Exploring Sexuality
A/N: This is a sort of bonus chapter, seeing as it's maybe half as short as I usually write. I didn't really plan on writing it, but I couldn't get it out of my head.
Also, in the last chapter it said something like, "…so Sherlock could see his reflection in the mirror if he looked…" It's supposed to say window, but if I type too fast sometimes my fingers will fill in words that are more common, and where do you see your reflection? The mirror. So yeah, sorry.
Ch. 3
John stared up at the ceiling that night with his arms crossed behind his head. He had kissed Sherlock Holmes. He wasn't even completely sure why he had done it; they weren't actually together yet, and John still wasn't sure he even wanted them to be. True, he found Sherlock attractive. Sure, he liked the git; he was a genius, but he was also insufferably stupid sometimes. Clearly it had taken a lot for him to tell John, even if it was in the most Sherlock-y way possible, that he fancied him.
How long had Sherlock felt this way? He had said he was demi- panromantic, which meant he needed the emotional bond first to connect with someone that way, but within a week of knowing each other, John had already (possibly, if he were wrong) saved his life and chased him through London, ignoring the fact that they then moved into a flat together. How much of an emotional connection was needed first? Was it different in John's own mind? Lestrade had told him maybe a month after they had met that he had changed Sherlock. John couldn't tell, the DI said, because it had been almost instantaneous, but everyone else could, and it was for the better. Did that mean something? Did Sherlock change for him, of because of him? What would the difference matter? Was there a difference?
He, John Watson, had kissed Sherlock Holmes. That thought kept running through his head, along with Sherlock's reaction. John felt a little guilty about that, but he couldn't warrant that reaction for such a small kiss to the forehead. Of course, this was Sherlock we were talking about. That had been the first time John had kissed another man. Even if it wasn't a "real" kiss, it was still a kiss. And John had done it with no prompting whatsoever. It had just felt right, like a natural thing to do. Apparently Sherlock hadn't felt the same way.
Had that small kiss ruined their friendship? Their chance at a relationship? What if their possible relationship ruined their friendship? John didn't think he could handle that. He had come to need Sherlock in his life. Was that his demiromanticism working? He still didn't totally understand all of that, but he figured it was true. Any of the girlfriends he had had, especially since meeting Sherlock, hadn't exactly worked out. And he hadn't been terribly upset to see most of them go.
But the sex. "Because I'm trying to get off with Sarah!" John remembered that clearly, remembered how Sherlock couldn't comprehend why John didn't want him there, why he didn't want to help at the moment. Sherlock said he was a grey ace. Did that mean he was sexually attracted to John? Or was that his way of saying 'I really don't want to have sex at all. Not with you.'? Why would he have pointed out the grey part then? Just being honest? Did John even want Sherlock to be sexually attracted to him? Not even in the army had John had sex with another bloke. They had jerked each other off once or twice when they were drunk and needy, but that hadn't really been sex. John had always thought of it as helping a mate out, and he had tried not to think of it that often. What Sherlock had said was true tough. He was curious. Was this newfound curiosity specific to Sherlock? Was Sherlock curious? Did he already know? Normally John would have found the latter more reasonable, but in this situation he truly had no idea what to expect. Had Sherlock found a grey spot in his asexuality before, or was John the first? How did both those possibilities make him feel?
There were far too many questions, and not nearly enough answers, and sometime well after midnight, John finally fell asleep.