first time - lifehouse
For a long time, the only times Jackson has noticed Stiles have been when he gets into trouble, or fucks up in lacrosse practice, or stares wistfully at Lydia (and Jackson will admit to kissing her right then, just so that Stiles can see). And even the times he did notice him, it was with little more than a cursory glance.
The first time Jackson directs more than a cursory glance at Stiles is also the moment when he falls in love with him. How disgustingly clichéd is that? How overused and stupid. But true. And unfortunately for Jackson, this is when he first realises that Stiles will direct no more than a momentary, condescending look at him, like he is the lowest scum on earth. Which, to be honest, he probably is. But that doesn't mean he can't dream.
And when he dreams, it's all about Stiles. Every last minute of it. Even when he has nightmares, Stiles still manages to turn up in them. Usually dying, making Jackson wake up in a cold sweat with Stiles' name on his lips. And it's not just nightmares that make him wake up like that.
The first time he sees Stiles in a different light, it is when they're fighting the Alpha. He sees Stiles' bravery, and is flooded with a desire to be like him. Loyal, brave, witty. Nothing like Jackson, who is fickle with his friendships, cowardly and completely not funny. That's the first night that Stiles appears in his dreams. And the next day, if Stiles thinks that he won't look him in the eye because of the night before, then so be it.
The first time he jerks off to imagining Stiles is a few months later. This thing he has for Stiles has grown, expanded beyond his control. He can't look Stiles in the eye; he doesn't think he'll ever be able to again. He is so completely and utterly screwed it's unbelievable. He even thinks that Lydia suspects something and, oh God, he hopes not.
Because he doesn't quite know what it is that infects him. Why Stiles, of all people, he might ask himself. But he knows the answer. And, although he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to, because he is screwed for fucking life. He's never going to get over this.
The first time he hears Stiles suggest killing him is like a knife to his heart. Stiles wants him dead. His heart sinks and his head fills with despair. He may as well be dead if Stiles hates him so much as to want him to die.
After the kanima problem is solved, he wants to talk to Stiles. But Stiles has gone, goddamnit. Scott shrugs when Jackson asks him where Stiles is likely to be. Some bloody use he is, Jackson thinks. He goes home, and tries not to picture Stiles' face when Lydia saved him through love. It's because he loves her, not me, he tells himself.
The first time Stiles comes to Jackson's window, Jackson can smell the drink on him. 'You're drunk,' he tells Stiles, who shrugs.
'Not really,' he replies. His eyes are dark, pupils large and deep. And all Jackson wants to do is kiss him. But Stiles beats him to it. 'Lydia told me,' he explains, between desperate kisses. 'She said you were moping, and ordered me to cheer you up.' Jackson makes a mental note to thank Lydia. 'She actually said 'go there and make out with him. God knows you both want it badly enough',' Jackson huffs a laugh into Stiles' mouth. Stiles kisses him, again, on his mouth, his cheek, his chin, his neck.
The first time Jackson holds Stiles' hand is the day after, at school. Stiles goes bright red, but doesn't pull his hand away.