Dean and Cas had been together for a week, and things were finally starting to feel happy in the apartment. The semester at school had just finished, and the holidays were quickly approaching.

Sam walked down the street, shuffling through the snow, heading to Luci's. For the first time in a long time, he felt buoyed by the idea of going over there. Dean and Cas were dating, it was winter break, Sam was definitely in love with Gabriel, and it was time to end it was Luci once and for all. If Dean could get his love life in order, it was about time Sam did the same.

He decided that this year's new years' resolution would include not dating Luci. At all. He didn't want him anymore. He didn't want the pain anymore. He wanted Gabe. He wanted Gabe in so many ways. Gabe knew Sam better than anyone, even Dean, and it was so comforting. Sam craved his comfort and his friendship and his company and his touch and his gaze and his lips…He had to break up with Luci before he could consider any of that. And that was also assuming Gabe felt for Sam in return. Sometimes he thought Gabe might feel something, but at other times, he wasn't so sure.

First things first. He arrived at Luci's building and climbed the stairs that his boyfriend had pushed him down. He saw the dent in the plaster walls of the stairwell from where Luci had shoved him hard enough that his elbow had made a mark. He had more painful memories here than not. Eventually, he made his way to the third floor. His stomach flip-flopped from nerves. He had to do this. Walking down the hallway only served as a reminder of being pushed into the walls too hard and being kissed too roughly. It was so close to being over. Luci wasn't going to take this well. Sam swallowed his fear and knocked on the door.

This was the usual time he was supposed to come over, so he knew Luci was home, but there was no reply at the door. Odd. Sam reached for the pare key above the doorframe and let himself in.

"Luci?" Sam called. The apartment was completely quiet. Way too quiet.

"Luci, you home?" he tried. If this was how the break up was going to go, it would be incredibly one sided. There was a thud in the bathroom that drew Sam's attention.

Sam said quietly, "Luci?" He opened the door slowly.

His breath caught and he dropped to his knees. Luci was kneeling on the bathroom floor watching blood dripping from shallow slices on his arms. He was crying.

"Luci, what—?" Sam asked.

Luci looked up at him blearily. "Why am I wrong?" he asked.

Sam pulled Luci into his arms, "You're not wrong. Nothing's wrong with you. Why would you say that?" His stomach turned sour. What would Gabriel think of what he just said?

Luci pulled away and punched him hard in the arm while tears rolled down his face.

"Don't lie to me," he snapped.

"Luci, what happened?" Sam asked. Luci sighed and stared at his arms as the small trickles of blood ran.

"There were some guy on the bus from work who thought it was fun to make fun of the dyke. And I'm not a fucking lesbian, you know? And I just—" he said, trying to calm down. He reached for a bloody razor in the sink. Sam caught Luci's hands, careful not to touch the cuts but still feeling the squish of blood beneath his fingers.

"Luci," Sam said quietly, "You shouldn't let what people on a bus say get to you." He stood, leaving Sam's grip.

"But they're right! I'm a freak. I'm just wrong," he shouted. Grabbing Luci's hands again, Sam said, "You are not a freak. You're a man. You're a good man." Luci shook his head.

"I may look like a man, but with those guys on the bus, I didn't feel like one. And there will always be guys like that. And I'll never be enough of a man for them," he said.

Sam knew what would make Luci feel better, and it made him hate himself. The thought made him sick to his stomach. He'd probably never be able to look Gabe in the eye again. It was going to make everything so much worse.

"Hit me," Sam said, "If it makes you feel like the man I know you are, hit me."

Maybe too much heart was always his problem. He didn't love Luci anymore, he wanted to leave and never look back. But he knew he could help him. What kind of person would he be if he didn't try?

Luci punched him hard in the chest, knocking the wind out of him. Sam fell back against the bathroom wall. He braced himself.

The next hit came to his left side. He gasped but refused to make any other sound. He tried to think of Gabriel to keep himself from crying, but this was his fault. He didn't deserve to think of that beautiful man when he had volunteered for this.

Luci slammed his fist into Sam's solar plexus. He cringed at the force of it. He didn't want this. Instead, he focused on the look in Gabe's eyes when he could easily have kissed him. There was something there.

Luci hit him again. Something was in that loving amber gaze that made Sam feel so warm.

Another blow landed. His hands remembered the feel of Gabe's hair as it slid over his fingers.

The punches kept coming. The thoughts of Gabriel kept him from screaming.

Clarity and a certain calm seemed to ease into Luci's features with each blow.

Sam knew it wasn't Luci's fault. None of this was. He needed to be dominant; he needed to inflict pain just to feel secure in himself. That's just how he was. While Sam's chest and ribs sang with the sting of new bruising, he saw a sort of peace in Luci that he only got to see after being beaten. He hated it, he hated himself for willingly taking it, but it helped Luci.

Each breath he drew hurt. Luci backed away from Sam and stood over the sink, visibly calmer. Sam stood slowly, forcing himself not to wince with the movement, and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend. Wordlessly, he turned on the warm water.

Gabriel would see the new bruises, and Sam had no idea how he'd explain them. These were different. He'd asked for these. It was a whole new level of shame.

Slowly, he put Luci's arms under the water and rubbed gently at the dried blood.

For the first time, Sam was scared, not of Luci or of his family finding out, but of himself. How far was he willing to go to keep Luci happy? How much was he willing to take to help Luci stay sane?

With as soft a touch as he could manage, he cleaned Luci's arms and wrapped up his cuts.

Luci smiled at him tiredly.

"Thanks, Sam," he said, "I don't know what I'd do without you."

And Sam knew then that he'd never leave. He'd never be free no matter how much he craved it. He'd never be with Gabriel no matter how much he wanted to. Luci needed him. And they deserved each other. The too strong, too rough, too misunderstood abuser and the too willing, too patient, too pathetic loser were simply meant to be. They were too halves of the same whole, and nothing Sam did would ever change that. The hope Sam felt when he thought of Gabriel's warm smile died. There was no hope in all of this, no light at the end of the tunnel. He'd been naïve to think there was any outcome where he wasn't under Luci's completely control. He'd never felt so trapped in all his life. All he could see now was pain.