He stood up and looked into the kitchen, checking I wasn't on the floor and then headed up stairs with Spike fast on his heels, they checked the bedrooms and closets; they couldn't find me and a search of outside in the garden was useless too. They gathered back into the living room where Parker and Jules were calling me non-stop with no luck. Spike and Sam both picked up their phones again and watched the video, looking for any clues as who had sent it to everyone. Wordy arrived back with Ed as they had done a check of the local area and found no sign of me.

"You won't find her guys, one of the training cycles she would have done is Evasion and she was really good at it the first time around. Boss – we need to get this to Spike's lab to find out where it came from."

Parker looked at his team and nodded at what Sam had said.

"Guys, there is one thing that might make things easier for you. I walked in on her in the kitchen as she was getting video messages sent to her –I thought it was maybe from Afghan, from some friends – but she didn't look right. I asked her about it and she went blank on me, but she did say that she would speak to you about it Spike." He said shrugging his shoulders.

"If she got similar messages then I can do a check of her phone back at the barn – our phones are linked for GPS and I can trace the caller ID and location," Spike replied looking up.

"Alright guys, Sam and Spike to SRU, everyone else head home – nothing we can do but keep your phones on in case we need support; remember it's our early tomorrow so meet everyone at briefing at 5am!" Ed said aloud.

Everyone just stood there and with a final couple words of encouragement they sorted the room out and headed off to do what they needed that night, Parker talked to Spike for a moment before he left and Spike was handling this lot better than first thought.

"She's told me a lot about this tour around boss, she is off her meds and has had no issues for four weeks – things have changed in her and I am guessing it because she dealt with things over in the desert. She didn't run out of fear tonight, she needed time to deal with what I think she overheard when we got the messages. I know she is alright – she'll be there for work in the morning!" he said positively.

"How do you really know that Spike?" chipped in Ed.

Spike held his phone out to them both; I had sent a message to him.

'Sorry to leave the party guys – needed some air after a phone call. Will see you tomorrow at the barn xx'

They all looked at each other and felt some of the tension go out their systems; they obviously knew I was wounded in my first tour – but to see it in living colour via a helmcam was a very different experience. Spike headed off with Sam once the house was clear of everyone and he was doing something crazy with his phone to check out system information; Sam was driving and keeping tight lipped over the video.

"You alright buddy? I know that video must have been a shock!"

He was watching Spike for delayed shock or stress – it had been bad for him to pull me off the wire after the bomb, but for Spike who had never seen active military combat but understood bombs and shockwaves – it was a nightmare.

"I've seen and felt bomb blasts before Sam – she was lucky and not vaporised," he replied.

Sam nodded and looked back to the road; he knew Spike was keeping his emotions in check this time round and he was impressed – he knew how passionate Spike was as an Italian and a partner – he knew how much he loved me and how fiercely he fought for me.

When the boss told everyone I had left and they couldn't find a trace of me Spike broke down; he was a mess for a good couple of weeks and the support of the others was the only thing keeping him going. He barely ate and was basically a walking zombie; some nights drunk as a skunk and it was always Sam who picked him up and brought him home. I was in a similar crash – my emotions were bottled up due to my location, coming out at night to give me nightmares that would rival any horror film going; I worked myself to exhaustion and trained harder and faster. It was over a month since my arrival when I was pulled off a patrol to go help deliver a baby in the local village – the raw emotion of bringing a baby into the world was enough for me to crawl out my hole and get help from my squad – that's the only thing that saved me as they were going to send me back in a rubber plane if I didn't snap out of it.

I cried for two days as I headed home and the raw emotional joy of seeing everyone at the SRU was proof that I belonged there and I would fight for every one of them.

Then Spike, jeez I didn't think I would have been able to walk today!

"I'm good Sam, things are better and we talked a lot – she knows my pain and I know now what she went through on tour – how the hell do you survive that recovery? It was bad with Lou and I knew by her scream that she cared for her friends!" Spike whispered coming back to the present.

He had thought of Lou, how he screamed and cried for hours as Greg held him – how he tried to go back and help his friend only to be eventually sedated and dragged back to the SUV by his friends. Sam looked at him and frowned, he had first-hand experience of what I was like during recovery moments after the blast – maybe Spike hearing about it would help him?

"She screamed for hours; she felt useless and was pretty heavily doped up for a few days due to the incident. Then the numbness and stages of grief came – she was a handful to deal with to begin with but she started to deal with the fallout; she learned to heal, learned to accept and learned to live again. I saw with her grief and recovery what you dealt with when Lou died – that's why I was there every step. Then she joined the SRU, you guys fell in icky love and with all the crap going on – you two have just got stronger and stronger. That is what makes it worth for me to fight – survivors heal and learn!"

They both looked at each other and a comfortable silence started as they made their way across town towards the SRU.

On the streets on Toronto

The minute I had heard the comms traffic come from their phones I knew it was that day I lost my team; I took deep breathes and shoved it to the back of my mind – the memories couldn't harm me. I got off the floor and grabbed a jumper and climbed down the outside drain through the bathroom window; making a beeline for the pathway I started to jog away from the house. I knew that I needed to kick something hard; I had got pissed off during the call and it really wasn't that a great of an ending. 'No' I thought to myself – I wasn't going down the darkness again, I was moving forward and living my life with my family and Spike. About five blocks from the house I stopped and leaned against the wall to catch my breath; I was in the park district and maybe about five miles to the barn on foot if I took the bridge walkway; I caught my breath and then started walking in that direction with a view to go for a long swim to relax once I arrived.

An hour later I arrived in the SRU and noticed Keira was away doing some copying for reports and I left a message for her to let anyone arriving that I was fine and just relaxing; I headed to the changing room and grabbed my swim bag and ducked into the corridor that took me to the huge Underwater Training Simulator used by the teams to keep fit. I heard the Scuba training had been called off due to my departure and a lot of people were disappointed – I logged into my system in the library and scheduled a time for people to join up the course again – within thirty seconds I had over ten people messaging me with various messages like 'OMG your back?' and 'Where have you been xx?' I smiled as I logged out and headed to get changed in the pool area. By the time I got into the dressing room I was really feeling too tired to go swimming, and to be honest I was feeling a little out of the mood and the UTS was not a place if your faculties were shaken. I grabbed my stuff and turned back around to the library; this would be better on me and I could catch up on any big issues happening. Since I joined the SRU they kept an updated library of journals for me and I pried over every single one for training materials and new techniques – it wasn't the first time that we had been so caught up on reading after a long shift that the next time someone came in was to say it was two days later and our shift was about to start!

A couple of hours later I was fast asleep after making huge notes on the computer about recent trauma care and even finding an article about myself in the Critical Incidents Newsletter. A photo of me was inserted at the side, the one taken for my record and I noticed the differences in myself from then today – it was quite shocking to see how broken I looked while today, while now, I felt strong, supported and in control again. I was leaning over the desk fast asleep and dead to the world when someone stopped behind me and sighed as he reached for his cellphone.

"Spike, come to the library – yeah she's fine – asleep – alright buddy will do." He replied to his questions.

I didn't feel a thing as I was lifted up into Sam's arms and carried to the first aid room where there was a truckle bed and blankets. Spike joined us and sighed; Sam smirked and hid a laugh in a quiet cough.

"Yeah, Jules does the same to me buddy. She's just exhausted and will need something hot to eat when she wakes up to give her energy a boost since she didn't eat that much. I'll text everyone and let them know she is alright and will see them in the morning – just give her support – readjusting to civilization is not easy on medics – just be patient." He whispered as he closed the door.

Spike looked at the closed door and laughed gently before climbing into the bed beside me and holding me close.