Chapter 10

Monday morning and I was up before dawn in an attempt to transform myself into the new and improved Edward. It was hard work to make myself look like I didn't give a shit. My hair alone took a good 45 minutes of sculpting into a perfectly messed-up do, and I still wasn't happy with it. Not that it mattered because I covered it up with a black beanie.

I had on the tightest skinny jeans possible that squished my balls into an unnatural, uncomfortable position. Rose told me it was the price I had to pay, and to suck it up. I called her a bitch. Secretly, I liked the way my ass looked in them, which, by the way, was fucking fantastic. I loved the Snoopy t-shirt I was wearing, but it was covered up by a brown checkered button-up. Draped around my neck was an orange scarf. I personally thought the scarf was overkill but Rosalie told me it was mandatory. To complete the outfit, I had on round-rimmed fake glasses.

I felt more like an idiot than a hipster. Whatevs.

By the way, 'whatevs' is a hipster term. I had other required words and phrases inked onto my palm, and Rosalie advised me to use them whenever I could. I had no idea who made up the words but, personally, I thought they were retarded - which, by the way, is not on the approved list. Words like fin (boring), kale (money), and midtown (cool) were. WTF. Considering most days English felt like a second language to me, speaking foreign lingo was going to take some getting used to for sure.

More important than using the right words, what not to say had been drilled into my head by Rosalie. Specifically, anything pertaining to my mom's boobs was off limits. And speaking of boobs, if Bella mentioned the poem from last night, I was to tell her I was high when I wrote it.

Rose instructed me to act confident; kiss Bella like I meant it. Caress her arms, play with her hair, or hold her hand. I was to do the little things that showed I cared for and desired her. That would be the easy part.

I gave myself a pep talk all the way to school. I was ready. I was fly. I was fucking uncomfortable in those freaking tight ass jeans, but, damn it - I was going to wow Bella!

Once at school, I caught up to her as she was putting her backpack inside her locker. I went up behind her, wrapped my arms around her and nuzzled her neck with my chin. Then I reached up and double fisted her boobs. That totally reeked of confidence and desire.

Bella whirled around, a look of surprise on her face.

"What's up, Bells?" I leaned against the bank of lockers all nonchalant-like.

"Hi." Bella gave me the once over. "Did you lose a bet or something?"

"No, why?"

"Just wondering. New outfit?"

I played it totally cool.

"Nah, I've always had these. I thought I'd wear something different for a change."

"Oh, okay." Bella lowered her voice and looked around. "I, uh, had a lot of fun on Saturday."

"Yeah, me too, fo shizzle."

Rose would've been proud of me for working 'fo shizzle' in so seamlessly.

"You didn't hurt yourself when you fell?"

I held out my left arm. "Sprained my wrist, but luckily it's my left, so..." I shrugged.

"Why luckily?"

"I'm right handed."

Bella laughed. "Oh yeah, duh. That never occurred to me. It would be hard to take notes in class if you'd hurt your right."

"More importantly, jerking off would be a real challenge."

Fuck! Why didn't I have a filter? I blushed; if possible Bella blushed more.

"Uh, not that I do that much. I mean sometimes. Never into a sock or anything like that cause that would be..." SHUT UP! "Never mind. I'm fine."

"That's good. I'm glad you weren't seriously hurt."

The awkward silence crept in between us again.

"I, uh, liked the poem you wrote me."

I gave an exaggerated snort. "Pffff. You know I was totally fucking with you, right?"

"You were?"

"Yeah, fo shizzle. I was smoking a chubby when I wrote it."

I looked down at my hand.

"Shit, not a chubby! I mean a fatty. I was smoking a fatty." I gestured with my fingers to my lips.

"I see. So, uh, how was the rest of your weekend?"

I was hoping she'd ask that - I'd been practicing my answer.

"Totally deck. Saturday night I used my fake ID and got into a club in downtown Seattle. Had some bronsons; busted a moby. I was so Jerry that night, fuck, man. I even lost my piece."

Bella's eyebrows rose – she must have been impressed so I continued.

"Don't worry, I gave all the tassels the Frigidaire and—"

Bella held her hand up. "I'm sorry…what?"

"I gave the tassels the Frigidaire. It was amazeballs."

Speaking of balls, my boys were not happy with the lack of real estate in my jeans. Balls need room to move and swing freely. Mine were severely constricted and sweaty. As much as a sweat-soaked scrotum was not a nice visual, it was worse to actually experience. Trust me. I tried to adjust myself inconspicuously. Unfortunately, my jeans were so tight I couldn't get a good grip. I bent my knees like a ballet dancer trying to give my boys some room to jiggle.

"Are you okay, Edward?"

As she asked Bella stared at my groin. Was it possible for a dude to have a camel toe? Would it even be called a camel toe? Maybe it'd be a mammal toe. Or a ninja toe. Yeah, ninja toe! Sweet. Ooohh! Maybe it'd be a camel hump. Yeah, that's it for sure. Camel hump. I like the word hump. Hump. Hump. Hump.

"Edward?"

"Huh? Oh, sorry. I'm fine. Heh, heh. The word on the clothesline fo shizzle was Cronkite fin shitter."

"What?"

Thankfully, the bell rang so I didn't have to explain what I'd said, which was nothing more than a bunch of random hipster words strung together that made absolutely no sense.

"I should get to class, Edward. See you at lunch?"

Perfect! That would give me enough time to pull myself together - more specifically, to pull my balls in a better position.

"Yeah, I've got kale so I'll score us some grub."

"Right." With a confused look, Bella walked away. I cursed myself for forgetting Rose's advice to be cool.

Deciding to skip the next class, I went to the bathroom to give myself another pep talk. But first, I needed to get out of those jeans. I went into a stall, pulled my pants down, and stood there, naked from the waist down, for a good ten minutes. Believe me, my boys were happy to be free.

Act confident.

Use hipster words – correctly.

Play it cool.

Fail. Fail. Fail. I banged my head against the bathroom stall door. I was determined to do better at lunch. It couldn't go worse.

"You can do this, Cullen. And do it right!"

"Mr. Cullen."

Oh shit! I thought I was alone. I wasn't- and that was Principal Volturi's voice.

"Stop doing the dishes and get out here."

"Wh-what?"

He thought I was washing dishes in the bathroom stall? Weirdo.

"I know what you're doing in there. I can see your pants around your ankles."

Oh. My. God. He thought I was...

"So, stop slammin' the ham and open this door."

"I...uh... need a minute, sir." I hurried to pull my pants up but they were super tight and it was hard to do.

"Now, Cullen."

Principal Volturi mistook my grunting and groaning for … something else.

"Boy, can you not wait until you get home?"

Finally, I got my boys squashed back into my jeans. "There, I did it." I opened the door, red-faced. "I was, uh, just letting my boys breathe." I gestured to my junk.

He didn't look impressed.

"I guess I'll head off to class then." I walked past him toward the door.

"Perhaps you want to wash your hands first?"

I figured I'd just play along and did as he suggested. "Uh, Principal Volturi? Can I have a late pass, sir?"

"Sure, Mr. Cullen. What would you like it to say? Please excuse Edward for being late because he was fixing a clogged drain?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, that could—"

"Go, Cullen. Just go."

And I thought the day couldn't get worse. Little did I know it would get even worse than that.

Meeting up with Bella outside the cafeteria I greeted her with a big kiss – tongue and all – and went for another boob grab as well. Now that was confidence.

"Edward!" Bella smacked my hand away and scolded me in a hushed whisper. "Stop that!"

I gave her my best sexy grin and reached for her boob again.

"What? You liked it on Saturday." I must have said it a bit too loud because a couple of girls walking by us giggled. Bella did not look impressed, her arms crossed over her chest.

"Look, I don't know what's gotten into you but this," she gestured at the new me. "This new Edward, he sucks. Fo shizzle."

With that she stomped away.

What the fuck? I was left dumbfounded.

I went in search of Rosalie and found her by her locker, sitting all cozy-like with Emmett. Since it was hard for me to sit down in the tight pants, I stood while I asked what I was doing wrong.

"You moron. There's a difference between being confident and being a pervert."

I scratched my head. "So, I shouldn't have grabbed her boob?"

"No, dipshit. You have to be subtle."

"You never mentioned subtle." I argued.

"It was implied!" Rosalie facepalmed.

"You seriously just walked up and grabbed her boob?" Emmett wondered with a chuckle.

"Yep, both of them."

"Dude, even I know better than that! That's so not midtown."

Rose snorted. "Bro, you have some major ass kissing to do. FYI, not literally; thought I should clarify that. Go find her or she'll be more pissed at you."

Fucking great. I jogged around the school grounds looking for Bella. Jogging in tight jeans is hard to do.

By the time I found her sitting in the bleachers by the football field, I was one hot and sweaty mess. Though it was uncomfortable, I quietly sat down beside her, debating if I should undo my button or not. I didn't, I'm not that much of a loser.

"Hi."

"Hey." She didn't look at me as she replied.

"I'm, uh, sorry 'bout earlier. The boob grabs – not midtown, fo shizzle."

"Edward, please stop. I don't speak 'what the fuck.'"

Well, that shut me up.

"What's with you today? The clothes, the crazy talk, the inappropriate boob groping? That's not the Edward I know."

"I thought you'd like hipster Edward better." I shrugged.

"Is that what you were trying to be?" Bella laughed when I nodded. "I think I like regular old Edward better, you know the guy who wrote me a sweet poem? Or were you fucking with me? Or maybe you wrote that while you were smoking a chubby." She teased me by nudging her shoulder against mine.

"Your boobs give me a chubby. Fuck, I mean—"

"See? There's the Edward I like. Hi. I missed you."

"But you laughed at me." I told her quietly.

"When?" Bella looked at me blankly, obviously confused.

"When I read my poem to you. You laughed."

"It was a funny poem. I liked it. I like you."

"You do?"

Bella nodded. "Fo shizzle. Why would you think you needed to change for me? Who suggested that?"

"After you laughed at my poem I decided I didn't want you to be embarrassed hanging out with me, so I went to Rosalie for advice."

"Rose told you to act and dress like this?"

"She helped me pick my clothes and told me what words to say and stuff, yeah. Not that I used them correctly. She most certainly didn't authorize the boob grabs."

"Truthfully, I don't mind the outfit so much – but I like you in boot-cut jeans and a white t-shirt just as much. What I didn't like was the 'fo shizzle midtown frigidaire' b.s. I know Rose was just tying to help but, obviously, we have different taste in guys."

I gave Bella a meek smile.

"I just wanted you to like me."

"Edward, I do like you. Don't doubt that. You're not playing the whole 'I'm so sexy you can't resist me' card. You're not over-the-top flirtatious, or an asshole. I like you the way you are."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. The point is, you're unlike any other guy I've ever been interested in before. I like that you don't pretend to be all that and a bag of chips. You're you. Awkward and sweet and adorable."

"That should be my new motto. I don't need to flirt, I'll seduce you with my awkwardness."

Bella reached over and laced her fingers with mine. "I'll say it again. I love the way you speak without a filter; tell me how you really feel. You're genuine and your honesty is refreshing."

"Can I be honest with you right now then?" I had a confession to make.

"Yes, please."

"I fucking hate skinny jeans. My balls are so hot and sweaty they're having their own pool party."

Bella snorted. "Oh my God. There may be such a thing as too much information."

I shrugged. "I was giving them some air in the bathroom and Principal Volturi thought I was washing the dishes. I mean, who does that, A) at school and B) in a bathroom stall? Weirdo."

Bella smiled. "Says the guy who uses a ... never mind. Know what I hate more than the skinny jeans and the hipster words you were saying?"

"What's that?"

"These." Bella stood up in front of me and took off my glasses, then pulled the beanie off my head and threw it to the ground.

Then she sat down on my lap. Not just sat – she fucking straddled me. Holy. Fucking. Shit. She ran her fingers through my hair and I swear to God, even that gave me wood. Although, the chubby was probably due to her straddling me. Damn.

"You have great hair, Edward."

I gave her my best smirk. At least I knew I could do that well.

"Oh yeah? You like my hair?"

Bella nodded as she chewed her lip.

"I actually deep condition it. I use this mint hair conditioner by Herbal Essence. I bought it because they have the best commercials. You know the ones where the girls are pretending to have an orgasm in the shower? It's a good thing they don't use guys because they wouldn't have to pretend, ya know? Anyways, the conditioner—"

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"We just had our first fight. We're supposed to kiss and make up."

"Right. I'll tell you about the conditioner another time."

"Great idea."

Bella and I spent the rest of the afternoon making out on the bleachers. And yes, I undid my button. I made a mental note to have another fight soon, because having Bella straddle me and suck my face off was totally worth it. And it sure as hell beat going back to class.

Today I tried to be a hipster, fo shizzle

In attempt to make Bella's heart sizzle

I wore tight jeans that made my balls sweat

Something I would later regret.

I think I'll listen to her, Bella Swan

And no more hipster-ward from now on.

I skipped class and was hiding in the boys bathroom

Where Principal Volturi thought I was stroking the broom.

Anyway, Bella and I had a fight but now we're good

Her hot kisses left me sporting major wood.

During the make out session earlier today

I even got in some boobie squeeze play.

Her breasts are still pretty fucking great

And left me in quite a state.

Made all the worse by the tight ass jean.

They certainly weren't made for an erect peen.

Don't worry when I got home I rubbed one out

Pppffff, like you had any doubt.

Here it is, my usual thank you blurb
Maple, Lolo, Cappy; Readers - I think you're superb.

Cracked Fic - thank you for your rec to the Lemonade Stand
And I made top five - isn't that just grand?

There's more Awk-Ward still to come
I hope you're all still having fun.

I plan to update on Thursday this week too
Goodbye for now; I bid each of you adieu.