Eventually, the cold started to annoy Sam. He headed back to the apartment.

His arm twinged in his cast, a constant reminder of his own failure. There was a small voice at the back of his mind telling him to bear the pain as penance for his stupidity, but he knew he should probably take a pain pill to stop the throbbing. Instead, he ignored the pain of his slowly healing bones. When Sam got back to the apartment, no one was home. So much the better. Sam could put himself through as much pain as he wanted without anyone being the wiser.

Dean's disappointment flashed before his eyes. How many times did he have to let his brother down in one lifetime? Gabe's pained voice rang in his ears. Sam clenched his teeth through the intensifying ache of his broken limb. Dammit, he needed a pain pill. He thought of Charlie and Dorothy telling him it was Gabe's loss that they weren't together. He thought of them telling him he could do better than Luci. As if he deserved better than that. He felt a tear fall from his tired eyes as he wished he could deserve better than Luci.

He thought of Gabriel and his lopsided grin, thought of Lucifer snapping his arm out of jealousy of Sam's friend. As much as he had wished he'd have a shot with Gabe, it wouldn't be fair to him. Sam was damaged goods. He was poison. He was broken beyond repair in ways Gabriel didn't even know about. He wasn't capable of the care Gabe should receive. He'd just drag the poor man down with him. He wasn't even sure if he knew how to love. He just felt so damn hollow. He wished it could just stop.

Sam stifled a whimper as his arm became too much to handle. He got up and grabbed his pill bottle from the bathroom. Sitting on his bed, he tried to stop fantasizing about being with Gabe. It would never happen, and he needed to accept that. Gabe deserved someone strong and caring, not a weak basket case like Sam. He was worse than weak, he was worthless. Everyone knew it, even Sam knew it. Luci was just the only one to say it. What was the point of anything if all he did was hurt the people he cared about?

He popped a pain killer in his mouth and swallowed it down with a gulp of water. He disappointed his brother, his friends, and himself time and time again. He was completely worthless, a total burden to everyone. Was it too much to ask for a few pain free moments? Apparently so. He should've bashed his head in, in that alley months ago. None of this would've happened. Every moment Sam was alive, he made everything worse no matter what he did. He wasn't worth the love his family gave him. Even if Gabe did miraculously and foolishly return his affections, he'd constantly feel guilty for being so undeserving of any of it. He was garbage. Gabe needed better than used up, broken garbage.

How could he have let himself break this far? There was nothing left for him to look forward to except the passage of time so he could maybe one day have the strength to look in the mirror without feeling the urge to strangle himself. And what a waste of time that would be. What a waste of life he was. At least that was something he could fix.

He popped another pain pill. Everyone could do better than him. They deserved a better person in his place. It was for the best, really. Dean could feel free to publicly show his feelings for Cas, Charlie and Dorothy could finally have the apartment free of the moping mess that Sam was, Gabe could find something useful to do with his time rather than listen to Sam's bullshit. He could find something, someone better. It'd be good for everyone.

He swallowed another pill. Best of all, Sam would finally stop hurting. He wouldn't have to force himself to stop remembering Luci, the good and the bad. He wouldn't have to force himself to get over Gabriel. He wouldn't have to see that look in Dean's eyes when he found out about what Luci had been doing, all that confusion and rage and judgment. He couldn't deal with seeing that pity and self-blame. He knew Dean blamed himself for what happened with Luci and he didn't even know the half of it. Gabriel was the only saving grace in all of this, and he couldn't be that grace anymore. Even if they worked everything out, even if they somehow got together, Gabe couldn't be there for Sam every second of every day.

Sometimes you have to do what's best for you even if it's going to hurt the ones you love. And God, Sam didn't want to hurt anymore. It didn't matter if that kiss was meant to make Sam feel better or if Gabriel really did feel something for Sam. He was too broken for anything, for anyone. Even though he might not see it, he'd be saving Gabriel pain. He'd be saving them all from the pain he'd bring them. He couldn't keep hurting everyone he cared about. Every time it happened, he hated himself more. And he hated himself enough already. He couldn't do it anymore. He was tired. Waking up took effort. Dying would be a relief.

He took another pill. He wouldn't have to watch everyone be happy without him.

Another pain pill.

Before he started feeling sick, Sam pulled out a piece of paper and tried to decide what to write as his last words to his family. It had to be something to make them understand.

Fifteen pills later, Sam lay down on his bed with a folded note in his hand that read: Please, understand. I did it, all of it, for you. Sorry.

He heard a small, "Sam?"

Starting at the edges, Sam's vision fogged hazily before it all turned to black.

Finally. Relief.