Things were strained between the Winchester brothers and Castiel couldn't figure out why.
Over the months that he had gotten to know them, he had noticed they were incredibly close for brothers so this space they had between them was troubling. Castiel was determined to stay out of it until Dean started to withdraw from everybody, including him.
Castiel wanted to find out what was going on, but he knew he couldn't ask Dean and well, asking Sam was out of the question. Which only left one option open.
Gabriel.
Castiel called Gabriel the Saturday before Thanksgiving and asked him out for lunch. Dean was working, trying to get a job done before the holidays so he would be busy all day. Gabriel agreed and suggested they meet at Joshua's Cup, a place Castiel hadn't been to yet. Gabriel assured him he would love it.
Castiel sat at a small table in a back corner, looking over the café as he waited for Gabriel to show up. The place had dark, gleaming wood floors that were littered with small round tables and a couple of comfortable looking leather couches. Except for the seating and dark wood counter that the front was covered in copper tin plates, the place was on the minimalistic side as far as decorating. Except for the light fixtures, each one was different, a mismatch of lighting, but somehow it seemed to work.
He was so caught up in looking around the place; he was startled when he heard the scrape of a chair.
"Hey Cassie." Gabriel gave him a grin as he sat down across from him.
Castiel felt a sharp pain at the nickname being that Balthazar was the only one who called him that.
"Hello Gabe, thank you for meeting me."
Gabriel chuckled. "Why so formal? We're practically bros-in-law. So what's up with this meeting? Are we on a secret mission? Is that why the clandestine meeting? I've always wanted to be a spy. I think I would be good at pretending to be somebody I'm not." Gabriel rambled on making it difficult for Castiel to keep up.
Before Castiel could answer, an auburn haired teenage girl came to take their order. She came back quickly with their drinks and told them it would only be a few minutes on their sandwiches.
Once the waitress was gone, Castiel took a nervous sip of his Coke before proceeding. "I'm going to get right to the point. What's going on between Dean and Sam?"
The smile dropped from Gabriel's face. "It's not my place to say."
Castiel glared at the shorter man, but schooled his expression when the waitress came back with their sandwiches. He offered her a small smile and a thank you. He stared down at this chicken salad sandwich and felt an utter lack of appetite.
"I had a feeling you knew something. Is there anything at all you can tell me?" he asked quietly.
Gabriel stared across the table at Castiel, food forgotten. His normally smirking face was pensive, clearly torn on what to say.
"Have you heard about the assault on Pastor Adler?" Gabriel started.
Castiel snorted. "The pretentious bastard probably deserved it."
Gabriel gaped at Castiel's venomous remark. Castiel just stared stonily at Gabriel to continue.
Gabriel shook his head and shot Castiel a wry smile before his face slid back to a more serious demeanor. "Well, Sam is defending the sixteen year old that was charged. He won't speak about what happened but Sam is trying to get Dean to talk to him, try to get him to open up."
Castiel's brow furrowed. "Why Dean?"
Gabriel gave Castiel a sad smile. "That's what Dean needs to tell you. Sam is trying to convince him, but it's bringing up bad memories."
Castiel felt a wave of protectiveness toward Dean hit him and found himself growling at Gabriel. "Then why not drop it? If he doesn't want to do it-"
"Damn it, Castiel, listen to me. This is a kid's life on the balance here. We really need him to talk to us and Dean might be the only way since he was in a similar situation." Gabriel clamped his mouth shut, his face blanching at what he just told Castiel.
Castiel latched onto it like a bone. "Similar situation? What do you mean?"
Gabriel shook his head vehemently. "I can't say anything else, please don't ask me." he begged. Gabriel's expression softened when he saw the slumped set of Castiel's shoulders. "Talk to him. Ask him to tell you what's wrong instead of trying to pry information from his brother's boyfriend. Let him know that no matter what, you won't think any differently of him. Dean loves you and that's what's holding him back. He doesn't want to talk to the kid because he doesn't want you to find out what happened to him when he was a teenager. He's so scared for you to know that he's terrified that if you did, you'd leave him."
Castiel's heart jumped at Gabriel's confession of Dean's love. Even though Dean hadn't said it, and maybe never would because he wasn't prone to sharing his feelings, he knew that he did. It still took him by surprise that another person acknowledged it.
"Don't act so surprised, kiddo. Everybody knows he's crazy about you, but I suspect you already know that."
Castiel nodded as Gabriel waved down the waitress.
"I need to get going, but think about what I said." Gabriel told Castiel as he paid the bill and put his uneaten sandwich in a to-go box.
Castiel felt like he had even more questions now than when he started. What did Dean do in his past that he was so afraid to tell him? He couldn't think of a single thing that Dean could have done that would make Castiel stop loving him.
He didn't know how long he sat at that small table alone when he looked up. He jumped slightly when he saw a kindly looking older black man sitting across from him.
"Son, I don't think that chicken salad's going to tell you the meaning of life."
Castiel felt his cheeks flush in embarrassment. Who knows how long he had been glaring down at his sandwich.
"Ahhh…you're Castiel. I think I'd recognize you anywhere with those eyes."
Castiel's eyes narrowed. "How do you know who I am? And was that a flirtation?"
The man's head tipped back in a surprised laugh, causing the waitress at the counter to look at the two of them and smile. The man's laughter was gruff but held a hypnotic quality to it that caused a smile to form on Castiel's lips.
"I'm a friend of Gabriel's and he talks about you and the Winchesters constantly. That's how I knew who you were. If it was a flirtation, it's a pretty uncreative one since I imagine many have waxed poetry over your eyes. I'm Joshua." he held out his hand, mirth still twinkling in his eyes.
"Joshua? As in Joshua's Cup?" Castiel asked after he shook the older man's hand.
Joshua nodded and chuckled. He then gestured toward Castiel's untouched sandwich. "Would you like something else instead?"
"No, it's fine, I just got a lot on my mind." Castiel told Joshua, playing with the straw of his drink.
Joshua's eyes became concerned. "Want to talk about it? I've been told I'm an excellent listener."
"I couldn't burden you with all my nonsense and you're probably too busy to hear about it anyways."
Joshua smiled and looked around the empty café. "I think it's safe to say I've got the time."
There was something about Joshua that Castiel couldn't figure out, but he eluded such a persona of strength, comfort and peacefulness, that much to Castiel's chagrin, he ended up spending an hour telling Joshua about his and Dean's entire relationship.
At the end of it, Castiel felt exhausted and no closer to what he should do.
"Despite not knowing each other long, it seems like the bond between you two is strong. I wouldn't go there demanding answers. Just simply ask and let him do the rest. If he doesn't want to talk about it yet, let it go until he's ready. Just from what you've told me, he won't be able to keep it in for long. It seems like he cares for you too much to hold on to secrets."
Castiel hummed in agreement and looked down at his watch. In the process, he noticed his plate was empty except for some crumbs. He gave a little laugh. "I didn't even realize I ate my entire sandwich."
Joshua stood up, taking the plate with him. "Unburdening one's problems can cause you to work up an appetite."
He handed the plate to the waitress at the counter who in turn handed a box to Joshua. Joshua walked back over to the table as Castiel was putting on his coat.
"Here, a little something sweet for you and your young man on the house." he said as he gave Castiel the styrofoam container. Castiel peeked inside to see two pieces of cherry pie.
"Cherry pie is Dean's favorite." Castiel smiled at the café owner.
"Is it? Well good thing I decided to make that flavor today." he winked and waved Castiel off.
As Castiel opened the door to step outside, Joshua called out to him. "Castiel, in the end, no matter what secrets or revelations that come to light, you're going to have to decide what Dean means to you and what you're willing to sacrifice for him."
Castiel shivered but convinced himself it was just from the cold.
Later that night, Dean came over to Castiel's apartment after work, settling down on the couch with a sigh, exhaustion heavy on his face.
"Dean, you should be in bed, not here." Castiel scolded but bent down to remove Dean's work books.
Dean gave a noncommittal response. It only took moments before Dean was asleep, snoring softly. Castiel sighed and covered him up with an afghan from the back of the couch.
While Dean slept, Castiel padded around the apartment, straightening up before starting on dinner. It was while he was finishing up the homemade beef stew that arms slid around Castiel's waist pulling him back into a warm, solid chest.
Dean kissed the side of Castiel's neck before stifling a yawn. He sniffed the air appreciatively. "That smells good. I'm starved."
Castiel hummed softly before turning around in his arms to give him a quick kiss. "Grab the plates and we'll start eating. You'll even get a piece of pie for dessert."
Castiel's chest tightened at the way Dean's eyes sparkled at the word "pie" and how he hurried to help Castiel.
Dean passed him a couple of plates to Castiel, who scooped out white rice and ladled the beef stew over the top of it. Once they sat at the table, they ate in companionable silence, enjoying their food.
"You want to do something tomorrow?" Dean asked around a mouthful of stew.
Castiel looked up at Dean and frowned. "That's when you have lunch with Sam."
Dean's eyes skittered away from his face. "I can skip one Sunday."
"Dean."
He still wouldn't look up at Castiel. Instead, he picked up his empty plate and took it to the sink.
"Dean, talk to me." Castiel winced at the pleading note in his voice. The last thing he wanted to do was push Dean especially since it was painful for him, but he wanted to know so he could help.
"I know you're avoiding Sam because he wants you to speak with a client."
Dean's shoulders tensed. "Did he tell you that? Did he tell you why?" his voice cracked.
Castiel stood up and walked over to Dean, taking his hand. "Actually I talked to Gabriel and he wouldn't tell me why. He said I should ask you." Castiel brought Dean's hand to his lips, kissing the knuckles.
"Will you tell me?" he asked softly.
Dean's body tensed up even tighter as if it would snap. Castiel felt a rush of uncertainty at the turmoil Dean was in.
"You don't have to if you-"
Dean cut Castiel off. "No, I need to. It would just be better to get it over with." The tension eased from Dean's body but it was clear that it was with defeat, not relief.
Castiel squeezed his hand and led him to the living room. Once settled on the couch, Dean was quiet for a few moments until he started to talk.
"Ever since my mom died, my dad never was the same. After the initial shock of losing her, he tried for a while to be a good father like before she died, but something would always remind him of her and he would start drinking. Over the years, he gave up any pretense of being a father and would go on alcoholic sprees that would last for days. I always tried to protect Sammy from it by sending him off on an errand or to a friend's house. I didn't want him to see or hear Dad scream at me for looking just like her. Sometimes he would get so drunk, he would actually think I was her and that's when things would get bad."
Castiel huddled closer to Dean, wrapping his arms around him as Dean struggled to find the words to continue his story.
"When he thought I was her, it always started with cries and begging, asking why she did she leave him but it always ended with fists. After the beating stop, he always sobered up enough to realize what he had done and would take off for days, sometimes weeks at a time with no word. At this time, we were traveling around while he did odd jobs, so when he was gone, it would be up to me to figure out how to feed Sammy and me or get books for school. Let's just say, I got really good at slipping in and out of places to get what we needed even though I did get caught a couple times in the beginning.
Then one day I had to stay after school for detention. Instead of waiting for me, Sam went back to the motel we were staying at. When he got there, Dad was there, first time in two weeks and he was drunk. Since I wasn't there, Dad decided to take out his problems on Sam."
Dean broke off, clamping his eyes shut, trembling. Castiel felt nauseous at what Dean and Sam had to go through. Castiel knew that his own father would never win any father of the year awards, but Chuck would never intentionally be cruel or hurt him. Castiel always knew Chuck loved him.
"What happened next?" Castiel asked, his lips brushing Dean's temple.
"When I got back to the motel and saw what Dad was doing to Sam, I lost it. To be honest, I don't remember much. Sam later told me that I attacked Dad and knocked him down. I do remember him hitting his head on the edge of the TV stand and not getting back up. I freaked out. I grabbed Sammy and we took off in the Impala. It was a few days later that I found out that Dad had died and the authorities were looking for me because someone in the parking lot of the motel saw me taking off with Sam who was in pretty bad shape. We weren't in hiding for long before Bobby found us, but by that time, the police did too."
"Oh Dean…" Castiel didn't know what to say so he just gripped him tighter. Castiel's gut clenched and he didn't want to hear anymore but Dean kept talking.
"The case wasn't investigated very well because they felt like it was an open and shut case. We were nobodies. A drunk died and his delinquent son would go to jail for manslaughter. That's when Bobby made a call to Lafitte to come represent me."
"Lafitte?" Castiel knew it couldn't have been Benny since they were all around the same age.
"Benny's father. He got them to do a toxicology report and in the end, it was alcohol poisoning that killed him, not the bump to the head. All the charges were dropped and we were put in Bobby's custody. Still, none of that matters, I failed to protect Sam and I killed my own father."
Castiel pulled away from him to look him fully in the face. "You listen to me, Dean Winchester. You did not kill your father. You did nothing wrong. Your father was wrong. He might have lost his wife, but he was still blessed with two wonderful sons and he fucked it up." Castiel heard Dean's shaky intake of breath at his cursing. "Everything he did, that's on him, not you. How is it right to have a boy raise his younger brother when he's just a child himself. Now I understand why Sam idolizes you. You're not only his big brother, but his father too."
Dean pushed away from Castiel but didn't get up from the couch. Instead he looked down at the floor, hiding his wet eyes. "Don't try to defend me. I end up fucking everything up. I couldn't keep Sammy from getting hurt and I couldn't save my own father. I'm nothing." Dean's voice cracked at the last part, his body trembling violently from suppressing the sobs there were so close to the surface.
Castiel cupped Dean's face. "You are the most selfless person I know and you are far from being nothing. You are everything to so many people. Don't you realize how many people love you, that would do anything for you? What would you say to Bobby or Sam when they tell you how important you are and how much they love you? Would you just mock them? Not trust them to know a good and honorable person when they meet one?"
Then Castiel took a deep breath and made sure he had Dean's full attention. "What about me Dean? What would you do if I said I love you and you mean everything to me?"
Dean's eyes grew wide with the confession before his face crumpled, sobs wracking his body. He pulled Castiel roughly to him and buried his face in Castiel's neck. Castiel, his own face wet with tears, felt helpless on how to take all the pain away.
Then a thought came to him. He couldn't take the pain away but he knew of a way to help soothe it.
Balthazar, I need you, Castiel prayed silently.
And just like that, despite the long absence, Balthazar was suddenly there, sitting on the other side of Dean, his eyes suspiciously moist. Castiel didn't have to say a word, Balthazar already knew what to do. Even though Dean didn't know the angel was there, the effect was the same. Balthazar rubbed circles into Dean's back with one hand while the other ran through his hair, murmuring soothing nonsense into his ear until Dean relaxed and fell into a healing sleep in Castiel's arms.
Castiel and Balthazar didn't break the silence that had fallen over the room, but he did reach over and cupped the side of Castiel's head in affection like he normally did, but this time it was accompanied by a small tingle.
Then memories started flooding Castiel, memories from when he was very small, a blonde haired man that was always there when his father wasn't able to be. Balthazar did the same thing for Castiel when he was small and when he was an adult when his father had died.
Balthazar had always been there…for him, not his father.
That's when Castiel realized that Balthazar was to him like Dean was to Sam.
A brother and a father.
I know it's been forever since the last chapter, but I want to thank everybody that is still sticking to this story. I'm sorry I haven't been responding to reviews, but thank you so much for them and I love you all.
I'm sorry the Balthazar portion was so small, but the next chapter, a portion of it will be in his pov.
Also, I know next to nothing about the legal system so take what you read with a grain of salt.
Thank you for reading!