The second Sam heard Dean and Cas come home, he got off his bed and walked over to Dean's room. He saw the closed door and thought better of going in. He didn't need to bother Dean with his problems. He really shouldn't be bothering anyone at all. Period.
He walked back to his room and sat on his bed. That kiss was in his head and under his skin. What had Gabriel done? Sam started pacing the length of his room. He wanted to rip his hair out. Why did Gabe kiss him? He couldn't possibly...no.
Sam's phone rang. He ended the call without even looking at the caller ID. He knew it was Gabriel calling. Again. But he couldn't talk to him. Gabe had rejected Sam flat out and just, what? Changed his mind? He couldn't deal with him. He needed to tell Dean. Dean would just let Gabriel waltz right in if he didn't know what happened. Hell, he might let Gabriel waltz right in anyway.
Sam got up and went back over to Dean's door.
He heard Dean say, "That's not what I mean. Shit."
Sam backed away from the door slowly. Dean was busy. He didn't have time for Sam's shit. Sam retreated back to his room. His phone rang again. He was tempted to rip the battery out. Each ring made Sam feel a little bit more insane, a little closer to the edge. How was this even happening? He just wanted relief.
Gabe had been that relief, but then everything went to shit. If Gabriel did feel that way about Sam, he should have said something. He should have...but he couldn't feel anything towards Sam. He couldn't possibly feel anything towards such a monster. How could anyone feel anything towards someone who saw their abuser's evil smile every time they closed their eyes? How could anyone love someone so broken, so decrepit, so inhuman, so...unclean as Sam Winchester?
Sam's phone beeped. Gabriel had resorted to texting.
"Sam. Answer your phone."
"Please, talk to me."
"I'm sorry."
"Text me, please."
"Sam."
"Sam. Answer. Now."
Sam's phone rang again, and he ignored it.
The next text read, "Don't do this. Please. I meant to tell you. Don't make me do this via text. Talk to me."
Sam tossed his phone in his laundry hamper and fought the urge to put his fist through the drywall. He needed to talk to somebody. He went out in the hall to see if Dorothy was still out in the living room. She was, but Dorothy had put her book aside and was sleeping with Charlie passed out in her lap. He hesitantly walked back to Dean's room. It was quiet. Sam heard his phone ringing from the laundry basket, swallowed his pride, and crossed his fingers.
He knocked on the door. There was no answer. Shit. Shit. Shitshitshit.
Sam opened the door and walked in.
"Sam," Dean said, separating himself from Cas, "What the hell?"
Sam let out a sigh of relief that they still had clothes on. He thanked whatever deities were listening that he had yet to see anything his innocent eyes couldn't handle.
"Sorry. Gabriel kissed me," Sam said.
Dean grinned widely, "Way to go."
"No," Sam said, "He's...it's...I can't...I don't..." Dean sat Sam down where he had been sitting next to Cas.
"Hey, Sammy. It's okay. Slow down," Dean said.
Sam took a breath and felt Cas wrap him in a hug. That was about all Sam could take. He'd told Gabe things that he'd never told anyone, things he would never say out loud again. He hugged Cas and tried to avoid getting tears on Cas' shirt. Why did Gabriel have to kiss him? Why did he have to kiss Gabriel? Everything was so much easier when he was just stuck with Lucifer...Luci.
Sam felt Dean's hand on his back.
He sat up and tried to compose himself. Dean put his reassuring hand on Sam's shoulder.
"You want to tell us what happened, or do you want to do something to take your mind off of it?" Dean asked.
"I don't really want to talk about it," Sam said.
Dean nodded, "Alright. You want a distraction? We could play Risk or something."
Sam recognized what Dean was trying to do. Risk was the one game Sam and Dean would always play and never say no to. Turning down Risk was like turning down air. It didn't happen unless serious shit was going down.
Sam shook his head reluctantly. Dean stared at Sam, dumbfounded.
"I just don't want you letting Gabriel in the apartment. He's been trying to talk to me, and I just...I can't," Sam said.
Dean sighed, "Are you sure you should be avoiding him? Obviously Gabriel didn't handle himself very well, but are you sure this is-"
"Yes. I'm sure. I told him how I felt, and he wanted to be friends. He only kissed me because of what I was saying to him."
"What were you-"
"I'm not talking about it," Sam said flatly.
Cas gave Sam a concerned look and said, "We're here if you do want to talk about it...or anything."
"Seriously, Sam. You can tell us about anything. We're here for you," Dean added.
Sam hugged his brother in an attempt to stop him worrying so much. Truthfully, Dean had a right to be worried. Everyone did. Sam felt like a time bomb. Given enough time, and he would destroy everyone and everything he'd ever cared about.
As he got up to leave, Sam saw a flicker of guilt in Dean's eyes, and he just wanted to smack him for it. This was not Dean's fault. This was not on Dean in the slightest. This was Sam's fault. He finally got what he wanted. He didn't want to bring Gabriel down with his shit. Now, they wouldn't even be friends, and he wouldn't be a burden to Gabriel at all. He couldn't say the same for Dean or Cas or the girls, but it was a start.
Sam retreated to his room and retrieved his phone from the laundry. More missed calls and texts. He still didn't answer. He deserved this pain. He fell in love with his best friend who he should never have even met. The only thing he truly deserved was Luci. But he couldn't go back to him. His aching arm and ribs were a testament to that.
He wouldn't have any way to know if Luci was alright now. Kali would tell Gabe, but Gabe wouldn't be able to tell Sam. Sam was starting to realize, though, that he didn't really care. If Luci died, it would be his fault, but everything else already was. What was one more fuck-up in his mountain of horrible everything? And that made him hate himself more. If he truly didn't care about Luci's death or self-harm or anything, he should've left months ago. He should've left Luci before he and Gabriel had anything to talk about. Then, he wouldn't be in this mess. His arm probably wouldn't be broken and throbbing. Gabriel would be nothing to him other than a random stranger like he should've been.
Sam stayed in his room for the rest of the night. Every time he fell asleep, he awoke with his heart pounding from another night under Luci's control. His dreams started changing as the night wore on. He was always being beaten, he was always being hurt, but by the time dawn arrived, Sam was also haunted by Gabriel's horrified expression from witnessing Sam's psyche.
The next day dragged. Dean tried to coax him out for breakfast, but Sam insisted on trying to sleep. When he said he hadn't slept well the night before, it was only happenstance that he wasn't lying. Really, Sam spent the morning staring at his wall.
He kept hearing Gabriel's words. "I mean it." He just wanted it all to stop. He wanted to sleep without dreaming. He wanted to live without hurting. He just wanted it all to stop.
Cas came in around noon and sat with Sam for a while. He didn't talk or say anything. He just waited.
Eventually, Sam sat up and looked at Cas. Cas must've been sitting there for at least an hour.
Sam asked slowly, "Is Gabe really in love with me?"
Cas gave him a small smile. "Yeah," he said, "He is."
Sam sat against the wall at the corner of his bed.
"Why?" Sam asked.
Cas shrugged, "That's something you'll have to ask him."
Right. Made sense. Except Gabe had already told him. He loved Sam for Sam. Sam nodded to Cas and laid back down facing the wall.
When he didn't come out for dinner, Dean brought food to Sam.
"What food do you want? I will literally make you anything you want," Dean said.
Sam didn't know what he was going to do. He couldn't do anything. He'd be perfectly fine wasting away in his room. Everything was broken. Absolutely everything. The only reason he couldn't just disappear into the universe was Dean. And Cas. And Charlie and Dorothy.
Sam sat up and said, "I'll eat whatever you'll make. I promise."
Dean gave him a skeptical once over. "Cheeseburgers?" he offered.
Sam said, "Sure. Sounds good."
Dean nodded slowly and left without another word. He needed to be okay for Dean. He needed to be okay for everyone. So, he did what he'd done to hide the pain from Luci. He slapped a smile on his face and walked out of his room to the rest of his family, not letting anyone see how rapidly his soul was dying. He knew it wasn't healthy, but Sam was an expert at faking being okay. The few weeks that he hadn't been at Luci's mercy couldn't have hurt his façade that bad.
Sam ate the burger Dean made for him, and even though he felt like he was going to puke it all up later due to his unsettled stomach, he still ate the whole thing. After dinner, he went back to his room to lie down, or at least that's what he told everyone else. When Sam shut his door, he lay down and stared at the ceiling.
His phone rang again. This time, Sam answered it.
"Sam?" Gabe said.
Sam didn't say anything. He held the phone to his head but said nothing.
"Sam, are you there?" Gabe asked.
Sam stayed silent. Honestly, he'd only answered so the phone would stop ringing. Hearing Gabriel's voice hurt. But Sam deserved it. He deserved every ounce of pain he got. He was hurting everyone around him; it was only fair that they should hurt him, too.
Gabe said, "Sam, I don't know if you picked up, but I'm sorry. I shouldn't have...I don't know. I should've told you sooner. I didn't think that you would be able to handle hearing it so soon after...I didn't want to be...I was selfish...you're probably not even there. I'm so sorry, Sam."
Sam felt like he was going to cry again, but he held it back. He'd hold it all back until he was numb if he had to. How amazing it would be to feel numb.
"Talk to me, Sam," Gabe begged.
Sam snapped his phone shut.
It rang again instantly. Sam left it on his bed as he started to pace again.
When he got closer to the door, Sam heard Charlie say, "Maybe we can organize getting them together. I'll take one squadron to Gabriel's and you can keep the rest of the troops here to keep an eye on Sam. We might need some artillery, but we can fix this. I'm sure of it."
Sam sighed. All he wanted to do was curl up on his bed, get rid of his fucking phone, and die. It was the only way he'd ever get any relief. He poked his head out into the hall and saw Charlie and Dean bent over what looked like a Risk board. Were they really strategically planning about this?
Sam slunk back into his room. He didn't want to know what they were doing.
His phone was ringing again.
"Sam? Sam, tell me you're there," Gabe said when Sam answered again.
He lay down in bed with his phone open next to him. He couldn't say anything. He was starting to understand that Gabriel did feel something for him, but that wasn't okay. He was going to ruin Gabriel's life. He sort of had already. Distance was the only solution at this point.
Gabe said, sounding far away, "Please, talk to me. I'm so sorry. I just need to hear your voice, Sam. Just one word. Please."
Sam was so close. He wanted to pick up the phone and say Gabe's name and have everything be okay. But nothing was ever going to be okay. He snapped the phone shut again and removed the battery from the back.
Another long night later, Sam woke up, drenched in sweat. The dreams were worse. Lucifer was killing Gabriel, over and over and over again, choking the life from him on repeat. Then, Sam was Lucifer. Killing Gabriel. Beating Dean within an inch of his life. Falling into nothing but darkness.
Sam went to the bathroom and splashed water in his face.
Dean was already up making breakfast.
"I'm going to go for a walk," Sam said as he passed Dean in the kitchen.
"Do you want company?" Dean offered.
Sam shook his head with a false grin, "No, it's okay. I might go see Gabe. I don't know. I'll be back eventually."
Dean beamed at Sam, "Have fun."
Sam nodded and grabbed his jacket. When he walked outside, he felt a little guilty.
He had no intention of seeing Gabriel, but he needed to get out of the apartment. He needed space, fresh air, and a new life. He just wanted out of the cage he'd put himself in. This was all his fault. He had no one else to blame. Sam walked without direction and wished it would all just end.