyebrow raised.

"Yes…" I replied.

"Think you still have some juice left in that arm to throw a few passes? I want to go over some of the plays I screwed up earlier."

I thought about it for a little bit, wondering if my boss would get pissed that I was throwing the ball around instead of watching for injuries.

"What the hell!" I found myself saying, and picked up the ball. You only live once, right?

I started out just throwing some simple, close range passes to get my arm warmed up and used to throwing again. It had been a long time since I actually passed the ball around, besides messing around with Puck, Mike, and Sam. I felt a pang of sadness when I thought of my friends. Sure, Mike was still here, but I hadn't seen him since the funerals, and I would never see my other two best friends again…

"Hey! Finn! Get your head back in the game, man!" JJ shouted at me from my right side. He was all set up on the line, ready for me to run the play. I thought through the play one more time, trying to remember it perfectly and then yelled "hike!"

JJ ran the pattern, which called for him to sprint and cut in quickly, and for me to release it into the air for a deep touchdown pass. I let it fly when I saw him cut and hoped I had enough power and precision on the pass. Thankfully, he caught it exactly where he was supposed to and jogged in for a touchdown. He started to do a little dance in the end zone and I couldn't help but crack up at how ridiculously dorky he looked.

"Excuse me," My head snapped up at the sound of the head coach's voice. Oh no, I thought, I was busted. "What's your name son?"

I gulped before relying. "Uh Finn. Finn Hudson, sir."

He eyed me up and down with a thoughtful expression on his face. "Do you realize you just threw a 65 yard pass, right? That's one of the hardest plays in the book, son." He was looking at me in awe and I simply shrugged my shoulders. I knew it was a pretty good pass, but I was nervous and shocked that he was this impressed with it.

"I'd like to see you throw another pattern." The coach said as he pulled out his playbook and showed me a couple plays.

After I successfully completed eight patterns, the coach—Coach King—smacked me on the back and asked if I would come out to practices with JJ everyday. He thought I had potential and could possibly offer me a scholarship and a spot on the team if he like what he saw after a couple of weeks. I was shocked that he really thought I was good enough to play college ball.

Apparently, this would only be the second season that UC Santa Barbara would have a team. I thought this was crazy—doesn't every school have a football team—but I guess not. He explained something called title nine that said that there had to be equal sports for males and female, so if they wanted football they either had to add another women's sport or get rid of a men's team. After the men's rugby team lost every game last season, they decided to cut that program and start up football. Because of the newness of the program, the coaches had trouble recruiting quality players, which is why they were in need of a good quarterback. They already had one who was a sophomore, but according to JJ, he was shit compared to me.

I agreed to try, knowing that not only would I have fun and meet new people, but also, the potential scholarship would make my tuition nearly free. If I was going to become a doctor, I needed to save as much money as I could for medical school.

August

Rachel:

I have been in New York for two months now, and I haven't spoken or seen Finn since he walked out of my house nearly three months ago. I go back and forth between wanting to talk to him, and never wanting to see his face again. I think that I'm still processing and coping with the shooting, and adding the fact that Finn left so suddenly only made things worse. I feel like I am in limbo right now; are we officially over or are we just taking a break? The words "breakup" were never spoken, but we are not acting like a couple either. I still wear my ring around my neck on chain, but I'm starting to think I'm being naïve and stupid. I honestly don't know what was going on or where we stood with each other and it's driving me insane.

"Rach! Earth to Rachel!" I heard Santana shout from her spot on the couch beside me. It was Thursday night, and we were watching a movie that I don't even know the name of. I tended to zone out and think about Finn when I wasn't actively doing something, which is why I have tried to keep myself as busy as possible. I got a job at an upscale bakery down the street and decided to take two summer courses at NYADA to get ahead of the game.

"Sorry." Said sheepishly, because it happened a lot when I was with the two of them. I am desperately trying to hide any sadness from Kurt and Santana, though, because I feel like I have no right to be sad when they have both lost the person they were closest to.

Kurt turned towards me while Santana stopped the movie. "I think we should talk." Kurt said looking between Santana and me with a grim expression. We haven't really talked much since the initial sob fest we had right after we moved in.

"Yeah, I think Hummel's right. It's like there is this huge elephant in the room and it is suffocating. Nothing is going to get better unless we air it all out and get it off of our chests. I'll start." She breathed out a long sigh and closed her eyes. "I miss our friends every single day, especially Brittany. We were best friends since freshman year and I made her drink all of my horrible, mandatory protein shakes. She was the first person I ever loved and who loved me back for me besides my family. She was so innocent and happy and I just miss her so much." She was crying softly now, but went on anyways with a strong resolve. "We were going our separate ways—growing up and away from each other—but I knew we would have remained best friends through it all. It helps to know that she didn't suffer and that the last text I sent her was 'I love you'." She gave us both a small smile, and wiped her tears off. "Okay, wow, that felt nice to get out. Who's next?"

I looked at Kurt and he nodded that he would go next. "So I'm probably going to be a mess, but I'll give it a try." Santana and I smiled encouragingly at him to go ahead. "Well, I guess I should start with the fact that I love and miss all of the people who died that day. I don't know what would possess someone to do something so evil; it makes me sick to think about it. I..I feel so guilty that I wasn't there that day. I was faking being sick so I didn't have to go to school, and now I don't know whether to be thankful or disgusted with my self." Blaine

"Kurt" Santana said cutting him off "never, ever feel guilty about not being there. We are all so happy that we knew at least one of us was safe." He nodded sadly and I patted his hand.

"Yeah, I know I shouldn't, but I wonder what would have happened to me if I had been you know? Anyways, I was pretending to be sick because…Blaine and I had broken up the previous night at the barbeque, and I was tired from crying and talking to him all night." Kurt paused when he saw our shocked faces and nodded his head as if to say, 'yes, we really did'.

"Oh God! Kurt, I'm so sorry! Why didn't you tell me?" I pulled him closer to me and felt tears prickling in my own eyes.

"Thank you, but I just wanted to think about it and process it for myself first. We went up to my room while you and Finn stayed out on the hammock, and just talked and talked about our futures. As we talked, I think we both realized we were not on the same page and we didn't want any of the same things. I wanted New York and Broadway and fashion, he wanted to backpack across the globe, writing songs, taking pictures, and living second by second. You know me, I'm more of a planner and like a stable future, and he wanted to be free and unconstrained. I asked him where he saw himself in ten years and he said he had no clue. He said maybe in the Himalaya Mountains, living with Tibetan monks and gaining spiritual understanding." He laughed at the memory and continued. "I told him where I saw myself, and we both realized that neither of us put the other in our dreams. We talked some more and came to the conclusion that we loved each other and learned so much about ourselves by being together, but we had learned all we needed to, and it was time to move on. It was mutual and although we both cried a lot, we knew it was what was best for both of us. I don't regret it, even after the shooting, but I wish I could have told him I loved him one more time. Even though we weren't going to be together, he was the one that taught me about love and being courageous in my lifestyle. I-I can't believe they are all gone…"

I hugged him closer, and Santana joined in so we were having a group hug on the couch. We remained like this for a long time before Kurt pulled away and looked at me.

"Diva, your turn. It really does feel good to get it all out."

I looked down, trying to compose my thoughts. "I hate that man who came in and killed so many of my friends, and that he took the people you two loved so much. I'm so sorry for you guys, and I wish I could do more to help you and make you feel whole again." I was staring between them sadly with tears in my eyes.

They each took my hand and Santana gave me a serious look. "Rachel, come on. Be honest with us and yourself. You were shot in that hallway…you are the only one that survived. I'm not saying this to intentionally hurt you, but you have to be feeling so much more, and it's not healthy to keep it inside. Just because we lost Blaine and Brittany doesn't mean you can't be hurting about this either. They were your best friends too, and you are the only one of us to be physically affected by this. So, please, talk to us."

I was full on crying by now, and I was shaking in their arms unable to talk. Finally, I got control over my body and took some deep breaths to calm myself. "I…I feel like I can't be sad because I didn't lose the person I loved…well that way. Finn is still alive, but he chose to leave me, and I think that is what hurts the most. The uncertainty of it all kills me and I don't want to bring my stupid problems up because they pale in comparison to your pain-"

"No, Sweetheart. Don't ever think that. All of us have an equal right to be sad, and you can't feel guilty about it." Santana rubbed my back soothingly, and I leaned in so my head was on her lap.

We sat around, talking about how we felt and getting any and all things off of our chests. When we completely and utterly exhausted from the crying and laughing, we fell asleep right where we were on the couch—cuddled together. Although it was hard and sad to relive some of those moments, I felt so much better that our feelings were exposed and we could be 100% honest with each other. This talk would only bond us ever closer than we already were, and made me appreciate their love and friendship even more.

The next day, I went to work and when I returned around 6:30, the apartment was empty. Kurt and Santana had yet to figure out exactly what they wanted to do with their lives, but got part time jobs in the mean time. Kurt was working at a small, vintage bookstore in a really hip neighborhood, and Santana worked at a tiny indie coffee shop. They both worked nights on Thursday's, meaning I got to have the place all to myself and watch all the crappy TV I wanted.

We are very fortunate that my fathers decided to buy a three bedroom apartment in the city as an investment property, and were allowing us to stay here rent-free. They figured that they would either sell it after we moved out or move in themselves when they retired and moved to New York permanently. They did, however, make it clear that we all needed to make our own money for food, utilities, and clothes, which we found extremely fair.

Just as I was about to sit down with a bowl of popcorn and watch Real Housewives of New Jersey, when I felt my phone vibrate on the couch. I looked down at the text and saw it was Mila from my acting summer class.

Hey girlie! Come out with us tonight! 116 10th Ave.! Get your ass down here now!

I sighed, about to decline, when I realized I should probably get out of my funk and have some fun. These people were trying to be my friend and I kept shooting them down. Soon, they would stop asking and I wouldn't have any friends at NYADA.

Ok. Be there soon!

I ran to my room to get ready, and went through my closest about ten times before asking Santana if I could borrow one of her sexy dresses. I ended up wearing a skin-tight, red dress that created curves I didn't even know I had. I tried to recreate Santana's smoky eye and left the rest of my face bare of makeup. Before I knew it, I was out the door and heading to Avenue nightclub, unaware of the night that awaited me.

Three hours later…

"Wow Rachel! You are sooo funnn!" Mila shouted drunkenly over the loud crowd.

I smiled widely and threw my hands up in the air screaming along with the music. It felt so good to just let loose and have fun with friends. The shots had been coming continuously for the past two hours, and since it was my first time drinking liquor, I was really feeling it, throwing one back on after the other.

Somehow, I found myself in the corner, pushed against the wall by some guy I had just met. We were making out sloppily, and in the back of my mind, I knew I probably should be doing this with a total stranger, but it felt so good. Eventually, we got bored with each other and went separate ways though. I wandered over to the back of the club by the restrooms, and pulled out my phone. I was feeling really confident and courageous in the moment, and knew exactly who I wanted to talk to…I needed answers.