It was a few days after New Years' when Sam declined the invite to see Cassie. Sure, she was nice, but Cas was meeting her for the first time and already looking like he'd seen a ghost. So, Sam stayed home with Charlie and Dorothy.

They had just started to watch Les Miserables since Dorothy had ordered it from Redbox when Gabe called.

"I'd like to try again," he said when Sam answered.

Charlie paused the movie.

Sam sighed. Gabe had tried a few times to get into Sam's head, but there were just some things that Sam didn't want to say. There were things he knew would hurt Gabe if he told him. So he didn't. And Gabe knew he was holding back. This would be the fifth attempt. Still, he'd seen Les Mis in theaters, and he had not much interest in watching everyone die.

"Okay," Sam said, "I'll come over, but you're wasting your time."

"It's my time to waste, isn't it?" Gabe replied happily, "See you in a bit."

When he hung up, Charlie asked Sam, "When are you going to ask that boy out?"

"He doesn't having feelings for me, not like that anyway," Sam said.

Charlie stared at him in disbelief, "Sam, there is not a chance in hell that Gabriel isn't insanely in love with you."

Sam shook his head and went to get his coat.

"I kissed him," Sam said, putting on his coat and shoes, "He didn't return it. He said he just wants to be friends. He doesn't want to date me. How much clearer does he need to be?"

Charlie looked at Dorothy; Dorothy stared back at her girlfriend, confused.

Finally, Dorothy said, "I'm sorry, Sam."

Charlie got up and hugged him. "It's his loss," she said into his shoulder.

Sam didn't quite believe that. It was much better that Sam and Gabe weren't together. This way, Sam wouldn't ruin his friend's entire life.

He said, "I'll be home later."

Quickly, Sam walked out the door before he had to struggle not to cry. It was for the best. Gabriel's rejection was definitely for the best. He wouldn't subject Gabe to his broken awfulness in all aspects of his life, which was something since Gabe wasn't really allowing friendship to be optional.

When Sam got to Gabe's place, his friend was waiting outside for him.

"Are you nuts? It's freezing out here," Sam said as he got closer.

Gabe shrugged. "My doorbell isn't working," he said, "Didn't want to miss you."

He led Sam downstairs.

"So, where do you want to start today?" Sam asked.

He really didn't want to do this, but Gabe's previous attempts had been 'Tell me what's on your mind,' or 'What's bothering you?' which had been easy enough to avoid actually answering.

"How did Dean react to finding out about what Luci had been doing to you?" Gabe asked, sitting next to Sam on the futon. What the hell did that have to do with anything?

"I don't know. I was unconscious when you told him," Sam said.

Gabe nodded and clarified, "I mean when you told him."

"He was quiet and trying not to react," Sam replied, thinking back, "But he always shows it on his face. He seemed guilty, like he was blaming himself. And I told you he would do that."

"How has he been acting around you since?" Gabe asked. Sam really had been trying not to think about that. But he promised Gabe he'd let him in.

Sam answered, "He's been cautious around me, like I'm gonna break down at every little thing he says. If Cas hadn't gotten stabbed, he'd probably be much more attentive and careful, but Cas grabbed most of his attention. He's still very nervous that I'm going to fall apart, but he's been trying to get back to normal with me."

"And do you feel like you're going to fall apart?" Gabe asked.

Yes. Every second was a fucking battle to stay sane. And that was when he wasn't dreaming about Luci.

"Don't do that," Gabe said.

Sam asked, "What?"

"Don't get caught in your head. Just tell me. If you think it, say it," Gabe said.

Sam shook his head, "I can't."

Slowly, Gabriel slid his hand around Sam's. "Think of this like the time I had you show me all your bruises and injuries," he said, "I'm not aiming to fix anything right now. Just wanna see the damage."

That made Sam relax a bit. This was Gabriel, anyway. He could do this.

"Yes," Sam said, "I feel very fragile. I know I'm not, but everything hurts. Literally everything."

Gabe nodded. Sam hoped he didn't realize that everything included Gabriel.

"Can you tell me what's going on in your head?" he asked. Sam reminded himself not to leave anything out. No more dumping it out in his headspace. Think it, and say it.

"Pain. I hate myself, and it hurts everyone around me, and that hurts worse," Sam said, "I can't stop dreaming about Luci, which you already know. But I don't get mad at him, I'm always just mad at me. And then, there's the shit with us that I am seriously not talking about right now."

Gabe sighed, "We will be talking about that, but we can save it if you want. Why do you hate yourself?"

Sam hesitated. "I'm awful," he said, "I'm horrible. I'm disgusting. I let him hurt me, I let him violate me in ways that...it's my fault, and I'm the worst person I know because of it." He tried not to let his voice crack, but it did anyway. At least he didn't cry. He'd never said that out loud, and hearing the words come out of his mouth made them real. The pained look on Gabriel's face made him hurt more.

"Sam," Gabe said, "Look at me."

Sam made to get up off the futon. Gabe still held his hand and kept him from leaving.

"Sam," Gabe said again.

Finally, Sam met Gabe's intense gaze.

"That was not your fault," Gabe said.

"Gabe..."

"No, it's not your fault. Luci was in control of his actions. It is not on you to stop someone from hurting you, it's on them. Luci hurt you. That was his fault."

"I didn't stop him. I didn't even fight."

"You didn't want to," Gabe reminded him, "You explained that to me, and even I understood it." "I should've stopped it," Sam said. Gabe tightened his grip on Sam's hand slightly. "You shouldn't have had to," he said calmly, "But you have stopped it."

"Yeah," Sam said darkly, raising his cast, "And look what it got me."

"It got you the last injury that bastard will ever give you," Gabe countered, "and my lovely handwriting on your arm."

Sam smiled a bit. He couldn't help it; Gabe had that effect on him.

"I'm not just going to forgive myself overnight," Sam said.

Gabe nodded, "I know. You shouldn't have to forgive yourself at all, but I know."

Sam took his hand back and slouched against the futon.

"What about us is bothering you?" Gabe asked hesitantly.

Sam sighed, "I don't want to talk about it."

"Sam, please. I don't want to be causing you any pain. I might actually be able to fix this one," Gabe pleaded.

Sam doubted that. "Fine," he said, "You confuse me."

"How?"

"You hold my hand, you play with my hair, we fall asleep together, you cuddle with me when we do, and you constantly tell me things that make me feel like we could be more than friends."

Sam paused. Gabe must've known where he was going with this, but his friend said nothing.

Sam continued, "But you didn't want me. You want to just be friends, which is fine. But you still act like we're more. It's…difficult."

"Sam, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"You know the worst part? You are the only person I've ever opened up to, the only one I've ever wanted to be close to, and you never pass judgment even when I've expected it," Sam said, "But even though you know me better than anyone, you can't love me. And I don't blame you. I'd be too fucked up for you even if you did."

"Sam, that's not-" Gabe tried.

Sam cut him off, "I'm sorry. I don't mean to put that on you."

Gabe stayed silent for a moment. If he was going to prove Charlie and Dorothy right, if he had feelings for Sam, he would've said something. God, Sam felt awful.

"Do you really want in my head, Gabe?" Sam asked.

Gabriel nodded but said nothing.

Sam sighed and stared at the ceiling. He couldn't look at Gabe when he said it.

"I wish I would just die," Sam said.

"Don't you dare say that," Gabe snapped.

"I'm a nuisance to everyone I know," Sam said, "It'd be better."

Gabe him a horrified look, "How could you possibly think that?"

"Because it's true, Gabe."

"No, it's not. You're my best friend."

"You have a shitty person for a best friend."

"How can I prove it to you? I love spending time with you. You are perfect, Sam. I know you don't see it, but it's true. You are the strongest person I've ever met. I care more about you than anyone else. I love you."

"Don't say things you don't mean."

"Dammit, Sam. I mean it. I wish you could see yourself clearly. I love you for who you are. I swear I do. You're amazing."

"Gabe, you don't-"

Gabriel pressed his lips to Sam's, and Sam's heart stopped. This was what Gabe didn't tell him? But he didn't feel that way. He wouldn't have rejected him before if he did. What was happening?

He broke away from Gabe. What the hell was Gabriel doing? Why did he do that? He didn't feel that way about Sam.

"Sam," Gabe said.

That kiss was a lie. It was just to make him feel better. The love in Gabe's eyes was a lie. All of it, lies.

Sam got up and walked out the door.

Gabe called after him, "Sam, wait!"

But it was too late. Sam was out in the cold, night air and running home.