A/N: Sorry about the delay. Finals...academy preparation...rehearsals...travel...life...*sigh* Thank you for all the comments from the last chapter! We had a guest come close to guessing this step in Jane's and Maura's travels with Judo...but hats off to mrj726 who guessed correctly! The fitness facility I describe in the chapter is actually the Brazilian Top Team Training Academy...but they don't allow women in...so I thought I would put it under the control of Royler Gracie. Hope you all enjoy the chapter!

We've been in Rio de Janeiro for a few days now, exploring the neighborhood around our hotel, seeing some of the sites, but mostly taking the time to recover from the flight.

Good lord...that flight.

It took a little over twenty-six hours to fly straight from London to this Brazilian city. I don't know how the people in coach survived. Even with our fancy accommodations in first class, I was going out of my mind. At one point, I considered opening the emergency exit and jumping out.

But, we're here now.

The city is incredible. It's been built into cliffs and mountains and around lagoons; all in the midst of a tropical forest. The city is rough and vibrant; it is in obvious decay but thriving at the same time. Hotels and apartments shoot up out of sheer rock faces and the slums creep up toward them like lichen. The crowding reminds me a little of Thailand, but I'm much more relaxed now than I was back then. I'm able to enjoy myself much more.

On our third morning, Maura woke me with a kiss and breakfast in bed. She told me that I had a busy day ahead of me and wanted to make sure that I had 'adequate sustenance'.

We got ready and after a short but scenic trip through part of the city, we arrived at an enormous fitness facility; it easily filled a city block. It was luxurious, complete with; tennis courts, swimming pools, workout rooms, and a restaurant. As we exit our vehicle and walk in through the main entrance, I catch sight of a large emblem that reads, 'Gracie Jiu-Jitsu Rio de Janeiro Brazil.

This brings me to my current state of awe.

No way.

She's brought me to a Gracie jiu-jitsu camp!

I stop in my tracks and reread the banner a few more times out of disbelief.

I first heard of jiu jitsu and the Gracie family through the world of mixed martial arts. I like keeping up on the sport, mostly because I really admire the time and effort that the fighters dedicate to their disciplines. I remember the first time I watched a Gracie fight in a vale tudo, or 'anything goes', match. He went up against a mammoth of a man. It was literally like watching David and Goliath on pay per view. The much smaller Gracie twisted and manipulated the giant until he eventually won the fight by submission. And that was it...I was a jiu jitsu believer.

I had always wanted to start training back in Boston, but time just got away from me and I never pursued it.

Maura's hand on my elbow pulls me from my stupor.

"Jane? Do you like it?"

I turn to her. She's sporting a hopeful smile but her body language betrays her uncertainty.

"You brought me here to train jiu jitsu at a Gracie camp?"

She nods her head.

"Yes. Royler Gracie is the son of the world renowned Helio Gracie and he is in charge of the Rio de Janeiro academy. He hosts international camps, like this one, on a regular basis. Fighters and enthusiast from all over the world come to train here. I've arranged for a private instructor to work with you for the next few days. Is that okay? You don't have to if you don't want to, of course."

Her face has fallen and she now looks downright nervous.

I realize that my shock has kept me from showing my happiness and excitement. A smile breaks out on my face and I wrap her in a hug.

"I love it. This is absolutely amazing, Maur."

I pull back and look down at her.

"Thank you, so much. For everything."

She lets out a small relieved sigh and gives me a pleased smile.

I'm tempted to lean down and kiss her...just a quick little innocent peck...but before I can act, she takes hold of my hand and starts to pull me toward a row of tables on the other end of the room.

"Lets find out where you need to check in at."

One check in, one hour, and one generic uniform later, I find myself in a large open room that is covered in mats and padding. It's the main training area for the jiu jitsu fighters. I sit down on the floor and begin to stretch.

There are about twenty other people sharing the space with me. Small groups of three or four of them appear to have matching uniforms and I assume that they are part of a team...more than likely here to work with an instructor as a crew.

I peek over and catch sight of Maura. She's sitting in stadium-like seating that overlooks the massive area. She waves enthusiastically at me when our eyes meet and I smile in response before turning my attention back to warming up.

After several more minutes, a man about my height and weight steps up and introduces himself as my coach. I'm pleased to find that he is fluent in English and his accent is not hard to understand. He makes sure that I finish stretching properly, and then we being.

Okay. So...jiu jitsu isn't one of my strong points.

Within seconds of hitting the mat, this man starts wrenching my joints and contorting my body in ways that I didn't know was possibly without my bones splintering into a million pieces. He should really write a book entitled, 'How to Turn a Person Into a Pretzel'.

I had hoped that the decent amount of submission training I received in the police academy would give me an edge, but my coach bypasses all of my tactics as easily as a person steps over a pebble in the middle of a sidewalk.

The whole process is absolutely incredible...albeit a little painful...

Despite the fact that I am completely and totally dominated, it is an amazing experience. I learn about a variety of different holds and locks. He also teaches me about the guard, where one fighter is on their back and trying to control their opponent with their legs, and also how to pass guard. I picked up a lot of techniques that I honestly can't wait to take home and torture my brothers with.

This first session lasts a little over two hours. By the end, I am sore from head to toe and I have completely sweat through my training uniform. However, I am happy.

My instructor praises my efforts and joins me in a post workout stretch. We start talking a little about my previous martial arts training and he's excited to learn about my time at Fairtex. He tells me that he coaches a few vale tudo fighters who have trained there as well.

The more we talk, the more interested he becomes, and he eventually offers to pad up and put me through an afternoon Muay Thai sessions in place of more grappling.

I happily accept his offer. I've really enjoyed learning the strategy behind jiu jitsu, but striking is my passion.

After telling me where to meet him for the day's next session, we break for lunch. I head to a changing area to get out of my soaked uniform and into some fresh clothes before going back out to meet Maura.

I want to conserve as much energy as I can for the coming activity, so Maura and I forgo searching the neighborhood for someplace to eat in favor of getting something at the facility's on-sight restaurant. We excitedly discuss everything about my first lesson over a light meal

Just as we finish eating and are about to leave, a man approaches our table. He's a pretty big guy, but his pleasant smile and demeanor contradict his intimidating physicality.

"Excuse me ladies, sorry to interrupt your lunch. I was sitting with my family a few tables over and heard you talking."

He motions over his shoulder and I look around him to see a woman and two children seated a little ways away.

"I couldn't help but notice the English and lack of an accent. It's nice to see a few other Americans around here."

Maura and I stand and I extend my hand in greeting.

"Likewise. Jane Rizzoli."

He lets go of my hand to take Maura's.

"Maura Isles."

He steps back and nods his head in acknowledgment.

"Sam Baysinger. Nice to meet you, both. I've been coming down here from Seattle for three years now to train with these camp instructors. I swear, they're some of the best in the world. Brought my family along with me this time, we're making a vacation out of it. Where are you two from?"

I open my mouth to answer, but my response gets stuck in my throat as a little girl comes to the man's side and pulls on his sleeve. I watch as he smiles down at her, then lifts her into his arms. She throws her arms around his neck and peers shyly at me.

The change in me is so sudden...I don't have time to prepare. It's like being hit by a train while walking along a dirt path in a forest, or struck by lightning in the midst of a cave...I didn't see it coming.

Her eyes. They're so much like the eyes of a little girl that I couldn't save. That I wasn't fast enough to save. I wasn't thorough enough. I wasn't smart enough. I was not enough.

I failed her. And now she's dead.

Lacy...she's dead.

She's dead

She's dead

She's dead

I am unaware of Maura's response to our visitor or any of the following conversation. I am lost in a sudden flood of pain, anger, disgust, and hatred.

Images flash before my eyes like the rapid explosion of firecrackers.

A strong little child. Alive...sitting on my desk...laughing at my lame jokes...smiling...breathing.

A broken and beaten little body...bloody...lifeless...dead.

Dead

Dead

Dead

My mind fills with the scenes and noises of the things that I wasn't there to witness...wasn't there to stop.

She's being kicked and punched. He's pulling her hair and throwing her against walls.

She's crying and screaming and begging.

It hurts...the emotions are so intense that they cause a tremor to spread throughout my body. I think I'm going to cry...I think I'm going to scream...I think I'm gonna be sick.

I don't want these feelings...I can't take them.

Old habits die hard and I force them down. I reject them. I drown them in a pool of nothingness.

And slowly...I stop feeling them.

I don't feel anything.

This is nice. This is safe. I was on the verge of completely breaking down in the middle of this crowded dining hall, in the middle of a large group of strangers...but I'm fine now.

I'm okay...really...I am...

I'm able to direct my attention back to the conversation at hand and find that Sam and his daughter are departing.

"Well, I was going to see if you wanted to join us but I can see you're just about finished. Maybe I'll see you around?"

Maura's voice fills my ears.

"Perhaps. Good luck with your training. Safe journey to you and your family."

He gives me a curious look and I can only nod my head. I do my best to smile, but one corner of my mouth barely lifts.

He returns his gaze to Maura and speaks.

"Thanks, same to you."

He turns around. The bright eyes of his child peering over his shoulder burn in my mind.

But it's alright...it doesn't hurt...I don't feel.

Maura and I gather our belongings and head to the gym where my afternoon practice will be held.

I walk beside her without speaking. I look straight ahead and think about nothing. I don't observe my surroundings. I don't listen to the sounds around me.

I am numb. And that's okay...it's so much better than floundering in my personal torment and anguish.

A hand clasps around my wrist and pulls me to a stop.

I stay facing forward until Maura takes hold of my shoulders and forces me to turn toward her.

Our eyes meet.

I feel nothing.

I don't feel sad or angry or bitter...but...I don't feel the warmth of her touch. I don't feel the compassion in her concerned expression.

I can't feel her love for me.

I can't feel my love for her.

I can' feel.

A few weeks ago, the detective in me would be metaphorically shaking my hand and patting my back; congratulating me on a successful emotional shut down.

But it's different now. There's another part of me...a part that desperately wants to feel...a part of me that believes that the good can outweigh the bad. It knows that loving Maura and Maura loving me is worth any amount of excruciation that life throws at me.

It's a part of me that Maura gave life to.

It's a part of me that wants to fight back.

Her voice is stern when she speaks. She's right in front of me...but she sounds distant to my ears. It's like she's talking from across the room.

"I know what happened back there. You saw her...you saw Lacy in that little girl. I thought you were going to pass out. Don't do this, Jane. Don't you dare shut down on me. Talk to me."

Her eyes begin to shine with emotion when I don't respond. She grips my upper arms and gives me a light shake.

"Please, Jane...please. Don't..."

I break out of her grasp without a word and resume my journey. My pace quickens in light of a fragile, but building determination.

I don't want the bad feelings...I can't take them. So, I reject them. I drown them in a pool of nothingness.

I can't feel anything...but for the first time, I realize that it's wrong...I'm drowning the good right along with the bad. And there is good

This is not the way to handle my problems...this is not healthy.

It could kill my relationship with Maura.

It could kill me.

The question is...what am I going to do about it?

A/N: Alright, all you fantastic people. I've had an absolutely wonderful time sending Jane and Maura on these great adventures and getting them into all kinds of shenanigans...I hope you have too! However, they're on this journey for a reason. We have come back to the root issue. Jane has a lot to deal with yet and she's not sure how to do it. You see, Jane is a deep roller...let us hope one of her parents was not. (Kudos to whoever recognizes the reference!) Until we meet again. -SJR