Chapter 3

I didn't think life after the anal sex talk could get much worse. Mind you, I thought the same thing after Mom- and basically my entire family- walked in on me wanking off, too. What was worse - Mastur-gate or Anal Adventures with Dad? Hmmm, tough call. Surely, I'd had my fill of awkward moments.

Wrong.

The next embarrassing time around Rosalie and Jasper played a hand in my demise.

Sprawled out on my bed on a Saturday morning, I was lazily strumming on my guitar - because guys who play guitar are always hot - when Rose knocked on my door. At least she waited until I answered before she came in. She sat down beside me, sighing heavily a few times. I rolled my eyes and ignored her. After the fifth such sigh I relented.

"What?"

"I have the biggest favor EVER to ask you."

I rolled my eyes. "The answer's no."

"Come on, Edward. I really need a favor." She drew out 'really' to make her point.

"What?"

"I, uh, kind of need you to go to the store for me."

"Go yourself, you lazy sack."

"I can't."

"Ask Mom, Dad, or Jasper. I'm busy."

"Mom and Jake are at his soccer practice. Dad's not off night shift, and Jasper's out."

She actually pouted at me, bottom lip sticking way out. Like I'd fall for that.

"Please, Edward. I have really bad cramps right now and was hoping you could go to the store to buy me some tampons—"

I started singing 'la-la-la-la' to drown her out. No, just no. I don't want to know she's having her...I can't even say that word. And I certainly don't want to buy her those things, just no!

Rosalie batted her eyelashes as me, forgetting I was her brother and not Emmett McCarty.

"Edward, please. It's like an emergency."

I held up my hand. "No fucking way. Go buy your own fucking … provisions."

Her eyelashes stopped fluttering and her blue eyes turned icy as she narrowed them at me.

"If you don't go for me, I'm going to call Bella and tell her you like her."

"Whatev."

"And then I'll tell her we all walked in on you jerking off."

I guess she figured out why I had her lotion.

"You wouldn't."

"Wanna bet?"

The evil quirk of eyebrow assured me she wasn't bluffing. To make her point she crossed her arms over her chest and simply stared at me, stupid smirk on her face. I was fucked.

"Fine. What flavor do you need?"

Rosalie snorted. "It's not ice cream, Edward."

"You know what I mean."

"Whatever's on sale; I don't care. Here's twenty bucks, that'll more than cover it."

"Don't expect any change back."

"Good. I was hoping you'd buy your own hand-job lotion."

"Ha, ha. Very funny. I hope there's some kid outside of the convenience store. I'll bribe him to buy them for me."

I personally thought it was a great idea but Rosalie mocked me. Again.

"Bootlegging tampons?" She snorted.

"Yeah, why not?"

"I'm pretty sure bootlegging is illegal."

"Bootlegging illicit tampons. Oooohhh! I'm such a rebel."

"Can you imagine if you got arrested for that? Oh my God, that would be the best thing ever!"

I frowned, because with my luck that's exactly what would happen. My mug shot plastered all over the six o'clock news. I'd be known around town as the 'Teen Tampon Trafficker'. Awesome.

Throwing on a baseball cap to keep my identity as much a secret as possible, I headed out with Rosalie's cash. I purposely avoided the 7-11 store closest to our house in case anyone I knew was around, and walked an extra 15 minutes to the Fred Meyer instead. See what a nice brother I am? I grabbed a basket and threw in other random stuff, trying to make it look like I was a normal guy out doing some shopping. A pack of gum, Oreos, and tampons. You know, regular Joe stuff.

With several glances over my shoulder, I found myself in the feminine hygiene aisle. It was daunting, at best. Pink boxes, blue boxes, row upon row of pads, panty liners (WTF?) and tampons. Fuck. I had no idea there were so many choices in 'protection'. And what the fuck does the woman need protection from? If anything, it's us guys that need the protection from them and their PMS!

Besides all the different brands of the stuff, there were different sizes. Did vaginas vary in size that much? I had no friggin' clue! And scented? Really? Now that was gross. Did Rosalie need slender, regular, or plus? And what the hell was super? Were they like double stuff Oreos? Eeeew! I'd never eat Oreos again! I put the bag of cookies on the shelf beside all the tampons.

I should have gotten clarification from Rosalie before I left the house. I wasn't about to spend more time in the aisle than necessary so I grabbed one box of everything. Playtex – regular and sport, Tampax – super and slender, scented and non, Carefree, OB, and Enjoy. Really – Carefree and Enjoy? Find me a girl who is carefree and enjoying her period. How ridiculous.

Right there, I made it my goal to come up with a new brand of feminine hygiene product and slogan that wasn't so absurd as 'Carefree.' I'd call them 'Bloody Hell' and wrap them up in a black box with the slogan 'For your period of mourning.' And the commercial certainly wouldn't feature some girl decked out in full makeup, wearing an all white ensemble playing tennis or frolicking at the beach. She'd look like hell in dirty sweatpants and a tee, her hair in a ponytail, lazing around on the couch, eating chips and chocolate. What? That's pretty much what Rosalie does!

Yep, 'Bloody Hell' was going to make me rich. Genius, that's what I was. And currently smiling like an idiot in the feminine hygiene aisle of my local Fred Meyer.

As I was about to leave, I spotted one last product that caught my eye – something called a 'Diva Cup'. Rosalie certainly was a diva – could it be any more perfect? Discreetly, I read the back of the package.

Re-usable. Cost effective, excellent.

12-hour leak-free protection. Girls leaked? Fucking gross!

Ideal for women of all shapes and sizes. Perfect! There goes the mystery of small, medium, or large.

And last but not least - durable. Who doesn't want durable?

SOLD!

I put back all the other boxes and sauntered up to the check-out very pleased with my find.

Except when I got home, Rosalie was less than impressed with my selection. I do believe she called me a motherfucking idiot. Me calling her ungrateful, followed by bitch, didn't bode well. After all that, I was forced to trek back to the store. I had no choice - she blackmailed me with unfortunate photos of me with a mud mask and cucumbers on my eyes being 'leaked' to Facebook.

At least that time I was given a specific brand to purchase – Tampax Slender.

Slender, my ass. Rosalie's not exactly skinny, just sayin'.

Too lazy to walk back to Fred Meyer, I went to the 7-11 around the corner from our house. The only Tampax brand they had was super absorbency. I grabbed them and made my way to the till. Too fucking bad if they weren't the right ones. Rose was just going to have to shove them up her—

"Edward?"

Oh God, please don't let that be—

"Bella! Hi. What brings you to the feminine hygiene aisle?"

Idiot!

"I mean how neat that you and Rosalie are cycle buddies."

Seriously, how the fuck does my brain come up with that shit? 'Cycle Buddies'? Really? Even if I knew Jasper and I were jerking off at the same time, I'd never call him my 'Beat-off Brother'.

"Actually, I'm here getting a slurpee." There was a smirk playing on her lips when she answered me.

I dropped the box of cooter corks like a hot potato.

"Yeah, me too. I was just here browsing."

Bella called my bluff.

"You were browsing super absorbency tampons on a Saturday morning?"

I shrugged, trying to feign innocence. "I've always been curious about the different brands and stuff. They have scented tampons over at Fred Meyer. I don't know if it's mint or peach or something different. I'll have to do more research. Do you know they make something called a 'Diva Cup'? It's durable and reusable. You should look into it. You could save yourself some money in the long run."

I begged myself to shut up. Was it too much to ask that just once I could come across as cool?

Bella stood there, sipping on her slurpee, and let me ramble.

"You're certainly a wealth of tampon information."

I grinned. "Just call me Edward 'The Tampon' Cullen."

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Bella laughed. "Okay, then. I should get going. Tell Rosalie I'll call her later."

"Yeah, okay sure. Don't forget to research the Diva cup before your next—"

Shut up!

Shut up!

Shut the fuck up!

"—never mind. Bye, Bella."

"Bye, Edward 'The Tampon' Cullen." Her using air quotes made me want to die.

As I watched her walk away I was pretty sure I heard Bella snickering. Of course she was. I was a total moron.

I assure you, in my head our conversation went a lot differently. In my perfect world I would have confessed to buying tampons for my cramp-stricken sister. Because of my empathy, Bella would fall madly in love with me – an unconventional start to our relationship - which would lead to marriage, a white picket fence, and two-point-five kids.

Instead, the girl I was crushing on thought I was a total freak who not only perused the selection of tampons at the local corner store on weekends but also did extensive research on them, and pimped out the Diva Cup as the best bang for your buck. Awesome.

The worst part was I still had to buy Rosalie her stupid tampons or risk her telling Bella even more embarrassing things about me.

Once home, I threw the box at Rosalie who was sitting at the kitchen table with Jasper.

"Here are your stupid tampons."

"Fucker, Edward." Jasper cursed me and I quirked him an eyebrow while Rosalie grinned.

"I actually don't have my period."

"Wh-what?" I looked back and forth between them trying to figure out what was going on.

Jasper swore under his breath as he handed Rosalie a fifty dollar bill. Probably the same fifty I paid him to shut up about Mastur-Gate.

"I didn't think you'd be that easy to convince. I was wrong. Thanks a lot." Rosalie gratefully took the money from him and stuffed it into her bra.

"Nice doing business with you, Jazz."

"Wait a sec, you just made money off me?"

"Well, not really. I had to pay you the twenty. Duh."

"Which I spent on your tampons and Diva Cup!"

"A diva what?"

"Trust me Jasper, you don't want to know. Now tell me what the fuck just happened?"

"He and I had a bet." Rosalie gestured between her and Jasper. "I said I could convince any man to do anything for me. Jasper suggested the tampons; I won. By the way, Jazz, I think I should get extra for the purchase of the Diva Cup."

I stomped off to my room as the two of them argued over the logistics of their bet. Fucking assholes. In the sanctity of my room I took my journal out from its hiding spot to write out my frustrations.

This afternoon I saw Bella at the store

I should have run right out the door

I went and messed everything up

By telling her to buy the Diva Cup

If only I had flirted

Instead she thinks I'm perverted

And thinks my nickname is Tampon

God, I'm such a moron.

One day I'll get my shit together

And tell her I want her for forever.

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